SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanx for all the input. I really DO apritiate all the help. Even some of the replies are off base. Mainly because i havent gotten all details of the story out here. I will try to explain.

Just to try to get the right info to you guys, the relationship is explained this way:

Its started by flirty snapchat messages. They saw eachother only at work so the only time they spent together was at the workplace (no overtimes or anything like that). They both work in a open office area. This i know for a fact (she rarely goes out).

So after teasing eachother for a year with sexy snaps, it escelated by them teasing eachother at work in a physical way. Touching, kissing, petting and eventually oral. They never went out for meets and hookups. And that the extent of it as i have been told. This information also checks out with information i gathered before exposing and talking with OMs wife.

I have asked then why she would have this affair. The answer with some quotes was this: "It was never planned. I just followed my impulse. I never planned to meet him or have sex with him. it just happened and I could not stop myself. It did not even occur at the time to stop. It was exiting and a turn-on that we could get caught. I dont love him, he`s not even good looking. It was purely for impulsive and exiting sex to keep things interesting at work. There were weeks and month when nothing happened. Expect for one time jogging every happened at work."

Its not her exact words but basically what she she told me. As to the time frame they sexted about a year, and the teasing/physical sex happended last year (about start 2016 to end of 2016). OM is also married and had a baby end of 2016. He also changed workplace and the socalled pysical affair ended but continued again on snapchat earlier this year when I caught them.

So that is in short terms "the story" i got from her.

- If i believe it? not sure..

- Do i think more happened? you bet. im counting on it.

- Do i Care? I have to be honest here. I do not care. BUT.. there are some moments when i do.

I may be giving alot of people here an impression that my head is in the clouds. Believe me its not. Im more concerned of what drove her to do these things in the first place. So I ask her more of these type of questions instead of the details of the sex they had. Im a pretty open guy. I dont get jealous and im pretty open sex-wise.

There is a few people here that asked me to do a list of actions as to next steps (for example Stevesn). I have done all of these steps except for the IC,MC and the letter part. I have a plan for this also after when vacation is done. This has also been on my mind last few weeks; in a few days our family vacation starts. I would like for us to be a normal family in this period and try to enjoy myself/ourselves. So forgive me if it looks like im rugsweeping. I must admit im doing this intentionally a little bit. Only because of the upcomming vacation period. This period will also give me some time to think what to do after when vacation ends.

Im in no way able to rugsweep this otherwise.

I might be all over the place with my facts and feelings. It changes daily. And Im not asking for input on her story, if its true or not. Its does not really matter. What matters for me is why.

How this question (and some other questions like it) is answered and how it will be handled, will eventually determine how I move forward i guess.

[This message edited by justanotherguy80 at 7:53 AM, July 7th (Friday)]

She is lying.

Do you honestly belive they never had sex during THREE year affair???

You cant heal if she lies to you my man.Three years is a long time.

[This message edited by Trtroles at 9:18 AM, July 7th (Friday)]

Hi justanotherguy80,

So that is in short terms "the story" i got from her.

- If i believe it? not sure..

- Do i think more happened? you bet. im counting on it.

- Do i Care? I have to be honest here. I do not care. BUT.. there are some moments when i do.

Different people are bothered by different things, but the main reason people here have been taking issue with your wife's story is not so much to quibble about the fine detail, but rather the underlying issue of the dishonesty.

Dishonesty is the foundation of infidelity, and the basis for any successful reconciliation is honesty, which is why people have treated the questionable story your wife has given you as having significance. It is not the fine detail that matters as such, it is that she has not reached the point of being honest with you. And if she is still effectively lying about that, what else may she be lying about?

That is why whether her story is true or not matters; the principle of honesty.

If you can establish that honest communication between you, then maybe she can start to examine the 'why' of it with the same level of honesty.

What will be counter-productive will be if she applies the same air-brushing to the 'why' that she may have applied to the details of what she did. For both of your sakes, she needs to move out of 'what looks good' mode to 'this is the unvarnished truth' mode. Getting there can take time, but it can be done.

One way to move along that path is to tell her that you have doubts about what she has told you about the details, and that she can open up and be more honest, because while the details don't bother you, the air of dishonesty does. If she can start to be honest about that, she can start to be honest about more stuff, like what is important to you, the 'why' and the 'how could she' side of things.

I never planned to meet him or have sex with him. it just happened

I thought she didn't have sex with him?

There are plenty of places at work to have a quickie. It is very common to meet at lunch in the car.

Im more concerned of what drove her to do these things in the first place.

OP, nothing "drove her" to cheat for YEARS. She did it because she WANTED to. Plain and simple. She was getting attention and ego kibbles and was on the high of the affair. She was selfish and chose to engage every single time.

