SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

@Goalie

Thanks for your post. Sharing your struggles helps to let me know I am not alone. Feeling pretty alone on this Valentine's Day. My wife is understandably angry tonight...it is Valentines Day after all and I have forever ruined it for her.

The bigger issue of the betrayal is she wants to understand why I did it only with men. I am working very hard on that and it really is coming into focus for me and I have begun telling her why. Not sure she comprehends that yet, but it is out there.

Must be incredibly hard for both of you to try and understand why A was only with men....and confusing. I hope both of you are able to find out why that answers everybody's questions.

The progress I felt is that she did say she would want to join me with my IC to get into it together

In my opinion, that is real progress. It is a real sign that she wants to support you and give R a real chance. Be grateful for it and let her know often how much you appreciate it.

While I am not sure I helped you in your situation, I give you this text to help you see how it is going for someone who not only betrayed his spouse, but someone who went to a deeper more confusing place by having sexual "A" with men. Not proud, not beating myself up and ready to move on.

You helped. You shared with me and that helps. Like I said, feeling pretty alone tonight. I hope you aren't beating yourself up about your A's. I struggled early with beating myself up in my head. There was a lot of vile words I used to describe myself in my head. I hope you remember that doing this does no one any good and can actually lead to falling back into old patterns. I have ever so slowly realized that part of healthy boundaries includes not letting myself do that to myself.

I think this is a necessary first step towards truly forgiving yourself. I had to give myself permission to stop beating myself. I am not sure if I have forgiven myself yet. I think I am moving toward there, but a lot of forgiving myself still feels linked to my BW forgiving me. Until I let go of that link, I don't think I can truly forgive myself. At least that is how I feel tonight.

Thanks again for sharing. I wish nothing but the best for you and your BW in your R.

@Goalie

I find myself enjoying my wife so much more and while we are still working on things and have a long road ahead I am happy to see our future and our new marriage , but never forget what got me and us here

Good. Please do enjoy it. For me, never forgetting is what allows me to really appreciate and soak in my family and be grateful for still being in my home and allowed to experience my children every day. I shouldn't be here, I know it.

I suggest you do some research to find a BAN group in your area. Beyond Affairs Network. This is a support group for people who have been victims of affairs. Find out the location and time and then suggest that she attend. They are wonderful people who will offer support to her.

Don't give up. Tell her you will not give up on your marriage. Tell her you will do ANYTHING she asks of you. Do not tuck your tail no matter how shitty you feel. Tell her that you are working to become a better person and that you wont give up on her or your family.

Thank her for the gift of being allowed to stay in your home.

@hurtingknside and @numbinside24 thank you for your replies , totally get it and so happy to report the possibility of R is so real and now starting to be in sight. I accept I am bisexual and I am committing to my wife a monogamous marriage . I want to renew our vows so we can start our new marriage now and vow my commitment and I will never ever ever betray her or me again the pain is horrible period

@numbinside24

Thanks for your post and for your suggestions.

I suggest you do some research to find a BAN group in your area. Beyond Affairs Network. This is a support group for people who have been victims of affairs. Find out the location and time and then suggest that she attend. They are wonderful people who will offer support to her.

Have never heard of this support group before. Thank you for the suggestion. I don't feel that I get to suggest support group or other forms of therapy to my BW. First of all, I come across as pushing my own timeline. Second of all, I feel I would be pushing her towards therapy/support/help for issues that I am the cause of...and I don't get to do that. Third of all, I have made enough decisions about her life. She gets to how and who she seeks support from. These are my feelings about suggesting that she attend any sort of support group. How do I suggest this without doing any of the things above?

Don't give up. Tell her you will not give up on your marriage. Tell her you will do ANYTHING she asks of you. Do not tuck your tail no matter how shitty you feel. Tell her that you are working to become a better person and that you wont give up on her or your family.

Not giving up at all. Contrary to my past actions, I do love my wife and my family. Never stopped loving them.

I will do anything she asks of me. I believe I have done most things that she has explicitly asked of me. I think the only thing I was hesitant on doing that she explicitly requested (multiple times) was posting more on SI. Any that was because of my fear. An example of me tucking my tail between my legs. Recently, I have started posting more and started trying to be more open and honest with my feelings on here. I am not going to abandon my BW or my family. It probably feels more like more punishment for my wife having me here, but I am not leaving until she asks me to. I can at least do my best while I am still living with her and my kids to support her in any way she or my kids need.

Thank her for the gift of being allowed to stay in your home.

I do. Although not nearly enough that would show how grateful I am to her for allowing me to stay here. It has given me extra time with my kids every day. She has given me stability and strength to work on myself and my recovery by allowing me to stay in our home and see my kids. I know I would be nowhere close to where I am now if I had been asked to leave as she likely should have done. I don't know if there are enough thanks I could say to express this to her.

Absolutely anything you can do to show her that her happiness and safety are the most important things to you, regardless of whether she decides to reconcile or divorce.

Good morning been several days since posted and I must say I feel more and more positive progress , both in my understanding myself and seeing how my BW is doing and reacting to me . I continue with IC and actually went to include a therapist who specializes in sex therapy, sexuality and even addiction . She was wonderful in really helping me get my head around my own sexuality which is super important for a real R to happen . I definitely understand myself more and know confidently that in the Kinsey scale of sexuality where a 0= heterosexual and a 6= gay I definitely am not a 0 nor a 6, where I fall Inbetween is not as important to me as the fact I can openly admit that I am not 100% straight nor gay so if one wants to label me bisexual is more in line but wow it has many degrees too. Regardless as I work on myself and can openly talk to my BW and finding a way for her to understand that and knowing I am so so so committed to R and can with all confidence commit to monogamy with her . I feel this amazing relief and clear vision of our life together and can see our future and damn it I am so so happy and excited about it . I feel like we are dating before we get married again , lmao as I feel like a young man courting a cute sexy young woman. But I reserve my enthusiasm to know this is a process and we will work together for open emotional life together . I show her everyday how much I love her and I also never let her feel like she was at fault and I am a better man , husband and dad now. Period .