SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a WW. I married my best friend and a truly wonderful man 8 years ago and never in a million years imagined I would be here posting this. My A started a year ago after several years of traumatic events and depression on my end as well as a loss of intimacy in our marriage. I am also a recovering addict as is BH, we met at Narcotics Anonymous. I had 10 years clean last February and he has 13 years. We stopped working our recovery programs and attending meetings shortly after we got married in 2009. (I relapsed and used during my A and although the A preceded the use I can see how my behaviors and lack of boundaries were related to addiction and my lack of personal and spiritual growth.)

I have done lots of reading over the past several months and do not bring these up as excuses, but rather as events that led me to be primed for an A.

I truly never saw it coming. I never thought anyone would be hurt. I just plain didn't think. Now I can't stop thinking.

For the last several months of the A I was living with my AP and coming to terms with impending divorce. I began asking for a divorce BEFORE D-day as I had justified and rationalized myself out of my marriage entirely. I felt guilty and felt that there was no way he or I could live with what I had done. I actually moved out before D-day (which was in April) although BH pretty much knew what was happening before official D-day. About 6 weeks ago I realized BH HAD NOT YET GIVEN UP. I was floored by this realization, what kind of man would go through all I had put him through and still be willing to take me back?!? The kind of man that isn't worth throwing away.

I fell into a deep depression and every second spent with AP I was longing for my old life back, while every second with BH or our kids I longed for AP. (Sleeping at AP's house but staying with our children during the day at family home).

I realized I couldn't have my old life back and became truly ambivalent while I fought an internal battle between my heart, brain, and morals. I know the person I used to be and the person I want to be again, but cannot wrap my brain around the person I am now. I keep questioning my motives for everything. Am I considering R for him? For me? For our children? What is the right reason? Is there one? Am I only doing this because I can't live with myself if I don't try and fix what I've broken?

I've drug AP through the ringer as well, left him twice and told him fully of my indecision which no doubt hurt him deeply. He is in the midst of turmoil in his own life (a nasty divorce and custody battle that I feel partially responsible for; he left his wife when he and I started to become emotionally involved although had been thinking about it for some time before we even met) and while I know as the OM he is far from innocent I cannot help but hurt for him as he is a human who made a mistake just like me. He finally told me I needed to decide and I chose my BH. I know he is devastated but his heart couldn't handle any more of my ambivalence and I understand. I wasn't strong enough to walk away so even in my pain of grieving him I am thankful he was the strong one in this instance and in essence told me goodbye.

Right now I am just so confused and sad and guilty and angry and ashamed and scared and hopeless. I believe I started grieving AP around the time when my depression really kicked in, 6 or so weeks ago. Not sure if that makes sense, but I think I have known for a long time that I needed to go back to try and make my marriage work. I have cried and cried and cried. I had lost all interest in ANYTHING except for AP and now that he is gone I feel crushed and lost. He was my best friend, always there, the drug to take me away from myself. Regardless if my feelings for him were fantasy or reality, actual love of some kind or just dopamine, it hurts deeply to let go of all we had and all we dreamed together. I have trouble with emotional intimacy yet felt he was the one person in my life I could be completely honest with. I told him things I'd never told anyone else. Let him see me more vulnerable than anyone has seen me. I also loved him in the action sense of putting his well being ahead of my own. I believe I became codependent at some point. He was not perfect and over the A I did see a lot of the magic wear off. That is partially what contributed to my choosing BH. I believe BH is a better compliment to my personality and also a more mature individual. OM was a lot like me in a lot of ways, and I know from past experience it is hard if not impossible for two people so broken to help each other heal.

But still I miss him terribly and don't know how to go about initiating R with BH while this cloud of grief hangs over me.

I question whether I do or will actually love BH again. I sometimes think I do, but I spent so much time and energy turning him into my enemy to justify my A.

I question the nature of love. How much of it is a feeling vs. an action.

I question whether this is the best thing for everyone involved.

I question whether I even WANT to be married at all. Obviously I don't deserve his grace, but not even being sure I want it is terrifying and produces even more shame.

I am in intensive outpatient therapy for three weeks to deal with my current depression and I question whether I am even well enough myself to help my BH heal. I am very sick and then feel guilty for being this way as I brought it upon myself and BH is the one who is supposed to be getting all the empathy and help healing and yet he is the strong one right now and that doesn't seem like that's how it's supposed to be.

I obviously have a lot of issues to still work through. Some days I wish he were the one who had cheated because I can't imagine it feeling worse than this feels. I guess I feel betrayed too, betrayed by myself and by life and by the fairy tale of true love I beleived for so long.

