SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Here's what I've written thus far:

All I need at this time from you is a measurable amount of trustworthiness regarding your commitment to this marriage. This would come by way of maintaining no contact with him, total transparency, and honesty.

This has been consistent since we first started talking about reconciling. You have broken a sacred trust. It is now your job to EARN it back.

Your behavior last night EXACTLY mirrored your behavior when I first started becoming suspicious about your phone activities back in February. And your story of "not remembering" calling that number honestly holds no weight. It was dialed from your phone twice last Saturday evening. In fact, over the last 4 weeks you spent 162 minutes talking to whomever that number is associated with. Do you remember now? Unless someone used your phone that evening to make that phone call, then your excuse can only be seen as suspicious if not completely dishonest. If you cannot provide me a valid, VERIFIABLE reason, then I can only conclude that you are not being truthful. I base this conclusion not on a vacuous assumption. But on my experience regarding your past behavior which happened only weeks ago.

You say you need space. You may go wherever you need to go. I will only assume that you are using this time to remain in contact with him. I cannot accept that and, if so, I will take it as a message that this marriage is over and will make appropriate arrangements to make it so.

You don't have stay married to me. But I will not accept any other conditions regarding how this marriage will be conducted if you choose to stay.

Bazinga

[This message edited by squid at 12:37 PM, April 26th (Wednesday)]

Squid

It is perfect....

Good for you....

However, I would recommend deleting the whole paragraph that starts with " Your behavior..."

You are still trying to call her out for her horrendous choices (rightfully so) but I predict that she will use this against you. She will argue the details vs. responding to the facts. It is a distraction from your main message. It muddies the message of what you want her to respond to.

FACTS.

You need time = marriage is over

I need trustworthiness = are you able to provide it?

You state your conditions in the last line. BRAVO

Head up. Be strong. We are here.

Sent

FWIW - given my signature line it may not be much (we WWs are often discounted by BSs - rightly so sometimes) but....

Her comment "this affair has brought out the worst in us" is horrid and selfish beyond much of what I've seen on this site. Her affair has f***d up you and your marriage.

I second/third/fourth vote you draw a hard line with her - looks like she's walking all over you and still cake eating.

Here is her reply:

I feel like many of the things you say and do to me is like a knife I want to use to end my suffering. You are not the only fragile one right now. I'm discouraged that when I feel I've reached a little bit of calm, something always takes it away. I'm starting to accept that I may never attain that with you and that is very difficult for me. I do want a divorce, an amicable one. But I also need you to help me raise our kids. I hope we can somehow agree to that. I know we both need space and I will try my best to be out of your way. It's not long term of course because I don't have anywhere to go. For now I won't bother you and I would appreciate it if you can do the same for me.

You see, I am the one that is unsuitable for reconciliation because my pain and suffering due to her A are too unbearable for her to deal with. Therefore, she needs a divorce. But in a timeline that will suit her financial situation.

[This message edited by squid at 8:07 PM, April 26th (Wednesday)]

Her comment "this affair has brought out the worst in us" is horrid and selfish beyond much of what I've seen on this site. Her affair has f***d up you and your marriage.

I second/third/fourth vote you draw a hard line with her - looks like she's walking all over you and still cake eating.

Thank you, gonnabegr8.

She'll never see it that way. She has gone into full victim-mode. Always blaming. I was hoping to R. But I can fully see she is not there and perhaps never will get there.

She is acting like a selfish b****, get an attorney that will treat her like one and protect you.

If she wants it to be amicable, then she needs to drop the victim mentality and accept responsibility for her infidelity which destroyed the M.

Also, do NOT let her set the timeline for the D, its your call, do it as fast or as slow as you desire without concern for her wants or needs.

She did not consider you during the A, you need not consider her during the D...just get it done.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 8:52 PM, April 26th (Wednesday)]

I am sorry you are hurting Squid. I too have dealt with the NC being broken and to me that is the ultimate fuck you. They see that you are torn apart, and know that your marriage is on life support YET talking to the AP means more.

You are in a position of power. See your lawyer as let her know. When your WW sees you aren't putting up with her shit she will realize what she is losing.

And the bullshit of being the victim is just another tactic these fools like to do. My WH still works with his whore. When I bring it up, he will say I am the one hindering out healing process. Seriously, WTF.

Good luck. Keep moving forward.

Poor little muffin. Your suffering is interfering with her zen.

She's lost Squid. Her implication that you won't help with the kids is absolutely insulting. Squid...HARD 180. In house separation is hell - but focus on your kids and your health. Stake out a claim in a corner of the house and declare it your safe zone.

