SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am new to this site. I wish I had found this much sooner. Anyway, August will be two years since Dday. My wife revealed her affair to me in August of 2015. Our marriage had been suffering on and off for about 2 or 3 years already from family problems. In May of 2015 we had our biggest and nastiest fight which I ended by screaming at her and telling her that she just had to get over her issues and that I didn't want to discuss them anymore. She walked away angry and slept in another bedroom that night.

Normally I am or was the one in the relationship that would make amends and make sure that no matter what, we would go to bed together and do our best to not go to bed angry. However, truth be told I was tired of all the fighting that I didn't care to even try that night. As a matter of fact it was so bad that I though she would be asking for a divorce at any moment and that was ok by me because I couldn't take the fight anymore. I admit that I had given up trying on my marriage because I didn't know how to fix it.

So, that same night while sleeping in a separate room she was on Facebook all night trying to keep her mind off of things. She claims that it was innocent but she made contact with the OM who had been one of her Facebook friends for two years already. An old high school acquaintance.

That contact continued and became a sort of EA online and it went from Facebook to secret KiK accounts. He convinced her to meet up for lunch as friends and it went from there and it turned into a PA. According to my wife they met up for lunch about 4 or 5 times and it ended in a motel room the last time together. She also claims she felt horrible and ended it right after.

I noticed during that time frame that she would find it easy to be mean and nasty to me over the smallest things. I remember telling my friends and family during that time frame that I felt that my wife hated me. That just led me to work longer hours and avoid her at home. We would go days with out physical contact or even

speaking. As her hatred for me grew, I started to suspect that something was going on other than the family issues that started this whole mess. I mean we weren't arguing about those things anymore but she hated more than ever.

I asked her one day if she still loved me or she would prefer a divorce. I told her that I had never felt hate before and that I felt like she hated me. I didn't get a straight answer because that just led to a fight rehashing all of the family problems.

After that I had a really strong feeling that there might be an OM. Well, in August we took our annual family vacation with her family and she got really drunk was fighting with all of her family. She just had all of this hatred and anger inside of her and would take it out on anyone near her. I played it low key that week because we didn't get along and we had a really big fight right before the drive up to the vacation.

Well, it didn't matter that I tried to avoid her. I was in the pool and it was just her, my sister in law and myself. Everyone else was tired of her and her insults at that point and had left the pool. Well since she ran out of targets, just my mere presence set her off and she started in on me and started hurling insults and just being mean. At that moment in her drunken state of mind, she says something about "this cheater right here" and pointed at her self.

That was confirmation that I was right. According to my sister in law she didn't here that comment because my wife was spewing so much garbage she really wasn't paying attention to her insults. However, I did find out later that my sister in law knew about the A because my wife had confided in her after the fact. To this day only the three of us, and of course the OM know about the A. I've never made contact with the OM.

Anyway, the next morning when she was sober I confronted her about her comments but she claimed that I misheard her and that it was not true. Over the next two weeks I continued to press her on it. I even told her that I was certain about it and that she was lying for no reason. I told her that I would deal with it and not leave but that I needed to know the truth. She finally confessed her A to me.

That's the gist of the story, of course there are many more details involved but I think I have gone on long enough. My problem now is that even though she has done everything right since D day, I haven't been truly able to forgive her. I flat out resent her most of the time. There really isn't anything she can do or say to make it feel better. Now she is the one that is always asking if I truly love her. She says she's sure that I don't love her and that I am only here for the kids sake. She is partially right. I think I do love her, but I am not sure if am in love with her. I'm also fairly certain that if it wasn't for the kids that I would have left by now. It's just too much shit for me to deal with. I feel like if I forgive and love her the way that she wants me to that I am somehow affirming that it was OK and that it was a "mistake". I hate when she says she made a mistake. It irks the hell out of me. A mistake is not a conscious decision that you know if wrong.

I guess what I want to know from some on here that have been through this is if the resentment ever goes away? Will I ever be able to look at her again and feel lucky to have her how I used to when we dated and were first married? Right now I look at her and only feel resentment, disappointment, and weakness.

