SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You're handling things great. I just wanted to give you some input on the in-laws situation. Blood is thicker than water. Full stop.

I had a similar experience and see where this is headed. I was the dream SIL. Nice Jewish boy every girl's Jewish parents' dream of. Lawyer. Making lots of money. Takes great care of their daughter. Loyal. Faithful. Great dad (don't panic - it's ok to brag here at SI - it's anonymous!).

But I'll tell you what - when it hit the fan and they found out I was filing for D because their DD had 2 A's, I became persona non grata. I didn't have SI back then so stupidly I didn't tell them the full truth - that it was dozens of A's, not just 2, that she stole money from me and our children, that she knowingly exposed me to HPV, that some of the AP's were husbands of her friends, etc. not that it would have mattered but man do I wish I had told them everything at the time. Instead, today 3 plus years later my xMIL still doesn't know the full truth which is super annoying (my xFIL passed away last year).

If I were you, I would consider writing them a letter exposing everything. You can tell them so they understand you have no choice but to D. And you can say that you would like to always remain on good terms, particularly for the sake of your boys and to foster their relationship with them.

My xMIL made a huge mistake. My 16 year old DS now knows the truth about his mother (not all the details but the general parameters) and knows his mother is a nutjob. The result is he now lives with me full time. Since my xMIL wrote me off and we don't speak anymore it's severely impacted her ability to see her grandchild. He's not old enough to drive, frankly doesn't want to see her so much anyway given how she's treated me and she's not able to comfortably drive the 45 minutes to see him here anyway. All of this could have been avoided if she had simply continued to treat me the same way and accepted that I was just the innocent victim of her daughter's misconduct. But ... blood is thicker than water. Every time.

xXT

FWIW I wanted to give some perspective on the IL situation.

I have been in a similar situation with a SIL's divorce.

Your ILs may think their daughter is crazy for what she has done. They may also feel awful that they are going to lose you as a SIL. If they are being true they might even admit they'd prefer to keep you in their lives instead of her.

But they know they can't do that. They are trapped by blood. And in the end when you leave, they will still have to face her and her crazy decisions. That will be so much harder for them to deal with if they've talked to you behind her back.

They probably are having off line convos with her telling her that she's crazy for what she's doing. But unless she tells them, "I don't mind you talking to xXT, go ahead" they won't feel they can.

I'm not saying I agree with it. Just a different view on the situation.

Have you thought about mailing them a letter?

Take care.

Ha. Obviously Ponus and I had the same thought stream this morning.

Stevesn and Ponus -- brothers in Shit Sandwichville.

Amazing how these things (nearly) always follow the same script...

Yeah mailing them a letter at some point will probably be the best option. When will that be appropriate? I'm not exactly sure. My BIL just told me yesterday that after I left the ILs last Sunday, and my boys stayed until Tues, my MIL and WW ganged up on my BIL saying they don't like BIL spending so much time with me, talking to me ect. My MIL said " it's not fair to do that with all that your sister (WW) is going through." What's she's going through??? F-Ing really? Smmfh, how about what I'm (BS) is going through? Good lord. I mean it really makes me wonder what WW told my ILs. Sounds like it's complete lies or something that makes her look like the victim. My BIL knows the whole truth though, and we have always been like brothers, so obviously he's not cutting me off like they want cuz he knows I did nothing wrong. At the same time he's not standing up to tell them the truth either, so it's a tough situation.

I'm out of town this weekend. Went to visit my best friend in Chicago for a couple days to take a break from the craziness. The sadness and despair over the situation follows me regardless though. Trying to enjoy myself but it's not easy. I guess only 3 months since D-day for me and it's gonna be a long road. It's also hard being away from my sons. Almost feel guilty for leaving them w WW at the ILs this weekend instead of me being at home with them. Uuuuugggghh I hate this process.

Also interesting and troubling note this week. WW was kind of hesitant to pay the nanny, which has always been her normal bill that she handles. Then said since she's paying that she wanted me to give her $200 to get her hair done lol. This B is crazy. WW says we're gonna need to start splitting that child care cost so she can afford to get a new place and pay rent lol. Like that's my problem. Things I guess my lawyer needs to handle. I tried to have a conversation with her, which is almost impossible to do, regarding finances. WW refuses to face and talk about all the difficult things that a separation or divorce entail. 2 incomes supporting 1 household wecwere strong, 2 incomes supporting 2 households is literally financially impossible. The numbers have been crunched and it just isn't possible. I bring this to her attention and like a child she just refuses to acknowledge the facts. Saying well I just don't want to talk about this right now lol. Well when then woman? When? It's gotta be faced, you can't escape reality forever. I mean wtf. Anyway just frustrated right now. Wondering if you all can relate or have any insight. Trying to enjoy my mini vaca but it's tough w all this sht bouncing around in my head.