I've been reading on here for several weeks but didn't want to post until I could say my A was over for good. I believe it is over although I still have moments of doubt and reservations and want so badly to run back to my AP because this is SO.DAMN.HARD. But I know that will not make anything easier or better.

BH does not know the A is over. I'm not sure when to tell him. Each time I tried unsuccessfully to end the A in the past I DID NOT tell BH because I wanted to be sure I was sure. I had partially moved back into the family home a couple weeks ago, staying the night here for the most part during the week but occasionally staying at AP's here and there and weekends. BH and I never discussed this although I did make a half hearted attempt at talking to him about R about a week and a half ago when I started IOP, but it went poorly and I ended up back at AP's. He's not an idiot so I'm sure he knows something is up, I just don't know if I should say anything now or not. I want to start healing us but I feel like that can't even begin until I am somewhat healed. Do I want to tell him from a selfish standpoint (I.e. to get started on R sooner and in hopes that we can begin showing affection for one another again; I am desperate for any sign of affection right now, selfish, I know, but depression is kicking my @$$ and I feel so unlovable and worthless and hopeless and quite honestly I just miss human connection) Or does he deserve to know exactly where I am? Is it time to deeply apologize and ask that I might someday have his forgiveness? Am I doing this for him or me, and does it really matter?

I know I betrayed and abandoned him. I know I deserve nothing less in return. But I also know of my tendancy to punish myself and I'm not sure if that is part of what I'm doing now or not.

I've had only half a donut and two cups of coffee in the past 40 hours so forgive my ramblings and thank you for any hope or advice you can give.

Welcome to SI unbeautiful. Things can be a little slow on weekends so don't get discouraged.

First and foremost, I think you need to concentrate on your sobriety before you can even consider R.

Second, it is impossible to know what your motive for R with your husband is while you are still holding onto the belief that your AP is special. There isn't room for both. You need to be complete NC. No contact by phone, email, social media (even just taking a peek), word of mouth through friends of friends, nothing. Start viewing your affair for what it is. Why would you want something that was built on deceit?why would you want someone that was willing to change your moral compass and be a part of your dignity falling apart? Why would you want someone that has encouraged poor behavior? Is it someone you would be able to trust?

When it comes to your BH, I recommend honesty only. Answer his questions to best of your ability. Don't hide or lie to him anymore.

I keep questioning my motives for everything. Am I considering R for him? For me? For our children? What is the right reason? Is there one? Am I only doing this because I can't live with myself if I don't try and fix what I've broken?

Honestly, I think motives change from time to time. Ultimately you want your motive to be 'because you love him'. At times, however you will feel weak and need to draw from somewhere else to keep going so your motives will change to the kids, you, anything to keep you from sliding down that slippery slope again.

Have you had conversations with your BH about the possibility of R or are you not really interacting with him at this time?

Have you read any books? I recommend "Helpjng Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" and "Not Just Friends". I also recommend writing out a timeline for your affair because if R is on the table your BH will have several questions along the way. As time passes, some of those details are hard to remember.

Hang in there. One day at a time.

You have come to a great place to work through this.

Thanks Walkingoneggshelz, I am back to my so sobriety and attending meetings and connected with support on that front. I know that letting that go was the biggest factor in my decision to have an affair.

I spent time today deleting pictures of AP. I don't know how to get him out of my mind, he consumes it right now. I KNOW all those things you said about AP, which is why I see BH as the better man, and ultimately choose him (if he will still have me) but my heart is stupid and useless and refuses to let go. My depression tells me I will always feel the way I currently do which includes my pining for AP. I can't imagine not feeling as though I've lost my soulmate and am settling for the runner up. How effed up is that? But that is what I am feeling! I am trying desperately to hang onto some faith that my mind is wiser than my heart. That I need to listen to all of you who have walked this path before me. Listen to my psychologist. Listen to the authors of the books and the blogs.

Currently reading Helping Your Spouse Heal, should have it finished by this evening if I can stomach any more.

We talked briefly about R about a week ago. He insisted I must be willing to do "whatever it takes" and I was only willing to "try" which wasn't enough for him. Of course this was during one of my first attempts to let go of AP which failed. I did not tell BH I was trying to leave AP. He does not know that as of now I have left. When do I tell him? When do I broach the subject of R again?

I bumped a thread for you. Maia's Withdrawal Survival Guide. Read it. It has helped many people in your position.

I think telling your BH that you ended it should be done sooner than later. He won't wait for you forever. He needs to see that you are making an effort. Telling him can also give you accountability for yourself.