Your thoughts and comments are welcome. Sorry for the long post. Thanks

It will go away with a lot of time and a lot of work by both of you. You both have to commit to R, if that's what you want, and be willing to work at being better partners. Especially her, she needs to own her shit and fix the part of her that was broken to begin with. As a starter piece "Not Just Friends" is and amazing read about infidelity and helping to decide if you even want R, and if you do, how best to go about fixing and healing from her A. There are many good books that I would suggest, but I would start with this one.

No contact with OM is essential to R, if she wants it she has to let him go and you have to see or hear that this has happened and is in place. Keep visiting here, this has been one of the best places I've found to learn how to heal my wife and fix myself.

I just saw Dday again. Wow. I don't think she has done any work on herself, otherwise you would be much further along than you are.

Note: Your W cheated for her own reasons, not because of your M or anything you did or didn't do. You are not to blame. You are, in most ways, collateral damage. If your W blames you for her cheating, she doesn't understand.

What has your W done to address her problems?

What have you done to address yours?

What keeps you together? why not D?

IMO, you need to find a good IC to help you deal with your continuing anger, and with the grief, fear, and shame that comes with being betrayed.

Also, I recommend reading in the Healing Library: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq.asp.

To heal, IMO, you need to process your anger, grief, fear, and shame out of your body. To do that, you need to find and enhance your power. That's very hard to do if you think of yourself as 'emasculated'. I know the feeling, and I know you have to get past it in order to heal.

For me, 'emasculation' came down to fear that I'd never have a successful sexual relationship again. That's all, and that's minor, because people can't predict the future - maybe I will have one, maybe not.

In any case, thinking I was emasculated was not any help to me at all.

I would ask her straight to her face: How would you like it if I had an EA, then I met her for lunch and I fucked her over and over and over. Then I'll come home to you with my dick covered in her, and you have to suck it. Then I will make you into a ass in front of my entire family and laugh at you because I'm putting one over on you.

How would she like it if you fucked around on her? Ask her. My client, not only asked, he downloaded a dating app in her presence, made a date for sex, and went on the date. His WW was angry hurt and betrayed, just as she did to him, and he said, how does it feel to have that played out in front of you. Doesn't feel good does it? AND SHE COULD NOT SAY A DAMN THING.

[This message edited by Taxi at 11:31 AM, May 8th (Monday)]

^ Did something similar after dday. Really drove the point home

Hey there Mr. E, welcome to SI. I'm sorry you've had to find us here, but you've come to the right place.

Infidelity is not a mistake. It's a choice based upon a life-time of habits and patterns of choosing, faulty coping mechanisms and deep, personal issues.

The hatred you felt from your WW during her affair is extremely common. To justify her infidelity, she chose to demonize and blame you. My FWW did much the same and I heard it all after D-day. Cheaters tend to shift the blame away from themselves to ease their own conscience.

Drinking to excess is another way your WW chose to ease her own pain and guilt.

At it's core, I believe that infidelity is self-destructive. Your WW blew-up her life, because she didn't know how to define her own self-worth, find her own happiness and live an authentic and honest life. Whatever issues she has, whatever it is that she's been struggling with all of her life, those issues were there long before you ever met her. She's kept them hidden from herself and the rest of the world all of her life. That's pretty common, too. We all have our issues; it's how choose to deal with them that makes the difference.

One of the toughest lessons for any betrayed spouse to learn--one that took me forever to really grasp--is that their spouse's affair had nothing at all to do with them. It's hard as shit not to take it personally, because we chose to marry them and we believed they were capable of maintaining their commitment to us.

If she's continuing to call her affair a mistake... brother, she hasn't been doing everything right.

Personally, I had to know why and how my FWW could have done what she did. Granted, she's never offered me an explanation that's ignited some magical lamp of understanding. It's been a long and laborious process to get me as close as humanly possible without actually being her. Even with all of that, over two years later, I'm still asking questions (though not as many, of course).

What's even more important than my understanding of her "whys", is whether or not I can now trust and have faith in the "why nots." Can I rest assured that my FWW knows, owns and understands those issues? Has she learned how to change those thought patterns and cope with those emotions, rather than let them lead her down that wayward road? Can she catch herself before she stumbles and falls? Can she live an authentic life?

