SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thankyou xx

I too thought for months that some naughty texts were the worst of it and that they'd been caught in time before it could escalate. I wish you were not in the position right now to have to question whether that may or may not be true. It is so terrible being lied to by someone you trusted and love.

They can't hide forever. You're on high alert now and you will catch them or her husband will, it's just a matter of time. You're doing amazing, you're so much smarter than I was. Unless he tells you the full truth it will be difficult for him to get out of the affair mindset where hiding details makes it all illicit and keeps the adrenaline up. The affair doesn't really stop being 'fun' until they are more focused on your pain than on protecting themselves and that can unfortunately take many months.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We have all been there and we're sorry you had to join us but glad you found us.

Ive been onto his phone provider today and ive been sent a log of calls and texts up to the last bill. To be honest its inconclusive, but I will be sent the most recent one next Friday which might tell me more and will show how often they were in contact when he was actually on holiday. Ive turned into a manic person, desperately pouring over the numbers hoping to see a pattern. He did once tell me she never answered calls she would ring straight back, so maybe that's it. I wouldn't have seen those calls back. I'm hoping the data retrieval programme will shed some light.

Thankyou everyone for your messages of support, it really is the most heart wrenching thing ive ever had to process and ive lost a parent and a sister. How could he do this to me, I'll probably never know.

oops double post....

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 2:48 PM, July 28th (Friday)]

Hey Rae-

the rule of thumb is a WS will admit to something like flirty emails for 4 weeks when in reality it is 4 months of sexting.

Or we hugged one means weeks of oral...

Follow your gut, it could be innocent or unconsummated at this point. But prepare yourself to find out more.

Sorry that you are here but it;s a good place to be in a sucky time....

The problem, Rae, is you mentioned WhatsApp. There are tons and tons of apps people can use to communicate that leave no record. You need to get into his itunes or play store history and see what he has downloaded or purchased. If he has Gmail, get into his Google maps, go to his timeline and see what he has been up to. Look at his you tube history. His Facebook messages. He could have a secret Facebook page. There are even secret apps created just for cheating. It has gotten very hard to catch an affair if they are underground.

I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but if they had the opportunity for this to be physical then it's very possible it was, and if he's staying near her and her husband's away it seems difficult to believe that it didn't turn physical. It's just a pattern we see here time and time again, if you read back through older threads you'll see it too. Prepare for the worst.

As for uncovering the truth, besides running recovery software on his phone what are the chances of putting a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car? Or is there anywhere else he might call her from?

I'd also say you should expose to her husband, but it might cause more harm than good if you can't show him any evidence and she already knows you know. It's very easy for her to paint you as a crazy jealous person ahead of time so her husband will brush off anything you come to him with. If you can get hold of those pictures again that might be enough to get him to do his own digging from his end.

MickeyBill2016, I know this is far from funny but I actually laughed at a hug equals one week of oral. I told you I'm going mad!

PopIt I sent the pictures to myself when I found them, so I have them, and I will also have call/text logs that will show activity in the small hours. That should be enough for her husband. Who knows maybe they have that kind of relationship? I don't know anything anymore!

I'm expecting the absolute worst, I'm preparing myself for the further emotional fallout.

Rae, that's great! I know this is awful to go through but it sounds like you've got your head screwed on and are handling the situation as well as the best of them.

If you can show her husband the pictures and any logs of communication, especially frequently at inappropriate hours, then that should be more than enough to at least get him watching her. Two pairs of eyes on the situation will help immensely, and while you shouldn't count on it, he might be able to dig up evidence on his end (maybe she's not as diligent about deleting things as your husband is) that he'll be willing to share with you. Her husband is probably your best ally right now!

If you are going to contact him, don't give your husband any indication that you're planning on it and just do it. This helps to stop your husband warning the other woman and them getting ahead of the story.

It's good to plan for the worst, but for what it's worth I hope it doesn't come to that for you.

Her husband can be your biggest ally, but not if you give the cheaters a heads up that you are going to be contacting him. Do it without telling anyone, and wait for your WS to act strange. Plant vars around to record if he receives calls from her.

[This message edited by mharris at 5:12 PM, July 28th (Friday)]

I could have written this when I first found out. In fact, I'm pretty sure I did. Husband had an affair with close coworker. Swore on his child's life that it was just sexting/ emotional. Then after I hounded him, he admitted a kiss. Finally. Then after searching and searching like a semi-pro, I found a nearby hotel receipt dating WAYYY back. Then he admitted to sleeping together one time. You can see where this is going.

I was trickle truthed for months.

I'm so sorry. It seems like you've got a pretty good head on your shoulders, and are doing way better than I did. Hang in there and accept his word as meaningless. Because it is. ((hugs))

Same here. Only, I thought that I had a handle on it, and 3 years later, after I thought we were in solid R, and he let his guard down, I stumbled upon another OW, 4 year long LTA that he managed to hide from me because of a burner, and she was single. They met through Ashley Madison. He cut off all communication after dday. I discovered it by dumb luck. I would have never known. Don't be so confident that you know it all. Your judgement could be clouded by emotion now.