What matters for me is why.

And this is the work your ww must do to figure out why she felt so entitled to cheat.

Thanks for the update.

Of course it is up to you to decide what you do and do not believe. And I would not let up on her coming clean. You said you did the steps we described but do you have a written timeline from her? Whether u want to read it or not, sometimes it's good to make the AP write down each time they did something inappropriate just so they are confronted with their own betrayal in a concrete way.

But regardless of whether or not you get more truth revealed, you already have enough to be justified to divorce if you wanted to. I know you are leaning not to. But sometimes it takes a while for it all to really sink in.

I mean, sorry to be so blunt at this moment but when we casually state terms like ORAL or PETTING it takes the power out of them. It is verbal rug sweeping. But to ensure you can feel the gravity of what she really did we should be saying "he put his penis in her mouth multiple times, and often he orgasm'd. He licked her vagina often until she orgasm'd. He often fondled and sucked on her breasts".

I'm sorry, that made me upset to even write. But it's the truth. I know you say you're open when it comes to sex. But she casually gave away these things that were supposed to be sacred and reserved to her one true love, you.

Now after saying this I don't want you to think I believe that R is impossible, it's not. But if you don't grieve these facts you will still be rug sweeping it all as you go thru the process.

Finally and most importantly. The thing that disturbs me most is this:

"It was never planned. I just followed my impulse. I never planned to meet him or have sex with him. it just happened and I could not stop myself. It did not even occur at the time to stop. It was exiting and a turn-on that we could get caught. I dont love him, he`s not even good looking. It was purely for impulsive and exiting sex to keep things interesting at work. There were weeks and month when nothing happened. Expect for one time jogging every happened at work."

For me she sounds like someone that was in a great marriage with few complaints and decided all these things she did were "no biggie". Like she didn't realize these things were beyond the normal boundaries of marriage. It should be innately understood by any spouse that to take these steps is cheating. You shouldn't even have to discuss this.

So what happens the next time she gets bored at work? Does she crawl under some other coworkers or the boss' desk and go at it?

So the most important question is, how does she make you know, every day for the next 40+ years that she's not going to do it again, with anyone else, not just this AP. It's not like you were doing anything to make her unhappy before.

What I am trying to say is that while the WHY is important to discuss, the real question you need answered is HOW CAN SHE MAKE YOU FEEL/KNOW THAT THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN the next time she gets a little'bored'.

I hope you guys can figure that out.

Enjoy your vacation.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 12:34 PM, July 7th (Friday)]

I never planned to meet him or have sex with him. it just happened and I could not stop myself. It did not even occur at the time to stop. It was exiting and a turn-on that we could get caught. I dont love him, he`s not even good looking. It was purely for impulsive and exiting sex to keep things interesting at work.

For me, this is probably one of the worst reasons I have read on here at least when it comes to a BS and WS considering R.

Keep things interesting at work? WOW!

How could you ever trust this person?

My WW has serious issues but she thought/thinks she was "in love" with the guy...

[This message edited by br549 at 1:05 PM, July 7th (Friday)]

For me she sounds like someone that was in a great marriage with few complaints and decided all these things she did were "no biggie". Like she didn't realize these things were beyond the normal boundaries of marriage. It should be innately understood by any spouse that to take these steps is cheating. You shouldn't even have to discuss this.

So what happens the next time she gets bored at work? Does she crawl under some other coworkers or the boss' desk and go at it?

So the most important question is, how does she make you know, every day for the next 40+ years that she's not going to do it again, with anyone else, not just this AP. It's not like you were doing anything to make her unhappy before.

What I am trying to say is that while the WHY is important to discuss, the real question you need answered is HOW CAN SHE MAKE YOU FEEL/KNOW THAT THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN the next time she gets a little'bored'.

Hi Stevesn, i think youre very much on point on your posts and im thinking very much the same. I have already adressed theese issues several times to her but the answers to that are somewhat unclear. It seems that this is unclear for her too. Right now she`s just mostly worried that i`ll make my mind up and divorce her. She never relized the potenial hurt she could make before now and is doing everything to make up for it. I will probably convince her to go for IC and perhaps also for us maybee MC to adress theese issues.

The facts I told all of you are the facts I got wich are confirmed. I cant go digging further neither do I fell I need to. Wouldnt even know how to. The line is crossed in my mind. IF she still is lying, I have anyway no possibilities to prove this without her taking a poly. I feel shes not lying to me for the time beeing. She has already agreed without blinking to do a poly when I asked. I have found a guy nearby but it costs a lot. Perhaps I would require it later on to ease my mind but for now im not concerned about her potentially lying.

Maybee later I will though..