Ooook so I guess nobody has anything on the above post? Lol

Hi X....wanted to weigh in here for you. First, I am so sorry you're in this situation. Secondly, she should have considered this when she was shagging around.

I would tell her that since she doesn't want to discuss this now with you, she can work it out through the attorneys....this will cost money but I am assuming you have a no BS kind of attorney so they can hash this out....BTW, $200 for a haircut so she can look good for the POSOM? Is she kidding?????

Thanks KG. Yeah $200 so her and POSOM can have fun. Like I'm supposed to subsidize her continued A. Again no real proof that is the case but I think it's pretty safe to say.

And yes I need my attorney to handle this crap. My lawyer comes at no cost to me, she's free. It will cost my WE to get one though which is more money she doesn't have. She just lives in this fantasy world man where we are supposed to work together financially so she can have this break from me and our sons while she sets up a more comfortable situation her her and OM to continue their bullshit together. Forget that she's crazy. I have another appointment with my lawyer on Friday and hopefully she can give me some counsel on this impass that we seem to be at permanently. Divorce looks like my only real option w every single day that passes...at the very least though I need my attorney to get these financial concerns off of my plate cuz I'm dealing with too much already

That's great that you get free legal services. She is in outer space.

If she doesn't want to work with you let the lawyers handle it. Many do it that way.

X, one other note I would add would be for the MIL and FIL in that you tell them,

I would, for the sake of your grands, like for you to know the facts of this situation. I expect you to continue to support the WW as she will definitely need it but better to have the facts than from one person's perspective. Deliver the evidence and then tell them that you understand the Blood loyalty but the truth is always a better place from which to operate.

xX

All-in-all you are doing fine.

Want to offer you some pointers though…

First – Divorce (if this is going there…) isn’t an alternative form of marriage. It’s the formal termination of a relationship. You probably know someone that’s divorced. It’s not as if they are hanging around their exes or that they are such great friends with their exes. People move on and if there are no kids then usually there isn’t any need for future contact.

OF COURSE, it’s better if you and WW can be amicable. It’s better if you two can be friends. But it’s equally fine if there is no interaction other than is necessary to successfully co-parent. Don’t even TRY to change the relationship from husband and wife to friends. If you could do that then the marriage would still be intact. Focus on amicable co-parenting, if that leads to friendship then fine, but right now she’s an antagonist in a tough business contract – the divorce.

Divorce is way too often misunderstood. We have dozens of cases here on SI where people are “divorcing” and they are in an “in house separation” and yet they are all uptight about how their WS isn’t behaving like a spouse, unclear roles, unclear parenting, unclear division of labor and cost… Like I said: Divorce is not an alternative form of marriage.

I think wayward wives especially tend to expect their divorced husbands to stick around. They want to be “friends”. They want them to drop over on a Sunday morning to wash the car and mow the lawn. Maybe even say “hi” to ex-wife new man. Everyone friendly and nice. Reality… well… it’s different.

I think it’s important to grasp and welcome the finality of divorce. Go for it if you can accept that finality.

Part of that finality is that inevitably there will be some separation of friends and family. What your in-laws think of you and why they think you divorced… a total non-issue. Other than things involving your kid’s chances are you won’t be seeing them. It’s not as if you will be invited for Thanksgiving. After all – that would be awkward for your then ex-wife. And her eventual new man. And your eventual new girlfriend… Know any of your divorced friends that still goes to their former in-laws? It’s rare.

I suggested in my first post that you share with all stakeholders about the affair. That still holds. Talk to your in-laws about why your marriage is in this state. Do so in as respectful way as you can: “As you probably know there are serious issues in my marriage and I fear we are headed for divorce. I think we could recover from most of what’s been going wrong if we both made changes and put in the effort, but what I KNOW the marriage can’t do is survive while my wife is in an active physical affair with OM. If that affair was over and we would both commit to reconciliation this marriage might be saved. However – I am clearly aware that losing WW through divorce is a h@ll of a lot better than sharing her with another man”.

