SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One request. Someone replied that there are people on here who can provide info on best poly examiners. I want to get this scheduled for early after our return from vacay. Can someone please provide me with user name of trusted forum members so I can pm them to get this info. Trying not to share info about location on thread.

Can't figure out how to quote other replies. Maybe it's my phone. Sorry brain only working at 30% due to lack of sleep fatigue and just shutting down. Had headache all day yesterday and I don't even remember my last headache, years since one. Doing my best.

Thanks everyone again and again.

Can't say about any new gifts or article of clothing. Wife has so many panties and teddies. She is a slob and I don't touch her stuff, just try to keep my world and parts of house organized.

Has sex life changed during this time? Yeah but it goes up and down frequently. Has been less since she returned to work quite a few years ago, but she has long commute and gets up early. Typical now is once Saturday and Sunday each. Occasional morning or evening during week. When she started sex smothering after A was discovered sex frequency jumped to 2-3x daily. And wild with experimentation like never before.

Hang in there, you are doing very well in a shitty situation.

You can't rebuild on a shaky foundation of lies and unknowns. And you may D if you know all of what she is done. But to move forward together you need to know most of the truth.

- Hysterical bonding in full force after diverting her interest to OM 2 years a go? Wild experimentation could be showing the new tricks from the A.

-Two work phones and no personal phone? 5th graders have personal phones. Are you sure #2 work phone isn't a burner?

-I think divorce records are public, it may not give a reason other than irreconcilable differences but if he filed on her that might be a clue that she cheated. I filed on my X. It doesnt really matter but might be good to know.

Keep your head about you, control the direction as well as you can and be prepared for some crazy reactions from your WW.

I was alone and unprepared for what my WW did but turns out it was all in the cheater handbook, which I never read.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 11:08 AM, July 17th (Monday)]

When she started sex smothering after A was discovered sex frequency jumped to 2-3x daily. And wild with experimentation like never before.

She was trying to use sex as currency to manipulate you and buy forgiveness. The same way Kobe Bryant bought his wife a $4 million diamond ring after she caught him cheating. It worked for Kobe. I guess $4 million was her price. Sex is currency for men. Obviously she couldn't put enough product on the table to buy you off. Good for you.

I'm glad you are getting some of the advice and support you need from this site. It will prove invaluable in helping you to avoid the missteps many of us make in the aftermath of our betrayals.

That's not to say you won't stumble or make mistakes in this process, we all do. Hell I know I made mistakes.

I dealt with my discoveries alone except for one good friend I have who was beside me to support me through this mess. Honestly if I had found this site when I first started searching for help in coping with things I would probably already be divorced. The only reason I say this is I would have been able to tell the difference between remorse and regret and not made so many mistakes.

A remorseful spouse... I've seen relationships recover and move forward after infidelity when the remorseful spouse did hard work to change themselves and rebuild the trust that was lost. My best friend and biggest supporter... he is a testament to this. His wife strayed, he set down hard rules and she did a lot of soul searching and hard work to fix problems with her and to rebuild trust.

A spouse who only regrets the consequences of their actions without truly accepting what they did, without owning it and fixing themselves and the problems.. it wont work. that's the situation I ended up in. You cant rebuild a relationship with only one person.

Pine,

Google polygraph administrators in your area. Read their spiels. Winnow the list down to those that have extensive infidelity based examinations. And law enforcement experience. One member suggesting using an examiner who did polys on individuals on probation (street wise criminals). Look at their listed credentials and their client list (these will be organizations obviously).

They will suggest questions based on your story. Almost all employ a max of 3-4 (other than the innocuous control questions).

Example: Have you had sex w/anyone other than Pineapple since you have been married?

The examiner will lay out for your W the meaning of the word "sex" so that there is base line of understanding when she answers the question.

Example: Have you kissed an unrelated adult male on the lips since you have been married to Pineapple.

Example of followup to Q1: Have you done xyz w/OM?

Example: Have you been in a hotel room alone with OM?

Example: Have you been naked with OM?

Example: Have you discussed leaving Pineapple with OM?

Example: Have you knowingly left anything out of your timeline?

Example: Have you communicated with OM since xx/xx/xxxx.

Her story is that what she did could be construed/misconstrued as an emotional affair. You want to find out if it went physical. And maybe you want to find out the extent of the emotional affair.

