SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This whole posting things feels so narcissistic to me. I think, I feel, I did, I do, I learned, I changed, I behaved, I behave, me, me, me.I I I. My perspective, my opinion. Isn't this self- interest and self focus what got me in this mess in the first place? And what am I really posting for? Validation? Do I want to change or do I want everyone else to change?

And the opposite perspective isn't any better- An external locus of control- like my FOO is to blame, or my spouse, or the devil made me do it or my mental illness, lapse of sanity, you pick your poison. The resulting questions are the same- if YOU are bad and evil and did it all in your own, then how will you not do it again? Or if you blame outside forces, how will you not do it again if the same circumstances arise? Or why did the same things not cause someone else to cheat?

Blah. Blah. Blah. Me. Me. Me. I think. I feel. I post.

i understand where you are coming from with this - and sometimes i wonder about the intent in posting, a whole lot of woe is me rather than something healthy.

But how about you start reading, i rarely post, mainly read and then talk about stuff with husband or reflect on something that strikes me.

if there is something you want to ask or a thought you want some feedback on then you can post....

otherwise it can be 'i'm a terrible awful person, tell me what to do' sort of things, which to my mind just feeds our self centredness further.

Apologies to others who don't use it this way....just my thoughts....

just wanted to add that i am only referring to posting in the wayward section not the others....

Hi Mary. I've been on this site for nearly 3 years. My wife has never posted although she knows my SI name and reads my posts. I wish she had the courage to post.

BS's get a lot from ws posts. Your contributions mean something to complete strangers. Please feel free to let it out there. Even if u feel selfish. It's part of healing.

Or if you blame outside forces

Forget the outside forces, and think of how you would answer the following based on your own beliefs...

Do you you believe cheating is acceptable under certain circumstances, or is cheating always wrong?

If you believe cheating is acceptable under certain circumstances, then it is possible you may cheat again if you do nothing about it. Try examining the circumstances that originally led you to stray, or could cause you to stray again. Try asking yourself what you could have done differently if faced again with a similar negative situation. First clue, when you start blaming others for your own negative thoughts or feelings you are heading down the wrong path. Come to grips with that and you will be well on your way to understanding what caused you to cheat.

BS's get a lot from ws posts. Your contributions mean something to complete strangers. Please feel free to let it out there. Even if u feel selfish. It's part of healing.

Couldn't have said it better. Thissux nailed it!

[This message edited by Wool94 at 8:10 AM, June 7th (Wednesday)]

I get what you are saying, to a point.

Nothing is quite so effective as telling your story as you feel it is. It gives others the opportunity to point out where your thinking/belief system strays off path. Is it necessary? Maybe not, but it's sure helpful.

There's a difference too, a huge one between omg wtf am I doing and well if my BS were a better partner I wouldn't have strayed.

The anonymous nature of SI gives you are great opportunity to just put it all literally out there. Even if you go to MC would you feel brave and free enough to really put it out there in it's whole deal in front of your BS (who would be devastated to hear the full truth).

Yes, it can seem narcissistic, but it's what you do with what you get back that matters.

There is a fine line between being introspective and being selfish.

Reminds me of the joke about comedy and pornography: I have a hard time defining it, but I know it when I see it.

My criteria for defining it may be different than yours, or anyone else's.

I think it's a good thing that you're asking these questions of yourself. Digging into your motivations.

Introspection is extremely important for recovery and health in the long run.

And just by asking the questions you're asking, you're firming down your own criteria for a definition of the difference between being introspective and being selfish.

Dear Harden my heart,

Your post made me sick, because it was the exact opposite of what I was trying to communicate. The first half of my post was saying that if i say that my cheating was entirely because of me, that I made a bad decision, I have evil inside of me, it was MY decision, I did that (and OWN it), then it leaves me with the question, that couldn't I cheat again?? And my other half of my post, if i blame someone/something (like my mom being so critical of me, my dad's drinking, my post-partum depression, BS rejection of me, new job, etc.) then, does that mean that if those circumstances arise again or similar circumstances, I will cheat?? And why did others in the same/ similar circumstances not cheat??

And if I blame or list contributing factors to my behavior, then I am not owning what i did, but being defensive and blaming is what my BS says.

So,if it's a combination of factors, am I left with a formula of 75% free well and 25% other factors that led to my horrific behavior? IT's all disgusting to me. So your questions, if I believe that it is or ever acceptable to cheat, is the exact opposite of what I am trying to say: THAT NO! Of Course not! Not ever! No matter what! Ever! And yet i did it! Its unexplainable, unjustifiable, unrationale, and yet I explained, justified and rationalized.

I remember that I had lunch with my AP because I had known him for 10 years in multiple circumstances, because his company was paying for it so it was free and i told my BS that I was going (rationalizations). And those continued: As long as i just talk about work, as long as I keep telling my husband we had lunch, as long as i didn't talk to him outside of work, as long as i don't talk to him while I am at home with my family (but then talking while taking the dog on a walk was ok.)And then it was ok to give a hug as long as it was a side hug. Then when I had the rush and thrill of attraction from a full hug, I started justifying: What is wrong with me? I must not be happy in my marriage? Why can't I say no? Why does his attention/texts/visits make me feel so good? Why do I like him? Do I want to be with him? And the justifying and blaming begins. SO, I'm not sure that any amount of "insight" or "introspection" in my 2x monthly counseling really helps me stop blaming if blaming is what led to my behavior : "Whoa is me. I am so unloved. I am so powerless. My BS doesn't love me. My mommy doesn't love me." Blah. Blah. Blah. I'm not sure more self-focus isn't my problem in the first place and I'm not sure any amount of understanding/insight/introspection will led me to less selfishness and less blaming which is again, what i did in the first place.

