SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out 4 months ago that my W was having a PA with a married coworker. It has altered my perceptions on so many things... I was always the guy that advocated no tolerance in those situations. Yet here I am.

That's the climax of this story though, and I feel like that is the wrong way to begin. It gives the worst time in our marriage all of the attention and doesn't show the path that lead us there.

This might be a bit long, but I need to get this all out.

My W and I have been together for 10 years, and have been married for 6. We met in college and got married a couple of years after. We had a great chemistry for how we wanted to approach life, how we solved problems, and how we chose to have fun. Personally, I had never met anyone who was so selfless and caring. She went out of her way for family and friends and tended to be extremely empathetic. I fell completely in love with her compassion, her innocence, and the total lack of selfishness.

We had a lot of chemistry, sexually, and had a good amount of fun. However, one thing we decided to wait on was PiV sex until after we were married. This was predominantly a request on her end, and I agreed to it out of respect for her ideals. The night of our wedding we discovered that there was a bit of a size issue. TMI POTENTIAL -- I'm 7" in length and 5.5" in girth. Not monstrous by any means but a bit above average. For her, this was painful. As time progressed we tried more often but it would bring her to tears. So we started going back to other forms of sex and focused less on PiV.

Things were still good. We still had a wonderful relationship. Seeds of discourse had been planted though. Around this same time, life turned up the pressure. Over the next 3 years I had 2 deaths in my family, my W’s friend died, I built a business from the ground up, she made multiple career moves and took on more and more responsibility, and my parents went through a massive bankruptcy that I spent a huge amount of time researching and helping them dig out of.

Simply put, we were there for each other and made a great team. She supported me through my trials and tribulations and I supported her. However, the busier we got the less energy we had to focus on our sex life, and it slowly started to become less of a priority.

At this point we both had great jobs making 6 figures each. We had amassed close to $500k in net worth and had no debt. My job was now allowing me to work about 35 hours a week and I could maintain good income. I was ready to start refocusing on us. I pushed for more date nights, and refocusing on us as a couple. I also wanted to get to the bottom of the pain my W would sometimes feel, and wanted to speak with doctors or a sex therapist. My W started to feel like it was something wrong with her. I tried to reassure her that there were so many options and things we could try, but she felt broken. She resisted therapy, and doctor’s appointments, in favor of trying to do things more often. That didn’t help, and the pain persisted.

Then we agreed to let her brother stay with us for a few months while he saved up money for a while. This was very stressful for us as a couple. We had routine fights about him and things that happened while he was here. I, personally, felt that both the relationship and myself were not a priority. Despite that, he lived with us for close to 8 months. Looking back, this is where some real distance started to form between us.

After he moved out I was starting to feel a since of urgency relating to our relationship. I desperately wanted to refocus on us as a couple. I was starting to feel the cracks form in the relationship and it scared me.

Of course, timing is everything. She was offered a new role as a manager on a product that she was extremely excited about. We didn’t need the money, but I have always encouraged her to pursue her passions. She is an introvert and knew this would be hard, so we talked about the new role quite a bit before she decided to accept it. I underestimated the toll this would take on her. It became one of the hardest things she had ever tackled in her life, and it constantly drained her energy reserves.

In the background I still pushed to start focusing on us again. I felt some urgency after the last few years had been a bit rough and was starting to panic a little bit. She was so worn out that she seemed to almost get defensive about adding something else to her plate. This job demanded everything from her. I still loved my wife and tried to be supportive, but whenever she came home with work related issues I tended to try and “fix” things instead of listening and being there for her.

I started to get frustrated with waiting to work on our relationship. I got tired of being the only one that was seeing issues. We had multiple fights over it and they began to escalate. Much to my shame I sat down with her and told her that I could see a path where our marriage didn't make it. That we had many options to take "exits" along the way, but that we needed to take one to focus on us. I was hoping she would "realize" that this was serious and we needed to start now rather than later. Instead it kicked up the guilt and resentment. We had more fights and it led to one where she told me I wasn't there for her, and that she started to see me as someone who was making her feel guilty. This left me reeling. I had always supported my wife. I couldn’t understand what more I could do to be there for her.