Does your wife work? Separate your finances and get to an attorney. Discuss only kids and finances. All your energy spent on investigating her waywardness - is now only for squid. No more waffling. No negotiating. No more discussion. Hard 180

squid. You'll falter - it's going to be tough - but you have support here and we'll help you climb back up on the wagon when you slip.

Do you have real life support? Family and friends? It's time to make them aware of your struggles if you haven't already. And carry a VAR. Her victimhood could turn ugly once she realizes see you're no longer living on her timeline.

I'm so angry for you. Be strong. Keep your mind clear and focussed. No more shit stew for you....

Dude, Mama, sassy,

Thank you so much. I often question my own sanity living with someone like this.

I'm trying to get an appointment to see an attorney tomorrow if not Friday. I'm definitely more focused on making this as quick as possible.

Since I am the primary earner, there aren't much finances to divide.

sassy,

Your comment another thread mirrors what I am going through right now.

How she gaslighted you - accused you of not reacting to infidelity like a normal person. She is abusive. You blamed your OCD - she manipulated you into ignoring your gut - your core instincts. Her manipulation resulted in you questioning your perception of reality. Pure psychological trauma.

Chilling and infuriating at the same time.

She does work though, right?

Dude,

Very much part time work. Earns about what we spend in groceries per month. But she's looking for more work. I will likely have to help her live on her own. Ain't that poetic?

[This message edited by squid at 9:53 PM, April 26th (Wednesday)]

Squid - I decided to check on you after saying that to LF. There is so much cruelty beyond the actual sex act. So much more trauma. The saying around here is it's often not the affair that kills the marriage - but the lies and behaviours after the affair ends - and of course - the fact she resumed the affair doesn't help either.

Are you curtailing her access to the funds since you're the primary earner? Let OM pay for her extras. Is she wants an amicable divorce - she can make it easy for you and keep her demands reasonable.

Mama,

This:

My WH still works with his whore. When I bring it up, he will say I am the one hindering out healing process. Seriously, WTF.

I have heard that so many times from my WW. Indeed. WTF.

Sassy,

I haven't gotten that far yet regarding finances. She does earn money. But, yeah, I'm the primary earner and she spends my money. Which I never really minded up until now. I know I'll be well up into this subject in the coming days.

Any more tips would be welcomed!

OK, first step is to put a freeze on any new credit in your name, and remove her from any current credit accounts, cancelling her cards ASAP!

I would open a new bank account at a different bank altogether, and move your pay there, depositing only enough for her responsibilities at home to the current account that she has access to.

If you don't handle the finances, its time to take over, even if she doesn't want you to.

If there are any savings accounts, I would also shift those balances over to new accounts without her name, but remember that she will be entitled to her share in the D....this is just to keep her from hiding it and taking more later.

Our office is in the process of leaving the national firm and go on its own, as we were years ago. But as the with all of the new paperwork required when you move to a new job, we're having to fill out health insurance and disability, etc. Having to fill out all of those forms with family info like spouse and kids names just got me so depressed. Especially thinking about how this whole thing is probably going to go down.

I will have my new paychecks deposited into a different bank account that she doesn't have access to. She only has one credit/debit card in her name that she opened when she got her latest job.

She texted me today all excited that she got a raise because she got a good job review. And I was genuinely happy for her. Of course, I texted her back that I was glad for her. I'm so conflicted. I want to be happy for her and let her know that I support her. But she's treating me like ass and pissing me off to no end. Probably not 180 behavior.

I don't really see her as a money-leeching type. But I guess divorce does that to some people. Her family is dirt poor and are appalled that she had an affair and are worried sick that I will divorce her.

There is only one cc that she is authorized to use that is in my name. Otherwise, if she needs a card, she just asks me for one.

[This message edited by squid at 3:49 PM, April 27th (Thursday)]

I'm sorry that this seems to be going south, and fast. You're doing the right thing.

I too have dealt with the NC being broken and to me that is the ultimate fuck you

I've lived this too and it really is the ultimate fuck you. But it should also give you the absolute clarity so hold on to that.

It's confusing dealing with someone that we still love on some level and do want to be happy. And then, wham! The reality of what has happened comes flooding back. It takes us BS's a while to catch up with all of those confusing and conflicting thoughts and feelings. There is no flip to switch but this is exactly the reason behind the 180--it's a detachment mechanism and once you can start to detach, then it helps to sift through that.

In house separation is a rung in hell. I don't know how people do it but I understand why they do. I would start to look for alternate housing as soon as you can. I know it's deeply painful but it's not nearly as bad as living with a WS who has no intention of trying to reconcile.

(((squid)))