Is she living an authentic life?

It sounds to me as if your WW has tried very hard to sweep her affair under the proverbial rug and that you're angry with yourself for enabling her behavior. That's also pretty common, btw. Don't think you're alone on that one.

Will I ever be able to look at her again and feel lucky to have her how I used to when we dated and were first married?

No. That woman is gone. In fact, she only existed as your perception of who you thought or wanted her to be. Now, she's shown you, and continues to show you, who she really is. The first person a wayward betrays is herself. She's shown you that she does not want to, or maybe can't, own and take action to deal with her own issues. I'd resent the hell out of that, too.

What has she done that's right?

[This message edited by Unhinged at 1:23 PM, May 8th (Monday)]

@sisoon

What keeps us together? Good question. For me, I do love her, meaning that I care about her. I don't think I'm in love with her in that I am so numb to it all that if we got divorced it wouldn't hurt anymore. I'm sort of indifferent. However, this is my second marriage and I have two kids with her. I don't want to destroy their perfect happy little lives. If I have to drag this (the way that I feel) out until they are off to college then I am willing to live with this.

My divorce from my first wife did an emotional number on my oldest son. He still lives with me and he is 24 and it hasn't been easy. I can't do that to my other kids.

I did make it clear that I am not willing to stick around if anything remotely inappropriate happens again. Even flirting would be grounds for me to walk out on the marriage.

For her, she says she loves me and loves our home and our family. I actually started to leave the house on Dday and she had a panic attack and begged me not to leave. She swears that she was in a bad state of mind and that she wouldn't allow herself to get to that bad place again. She was depressed for months after Dday and barely left the room or the bed. She's finally in a better place now.

@Taxi

I appreciate your passion, but the last thing on my mind is revenge. Even if I were to have a revenge affair it wouldn't remove my feelings of betrayal and it wouldn't heal all of the insecurities that I have from the A. Also, this might sound crazy but a revenge affair might only work to her benefit because she might look at it as being even now and remove some of her shame and guilt. Not that she has ever said that but it's my opinion that it would let her off of the hook easy. I want her to live with that shame and guilt so something like this doesn't ever cross her mind again.

@unhinged

Thank you for your response. Everything you said makes a lot of sense. What has she done right? When I say she's done things right I am referring to NC and not giving me a reason to think that anything else is going. She is being transparent.

Also, all of the family issues that led to her being in that bad state of mind are being dealt with. Before Dday she always claimed that she didn't instigate the problems with my family and that she wasn't going to appease me or give in or be pushed over by my family. She always claimed that I betrayed her and chose them over her. However, since Dday she has worked really hard to fix those problems. I'm not going to be naive and believe that she accepts any of the blame for those problems but she has at the very least made the effort to make those things better for me and for my peace of mind.

She also has tried to be the women that I met emotionally. She's always telling me how much she loves me and how sorry she is. She shows me the warmth that was there at the start of the relationship. She always says how she wishes she could go back and take it all (the A) back. She claims that her breakthrough was when I went to walk out on Dday. She says that from that point on, none of the other problems mattered anymore except fixing our marriage.

As far a doing the right thing repairing the damage and healing, you are right. She hasn't done much in that regard. It's too painful and too much work for her I guess. As you said she has swept it under the rug and chalked it up to being in a bad mental state at that time.

To be very honest, we went to marriage counseling together for a few months but then I switched jobs and the new insurance didn't cover counseling and the sessions were too expensive to dish out the money myself. We haven't seen a counselor in months.

The problem right now isn't her per say. The problem is that I don't return the warmth and the affection. I do sometimes but many times I'd rather just co-exist in the house with the kids. With that said I obviously don't want her with another man either. I fear that I will push her away from me eventually. And as I said, I think I'm prepared to move emotionally from her but I'm not ready to shatter my kids lives.

I just keep thinking that maybe I can get to that place that I used to be where I felt lucky to have her. That she was a blessing. She made really happy for 13 of our 17 years together. I just don't know if I will ever be able to feel that way about her again. This shit really sucks.