At this point I did the only thing I could think of. I devoted all my spare time to being there for her completely. Chores, errands, cooking dinner, and trying to really understand her struggles at work. I also really focused on making sure I didn't provide sources of guilt, and completely gave up on sexy times aside from a few occasions where I would initiate. I did this for 2 to 3 months.

Things started to improve on one hand but not on the other. I felt that I was doing the right thing now, but she was still becoming more distant. Moments would happen where we felt like us again, then she would abruptly pull back.

That is when I noticed that my W would never leave her phone out of her sight, and she was on it all the time. It started to stand out in my mind. Much to my shame... I checked her phone when she went to the restroom. It was the first time she had left it alone in weeks. I found a conversation between her and a COW talking about how I was trying to get her to go on a date that night, but she didn’t want to go. Scrolling further up it became apparent there was something going on. They talked about how they weren’t looking for this, it just happened. The conversation was complete with mentions of them missing each other, pet names, etc. I didn’t save a copy at the time… I was too distraught and sick to think straight. I walked down stairs and stood in my kitchen, trying to figure out what I should do.

I decided I needed to confront her. When she came out of the restroom I asked her, point blank, how long the A had been going on. She said she didn’t know what I was talking about. I looked her in the eye, and told her I knew. She looked back at her phone and realized what had happened. She confirmed there was an A with a COW, and that she loved the AP. I asked her if she felt safe talking to me in the house alone, or if she wanted to go somewhere public. She said that she felt safe and then she openly disclosed that she had been having an A for the past 6 months. It started out as an EA with a team member at work that was supportive, and it progressed into a PA the past 3 to 4 months. The PA involved making out, digital stimulation, and oral sex. In addition they started PiV sex twice, but each time supposedly did not go to completion. They stopped after less than 10 seconds. This doesn't make any sense to me. She said that she felt she needed to know if it hurt with him as he had significantly smaller girth. I asked her if she wanted to be with him, or me, and she said that she didn't know what she wanted. FYI, The AP was also married.

I love my wife. I've loved her for a very long time, and this did not change that. I could forgive her this betrayal... But I have deep concerns about rebuilding trust.

I left for the night and came back in the morning. When I did I told her that it was over. That I didn't want to subject her to a long painful path of guilt and suspicion, and I didn't necessarily want to go down that road either and become the guy that is jealous and suspicious of everything. She broke down crying and asked if she had any say in it. She asked if it was her choice to fight for us, no matter how hard the road. She said that she loved me and wanted to be with me. After we talked I told her that I still loved her, and that there was nothing she could ever do to make me stop loving her… but that I didn’t know if the trust could be rebuilt. I told her there were no guarantees and that it wouldn’t be easy. I also told her that I would be willing to try if she agreed to therapy, complete honesty, and she had to choose to end it with him completely and that I wanted to be her first choice. I made it a point to repeatedly state that I was not giving her a guarantee and that I might leave at any time. I think this scared her a bit, and she asked me if I she could have until morning. She wanted to think through everything and tell me honestly that she was choosing me and that she was willing to give it her all. I agreed. The next morning she confirmed that she wanted to be with me and wanted to try and make it work.

As part of telling me that she was committed and wanted to try and heal, she openly admitted that she had a brief conversation with the AP the night I found out and the evening I asked for her decision. The AP was more concerned about himself, and his marriage, and what the ramifications of all this would be. He claimed that he had told his wife and that she had left to go to her parents out of state. My W told him about my ultimatum, but didn’t get much of a response from him. He told her that he was going to chase after his wife, but pending how that went he still wanted to talk with my W. Because of this exchange, I still feel like I might have been a 2nd choice. My wife swears up and down that she had never picked him over me, nor would she have picked him over me if he had given her the option to. I'll never know.