It's not your heart that won't let go. It's about letting go of the validation and having to deal with the life you have created. You know it's a fantasy so pop that bubble. When you want to think of something positive about your AP, spin it around and put some light on it. You have to see your affair for what it really is. Do you really think you could sustain that level of validation from day to day while paying bills and dealing with real life like illnesses and family dynamics? I doubt it. But it's hard to go from that extreme high to the extreme low, but it's necessary to learn ways to validate and eventually love yourself.

Thank you for bumping that. I'd read it before but needed it today and forgot about it. Also read your story on your profile and there is a lot I can relate to. Thank you again.

A turning point for me in my recovery was when my wife pointed out to me that the affair was simply just an new outlet for my addictions. Most addicts never really stop being addicted, even though we believe we have since we have stopped doing the "thing" we're addicted to. Instead, what usually happens, is that we end up trading one addiction for the other. You quit smoking, you do drugs. You quit drugs, you play video games. You quit games, you over-eat... it just keeps swapping. Maybe if we traded for some healthy habit, like working out or gaining a new skill... it wouldn't be so bad. That's not usually the case.

For me, addiction is my way dealing with pain, avoiding conflict and making myself feel better (often at everyone else's expense). The weird thing is, as addicts, we will often end up putting ourselves into even worse and more painful, stressful situations just to avoid the pain of the initial problem. I think in some ways, addicts look to self-punish themselves at the same time as they seek to make themselves feel better. We keep trying to fill that empty hole in ourselves, never realizing that it's a bottomless pit. (Until we learn how to fill it properly).

Try to see the AP for who he really is. He is willing to date and have sex with a married woman. Despite what he may say to you, his actions clearly show that he does not give a damn if he wrecks your marriage and family in order to get what's good for himself right now. He of all people should know how awful and painful this is, as he just lost his own wife and kids. When you think of the perfect man for you, are these the qualities you think about? A liar? A cheater? A homewrecker? Someone with so little self esteem and self respect that instead of finding a nice single woman to love him, he chooses to seek out a woman in a broken marriage (an easy mark)? That rather than tell you to leave your husband if you really want to be with him, he instead helps you sneak around, lie, and generally do anything that will ultimately make you hate and disrespect yourself. Is that attractive in a man?

I don't say these things to be mean... you should see what a "winner" I chose to be the AP (seriously, ewwww)... but that's my point. When you finally let go of the AP and then look back at what made you feel (at the time) so empty without them... you start to realize that "empty" is exactly how you felt with them. That they lacked all substance and meaning and depth. It's like quitting drugs or alcohol and then later realizing that there was nothing "wonderful" about how that made you feel. You will see this about the AP in time.

I am just starting to read "Unbroken Brain: A Revolutionary New Way of Understanding Addiction" and so far I would recommend it. Your husband is giving you a great gift by staying and hoping to work this out. Don't waste it, and don't waste the opportunity to make changes in yourself to not only be a better person, but to be the person you have always wanted to be. An honest, decent, respectful and trustworthy person who has self-worth and pride. Be the kind of person who is safe for your husband to be with.

Keep coming back. There is a ton of support here.

Thank you for sharing.

Welcome.

I know it takes a lot of courage to put it out there.

All of the below is intended gently as possible, so keep that in mind with this limited medium.

The problem? You are using men to fill a hole in YOU just like you used drugs. You need a minute, at least to deal with your hole (and pain). It's not fair to take a full sized person with needs and stuff them in your heart or soul.

The fact that these men were, in essence, interchangeable and you have not spent one minute alone to catch your breath and get your recovery firmly established and back on track is all the proof you need.

This isn't about either of them. It's about you.

The healing library is a good place to start, it's the yellow box in the upper left hand corner of this site.

Two other good resources for you to look into are ross rosenberg on youtube, a codependent expert and self love u (jenna) which is predominately about narcissistic abuse, but she is very effective with dealing with your hole and pain which drives people toward narcissists in the first place. I'm not saying either of these men are, just saying her videos bear watching though not 100% applicable in your instance.

DaddyDom, I appreciate your input and reading your profile see a similar story. I absolutely believe this was addiction at play.

I try to view AP as an asshole who didn't care about my marriage, but that's just not the way it played out to me. He ended up leaving his wife with my encouragement so I feel guilty for that, although it was before our full blown PA there were definitely elements of EA already in place. There was definitely attraction and probably had already been voiced and reciprocated. Except when I think about the first text that started it all... That was from him. I had boundaries and never even thought of crossing them until he showed me innapropriate attention and it was off to the races. Kinda like a dealer giving you a free hit.