Find someone you are comfortable with, a good communicator who answers all of your questions fully, who listens to you, who derives the questions from your story and your goals.

Like many things, put yourself in the hands of a competent professional expert.

What are the consequences of her A?

Will she expose to her family to yours?

One of the best thoughts is to get a post nup.

However, when my former daughter in law cheated on my son, told her that after the D, she could try to win him back.

But he knew that she was a cheater.

If she does not have any consequences, she will still not have any respect for you.

How would she feel if you had an A?

Tell her that you are going to see your attorney. And do see what the results of the D might be.

She has been making these horrible decisions for a long time.

She is still in contact with him on her work phone and or email.

Have her show you her work phone and email.

Hey, I wasn't trying to be hard on you. It just didn't seem like you were listening. I know how much you want to believe what she says right now. I was afraid you would fall in the wayward trap, believe everything she says and rug sweep the A. It is good to hear you are digesting what you have heard and that you have a plan!

Don't really know much about W's first marriage. She insinuated that her first husband was unfaithful to her and moved out of state. She supposedly filed papers on him.

Just want to share that I have two friends whose XW's had cheated on them and were both previously married. Both XW's claim their first husband cheated. Both BH's talked to the first husbands to find out it was in fact the XW's who had cheated.

I myself have remarried since my D. Guess what my XW now tells people when asked about our first marriage? That I had been the one that cheated.

Some waywards will keep denying, even with their dying breath. If there is any way of getting a hold of her first husband it would be worth asking him what happened.

Go to your local police department and ask for advice regarding polys.

Haven't had much alone time to post in past couple days. Did get a chance to talk with my sister this morning which was the first I've spoken about this with someone I know. She has been through worse with her first marriage, much worse. She has a good life now with a fantastic husband who I respect deeply, a real quality guy, and they have kids the same ages as ours. It was a big relief talking with her.

I did have a good conversation yesterday morning with my W and got a little insight perhaps into the why. She has a rebellious / recalcitrant streak in her. She relayed a story about her first marriage when her husband asked her to not to go skiing with groups from her work that were mostly young guys. Apparently she would wait for him to leave to work then get her gear and head to the slopes. Pissed him off when she would get back. I guess maybe a couple years ago give or take I told W not to go to any one on one happy hours with the OM after she told me she had done that. Supposedly that is when the deceit began. Different circumstances but similar behavior.

As I've thought about it, the biggest change I've seen in her behavior over roughly the same period wasn't so much treating me worse but becoming more secluded. Getting home from work and taking dinner to the bedroom, closing the door and staying up there. Long sessions alone in the bedroom with the door closed on weekends. Expressing a much bigger need for alone, unwind time. In retrospect it's pretty obvious that she had checked out of us by that point and had OM going on.

Unfortunately she's chosen to tell an abbreviated version her narrative to the kids and bring them into the middle of this mess with her apology despite my request that we present a unified front to them. I took them aside and again just reiterated that we were working through our troubles and not to worry about the details, that we both love them and that they are and always will be our first priority.

It's a strange feeling, I'm beginning to feel more detached from her now. I guess time will tell if this is salvageable.

So she basically disrespected your wishes and trickled truthed the kids so that she could control the narrative. Jesus.

I'd continue to expose beyond your sister. She is going to start playing games as you continue looking for answers and you need some sunlight on the situation.

Exposure of an affair is like shining sunlight on a vampire...

So her previous husband had laid down a boundary with her and she responds by stepping over it when he wasn't around. That doesn't sound like the husband had cheated in that previous marriage. It sounds like a man who knows where to draw the line in a relationship and if it gets crossed then he kicks her to the curb. You've done similar with stating your boundaries of acceptance with this same woman and what did she do? The exact thing you told her not to do, which was the same response with her first husband. Yet it wasn't you that cheated. I really doubt her first husband had cheated, but I bet you and him are somewhat alike. My friends that I mentioned before in my post above were similar to the first husbands. Like Sharkman says, she is controlling the narrative, that of the past, present, and future. You are husband version 2.0 and she is running the same relationship game plan with the same pattern if behavior. That's my best guess.

Pine,

Don't accept her minimizing her A. She has already started rewriting the narrative of her A. She has started with the kids. Her next iteration with others is that you are controlling, that you wouldn't let her go out with "friends".

