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I'm still not certain how you can ever feel safe with such a person ever again. No matter how much work you put in over the years.

Something is truly missing inside of her to think her behavior wouldn't destroy her family.

Again she needs years of just IC. I think MC is a complete waste for you at this time.

I recommend you seriously consider D proceedings and work out a parenting and financial plan.

If at some point down the road she has worked on herself and figured out and fixed her serious flaws, and you are so inclined, maybe then you can start over. But we are talking years.

I really can't see another good path.

I'm so sorry.

Please, if you are not already, get yourself with a good IC and also get support from friends and fAmily.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 3:37 PM, July 25th (Tuesday)]

I honestly don't believe anyone who has had this happened to them every truly trusts anyone ever the same again. Even if you D and meet someone new, I don't believe you ever trust even them the way you once trusted people.

Yes it is mine, she had an IUD during the affair and the guy lived out of state.

3 kids 1 otw

Texashunter41

So she had the IUD taken out. Did she intentionally get pregnant? Did you know about her affair when she got pregnant?

But I am now being labeled an abusive husband by other because I'm pissed and yell at her when things come up or call her a name because of the huge amount of frustration.. that she doesn't deserve this kind of treatment...are you fing kidding me with that bs!!!! Seriously!!!

Texashunter41

I don’t have all the facts but could she have gotten pregnant as insurance? It’s harder to divorce a pregnant woman and a pregnant woman is more of a victim.

Being mean to a pregnant woman is much worse that being mean to a woman.

If she did get pregnant on purpose she is very smart. Let’s say you tell someone all that she did. They will come back with “That's very bad but she’s pregnant now. Lay off. She's going to have your child'.

[This message edited by Michigan at 4:15 PM, July 25th (Tuesday)]

The affair has been over since sept 23,2016. She got prego in February. She knew I had wanted more children and said she wanted to prove how serious she was about saving her family and to show how much she really loves me. We talked about it and she had the IUD removed. So yes I knew what could happen and did nothing about it. Just went with it, but recently a family member said wth! Who decides to do something like that when you are an emotional wreck. They feel she took advantage of me and my state I was in. I don't feel she did but thinking about it this wouldn't have been something I would have wanted to do if I had cheated. I would have waited till I was sure we were going to stay together and it was made with love. I messed up and that is my fault. In a way I'm happy and am glad to have another son. Just conflicted even more so now..my children are my life and the only thing really keeping me going. Im trying to focus on them and not so much on her. I've been half adding the whole 180 thing. Wish I had seen that back when it all came out.

She knew I had wanted more children and said she wanted to prove how serious she was about saving her family.

Texashunter41

It sounds to me like you made a deal. She didn’t want more children (she had an IUD) and you did. So she gave you want you wanted so you wouldn’t leave her.

This wouldn't have been something I would have wanted to do if I had cheated. I would have waited till I was sure we were going to stay together and it was made with love. I messed up and that is my fault.

Texashunter41

Yes you did mess up but it takes two to complete a sale.

a family member said wth! Who decides to do something like that when you are an emotional wreck. They feel she took advantage of me and my state I was in.

Texashunter41

That's why there is a Cooling-Off Rule .

The FTC’s Cooling-Off Rule gives you a 3-day right to cancel a sale made at your home, workplace or dormitory, or at a seller’s temporary location, like a hotel or motel room, convention center, fairground or restaurant. It also applies when you invite a salesperson to make a presentation in your home. .

[This message edited by Michigan at 5:23 PM, July 25th (Tuesday)]

I honestly don't believe anyone who has had this happened to them every truly trusts anyone ever the same again. Even if you D and meet someone new, I don't believe you ever trust even them the way you once trusted people

True. But you would respect them.

Ok look. I am usually very pro R. And I feel bad that I'm not giving that a chance with you.

Honestly previous poster is right. You both should be in IC for at least 6 months before working on MC. She to work on why she went outside her boundaries so easily and you to work on the pain.

Only then should MC be attempted.

I am assuming she is showing you remorse and taking full responsibility. That she cares more about your pain than hers or the APs.