Well, I talked to BH tonight and it was, um, different than I'd hoped. Lots of emotions from him. But I told him it was over with AP. He doesn't believe me entirely, and in the ensuing conversation I made some small mistakes. I told him it was his decision now, and if he wanted me to go I would go, but not until he thought about it for some time. He asked where I'd go and I said I wasn't sure, we would have to figure that out. Then he asked if I'd go back to AP and I blurted out "I don't know". WRONG ANSWER.

I am doing everything I can to be honest and the question honestly surprised me. I wasn't expecting it. At this point I don't know if AP would even take me back. But when I explained to BH how AP and I jointly ended the relationship, he accused me of NOT being involved in ending it. Said AP just got tired of putting up with my shit. So when he sprung the question on me about would I go back to AP... I didn't want to point out that I doubt he'd take me back because that was already a sore spot in the conversation! I can see how hard this is going to be. I had no idea.

At one point he looked at me stone faced, when I said I would do whatever he needed, and said "the problem is that now I need nothing from you". Omg that hurt. I know he's right. He has managed to heal considerably on his own. I said, "then I will do whatever you need to feel safe with me again, if that is what you choose".

I am terrified and yet I feel like I handled it well and was honest and empathetic. I gave it my best, truly. And I will keep giving it my best until he orders me to leave. I feel a small weight has been lifted. I will do what I can and be ok knowing I did it. Here's to tomorrow.

[This message edited by unbeautiful at 11:16 PM, July 30th (Sunday)]

Smokenfire, that was perfectly gentle, no offence taken and I agree, I started back in recovery and IC so that I could fix myself because I know that is the problem. I wish I could have lived by myself but finances and children made that not an option. I think I would have been quicker to come to the conclusions i have (like things are 'concluded', right!?!) If I had been able to get away from BOTH men. But that was not to be. So, I guess now it is time to walk the walk and pray that I am able to be ok with whatever happens next. I am at my husband's mercy and it will be on his timeline if and when we start R. I will claw my way up out of this depression and do whatever it takes to be ok with me. I hope.

You have choices, it's just easier not to choose LOL, the nature of the beast.

You can "rent" a room from your spouse. If you do not currently work you could easily pick up a third shift job that would allow you to continue caring for your children and keeping your endless appointments (the program you are in). Where there's a will there's a way.

It's our nature to be victims of our circumstance so that nothing is ever our fault actually. That's how we are wired and until we step up and tell ourselves, I'm not doing this for ONE MORE FREAKING DAY, it will not change.

I know from experience that the most courageous and scary thing you will EVER do in life is own your happiness. Step up and say, I am responsible for whether or not I am happy. It's so easy to blame others right?

Tell your BH the truth, you literally have NOTHING inside to give him and he deserves better. Tell him you are willing to put in the work to change that but it will take a minute. By getting a job and paying him rent, you will be SHOWING him your intentions rather then TELLING him things he wants to her (or not as it happens sometimes).

It's going to take a minute to STOP internally jumping back and forth. For your situation, what you said was normal really. Don't let it get you down, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

It is hard to recognize that I do have options, but you're right. It is also hard to remember that I'm not the true victim because the amount of pain I self inflicted makes me want to scream that I am. I can't imagine hurting worse, really. Even when I try SO HARD to put myself in his shoes, it has been hard to fully understand the depth of his suffering. I keep trying though. One thing that hit me just this morning was that part of the reason I prolonged my A was so I wouldn't have to truly aknowledge the pain I caused. I thought I was acknowledging it, but as the fog starts to clear I am GETTING IT more and more and it's astronomical. This man should hate me with every fiber of his body and yet he still cares about me. Wtaf have I done to deserve that?!?

When I say that I am at his mercy, I mean that the chance of R is at his mercy. I know that if he chooses to move on and D that I will still have the possibility of growth from this experience. It doesn't mean my life will be over, although it sometimes feels like it. My life will just be different. I have found some solace in knowing that I will continue to do the right thing as it is revealed and that I can become better than the person I used to be.

I have been the source of my own fulfillment and happiness in the past and know I can be again. The scary thing is that before the A I thought I was happy. I didn't see any holes. They slowly grew without my acknowledgement and suddenly seemed to appear out of no where. I feel like I should already know how to fill them in, I've done it before. This should give me hope but also fills me with dread that it could happen again. (Not an A necessarily, but the unconscious deepening of holes that will swallow me up again.)

One day at a time.