That’s it. No asking to take sides and no judging. Simply facts. What the recipient does with this info is totally not your issue.

Cut the drama.

This is a key issue.

Cut the drama!

Don’t enter conversations with WW about bills, costs and so on. That is all handled by your attorney. You create some formal settlement – even a temporary one – and stick to it.

Start detaching. Which one of you resides in the family home? Try to find ways to limit her access into your home.

Make her physically and clearly realize you are moving on.

Don’t tell her your plans. Even if you don’t have anything lined up then don’t allow her to catch you at home when she’s supposed to have the kids. At all times pretend like you are busy and moving on and having the time of your life.

Thanks Steve and KG. Great post Bigger, very helpful. I agree with your assessment and I'm going to implement those ideas. Talking with the attorney again tomorrow should be helpful to get a formal agreement in place. A legal separation that will allow for clear defined exsorctations financially, custody ect. This should hopefully give me some more clarity. I find myself waffling back and forth between going forward with Divorce and doing the separation first, at least for a month or two, before filing for D. I guess I'm just not emotionally ready to D, it's a huge decision that will impact so many lives and I think you have to be ALL IN with that kind of decision before making it. And I guess I'm just not there yet. 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months who knows. But I recognize the finality you're talking about and that's a part of why I'm not rushing my decision.

That seems reasonable as long as you don't get a few years down the line in separation limbo.

Yeah staying in limbo for any extended period of time is not acceptable. I've already been in limbo for 3 months basically and I'm not sure how much more I can stand before I'll have just had enough and say F this and file for D

How's it going xXT?

Ehhhh it's going ok I guess. WW is still gone. Conversations with my lawyer have me basically pointed me towards getting a legal separation prepared and going for what's called a limited divorce in MD. My lawyer basically said that it's best to try and work through this initial stage amicably and get the bestverms for me that we can get her to agree to...the separation agreement with basically be what will carry through into the divorce. Filing for an absolute divorce based on adultery is still an option but is fraught with difficulties per my attorney. Basically in that scenario the OM would be asked to testify to the adultery. He could testify or not, he's not compelled to do so. He could also lie obviously. My only other evidence are records of texts and phone records my WE had with his phone but he might not even have that phone any more obviously. I can also hire a PI to try and get photos that would be enough to prove adultery but according to my attorney the fault of adultery doesn't even carry the weight that it used to. In other words the juice might not even be worth the squeeze. Just because I file for absolute divorce on the grounds of adultery it doesn't guarantee anything in terms of custody, child support, ect. So my lawyer is saying it's best to try and work out what my side wants through an amicable separation agreement not then carry over to a divorce. In the meantime I'm documenting her behavior in a journal, saving texts, and keeping the boys with me at home as much as possible and documenting that on a calendar. So it's all kind of still going through the process I guess. I'm doing better though, feeling a little better, staying busy, taking care of the boys, myself and the house. Getting more detached for sure, coming to the realization that this thing is probably going to come to an end, and working towards acceptance of that..which is getting easier and easier because I just see my WW as a compete B and have basically no desire to be with her or around her.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. I'm sorry you've gotten to this point. She really has gone off the deep end.

Are you in IC for yourself? What about the boys. If not they could probably use some support there.

Good luck on the separation agreement.

Looking for IC for myself. It's difficult to find a good one that works with my insurance and I can't really afford to pay full price w the way things are right now. So that's a work in progress. My 2 yr old is fine, he has no clue really what's going on, lucky dog lol. But I'll revisit his status in a few months. My 7 yr old is definitely aware enough that it's effecting him. No signs outwardly yet but IC for him at some point will be a good thing. I wish my stupid WW would get IC so she could have somebody throw her selfishness back in her face. Help her deal with her myriad of issues...not for me other than her to get some damn perspective n make this transition easier. I don't want her back, n I don't even really want to think about being friends at all unless she gets that help. Either way I'm doing better n the boys are good so that's all I'm worried about right now. Just trying to get these finances worked out and that will be my last hurdle of worrying about anything related to this separation and eventual D

WW is still gone

I wish mine was...

She is still with us (and thinks that she has every right to be here, and that I'm the bad guy because I want D, etc etc). We even sleep in the same bed under double blanket. The only good thing is that I still don't feel anything towards her.