In the next month it turned out that the AP was a total dick. After the incident he vanished for 4 days, and then cold shouldered my wife when he did come back to work. Not in a NC way, but more in a couldn't care less way. All the times he told her he loved her, etc, etc turned out to be crap. He never once checked in to see if she was ok, if she was in danger, if she had been kicked out of the house, nothing. This broke her. She felt used.

He claimed he was looking for another job. So we discussed it and she agreed to NC with the OM as much as was possible while working on a team with him. If there was contact, she would disclose immediately.

Over the next 3 months, there were a couple of breaks in NC. Mainly her trying to get some closure. She was full of hate by the end of the first month. She disclosed them and slowly made progress. We started going to IC and MC. Occasionally he would seek her out and say something completely slimy. The more we saw of his actions, the more we doubted that his wife knew anything. Her social media was covered with flowery comments about her H for his birthday, etc.

In the meantime I had my W read “How to Help Your Partner Heal from Your Affair.” We continued IC and MC. She started to become more and more remorseful and try and connect with me.

Last month two major milestones happened. He put in his notice, and we found out his wife was pregnant via social media. She got pregnant about a month after he supposedly told her about the affair. This was an emotional set back for my W and ramped up her hate for the AP.

All in we are 4 months out from D-Day. He has now left the state and started at another job. For me it still feels like yesterday. My W has been coming out of the fog more and more. She is embarrassed, guilty, and very emotional. She says a lot that she doesn’t know what she was thinking. She almost seems confused. However she has been very open and surrendered all privacy. She still vacillates between self-pity and remorse for what she did. Some days she beats herself up to the point that she can’t really be there for me, and some days she is pure remorse and exactly what I need for healing. She also has a large amount of anger for the AP still and wants to make sure the wife knows. I had tried contacting her a couple of times, but was quickly blocked on social media. Oddly enough, my wife wasn’t.

We are pushing forward down the road of healing but looking back I wonder if I made the right decisions along the way. At first I saw the AP as someone that she needed protection from, as a predator. I hated him more than any one I had ever known. Him continually being a jerk helped reinforce that. As we have come further down the road, my anger has shifted back toward her a bit.

I was a good husband. I didn’t deserve this. I still don’t know how the trust can heal. I never saw this coming. Not from her. Not this level of betrayal.

Edit: Fixed some inaccuracies. Also, see my follow up post below that has more information about the time after D-day.

[This message edited by IdesofAugust at 11:49 AM, December 14th (Wednesday)]

IMO you are her plan B.

As you describe how she was get no out the fog by realizing how a POS OM was. What would had happened if OM were for real? If he were in love with her and willing to leave his wife for you WW?

The problem of being plan B is that plan A is put there and next time it may be for real. You may wonder "next time?". Yes she cheated on you in a happy healthy marriage, so why she is not going to do it again? What consequences she has faced so far, she kept her work, she kept her life, no one knows owns.....

Sorry for my comments

Good luck

The focus of both of you on the OM is troubling. From day one he should have been the least of either of your concerns. He did nothing to you. Unless you take it personal that your wife's lover should have been more loving and caring to her. Her need to stay angry with him is her need to have connection with him, while at the same time professing desire and commitment to you and your healing.

I had very little anger for the OM. Of course he was a jerk. Not bigger one than my wife was and she was the one I had to deal with day to day. He didn't break any vows to me, she did. Genuine remorse would have turned away from any thoughts of him or anger at him and it would have turned its full attention to you and the gracious offer you made to her.

This is, was, and will always be about your wife and the degree she is genuinely contrite and devoted to you and the R, any focus on the OM is a slap to you and your marriage. Any anger she maintains for the OM is energy and focus she is denying you. As for the "fog", I'm not a big believer. In my case and in countless cases discussed on this forum, the fog seems more willful deflection, denial, and rug sweeping than a "I can't think straight' fog.

[This message edited by DIFM at 4:23 AM, December 14th (Wednesday)]

My FWH had an A with a coworker who dumped him and her husband and moved abroad.

I am 3 years out with a remorseful husband who is still in IC and working hard on himself and this marriage.