((Rae))

Sorry you are here. It's a great resource from people who understand. I too have 5 children similar ages to yours. Parts of your story resonated with me personally.

You are getting excellent advice and when people say "be prepared for it to be more serious" unfortunately they are almost always correct.

I happened to receive a text meant for my husband and since we shared the same icloud account that text came to me somehow from her to him on my phone. It was the weirdest coincidence but really the biggest blessing because it brought it to my attention. I too got the whole "that is just the way she talks to everyone" speech and I didn't buy it. So I kept quietly watching and digging. It took another 10 months before I had found his secret email account. Here was my problem: I was SO naive and trusted my husband would tell me the truth about what I asked. When I finally found the secret email with sexting pictures on it I still believed him when he said that was all it was. He denied he ever was physical with her. He even told me "that would be so weird to be with someone else" Later, of course "I was never physical with her" turned out to mean "I really had sex with 4 OW" so....yea we have all unfortunately been where you are.

On a positive note he ended up confessing to all of his infidelities to his parents, church clergy etc and has worked so hard these almost 3 years since Dday to be the husband that I deserve. We both went to IC for a year and we are well on our way in R which is the hardest thing I will ever do.

I wish I would have found this site the minute I saw that first text but I didn't find it until months after Dday.

So be prepared to be gaslighted and told it wasn't anything more than some texts. Take care of yourself and know that marriages can be happy again after infidelity if you have a partner who is sincere about fixing their brokenness and poor coping strategies (which is what infidelity is). But also remember you don't have to make any decisions anytime soon about what you want whether it's to D or R. To be honest for the next long while you may bounce between the two.

You didn't have a say in what he did BUT you do have a say in what happens moving forward. You tell him what you expect moving forward and then you watch what he does. His actions will tell you if R is even a chance. Trust your gut.

All my best!

Hope

Rae - you're doing great. Much better than I did and many here will likewise own up to being a total mess in the beginning. You're being thoughtful and methodical and are very open to suggestions so you're really ahead of the game.

One thing I want to highlight is Popit's good suggestion to use a VAR. Especially with a H away from home so much. We've seen a lot of instances here at SI where the VAR yields a ton of info, and can expose the truth quite fully. Nothing better than a WS's own words when he thinks he's alone in the car talking to the AP or a friend, etc.

Hang in there and keep posting. We will help you.

Hi Rae, just checking in to see how you are doing.

I'm really sorry you find yourself here. There is tons of support here and a lot of wise posters. It's strange how discovery usually starts out so innocent. Usually an accidental text, a phone call at an odd time ,etc. I opened up my wife's email because her reason for changing her bank account password didn't sit right, so I started to dig. Eventually ended up inher spam email where she had tons of inappropriate messages from something ne friend m Facebook. She said it was just on the internet . I wanted to believe her,but......

I continued to dig for a few weeks. I truly think she thought I wouldn't put everything together as her AP was a classmate who lived 8 hrs away. Well they did meet up. I found so many lies it was unbelievable.

I guess I say all this to say don't stop digging. Don't believe a word your spouse says without solid proof. They hope we will just believe them and when we confront them will only admit to what they think we know. There is always a lot more to the story.

Please don't ever feel like you're alone or that "just texting" is any less devastating of a betrayal of your fundamental trust. :(

I am going through something very similar now (you can check my post in this forum) and I 100% relate to feeling like maybe you're overreacting at first, or being told you are. You are not!

In good moments, I have found the ebook Online Affairs from the dearpeggy.com website to be helpful in putting this horrible event into words and perspective. I actually printed it out and am highlighting some of the candid responses that I feel like I could have written myself. There are a lot of them...

Please also check for financial infidelity as well. I never would have suspected this of my husband, but found out last night about a secret bank account set up for direct deposit of a fixed amount from his paycheck. I am now learning the hard way that emotional/text/online adultery goes right along with other forms of deception.

Hi, just wanted to say you were all right. It was more, lots more. broken

My story is somehow similar but after too many investigation and lies I found out that they exchanged naked pics, and that they met at a parking lot and kissed. There was no way In hell I believed that they didn't have sex until the poly. Everything was a shock, first to know that my husband broke he purity of or marriage, by so many texts and phone calls, then the pics, then the kiss, and since he was too remorseful I demanded a poly, after that I started to fell a little better, but the pain is of of the emotional affair is extreme,some days I think I'm not gonna make it. But while I was going thru my own despair of investigation and while in denial I didn't want to hear that my h was capable of such a things. Here's something I didn't hear a lot while on the investigating phase. Maybe that was just the texts, maybe never got to be physical, maybe was just an stupidity. It's good that now you're on alert. Many blessings

Oh he had sex with her, he admitted the whole thing when i said this was one and only chance at full disclosure right here and now else we're finished. I needed to know but its so deeply scarring i am not sure if i can ever forgive him, mainly. Ecause hes been feeding me a crock of shit for 2 weeks worsening the betrayal.