SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When people are so terrible to us and they just continue to hurt us and act completely unintristed in our needs and wants why do we keep trying were we not hugged enough as a child or what why don't i have enough self worth or self-respect to just end this and see what life will be without the one i love or maybe i am just afraid of loosing my kid or that she will take up with a shit bag and he would be influencingy my son i wish I could turn back the clock and run like hell the moment I met her now she says she just wants to kill herself she sucks and i can't let go

[This message edited by Confusednow at 11:59 PM, September 3rd (Saturday)]

Because we loved them. We gave them our hearts, they treated it like trash but we still gave them it. We love because we care for them, not because of ourselves.

The practical side of my brain says run like a motherfucker. The in love part of my brain says never give up no matter what i really have no idea which side will win it's exhausting

sniper is correct. I feel the same way about mine even to this day. and its going to keep on getting worse.

I remember our meaningful conversations when we first met and through email too. That's what really got us together as there was ALOT of substance even before we met. And now... it hurts and yet I still want her.

its difficult being through and imagining they don't want you anymore (even though they cheated)

You pretty clearly said what I feel too. You are not alone.

Not one of us that arrive at R can understand our feelings either. My FWH was horrible to me as was the AP . I hung in there in pure agony!! WHY???

Because my friend, we the betrayed KNOW what real love is and our WS simply des NOT!!

They take the thrill of the stupid chase and sex as love!!! They are shallow and selfish, YOU ARE NOT!!

Right now you are both heartbroken and in AGONY, try to be still in your mind(when you can) keep yourself fit and DO NOT ACT IN HASTE, take your time and ignore her threat she is like a fish caught on a hook ,she is reeling about trying to get out of trouble, It is normal BUT DO NOT ALLOW HER to apportion ANY of the blame for this mess. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG IT WAS HER CHOICE!!!

WHY DO WE STILL CARE/LOVE THEM????

BECAUSE IN THE END YOU ARE A BETTER PERSON THAN HER!!!

Good luck my friend

Thank you all it really is the hardest thing I have ever been through all the info and insight is really nice and knowing i am not alone so many people are dealing with the same problems makes it a little better the healing library is amazing on SI and you people are great now that im in texas you guys are to only people i talk to besides my WW and kids

I'm right there with you. The only reasonable thing to do would be to leave, but why can't we? I don't know the answer. I often wonder if my WW could actually be that cold and heartless. I try to rationalize how a person could do what they did to another person and not feel anything. There has to be a reason it seems like. Maybe they are just truly bad people and we don't want to admit it...

I'm right there with you. The only reasonable thing to do would be to leave, but why can't we? I don't know the answer. I often wonder if my WW could actually be that cold and heartless. I try to rationalize how a person could do what they did to another person and not feel anything. There has to be a reason it seems like. Maybe they are just truly bad people and we don't want to admit it...

oh my, I am SO in that thought process, it's rather hopeless isn't it?

some weeks I have great hope that all is going to be ok, other weeks I can't shake the feeling that I will never recover from all the hurt, the being told that he wanted a younger body next to his but that aside from that I am a 10 out of 10 ( I am 64, mistress was 39 as were his 2 others)

I don't want my life to change but it has changed immensely, I despise myself for being able to accept all the crap that went down,

I feel that I am such a different person than before DDay1 and 2, yet no one seems to have noticed, I must be a good actress.

In my case no one knows about the infidelity except therapist and wayward husband.

I am almost one year since DDay 1, and only 6 weeks since DDay2.

I don't think love was the reason I stayed at first. While it might have been some co-dependent form of love, that love definitely was not healthy, nor was it based on a healthy sense of self-respect. A lifetime of abuse chipped away at my sense of self-worth. It also created the false belief that I had to "earn" being loved and treated right by being perfect. Of course, my abusers wanted me to believe this. Since no one is perfect (including me), they always had a built in reason to blame me for the abuse they put me through. It made me an easy target for being mistreated. My WH was my biggest abuser with all of his cheating, gas lighting, lying, manipulating, controlling, etc. So it only stands to reason that he loved having me believe that I had to earn his love.

So I stayed out of a really twisted and lifelong desire to be loved along with a dysfunctional desire to want to earn that love. Nothing says you are unloved more than being cheated on. So instead of reacting to that in a normal and healthy way so that I refused to tolerate anything that violated my sense of self worth and self respect, I reacted like any well trained abuse victim would act. I simply tried harder to earn being loved.

I did have all of those thoughts of not wanting my daughter around the long line of tramps that my WH would no doubt drag around her every other weekend. Her being autistic and limited on her ability to stand up for herself if someone were to mistreat her amplified this with me. It was only when I reached my breaking point that I knew that if anyone mistreated my daughter, I would handle it swiftly and harshly in true Momma Bear fashion. That putting up with my WH's nonsense 24/7 was not worth it because I would take measures to protect her while also protecting my mental and emotional well being. By protecting myself, I would be able to be a much more effective and capable parent simply by booting him out of my life.

Now that we are in a very solid R, I stay because my WH is doing right by me. He is being the husband he should have always been and he is treating me how he should have always treated me. If being with him meant sacrificing my mental and emotional well-being, I simply would not be with him anymore. My actions now are based on a healthy sense of self-respect and self worth so that I am no longer willing to settle for less than I expect out of life and out of him.

I am sorry that you are feeling stuck with her. Perhaps it would help to work on your healing so that you can get to the point where you are able to make the best choices for yourself based on a healthy sense of self-respect.

To answer your question you want to maintain what you thought you had. You’re in shock. You do your best to not think about the facts and hope that you will wake up someday from the nightmare. Also I think that you don’t want to admit how wrong you could be about someone.

now she says she just wants to kill herself she sucks and i can't let go

Confusednow

I read your user profile. She does suck and deserves to be in jail for filing a false police report. This is a way to manipulate you. Now you’re a huge victim. By saying or implying that she wants to harm herself she makes herself a bigger victim than you.

Also it prevents you from discussing what she did or criticizing her because it might push her over the edge.

If she ever says that she might harm herself call 911 immediately. Either she’s bluffing to control you (calling 911 will teach her not to bluff about something so serious) or she means it and calling 911 is the right thing to do. Every time she mentions it pull out your phone.

[This message edited by Graywolf at 8:13 AM, September 4th (Sunday)]

Why do 'we' still want them? I think each individual needs to answer that for him/herself.

I saw my W's behavior as a major aberration from who she really was/is.

I committed to her when we agreed to M, I had always enjoyed living with her, I owed her a lot (as she did me) for support over the years, and I was going to think hard about dumping her when she needed me most. And she still turned me on.

I stayed because I thought the outcome would provide enough pleasure to outweigh the difficulty of R.

I stayed because I wanted to. I stayed because I chose to.

Honestly, with kids and a WW this unstable, you are in a bad spot. Unless you have some serious legal leverage regarding her fitness as a mother you are likely to get joint custody at best in the event of D - which means your kids are going to be raised part time by her and her next victim. Stay and you better have some form of recording device running constantly to protect yourself from future DV claims.

Wish I had something better to offer you.

Ah the million dollar question. Well one of them anyway. I'm having that same dilemma. But I have loved that stupid (because of the A, he's actually very intelligent) man for so long, I honestly don't know how to stop. I don't like him very much right now, but I'm just not ready to give up either. Time will tell as to whether that changes, but for now, even though his actions disgust me, I still love him and hope one day I can see him without seeing the OW too.

Your heart is still trying to see who they were or thought they were. It hasn't sinc'd up to your brain yet.

Unfortunately most have already left the marriage. You just haven't understood that yet.