I understand your concern, Emasculated. My FWH had an LTA. (long term affair)

I guess what I want to know from some on here that have been through this is if the resentment ever goes away? Will I ever be able to look at her again and feel lucky to have her how I used to when we dated and were first married? Right now I look at her and only feel resentment, disappointment, and weakness.

Yes, I wondered if I would ever be able to feel the same about my FWH and the answer is a resounding "YES!". Now that didn't come without a lot of work, sweat and tears. It took hard work on both our parts to heal our hurts and pain. You are only 2 years post d-day. The second year seems to be harder than the first. Probably because now the show has worn off.

What exactly has your wife done? You said she has done everything right, what does that look like to you?

I am going to say this but keep in mind I had an instantly remorseful WH who was willing to do whatever it took to save our marriage. This included MC, reading books together and discussing, going to Retrouvaille. I had to ask myself if I wanted to be "right" or did I want to be "happy". Of course, you and I have every right to hold onto resentment for our WS's trips to FantasyLand.

I feel like if I forgive and love her the way that she wants me to that I am somehow affirming that it was OK and that it was a "mistake".

Well, that is just not true. Logically you must know that. I was right and he was wrong. He admits that. He admits I didn't deserve any of the pain he caused me. I had a choice. Accept that the LTA was the past. I needed to live in the present. Was he being the best man he could be NOW? Yes. Did I love him? Yes.I needed to live in the present and enjoy the present. Not dwell in the past, not worry about the future. Live in the present.

Thanks for your post @ sistermilkshake. I am glad that you were able to find the peace and happiness that has eluded me thus far.

I understand when you say the past is in the past and you can't worry about the future. I'm not so worried about the future as far as her having another A. She's never demonstrated to be a serial cheater. This is the first and only time for her. We had a very open and honest relationship and we told each other everything about our past relationships. She knows the worst of what I have done in my life and I knew all of her dirty laundry as well. I mean this is my second marriage after all. Maybe I'm being naive but that's just how I feel.

I'm more concerned about me being able to overcome the blow to my ego. I am not a women so I am not going to sit here and say that it hurts a man's pride more than it does a women's. I just can't think from a women's perspective because I am a man.

That's why my handle is "Emasculated". I just feel like another man got the better of me and she allowed him to do that. I feel like less of a man.

She says that for her it was never about the sex. It was just an escape from her miserable reality. She swears that what kept her there was the online chat's and text messages. The flirting and all of the feel good stuff that comes from that just made her feel better about her day and not focus on her troubles. She eventually caved on the lunch dates because she was afraid to lose the emotional part of the A.

However, even though she claims it was an emotional thing for her, the PA is what has haunted me. Don't get me wrong, I care about the EA but I think I would be able to heal much quicker if there never would have been a PA.

I now have to wonder how it happened, what they did, and how many times they did it. The mental pictures are horrific in my minds eye.

I have to wonder if she actually enjoyed the PA or just went along with it to not lose the EA. I have to wonder how I measure up against some miserable prick that should have never been in my life in the first place. I have to wonder if they used a condom and if there is any chance that she might have contracted an STD. I've even had to wonder about about penis size. That's just shit that I never thought I would have to deal with and shit that I don't deserve to deal with.

Sure, she's answered all of my questions, but how can you take the word of a cheater? I have no idea if she is telling me the truth or just what I want to hear.

I just feel like my manhood has been stripped away and that the person that I love and trusted the most allowed it to happen to me. She put me in this vulnerable position to be crushed like that.

Again, I want to reiterate that in no way do I feel it's worse for a man or that an A doesn't strip a women of her women hood. I just can't relate to the pain and insecurity this has caused me from a women's perspective.

I can imagine however that the pain from Dday is the same for both genders. I can also imagine that the hurt and the insecurities from the betrayal are the same as well. At the end of the day whether male or female we are all human.

My point is that if I can't feel like a man to my wife, how am I supposed to be a loving and trusting husband? How can I forgive and not resent when for the first time in my life I feel weak and emasculated?

Emasculation has be one of the worst unintended gifts that keep giving. Its a mindjob. What the hell did this (or these) om have over me that kept her going back? That really is the 64 thousand dollar question. In my own case i had to know everything. Knowing or not, which is better? Who's to say? If you dont know, your mind fills in the gaps. If you do know, you never really know everything and your mind still fills in the gaps. But you do have a better, more accurate picture of what occurred (assuming you're getting the truth).

