SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I would be concerned about her spending habits too. Talk to an attorney but cancel all cards in both names. Transfer half or the savings (plus any money she took out and the CC debt)and move it into an account with only your name on it.

I want SO badly to believe she cares about me. Should I text her and ask, or will I just get another lie?

So have I read this correctly ID10TForm...you're going to send a text to your WW asking if she cares about you? As you SO badly want to believe she does care about you if she texts back 'Yes' then that's all sorted then?

The way I've written the above reads quite harshly and insensitively. It's not intended to be my friend.

The added aspects of the financial infidelity and even your WW choice of a sport that’s (more or less) based on external validation strongly indicate she has some serious issues. Issuse that MC wont help an iota to fix. She needs IC and she needs it fast. If she thinks the reasons she cheated are due to the marriage… you have no chance of reconciliation.

This ^^^

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here on SI with the rest of us chumps.

There's a ton of wisdom from other BS's on here who have been through the hell of what you are going through now. Keep going through that hell until you reach the other side, which you will.

Be strong!

sillyoldsod- Yeah I realize that sounds totally ridiculous, I'm a complete and utter disaster right now. I'm definitely not going to do that. I'm just so out of my mind between taking care of my children and dealing with all this.

trustedg- I'm gonna think about this. You're saying take all the debt onto the card that would be in my name?

sillyoldsod- Yeah I realize that sounds totally ridiculous, I'm a complete and utter disaster right now.

Hey I understand. We all do. We were all complete and utter disasters when we found out.

That's why SI is such a blessing. It tries to help you to look at things more rationally than you're able to do on your own during this horribly traumatic time. At the moment you're riding the emotional rollercoaster...and the ride has just begun!

Although we've all walked a mile in your shoes you don't have to accept anyone's advice or agree with what is being suggested. As they say on here 'take what you want and leave the rest'.

Best wishes.

Your initial post says after confronting he was texting her in front of you and she lied about it, you telling her you want to work on it.

She is disrespecting you by her continued actions, you continue to try to convince her. She is showing what she wants by her ACTIONS, ignore the conflicting words, talk is cheap and easy, she is not walking the talk. Believe her actions, her actions are loud and clear.

No honor. Cheats. Then continually lies to your face. Admits truth only to the extent of you discovering evidence. Believe her actions. Tell her you are moving on, when she shows shecwsnts this marriage, you *might* reconsider.

Does she love you? Get your head around this: she doesn't think like you. She loves herself. You, your kids, are secondary to her happiness. Don't make the mistake of projecting your normal thoughts into her. She's different than you because she is broken. And, no, you can't save her. You can only save yourself and your kids.

By severing the community, I am referring to Texas being a community property state. Everything you make is half hers and vice versa. But you can come to an agreement where it is all separate property. Separate property income, debt, etc.

But that won't solve the next problem. If you are 8 years military then in 2 more years she gets half your military pension. If divorce is inevitable pull the plug early enough to not hit the 10 year mark.

See a lawyer. And mention none of this to her. She is the enemy right now.

Bigger is on target. External validation!! The bikini contest. SMH. Shenneeds help, she wants the wrong kind of attention. She has some issues and needs therapy.

I believe this is the same problem with my WW. She got fit and started having online affairs with bodybuilders on myfitnesspal.

Posting sexy selfies ect ect.

wk55hn- Yeah I'm beginning to see the validity here. She is not who I thought she was. I haven't really seen any actions of remorse yet other than tears and words.

PlanC- I understand everything you're saying. She says she loves me but does otherwise. My counselor basically said as much that she is wired differently than me. At least for now I have a small hope that things can change. Emphasis on small..idk. I'm seeing JAG tomorrow.

soulhurt- Yeah the external validation thing is...valid (pun not intended). She has always had body issues, suffered from bulimia in her youth. This is also her first break from being mommy in several years.

ID10

First: thank you for your service. I dread the thought of you being deployed with this unresolved at home. You need to be totally aware and focused on your environment wherever you go and can’t have part of your brain thinking and worrying back home while deployed.

On the plus side, then the Military offers great access to support, including guidance and help to spouses and marital issues. You really must access that. I also STRONGLY urge you to seek legal advice. As has been pointed out then she might have a right to your pension. You want to be totally aware of what your options are irrespective of divorce or reconciliation.

I’m a former cop. Before leaving the station at the start of every shift we had a procedure where we would check through a list of things; gun in place, loaded and locked, holster closed, cuffs on hip and correctly placed, watch correct, CS in place… and so on. We didn’t do this procedure because we planned on shooting someone or expected to be shot at. We did it because the worst-case scenario MIGHT take place. I think you need to do something comparable to that.

Frankly; It’s not common that affairs just end at d-day… Your WW gives very shallow reasons for her affair… She doesn’t sound like she realizes the magnitude of what she has done… She isn’t willing to go all in to save the marriage and places some things above that task…

Add to that the issues I see her dealing with…

Combine all that and you NEED to be aware of your options. You need to check your holster and realize what divorce would mean to you, your children, your pension, your career… Not because you want to divorce or not even because you plan on divorce but simply because that MIGHT turn out to be your only option…

Then you mention some other things. The financial infidelity and shopping spree. [What was that for? Where did the money go?] Things for her or her sport? Her previous bulimia. Her choice of sport… All-in-all then to ME this all screams body-issues, validation-issues…

Don’t get me wrong. If she has body-issues, then getting in shape and getting validation through competition can be good. But right now it sounds like she sought validation from the OM. She insists on going to the gym probably for validation from her friends. She seeks the high of the validation more than she fears the loss of the marriage.

Once deployed… How are you to know if she’s handling the weights or handling OM?

I don’t see how MC can change that…

The best you can expect from MC is that IF it’s a competent MC then you can convey your concerns about her issues and the MC realizes that trying to fix the marriage is simply pouring water into a leaking bucket. That competent MC will get your WW into IC.

He might then focus on creating an environment where you feel safe to go to your deployment.

Her insistence on going to the same gym: Were her friends aware of the affair? Was any of the friends an enabler?

And getting separate accounts and all that… Friend – you two are married. Chances are any debt will be joint debt. Any debt collector won’t take her half of the car or her half of the house. It’s joint debt and she can sneak off to get a new credit-card in her name and still leave you in the hole.