I often think I was a plan B.

I gave my cheating husband a chance mainly for the kids and I have not regretted it as we have a better marriage now and he is a better father.

However, it has been hard, really hard to work on reconciliation and if it was not for the children, I would have divorced him. I do not want to be a plan B to anyone...

Think really hard.Your WW has not had any consequences( I threw mine out), was allowed to break NC( this would have been a deal breaker for me)and having been thrown under the bus by her AP, decides she wants YOU.

As someone of the posters said she should be indifferent to him, not angry. Anger shows she still has feelings for him.

Is she in IC?

I would give it time and watch her actions. Do not plan children with her any time soon.

Everything the other posters have said are true. And I will go deeper and add this: I am assuming that if you and your wife have never had piv inter course she says it was a PA means has done it with him? That really is awful that she chose that route instead of looking into options with someone she loves, her life partner.

She needed overnight to make a decision? Hell no. She needed to break NC mainly for closure? No way. You are plan B and my guess is the net worth, no debt lifestyle is keeping there because she'd lose a lot in the divorce. I would hold off on MC until both of you have had IC.

I'm just letting you know that you have been heard, friend. If there is one thing that is fortunate for you, it is that you stumbled across this site. There will be lots of support and advice....if you stay connected here.

You are going to hear a lot of things that you simply will not like. Much of it will seem like slamming on your wife, and maybe some comments will feel personal, but know that they come from a good place. Often times, the best advice/comments that you will experience here are the ones that hurt the most. After all, I don't think that you are looking for a bunch of "there, theres", and "poor yous"---you are looking for some optimism in a dire situation.

You are coming here 4 months out. The affair has been discovered, confronted, affair has ended(supposedly), and attempting to rebuild. In no specific order, here are some elements that you need to consider/reconsider:

---You are right that you did not deserve this. No matter what, nothing ever justifies an affair.

---Although you said that it will be difficult, you stated that you want to reconcile. And while I am not against reconciliation(I am pro-getting out of infidelity), I am definitely against the 'immediate' resolution to reconcile. You didn't even know the entirety of what you were trying to reconcile from, and there is no way that your mind had absorbed and understood the entirety of the situation. And now as things have settled down a little bit, more and more doubt is going to come into the picture. It is natural, but still very confusing.

---Your wife is following the patterns of a wayward to a 'T'. If you stick around here, you will realize how unbelievably common a cheater will behave. It is almost like they follow a script---we call it the Cheater's Handbook. The coworker affair, the secrecy with the phone, the pulling away emotionally from you, the confusion on who to 'pick', the regret(not remorse, which your wife does not have at this point), the self loathing, the breaking of No Contact, and the list goes on.....

---You also are following patterns of the betrayed spouse, and unfortunately making some common mistakes along the way---the believing that you are part of her pulling away, and finding comfort in someone else, putting in a HUGE amount of effort to be a better husband in the hopes of getting your marriage back on track(this is called the 'pick me' dance), allowing her to 'decide' who she chooses to be with, the immediate expression of wanting to reconcile without having all the information at hand, and YOUR list goes on.....

---You mentioned marriage counseling. In my opinion, that should stop right now. The marriage isn't the immediate crisis---the infidelity is, and that is 100% on her....period. She needs to spend some more time in IC to not only find out what allowed her to cheat, but to install safeguards to prevent poor decisions and poor boundaries in the future. Also, if you feel that you might benefit from some individual counseling, it is better to do so sooner than later.

---You have to work through your pain and trauma. Pushing it aside, or rugsweeping, is a guarantee for future problems. If you do decide to reconcile, the affair needs to be dealt with until it is virtually beaten to death.

---Also, just because you said you would reconcile doesn't mean that you can't change your mind. Infidelity is an instant termination of the marriage if you choose so---for some, it is simply a dealbreaker. For others, they come to learn that they can't overcome the betrayal. Just know that you are not obliged to stick it out for any specific reason. The marriage vows were not only broken by your wife, but burned to the ground. Any future relationship with your wife is a rebuilding.