If not then there is little hope. But with such a dramatic betrayal I am assuming there is because she is exhibiting these characteristics.

We are coming up to the last time she met him. The 31st is when she flew for the day to be with him and paid for it all. Made the sex videos and let him cum in her. which she enjoyed and said ok when he asked..or should I say told her he was going to..he never really asked if it was ok..I am filled with rage and anger right now and just want her to be gone right now.

TexasHunter, I am curious if your WW has had IC to start to uncover the factors behind these actions. It seems your situation is a bit similar to mine in that there wasn't an emotional connection and the escalation into sex was very quick.

In my WW case there is a very self destructive need for attention and validation and she has never learned how to handle being desired by other men in an appropriate manner. She is very emotionally immature in this way and she did many stupid and self destructive things to get that fix.

Do you believe people can fundamentally mature and change with personal work? If not then yep, there's no hope I guess.

All I can say is that I know I have changed over they years even where my values come into play. When I was a kid I actually remembering shoplifting a time or two and got caught once. As a grown ass person stealing is not something I would ever consider, to the point of going back into store if I see they missed scanning something. Its because I grew as a person. I also cheated a bunch with girlfriends in my late teens. I hate that now looking back. Its not who I am now. I don't need that validation.

She cannot just promise to respect boundaries or be transparent with you. There are shelf lives to those promises. Trust me I know. Your WW really has to dig deep to understand how to grow and change as a person.

As of now we will going to MC twice a week instead of once. He feels that it would be good for both of use to take turns expressing our issues and be present so we can start to understand each other with our feeding each other second hand information. I agree with the idea as I don't know this person anymore.

She enjoyed the sex at the time but that looking back is wasn't that good at all. She was never ever able to climax and in all 3 meetings he only did once. She enjoyed the talk and fantasies the most. Someone other than me wanting her so bad, desiring her and lusting for her. Because of that she would do anything he wanted in order to keep it going. She had no feeling for him other than how the Fantasy made her feel. All the attentions and false sense of being appreciated. But she now realizes she was being appreciated but only seen as his personal whore whom he could do anything he wanted with her. The fact that she knew what expectations they had for each other was only sexual. The very thing she was pissed about in me, that all I wanted from her is sex and nothing else.. Which was all false as well. She literally had made herself believe that I didn't love, appreciate or care for her anymore. Which couldn't be any further from the truth. The whole thing now that she looks back at it all crushed her because she now sees the truth of not only him and the AP but everything I was doing to prove to her that I did love, appreciate and cared for her. She now understands she ruined her whole life for nothing and with someone who meant nothing to her. To me because he meant nothing and did the very things with him that I begged for means I wasn't even worthy of the lowest of low. That trash had gotten more than I ever would for her. Me nd our children were nothing to her..The guy you only knew 2 days before starting the affair meant everything to her. He was her world and she showed him how far she would go for him and his attention. Kids, marriage and life wasn't enough compared to what he gave to her. The fantasy was worth more than the whole package people look for when they choose a mate. She preferred being a whore to being loved and basically worshiped by her family..

I'm right there with you on much of this.

I would only suggest a different way to frame this in your thinking.

The guy wasn't more important to her than you or her family, the feeling she got from being desired and validated was what was more important to her. In her thinking she possibly believed that your desire for her was because you had to and thus didn't carry the same weight as this slime ball.

He was just a tool and was being used by her just as much as he was using her.

I actually found some interesting articles on there by searching "Attention Seeking Women".

Its a messed up way to respond to this overwhelming need to feel desired and validated.

I even think enjoying sex or not enjoying sex is really not the issue. Sex is the tool to keep that desire going. I have gotten to the point of understanding that while it may not be primarily about the sex per se, it doesn't mean it didn't feel good. That's just me trying to minimize hurt in my head.

My WW really acted in a way not consistent with being a reasonable person in other parts of her life just to get that fix of being wanted.

Getting to the heart of why this need to feel desired or wanted has way too much power to your WW is the key. As others have mentioned this feels like more of an IC thing than a marriage thing.

Best of luck.