Im roughly a year and a half out. She had 4 A's over the long haul. I knew of only the last one, but suspected more, for the first 4 months after dday. Its the last one that really shredded my balls. I questioned everything i did or could do. The physical end of it fucked me up. What was freely done and given to him that had been denied and unconscionable to me for years. I guess guys who bust their ass for thier families are a dime a dozen and can be treated as the disposable plebians they truely are. She had her toy at work and brought home the "residue" to me. Still fuming over that shit.

I stand over 6 ft, and over 200lbs. Ive eked out a living hooking poles and wearing green then blue uniforms. Im not the biggest guy out there, far from it. But the only occasion i happened to run across the last om, he high tailed it to the shitter before i recognized who he was. That said, yeah this shit brought me to my knees. Theres no way it cant.

As far as the ball shredded feeling, that does take some honest self assesment. Whats real and whats imposed? What do you want the ability to do? What are you willing to do? What do you want from your fww? I never took it seriously until recently about doing something for yourself. Working out does wonders. Hell get a used weight set if you have to. It helps.

The fact the my fww chose to be om's cumdumpster for nearly a year is not a reflection on me. Thats on her. She owns that. Work on yourself. Self assesment, real, true, honest assesment. If you see something you dont like, fix it. Your not in the grave yet

You went through a lot of emotional abuse before you knew about the A. That in and of itself is trauma. So you're kinda suffering from PTSD...and those walls are UP...for good reason.

This is the first and only time for her.

One time is too much. It hurt you to the core.

I'm more concerned about me being able to overcome the blow to my ego

Again, you've been traumatized. It takes time. BUT...BOTH the BS and WS have to be invested in healing the M. No rugsweeping.

As far a doing the right thing repairing the damage and healing, you are right. She hasn't done much in that regard. It's too painful and too much work for her I guess. As you said she has swept it under the rug and chalked it up to being in a bad mental state at that time.

Unfreakingacceptable. Too painful for HER? What about you, Emasculated?

I now have to wonder how it happened, what they did, and how many times they did it. The mental pictures are horrific in my minds eye.

Have you asked her? Do you WANT to know?

The problem is that I don't return the warmth and the affection. I do sometimes but many times I'd rather just co-exist in the house with the kids. With that said I obviously don't want her with another man either. I fear that I will push her away from me eventually. And as I said, I think I'm prepared to move emotionally from her but I'm not ready to shatter my kids lives.

Sometimes an A is a dealbreaker in a M. I know you're afraid for your children should you decide to D her, but it's better for children to live with two healthy parents who live apart than two unhealthy, unhappy parents to live together for the sake of the kids. Of course, you've been though this before and this is just my humble opinion.

The problem that I see is that your WW wants to rugsweep. She's hiding in her shell. She's being super nice now after emotionally abusing you terribly, even before the A. She needs IC to figure this out. It WILL resurface. Right now there's just a Band-Aid on the wound. I feel she is afraid of losing her family life right now - be it financial, or just the general security of a family unit. She needs help - and you alone cannot fix her. I know funds are limited, but there are resources out there. Something is very broken in your WW and I fear that if you rugsweep, over time, not only will your resentment and anger grow worse, but she will likely stray again because of whatever is broken in her.

Sending strength...keep posting....

Lala

Forgot to add:

I have to wonder if they used a condom and if there is any chance that she might have contracted an STD.

No you don't. Get tested. Both of you. ASAP.

How can I forgive and not resent when for the first time in my life I feel weak and emasculated?

Forgiveness is earned. It takes 2-5 years to heal - again, IF the WS moves heaven and earth to help YOU heal.

Have you considered telling her to take a polygraph?

Do you consider me and the other men here as less of a man? You an be direct, I can take it.

In my opinion you are comparing yourself to others outside of you that could change at any time. What if your wife cheats again? What if she calls you humiliating names? You are the same no matter what she says. Her actions and words do not alter your manhood.

I understand. But I think you have to reconsider your outlook.