The Plan B is important to address. Common sense says that 10 years will easily overcome 6 months, but the fact remains that you will question this for a looooong time. You stated:

My wife swears up and down that she had never picked him over me, nor would she have picked him over me if he had given her the option to.

What you have to remember is that she didn't pick you over him, nor would she have picked you over him had he given her the option to. The truth is that she DID pick him over you during her affair. You were already married, and were committed to each other. For her to involve herself in another relationship, you were stepped over for someone else. Also keep in mind that she had ZERO intentions of breaking this relationship off...not matter what she tells you today. She was forced out of her affair, and you will never know how it would have eventually played out. I am not telling you this to beat you down; I just want you to really think long and hard before you commit to reconciliation. From what you have posted so far, she currently is NOT reconciliation material, as she is still self loathing, she still has an emotional connection to her affair partner(yes---that anger and hatred are still connection to him), and I don't know if you have the entire truth. Keep in mind that honesty and trust are the basis for rebuilding---I know that there is near zero trust(expected), but I don't know if you know the entire story of her affair. It sounds like she is being more and more honest and open, but do you feel you have the total story?

This shit takes time. A lot of it. Just keep reading here, and keep posting. We can help get you through this while avoiding a lot of the mistakes that betrayed partners make while navigating infidelity.

I want to address another thing:

Last month two major milestones happened. He put in his notice, and we found out his wife was pregnant via social media. She got pregnant about a month after he supposedly told her about the affair. This was an emotional set back for my W and ramped up her hate for the AP.

Something does not seem right here. His wife got pregnant after she learned he cheated on her? Who gave you this information, your WW?

Your wife had an emotional set back when she found his wife was pregnant. It is obvious she had feelings for him, maybe she was hurt that he made his wife pregnant and not her?

As jb3199 put is so well-she made a choice and it was not you. If she chose you:

-she would not have had an affair with someone else

-she would have gone immediate NC with him and not seek closure, which meant "are you leaving your wife for me, remember you said you loved me"?

-she would not have felt hurt when she learned his wife was pregnant.

I smell a rat. I do not think his wife knows that he cheated on her.....

[This message edited by cannotforgive at 8:08 AM, December 14th (Wednesday)]

Being betrayed changes people. It creates anger and bitterness. And it makes a person a true cynic. Often a very strong cynic. Sometimes those changes carry over into the comments that posters make here. Please know that one of the better pieces of advice you can get is that while SI is an awesome site and often a life saver for betrayed spouses, as you read, take what you need and leave the rest. Evaluate comments and advice with your intellect, not your heart, your intellect. And proceed accordingly. Pay attention to your wife's actions, not her words. She needs to be saying the right words for sure, but words can be false. So watch her actions and judge her on those.

I don't know if you were, or are, Plan B. Truth is that no one here really knows that. They have opinions, but no one truly knows.

DDay for me was 1985. Still married. I don't know if I was Plan B. Of course she insists, like your wife, that I never was.

Fact is it doesn't matter. What I have learned over the years is this. It doesn't matter if I was Plan B. She cheated. In a long A. And that caused devastation that only a BS can understand. So, Plan B or not? What does it matter? If I was the devastation wouldn't be any worse than it was.

What matters is: do you want to try to R your marriage? If no, then D her. No disgrace there and she gets what she deserves from cheating.

If you want to try to R, then whether you were Plan B doesn't matter. What matters is what are you now to her? Does she show and act true remorse? Do her actions convince you that she wants the marriage even more than you? Do her actions convince you that she truly loves you and only you? And are those actions continuous and continuing? Is she working her butt to help you heal in whatever ways you need?

R is a long and difficult road. With many bumps along the way. It can be done. It is your choice whether to take that road or not. And even if you choose to try, if her efforts diminish to the point that you feel she has become indifferent, you can change your mind and D then. It is always your choice.

Just make your decision on what you want based on your observation and evaluation of her actions and not influenced by any flowery words she may offer. Come here to vent; to learn from experiences of others; to seek advice. But always use your intellect to decide what rings true and right to you.