She may have agreed to it so easily because she knew you weren't going to go through with it. It is rare that you know everything and that things weren't minimized. Mostly you know what they know you can prove and just as much as they think you can stand and still stay.

For me, this is probably one of the worst reasons I have read on here at least when it comes to a BS and WS considering R.

Keep things interesting at work? WOW!

How could you ever trust this person?

My WW has serious issues but she thought/thinks she was "in love" with the guy...

Call me nuts but an affair wich only is about sex is easier to accept than an emotional affair. A sex affair is easily broken off.

But then again.. Whos having an affair without ANY emotions.. ?

[This message edited by justanotherguy80 at 1:49 PM, July 7th (Friday)]

Call me nuts but an affair wich only is about sex is easier to accept than an emotional affair. A sex affair is easily broken off.

But also more easily repeated.

But also more easily repeated.

My point exactly.. But, for me, I see it as someone who does bad for the sport of it.

Again, my WW is messed up. She betrayed me... But, from what I have learned, she did it because her mental issues caused her to feel as though I betrayed her even though any normal person would say I was acting like a good husband.

I would just be very very afraid of R with someone who has turned A into a Sport.

I understand that if we ignore everything she has done, and give no significance at all to whether or not she is actively lying, reconciliation will be considerably easier. However, there are so many alarm bells and red flags here that it would be totally irresponsible to say, "Nothing to see here folks, move right along".

I have asked then why she would have this affair. The answer with some quotes was this: "It was never planned. I just followed my impulse. I never planned to meet him or have sex with him.

That is such total and utter BS that it is painful to see it being repeated. If it was not "planned", what was she repeatedly meeting him for? Several games of checkers that kept taking an unexpected turn when he repeatedly dropped his pants? Every meeting with the OM was planned, in the full knowledge of what was going to happen. I have always wondered what warped logic goes in the mind of wayward spouses that they think saying they didn't "plan" something makes the fact that they willingly consented to cheating somehow less damning. She knew exactly what would happen whenever she met this guy, every time. That was why she kept meeting up with him. If she didn't want it to happen, why did she keep going back for all these "unplanned" meetings where his flies fell open so unexpectedly, despite the fact that his flies had fallen open every other time they met up? Pure coincidence, not planned at all. Here's an analogy. You walk down an alleyway and you get mugged. You walk down the same alleyway again, and you get mugged again. If you walk down the same alleyway for a third time, what are you expecting to happen?

it just happened and I could not stop myself. It did not even occur at the time to stop.

I had a girlfriend who confessed a one night stand to me, and she tried the, "It just happened" nonsense on me. I lost patience with the dodging of responsibility that went with that ridiculous phrase, so one day I said, "Oh, it just happened? Okay. I often have times when I'm walking down the street, minding my own business, when my clothes suddenly fall off all by themselves, and I fall flat on my back, totally powerless to resist while a random passing stranger has sex with me. Happens regularly. Nothing I could do about it. It's those damn self-removing clothes, and a problem with my ability to remain upright".

I could not stop myself. It did not even occur at the time to stop.

Well, that must be enormously reassuring.

It was exiting and a turn-on that we could get caught.

It's a shame that they weren't caught in one of the numerous unplanned sessions they had. They could have learnt how red hot and exciting it is to be escorted out of the office with their workmates looking on, laughing. Hugely arousing for all concerned.

I dont love him, he`s not even good looking. It was purely for impulsive and exiting sex to keep things interesting at work. There were weeks and month when nothing happened. Expect for one time jogging every happened at work."

If it is possible for your wife to have exciting hot sex with an unattractive guy that she feels nothing for, what will happen when a handsome young stud starts working there? Whatever happens, and however many times it happens, it will be totally unplanned and unintended. Every single time.

[This message edited by M1965 at 2:40 AM, July 8th (Saturday)]

It is a sexual affair where the betrayer says it is only sex that worries me most.

She said it herself "it was exiting and she just could not stop herself."

That means it could easily happen again with any man that she feels attracted to.

OP,

I understand what you mean when you say you don't care if you have all the details.....

It is indeed bad enough with what you do know.

However......What it is that I think you still should care about on this issue is this....

If there is more......she is STILL lying.

And trying to R with a person who still feels entitled to lie to and deceive their BS is damn near an impossibility IMO.

It is VERY wayward thinking and behavior.

Yeah the story doesnt add up but i cant keep squeezing truth out for the moment. We are going away today to pick up kids again and try to enjoy ourselves in the upcomming vacation. I will update again here in a few weeks when i get to a new crossing regarding the infidelity. I also bought a book i can read (from Esther Perel) regarding infidelity. Not sure if its a good book yet.