And I don't think I blame others for my negative thoughts or feelings about myself or them, in as much that our feelings can be a warning sign and that we should tell others when they hurt us and share less time or emotional information with them. But also, that it's my responsibility to have good boundaries with others for myself, so that I am healing my hurt and anger and taking care of myself so that I can be ok no matter what others say or do to me. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts.

smokenfire,

I don't know if telling my story is helpful. If it's helpful to someone else I guess it is worth it. I'm just not sure about what i am doing in posting. I posted because my betrayed spouse told me to. Was I terrified? yes. Bc I read posts from the BS side and i hear "crucify" "crucify!!"And I don't know who is responding and from what place they are responding from (out of their hurt and anger?). So, I just weigh advice...based on my "good judgement"?

I constantly felt in my A "WTF" am I doing. And if i got upset enough, i would justify, well, I guess my BS doesn't "love" me enough or isn't a good enough partner. So there was both. And so, I know that the rationalization wasn't true, and wasn't well, rational or true. It was me, making myself feel better. Which is selfish, like I always am (according to my BS) and leaves me back with sick and annoying old me.

SI isn't anonymous to me, as my BS reads my posts. I don't know his user name. This is what he wants. He doesn't want MC. So I don't even really know if I "put it all out there". As I know everything will be judged and scrutinized. Not to judge or praise my progress, but to see my repentance and my accepting of blame.

I mostly feel sad when i read other people's responses. And spend a lot of time thinking in my head of things to say. I don't know how much time is healthy or productive to be on this website.

I'm glad it's helpful to others.

And if it is helpful to me, maybe I will be able to experience that someday.

Dear frostedsoul,

I guess i just think introspection can lead to self-pity. Or least it does for me. And I don't know how to look inwards just enough to have it not be too much.

Sometimes I am oblivious to myself and am thinking of ways to give others attention (something I decided to do after IC- as I am wanting attention from others, so instead, I can find anonymous ways to give others attention. i.e. one of my D friend's mom was talking about herself and said, "mom fail!" so, i sent her flowers from Jesus telling her she was a GOOD mom.- And THAT makes me happy and excited and I am planning and looking for more things to do. ) BUT sometimes I feel like I wish i was Catholic and could go to confession 6x a day. ("I was so judgmental of co-worker...I am always trying to get things done and feel frustrated when i don't-my BS says I am too performance based....I didn't even listen to her when she was talking....I talked too long about my day...Was I just trying to sound good to someone else, when I was talking to them??" etc.)

And i just wish I could be a totally different person- which is what he said that he wants. And the sad thing is, or what I think is sad, is that when i feel like i have progress, he says he "doesn't care" about that but does care about my failures. For example, I told him that a male co-worker had texted me about an appt that we were both supposed to be present for but had the date mixed up. He texted me that "I'm sorry I missed you. Wish i could have gotten to see you. Haven't seen you since, blank." my initial gut reaction is, "You too!" But I stop myself. NO. This is a male. And I deliberately type. "No. You just need to be working." And my BS says, I don't care about that. So, i tell him a time I failed. I was with a new client and her brother i guess made a face or look or something and she said to him, "No, she's (talking about me) married." And I didn't say anything. And my BS was mad about this. "Why didn't you say anything??" I say, I didn't know what to say. So the next time I see them, I do say something. Put him on the spot in front of everyone. "I am married. And I am not interested in anything else except my job." But that doesn't matter.

Or when my BS asked me to get rid of the clothes from the day of sleeping with my AP. I did. And then I decided to get rid of any of my clothes that the man I had kissed had seen me in either. And then, i felt God randomly put a thought in my head, that I wasn't really getting rid of the "high places"- on Old testament reference to the Isrealites not removing all of the idols from the people of the lands that they had now occupied. I knew what that meant. I had gotten rid of all of my clothes, except for my red sweater. In my mind, because it had reminded me of my BS's grandmother as I bought it for her for Christmas but she died before I could give it to her. But my AP had said I looked nice in it. And I kept it.So, I got rid of it. And my BS said it didn't matter. He didn't care. And I can name other examples of this as well.- Like me calling him to tell him that I had to delete some text messages because my phone was full and it wouldn't let me send another text. And i told him i deleted the first two people in my messages list and that was all. Then, I realized i had said all, and then i said, except for my friend that I had deleted a few months ago (since D day)who had called him a jacka** and I didn't want to upset him. So, I deleted it. Then he says, "Except for the messages from your AP." And I just don't say anything. Because its his present, his current today, is right now, in my A. It's like PTSD. So, it doesn't matter if I have done differently since then. It's all the same day to him.

So, it doesn't matter if other people on here think I am making progress or not or if my BS thinks I am making progress or am a different person. (I have to do it- the steps or the progress for me.) I don't think I will ever be different enough or repentant enough (while, at the same time not performing so much or trying so much). But i am still trying to "do the right thing" and post. Because it's what he wants me to do. I am not convinced it "helps" but I probably don't need to know if it does. lol. Bc that's just making it about me doing right, and I don't do anything right and I am always selfish, according to my BS. So, this again, to me, is selfish.

I posted because my betrayed spouse told me to.

Omg, then quit posting. Your BS doesn't own your recovery, you do. Stand on your own two feet and make your own choices.

Dear Friend,

Thank you for sharing. Your concerns are valid. They are also ours. We are the best things we have. Our best tool is our freedom to choose that we are not anymore what causes suffering to ourselves and others. I hope you find the good nature you already have and live it fully. The road to this life is difficult. I hope and pray that you recover your self-worth. Thank you.