Peace and good luck

First of all, I want to thank all of you for replying. I've lurked on this site for the past month and it has given me a lot of insight.

My first post was done at 1:00 AM when I couldn't sleep and was more of an emotional release for me than it was an appropriate outpouring of all the facts. Honestly, I kind of want to go up there and remove 80% of it and focus on D-day and what happened afterwards. I left out a lot of detail from that because I was currently opining about how we got "here" and the different things along the way that were bends in the road.

My major regrets all happened in the first 3 weeks after D-day.

One was how much time I gave her to choose. I rationalized that by telling myself that I wanted to give her the opportunity to choose the OP. That way, if she chose the OP in that moment, I wouldn't have to make any decisions aside from what color paper the envelope should be that would hold the divorce papers. I do feel a bit like Plan B, and wish I had forced more definitive action. On the flip side, as time moved forward from D-day I saw her come to realizations through IC and introspection about the A and her AP. In many many ways he didn't hold a candle to me. He just had the one thing that she didn't know how to tell me she desperately needed. What she did was wrong, and there is no excuse. I'm not making excuses for what she did. I'm simply stating that in many respects she has continued to reinforce that there was no way he could have offered her all that the marriage did. She has said multiple times that she feels like she was borderline delusional, and now that time has passed she can't really identify why she felt that she loved him.

The second one was that I went to her aid instead of focusing on what I needed from day one. Ever since I was young, I have always been the guy that stepped in to "save the day." I put myself between others and bullies. I stuck by people during hard times in their lives. I was there, without question, when family or friends needed me. However, I also demanded honesty from people and was never a doormat. So, combine that with all of the trials and tribulations that my wife and I had been through. Combine that with all the things she did for others, and me, that were so above and beyond. That the A was SO FAR removed from the character of the woman I had known for the past 10 years... I watched as her M was put in jeopardy, her career was put in jeopardy, her reputation got put on the line, and I watched as the AP came into the office daily and went out of his way to make things difficult for my wife. It wasn't in my nature to sit back and watch it burn, no matter how betrayed I felt or if I was open to R in the M.

She didn't deserve for me to step in and be supportive in those first few weeks. Half of me feels like it was a great weakness on my end not to just let the house of cards crumble, and half of me really respects that I did it. Unfortunately it did put the focus on the OM and on her.

During the first 3 weeks was when the breaches in NC occurred. She openly disclosed them to me without me "finding out" about them. They were small, and consisted of things like asking if he had found a new job yet and expressing her anger at him once. The communication was brief, and in a public setting.

When she fessed up to those is when I put my foot down. I told her NC meant NC. I didn't care what the reason was. If it became necessary for any reason, work or otherwise, then she needed to discuss it with me first. At this point in time he was looking for a job and so I didn't push her needing to quit. I did however require complete disclosure and open access to all methods of communication, which she provided.

I also told her that it was time to focus on us, and that unless there was dramatic improvement I wasn't going to entertain the idea of sticking around.

We were already in IC and MC at that point, but hadn't had many appointments yet. I told her that those needed to continue to be a priority. That is also when I asked her to read the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair."

She had already gotten into the details of the affair, and I honestly believe she didn't hide anything. Her therapist had her write me a disclosure statement that answered all of my questions and allowed her to tell her story. Many of the answers were painful, some were interesting, and some just didn't make sense. After that we had many more conversations about the A and the AP. We continue to beat it to death.

In the 3 months after that day she has been much more remorseful. There are times I see signs of self-pity, guilt, and regret but more and more I am seeing what I characterize as remorse.

Also, to be clear, she has supposedly followed NC rules since and openly and immediately disclosed whenever he attempted contact for any reason at all. This included screenshots and not deleting conversations.

All of our phone records, bank statements, etc matched 100% with her disclosure statement. I haven't detected anything that didn't seem to "fit."