Can people make bad decisions, and can they get a second chance? You know they could, but sometimes not with the ones who were victimized. It's a different thing to forgive someone who carelessly ran over your neigbor's cat, and is sorry and make amends, and a different story if it was your cat.

Were you in love with your wife before she chested, when you were not getting along? Do you think feelings can change whether or not there was infidelity, or whether other "mistakes" in marriage can cause changes in feelings?

You can say "if" I had no kids, I would do this or not that, but that is meaningless, fact is, you do have kids. Maybe you should go and maybe you should stay. That's your life and you must do what's best. Your kids are part of that equation in all your decisions, including this one. Consider is modeling a loveless marriage better for them than divorce, or can there be love again in this marriage?

What is best for you overall, with all things considered?

If staying is best, do you think you should make the best of it and try to be happy and in love?

Some random thoughts ...

If your relationship with your W is tense, your kids will pick it up (have picked it up already) and sustain some damage from the tension. That's why some people say it's better to be from a broken home than in one. Maybe that applies to your sitch; maybe not.

Some people think R requires somehow liking the fact that they were cheated on. Believe me, that is not the case for at least some (and probably all) of us who are in R. I love my W; we've R'ed; I accept that she cheated; I hate the fact that she cheated.

There's a 'betrayed men' thread in the 'I Can Relate' forum (actually, a whole of them - they fill up, and the mods create a new one every so often). I suggest checking it out. I disagree with a lot that's posted in it, but there's a lot of great stuff there.

That's why my handle is "Emasculated". I just feel like another man got the better of me and she allowed him to do that. I feel like less of a man.

I think it's true that everybody's WS cheated for her own reasons, not because of anything the BS did or didn't do.

I think it's true, in the vast majority of cases, that WSes ignore all thoughts and feelings about their BSes.

I think it's true, in the vast majority of cases, that there is no competition in the WS's mind between the ap and the BS.

We no longer own our wives. They own themselves. Your W certainly promised fidelity (I assume) and therefore owed it to you, and didn't meet her responsibilities, but that's on her. IOW, the ap got over on your W, not on you. And since we don;t own our wives, he took nothing that actually belonged to you.

Emasculation is a type of shame. I would bet that all BSes feel shame, and I would bet that surviving infidelity emotionally requires resolving the shame - letting it go. Letting the shame go doesn't seem to be easy for any of us, but it's something we have to do to heal. That's certainly a generalization, but, I think, not an over-generalization.

Gently, you weren't really emasculated. You can still almost definitely function with someone, if not with your W, even if it takes a while to get over the shock of being betrayed. And if by 'emascualtion' you mean you lost power, you've already made some decisions and taken real steps to stay with your kids, even though that means staying with your W, too. That could be the actions of a weak man, but they don't sound like it in your case.

So, I'm concerned about your choice of SI name. I believe you have a lot more power than you realize you have, and you need to use that power to heal.

I'm also concerned about your use of the term 'resentment'.

Resentment IMO is largely impotent. It's anger that's afraid to show itself. Anger, IMO, is potent. Again, I think you have more power than you realize.

If you can't find and use your power to heal on your own, a good IC can help. Have you considered IC?

As far a doing the right thing repairing the damage and healing, you are right. She hasn't done much in that regard. It's too painful and too much work for her I guess. As you said she has swept it under the rug and chalked it up to being in a bad mental state at that time.

Mr. E, I've got to tell you brother, that this right here is most likely why you'll never feel that lucky, loving feeling again. And why would you? I wouldn't. I sure as shit didn't feel lucky at all when I found out my wife was a lying, cheating, manipulative, blame-shifting, insensitive asshole, who refused to take responsibility for her own shit and deal with it.

This cannot be rug swept.

Until your WW can put on her "big girl panties" and take responsibility for herself and her own issues, she'll never be a safe partner for you, or anyone else.

Too painful? Too much work? Chalking it up to a bad mental state? That's it? That's all she's got? I don't wanna?

So, she does everything (else) right and "love bombs" the hell out of you. And that works? That's all she has to do, be the "good little wife" and everything will be okay, no need address the deeply powerful issues that allowed her to do something so incredibly base and self-destructive, to betray herself, her vows, her husband, her family, her honor, integrity and self-worth?

