SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First off, a vendor shouldn't be contacting her privately through SnapChat. Super inappropriate professionally. Second off, I don't know many guys who message women through SnapChat just to be friends. And I suspect it's not all chats. Your wife is a serial cheater who had an 8-year-long affair. She should be doing anything and everything she can to help you heal and instead she's acting like you should trust her by now when even if she had been a model WS, she hasn't been honest for 1/8 of the time she was dishonest; and that doesn't include her ONS in 2005. She doesn't get it.

ugh...my heart goes out to you because to me it appears like all you had was a false-R and some hyper-bonding thrown in

narc abuse has a cycle like that = love-bombing to dull your vigilance and then... the discard

don't be like charlie brown trusting "this time" lucy will hold that football, IMO

I get it, you want those rose-colored glasses

you want to put her back on the pedestal

you want to vindicate that you are still hanging onto your "prize"

but that disrespectful behavior you just wrote about is showing your WW is still a lying, un-remorseful, serial cheater

did you ever get that polygraph?

did you DNA test your kids?

you have enough confirmation that once again you have a boundary cross where she clearly by her behavior says she "doesn't give a shit"

She knows it is wrong, she knows it hurts you and she doesn't care = she's again in self-protection mode

think about that

that ain't mother of the year material man, you want your boys to be around that kind of selfish? What happened to you don't want to share her?

Did you ever get a final body - count?

Did you get STD tested?

you know there's a saying

fool me once versus "fool me" twice since really at this point you are deluding yourself with that whole flowery paragraph at the beginning to get to questioning about whether a serial cheater gets to call you out for not trusting what has clearly shown to continue to be untrustworthy

please tell me you are hefty bagging her shit

so sorry, man, but she is proving what you wrote almost a year ago about a leopard not changing spots

cheated with you will cheat on you when they choose not to fix themselves

and you are wise to realize you cannot control her, nor do you want to control anything other than a blind rage response

Did you all discuss what was acceptable in regards to workplace conversations before this incident? Did you lay out consequences?

You have confronted her. I hope you respond to her question that she gets your trust when she can demonstrate she empathizes with the pain of her betrayal to where she recognizes the inappropriateness of this vendor-chat and goes NC. It is not "innocent". That comment dismisses your valid concerns that "here she goes again" and her inability to connect those dots is very concerning because it makes one question if she is a sociopath

her ego-centrism is a tell, bro, you ain't dealing with a partner that really gets it...

so sorry

peace as you process

You can enforce all the boundaries you want..but how exactly do you do that, take away her phone?

She is used to cheating. It made her feel a certain way.

Agreed. Your boundaries make absolutely no difference to a serial cheater.

This woman had an 8 YEAR AFFAIR. She had a ONS (and probably a lot more you don't even know about).

Here she is yet again, doing what she does best.

This vendor isn't your problem. There's always going to be someone when you're with a serial cheater.

Always.

Hurt,

I looked over your first thread a year ago. When you stopped posting it seemed that you were going to take action.

Unfortunately we are missing a history of what has happened since then.

So what happened since then and now? This info will help us to make a better judgement of just what was going on.

As others have asked did you do the things you said you were going to do?

My gut says that she hid her activities deeper and this is just the opening to a deeper rabbit hole. Rarely do unremorseful waywards ever admit to anything that the BS can't prove.

Sorry that you have to find yourself back here.

You're getting good advice so far. For her to having any type of relationship with someone of the opposite sex is inappropriate imo. She has shown that she has terrible boundaries . Keeping it a secret from you is very telling . She knew it was stepping over the boundary . She should be bending over backwards to rebuild trust and make you feel safe, instead she hides it then is worried about you spying on her?

The others are right, you can't be the boundary police. Either she gets it or she doesn't. At this time she is not a candidate for R . Her unwillingness to want to go to counseling tells it all. She is still very selfish and defiant .

You can enforce all the boundaries you want..but how exactly do you do that, take away her phone?

She is used to cheating. It made her feel a certain way.

Time to treat her like an adult not a petulant child.

You can create boundaries. You can check up on her. But if you have to police her for the rest of the relationship, it's not a real relationship. You shouldn't even have to be explaining to her that snapchat is a "no no" at this point. It's pretty obvious.

You shouldn't have to be explaining that a personal relationship with a business associate is inappropriate.

She isn't trying to be a safer partner for you. At this point, she just doesn't care enough. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you have to police her all the time?

I am sorry to say, I don't feel that you are in real R.

do you know for sure that this is a vendor and that you have not caught on to either the preexisting A that she has taken underground or to a new A?

my BS and I just now got snapchat 4 years into R, and we have an agreement, it's the same agreement we have with text, nothing gets deleted until I see it. now with snapchat the pictures are of course gone, but we both do not delete the log of who we have been snapping until the other has seen who we have been talking to. the fact that you don't seem to have been able to read the text with the vendor concerns me and send out red flags, why is she deleting text with a male? at minimum that shouts poor boundaries to me, at max is shouts A to me (either continued or new)

She pisses on you for 8 years. Your supposed to trust her after one?

Hell to the naw!

fWW here. This is not acceptable and screams that she is still cheating. After DD1 I kept on going on and off for another three years. It wasn't until DD2 that I pulled my head out of my ass and truly worked on reconciliation. We are five years out from DD2 and are doing great. However, during that time period I limited my FB use. I never had instagram, twitter, or snap chat. I used FB sparingly for fundraising for a charity. You are roughly a year out and she is accusing you of spying and wondering when you will trust her....just no. Tell her to stop being a lying asshole and show you she can be safe.

The first two-three years for me was all about making my fBS feel safe. Even now I am always aware of how my actions may impact him. Our 10yr old wants snapchat on my phone and I refused. I will not have it as it is just one more tool for affairs.

About a year ago I had a conversation with a male neighbor who is our age. I chatted with him about the community for a few minutes and left. I panicked as it was the first time I was alone with another man since DD. I immediately called my husband and told him what happened as I was so worried he would misinterpret our conversation. That is being a safe partner.

She is nowhere near ready to reconcile and work on your marriage. She needs to snap out of it.

if it was innocent business dealings you would use a msg app that would keep the conversations for future reference not snap chat

As OuttaCoffee stated at the beginning:

As a friend of mine said recently (doesn't know about the a's), snapchat is nothing but a whore's texting app. If you want you want to text, then text. It leaves a trail.

I think that pretty much covers it.

If she gets mad that you are verifying her activities, you are NOT in R and she is not interested in what is required of a successful R. If you have to get the bully police to make her conform to boundaries, it is only a matter of a short time until her devotion to self will once again hit you like a sledgehammer.

The red flags are at full mast. Heed the warning.