One user mentioned that "if we never had PiV sex," and so I wanted to clarify there. My wife and I did have sex routinely, but PiV was painful. Outside of that we had a good sex life in other ways, typically multiple times a week.

jb3199 - Just wanted to say I really, really appreciated your post. We are not in R yet, but we are on the path to that. I have not committed to staying in the marriage yet, and she knows that.

CannotForgive - I completely agree that the AP's wife doesn't know what is going on. I tried to communicate with her a few times and was not successful. It started to feel a little stalkerish, and at one point I even reached out to a family member with bad results. I haven't pushed it, but I do feel that she has a right to know what is going on.

1985 - Thank you. I appreciate the advice, and the kind words. Sometimes I feel like my decisions so far have been from a place of strength, and sometimes I feel like I did the wrong thing and I was weak... in reality it is probably a bit of both. Either way, good advice on watching actions.

[This message edited by IdesofAugust at 10:02 AM, December 14th (Wednesday)]

Quick comment re: the OBS - you can hire a PI to deliver evidence and information to the OBS. You can also send mail via registered/certified, or something like that. The USPS can tell you how to send it so that ID and an personal signature is required.

Either way you go, please do offer some way to get back in touch with you, like call the PI to call you or create a new, single-use email account to send along with a letter. She might have questions, just like you did.

Your wife taking so long to decide between you and this married guy is troubling and the fact she doesn't understand that shows she is rather immature.

I guess she also doesn't understand marriage, she is married and has sex with a coworker and then tells you she loves him and you.

Your wife needs some therapy to figure out the why she did this and why she truly doesn't understand what marriage is all about.

All of these breaks of NC means the affair continues. She says it was only for talk in a public place, you don't know if that is true.

Are they still working together?

You would be a fool to think he told his wife.

Does she know maybe? She might have gotten your message but when confronted her husband played dumb and she believed it. And now is ignoring you reaching out.

At some point you will have to come to terms with you tried to contact her and move on. But I say you should at least send a USPS registered signature required letter to her. I have also seen on here someone had a process server deliver a envelope to the OBS.

But I think you are treading on focusing to much on the OBS and OM and not on your WW. You will hit the same stages of recover we all do including accepting, anger, resentment, and etc... You shouldn't waste anymore time or you risk that 2 to 5 year becoming 5+ years to recover (average)....

So sorry you have found yourself in this crap.. So destructive

All of these breaks of NC means the affair continues. She says it was only for talk in a public place, you don't know if that is true.

Are they still working together?

craig2001 - No, he is no longer at the same employer. The AP got a new job, and both he and his W relocated for that job to a different state. My wife offered to quit her job multiple times, and it was the fact that he said he was leaving and the fact that we both sacrificed a lot to get her here that I personally told her to stay. Not saying that was right or wrong, but it was something that I did. That is partially why I offered her so much support at first.

There were only 2 breaches of NC that I am aware of. WS disclosed both of them to me without me asking. That was the incident that triggered me to demand focus on the M and on myself, and is when I began to be less supportive of my WS and when I became less focused on the AP. It has been 3 months, supposedly, since last contact that wasn't planned by her, her therapist, and myself.

sneaker - I don't believe, at all, that his wife is aware. That is a whole other rabbit hole. I love the idea of a private investigator or certified delivery. That being said, I am also with you that I want to focus on my M, and my W. I worry a little bit about her health relating to the pregnancy and finding out news like this... I'm still a bit up in the air on leave them alone or make sure she knows.

I guess my other question would be, what now?

She is taking steps, and is in IC. She is showing signs of remorse, with some backsliding.

My IC/MC has told me to write an impact letter to her, and I am in the process of doing that. My W has been encouraging me to do this, not hold back, and not put it off. She has openly admitted that what she did was horrible and completely violated our marriage.

The OP is gone. I have no reason to believe that she is still in contact with him. In many ways we communicate better now than we ever have in the past. She has blocked him on all social media, on her phone, and removed him from her work communication system.

I feel like I was too lenient in the beginning, but I do feel she is trying now. If I could go back and change some things, I would... but life is a one way street.