I understand your frustration. I'd say it's high time give your WW a kick in the pants and let her know that this is where life starts to get real.

The biggest reason I consider my FWW and I reconciled today is because she has done, and continues to do, "the work." That means she's taken 100% responsibility for her affair, for her issues and her choices. She was in therapy for well over a year. I've seen the changes. I've felt her remorse. I know and understand, as well as I possibly can, why she did what she did and how she crossed that line (still doesn't make me feel any better about it, but it does help me believe the future will be different).

I now have to wonder...

About quite a lot, it seems. Are these question she refuses to answer or ones you're afraid to ask? Or both?

So, your WW is unremorseful, she's unwilling to take responsibility for herself and her life, you feel stuck, because you don't want to blow-up your kids' lives, and you think the OM has pulled one over on you. I can understand why you feel emasculated.

I just feel like my manhood has been stripped away and that the person that I love and trusted the most allowed it to happen to me. She put me in this vulnerable position to be crushed like that.

Here the thing, though. Your WW can't take away your manhood. Sure, it may feel like it, but you're still a man. You're also a man in an untenable situation, and that's just flat-out deflating. You don't want a divorce, because you feel that would be a disservice to your kids. You're certainly not alone in that regard. You love your wife, but the woman you thought you were married to isn't the wife you're currently with. It's devastating. I know. We all do.

It's up to you, brother, to accept your WW's rug-sweeping. I don't think you'll get much support or guidance from anyone here on how to do that. We don't like rugs around here.

If you want my advice, tell your WW that can either make an appointment with an IC or a divorce lawyer. It's what I did.

By the way, is the OM married?

[This message edited by Unhinged at 2:47 PM, May 9th (Tuesday)]

Picking on the excellent advice given already. . .

You have a lot of power in your M right now. Your W is still M and has her family because of you. She knows it. Sometimes you have to leverage that power to lead the family away from were it is at today. If she wanted a D you'd have been D already.

Right now all roads lead to your W. Walking on eggshells hoping that the elephant in room won't make a noise. She hopes it will go away as long as plays nice. Likely she doesn't know what to do. How to help your spouse heal is a great book. You both need to read it and live it.

She doesn't want to admit it, but she already lost her M. She threw it away. You were in the same miserable M, but you did not cheat. What did she make that choice ? A bad mental state is a detail, but not the real reason. She has issues and insecurities that she has to face. She is afraid of finding out this was all her fault. She is suspending disbelief in her own short comings. She has to admit them, face them and work to conquer them.

You don't want a D. She doesn't want a D. Stalemate. Status quo isn't working for you.

Not Ding is not the same as healing. It is a life marred by impermanence. You don't see a future with your W, but you don't want to hurt your kids.

To me it sounds you have a M on life support based on fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of your kids being damaged. Fear of change. Familiar seems safe, but familiar got you to point in your life that you are now posting on SI.

Have a heart to heart with your W. Let out how she has made you feel and that you don't see the M surviving unless something dramatically happens.

She is still the woman that cheated on you. Until you can see the woman who cheated on you, is remorseful about it, and is working her tail off to be the wife you deserve you won't be able to see her as anything, but a cheater.

Repeated for emphasis. These both are a good first step into getting yourself back.

If you want my advice, tell your WW that can either make an appointment with an IC or a divorce lawyer. It's what I did.

By the way, is the OM married?

My ego was severely wounded after dday. It was not until I realized I was never going to give anyone that much control over my self worth again.

My A is something she will never be free from. There are no good reasons to have an A. She knows that. She is doing mental jumping jacks to try and convince herself that she just made a mistake and had a bad mental health, blah, blah, blah.

She did it because she wanted to. She knew it was wrong. She knew it would hurt you. She knew it would hurt the kids. Whatever she though she had to gain was more important than all of that.

OM just had to tell her what she wanted to hear. He never really cared. He pretended to, but he just wanted some NSA sex without having to pay for it. That is not a man.

It is time for a come to Jesus moment with your W. She can be the woman you feel lucky to be with, but this time she has to earn it. It no longer comes freely and without conditions.