I would say that the odds are 100% that this was a physical affair. She was trying to set up a rendezvouz - the ONLY reason someone who is married tries to schedule a meet up in another city is so they can carry on without worry about discovery.

And the hit me thing? My first thought was she's trying to set you up - you hit her, she calls police. At the very least it is evidence that she did way more than she is admitting.

You made the same "mistake" I made - I couldn't control my emotions and confronted too soon. As a result all I could prove was that unacceptable sexual emails had been exchanged - and that is all she has admitted to this day. But I have other details as well as my gut feeling that tell me there are a lot of things I will never know. If you reconcile you may have to accept that you will go to your grave not knowing for sure what happened.

pine

im sorry you are here. im new too. i have nothing to offer you as i am totally lost.

all that i can say is that i have a 13 page long thread where really solid advice is being given. i believe these people to know exactly what they are talking about and while their advice may not seem to apply to your situation, it does.

i hope you find peace in whichever direction you choose.

Only a couple days remaining on vacay before I can get back and begin pushing this process forward. It's been so difficult at times on this trip. Yesterday I just abandoned the family when I got near our destination for the day and got out of the car and walked away. Told my wife to go find the hotel and I just headed off. Eventually I found a pizza place and started downing beers. When I caught up with my wife later that night I told her it was over. Needless to say that was a tough message for her to take. We made up later, but I think she realizes that I am really very close still to just ending the marriage.

The whole trip has just been a constant barrage of niceness, TLC and sex. Every few hours I pull out my phone and look at picture of the text from her to OM seeing if he has a good excuse to overnight with her while she is away from me. It's the surefire antidote to her efforts to win me back.

The most fucked up thing ever now is sex with her. I must have developed some sort of affair Stockholm syndrome. The only way I can get off now is picturing OM fucking my W. If that isn't just totally screwed up I don't know what is.

She must have told me a thousand times nothing physical happened between them. She keeps saying she will take the poly. She also told me she's done a lot of reading about them. Then last night when she mentioned the poly again she slipped in a comment that she doesn't know how to beat a poly. What a fucking piece of work she is. Try to beat it and if she fails then claim a false positive. So the poly doesn't mean much to me really now. I'm tempted to find some poly examiners who will just mind fuck with her for entertainment sake. Ask a yes/no question like Is OM's favorite position on top?

It's really so much harder for me to see a way forward for us now. She keeps asking for me not to give up on her, give her a chance to show through her actions that she is sorry and a dedicated wife. I guess that those actions don't include admitting the obvious.

When we return is the first time that we will be home when the OM is back in town from his multi week work travels that he's been on since I discovered the A. I think I will cut off the sex when vacation ends. It's obvious she cannot bring herself to admit the PA and I don't trust her supposed transparency now about not seeing him. No sense exposing myself to any further STD risk.

Pineapple, consider for a second that everything she's been saying about the poly is designed to get you to give up on it because she knows she's f'ed if she takes one.

She is manipulating you on this and several other issues. The sex also looks like it could be what people refer to as love bombing or hoovering (never mind the AP, just let me boink your brains out so you think everything is fine and dandy).

From what you've described, I believe your WW to be a practiced liar and manipulator. As they say, detach, detach, detach. It will allow you to think more clearly about what is best for you. She knows she fucked up and is scrambling to keep you in the dark so she can continue to have her cake and eat it too. Don't let her do that.

Pine.

If you want to be done and move toward D then that's ok. Go see a lawyer when you get back home and start the process. You've been thru a lot. You should be talking to a lawyer and in IC no matter if you want to D or try R.

However don't keep telling her you are ready for D and then pull it back over and over again. That just hurts you more in the long run.

I think if you truly want to know if it was a PA you should first try to decide if she confessed to the PA whether or not you would still work on the marriage or if that would be certain D.

If you can decide that you still would work on the marriage and could ccnvey that message to her then maybe she would be more forthcoming. Maybe she would feel safer (ironic huh) to confess. Telling her the only way you can move forward with trying R is if you had the full truth no matter what it is may help her loosen up.

If you haven't yet share with her Joseph's Letter found at the link below. Of course cut and paste the words into an email to her so she doesn't find this site. This site should be your haven.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp

I am also going to send you a PM with a link to someone's thread who was able to reconcile ONLY after he knew the whole truth.

Good luck and stay strong.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 9:09 AM, July 21st (Friday)]