The problem now Tim is now I want to go out and have my moment like she did.. I no longer feel it from her and haven't for sometime now. I'm now in a bad situation and should have had her leave once I finally confronted her. I'm a bit trapped now but I want to take my kids and bail. I have been dwelling on it all last night and today. I just don't see the worth in her or our marriage anymore. I am trying to figure out an exit plan now. I cant keep living like this anymore nor put my kids through it anymore either. We need to leave and start fresh where we can heal and she can go away and learn to fix herself for someone else.

[This message edited by Texashunter41 at 3:03 PM, July 26th (Wednesday)]

I no longer feel it from her

Feel what? Love? That she desires u sexually.? That you desire her? That you love her?

I was wondering. Have you guys been intimate since DDay? Is that possible?

yes, we have a lot but it all feels dead in the end. I don't feel loving or love for her in that way. I don't feel desire or lust from her and why would I..Im old news, she only could feel that way for him. It kind of feels like it did in college. Just 2 people having sex and then done. I don't wear a wedding ring anymore. I took it off on DD and only missed it for the first month. Now I don't miss wearing it or the idea of being married anymore. Its kind of like just going through the motions since ive been doing this for 14 yrs and don't really know any different. I used to love being married and a faithful husband. But now, I just don't really care for it anymore. I want something new and fresh again. Something that I truly deserve and can complete me again.

[This message edited by Texashunter41 at 3:30 PM, July 26th (Wednesday)]

Texashunter41 - "I want something new and fresh again. Something that I truly deserve and can complete me again."

Correct! She isn't worth your attention. She enjoys being treated like a whore especially when there's a large cock involved. And don't be fooled, she enjoyed the sex, she enjoyed being instructed, she enjoyed him finishing inside her. She bought a dildo so she could be ready for him? Seriously? And she didn't like it? Bullsh*t. She loved every minute and every inch inside her.

Then, while you're still trying to process what she's done, she uses your desire for kids to manipulate you into staying with her; thinking that maybe a new child will keep you on the hook. Holy crap, you've got a snake on your hands.

You're hopefully beginning to come out of the shock phase and are realizing who she is. Your best course of action is to release yourself and your kids from the bondage to her and to the pain she's brought.

You've got to be cautious though and get it right. You need a very good men's lawyer and you need to make sure that she gets as close to nothing as possible. This was all her choice. She chose to lose everything for the OM. Give her what she wanted; let her live with her choice.

Take care of yourself and your kids.

Texashunter41 - "I want something new and fresh again. Something that I truly deserve and can complete me again."

Correct! She isn't worth your attention. She enjoys being treated like a whore especially when there's a large cock involved. And don't be fooled, she enjoyed the sex, she enjoyed being instructed, she enjoyed him finishing inside her. She bought a dildo so she could be ready for him? Seriously? And she didn't like it? Bullsh*t. She loved every minute and every inch inside her.

Then, while you're still trying to process what she's done, she uses your desire for kids to manipulate you into staying with her; thinking that maybe a new child will keep you on the hook. Holy crap, you've got a snake on your hands.

You're hopefully beginning to come out of the shock phase and are realizing who she is. Your best course of action is to release yourself and your kids from the bondage to her and to the pain she's brought.

You've got to be cautious though and get it right. You need a very good men's lawyer and you need to make sure that she gets as close to nothing as possible. This was all her choice. She chose to lose everything for the OM. Give her what she wanted; let her live with her choice.

Take care of yourself and your kids.

Then I can understand your desire to move on.

The hard part is that so many wish they had a WW that was remorseful to work with on R and you seem to have one right in front of you. But I get it. My previous post to you was "I don't know how you could ever trust again....". And I guess the answer is, in the current state of your relationship l, you can't.

Really the only way I can see is if you D and both go your separate ways (as much as parents of 4 can) and live your life, date and sleep with other women, for a number of years.

Then after a while you can view each other differently and if a time comes when you are both single, try it again on a whole other plain. But there are many variables there that make that an unlikely scenario (e.g. Falling in love with someone else).

I guess my only advice would be to be honest about that in MC. Talk freely about how you don't see a path to R that doesn't first require a legal separation or D. Then you're not wasting everyone's time including your own on some false R.

Take care.