I read a bit about 180, and don't feel I'm really there yet. That being said, my anger and frustration are starting to be appropriately placed (at my WS vs the OP).

Well, you're helping to hide their affair from his wife.

How does that make you feel?

That, and don't you wish that if anybody knew that they'd have told you?

Right now she's living a lie, at risk for STDs asking with her child, and has a husband like she has.

Tell her, it is the kindest thing to do. You're giving the gift of truth.

[This message edited by devotedman at 1:08 PM, December 14th, 2016 (Wednesday)]

Well, you're helping to hide their affair from his wife.

How does that make you feel?

I do feel she should know. I tried 4 times. Once I sent her a message on social media, once I called her work and left a message to call her, and the third time I went by the house and knocked on the door.

After those failed attempts I felt that it was starting to get a little odd. Then they moved out of state. I called her mother for my final attempt at contacting her, and it didn't go very well.

I still plan on sending her a certified letter of some kind, although my wife has also mentioned wanting to send her an apology as well. I don't know how I feel about that part... I'm suspicious of the motivation. Then again it could be cathartic.

What backsliding?

Backsliding in reference to her being in a remorseful and supportive state of mine 70% of the time, but sometimes falling into selfish habits around self-pity, guilt, and regret.

Everyone comments according to their own perspective and their own experiences. I will do the same. Like 1985, I come here having discovered my wife's 3 year affair with a coworker. I am also here being 5 years out since Dday and having fully and unapologetically reconciled. So take it for it's worth.

Affairs suck, as you have clearly found out. They suck even worse when the cheating spouse is unremorseful... and even worse than THAT when they stay in the affair. In all cases it's an enormous shit sandwich that we've taken a bite of. Spit it out, swallow it, or cover it with pickles and it still leaves a nasty taste in your mouth.

Here's the thing, though. Everyone expects for the WW to turn around on a dime and suddenly start doing everything conceivable to help you heal. Think about that for a moment - how the heck does SHE know what to do? It's not like women have an affair and plan to get caught. Having to deal with a husband who is decimated in a way that she's never seen before isn't easy for someone who has never been there before. Instead, a remorseful wife does the best she can - to help you feel safe, answer your questions, and show you that they're not going back there. This is, of course, at the very same time that they're trying to make sense of what they've done, what kind of person does such a thing, is my husband going to leave me....

The longer out from Dday I get the more I realize that putting yourself in your WW's shoes creates an enormous amount of insight. For as long as I have hurt I recognize now, with absolute conviction, that my wife's pain is far worse than mine will ever be. She is the one who will forever have to live with the fact that she broke our vows. It is a pain with which I would not want to live.

You can't get a hold of the guy's wife? Give it a few more shots and then let it go. You've tried to do what's right. You don't have to spend the rest of your life focusing on it.

So where do you go from here? You go forward. Your wife seems that she's pulled her head out of her ass and is getting her shit together. Make sure that she continues with IC and start the process of moving yourselves past this crappy roadblock. As is often said, you can look in the rear view mirror and watch it move away from you. It will always be there - but it does get more distant.

That being said, I'm going to tell you right now that it's not easy. 5 years out and the affair still bugs me. The shit they did, the stuff they said, the places they went. It never REALLY goes away. You need to be okay with that and be able to deal with it.

Can you? Are you the kind of guy who can, one day, let it go? Or do you harbor resentment? Will you bring this up in a fight ten years from now and start everything all over again - from day one?

One step at a time.

She has openly admitted that what she did was horrible and completely violated our marriage.

^^This is an obvious "No shit, Sherlock." So she admitted what she did was horrible and violated your marriage. Well, Captain Obvious, what else is there to admit?

FYI: sex is not your issue. Your WW did not have an affair to "see if he fit better". She had an affair because she was selfish.

You also know it wasn't a 10 second thing. So even her confession is full of lies and omissions.

What is she doing to show you her remorse?

Has she had an STD test? (Have YOU?)

Has she written a timeline of the affair?