SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife and I have been married 35 years. We dated several years before that. She was a virgin. We were high school sweethearts. Married after she got out of high school. Two kids. Great marriage, we were a team, she was my rock, she was my world. She still is my world. From the time we started dating until today, anytime we're in the car we're holding hands. In the last 35 years of marriage there have only been two or three nights that we did not sleep together. We have snuggled in together every single night. We owned businesses, and had two locations. She operated one I operated the other. We both worked six days a week from 9 to 5:30.

A few days ago, I found out she had an affair about 20 years ago. She would meet this fellow at a motel during the day. It happened five different times over an eight month period. He came into her store as a customer. He was handsome, and I guess he was a predator. He liked what he saw and pursued her. I have had questions about him for the last 20 years, and her answers just did not make sense. The other day I wrote her a letter telling her my concerns and I want crystal clear clarity so that I could get some peace. She wrote me a note back confessing that she did indeed have an affair. She is very remorseful, very sorry, very sad, she has answered all of my questions. She has given me every detail that I have asked for. All of this has put me in a deep dark hole. I feel less than zero, I feel bankrupt, I feel hollow, I have thought a lot about suicide. I never knew, I never had any indication, we slept together every night, we had sex on a regular basis, she always seemed to love me.

I have had to compartmentalize this in order to deal with it. The first compartment is that I feel responsible, it is the animal department. I was the lion she was my lioness, if you ever watch documentaries about lions, the lion lays under a shade tree wagging his tail watching his lioness. When another lion sneaks through the tall grass wanting to mate with his lioness, the lion jumps up and runs him off. I was not there to run him off, I would have, I could have stopped it, I should have prevented it, my wife was like a rabbit in a cage, she was trapped, she was at work and could not leave. This other lion came in winking blinking, and they ended up in a motel.

The second part that has helped me is, I have an adult son, he is sort of a man whore! He has fooled around with married women, and I've made jokes, boy you're going to get shot! I have to relate this other fellow to my son, he's just like him, just get what he wants and doesn't matter what anybody else thinks. These married women that my son has fooled wit, really meant nothing to him they were just a quickie or whatever. The married women also did not want anything from my son, it was just sex. I see that when it's someone else.

I know that my wife really loves me, and she has always loved me. I guess this guy was just a boy toy. That's the only way I can deal with it.

The thought of him touching her sweating on her makes me want to vomit. She says he never took her to dinner, he never took her out on a date, he would come by her store and they talked, and she would call him and talk, and they would meet and ride around and talk for short periods of time, somehow it lead to them going to motels on five different occasions. She says it meant nothing, she says the sex wasn't that great, she says she must have been crazy, or going through something, she does not know why or how it happened, she says she loves me and always have, and I believe it.

When I shut my eyes, I'm seeing all sorts of porn like visions of her and him. As long as I look at her and realize this happened 20 years ago, and as long as she hugs me, as long as she tells me she loves me, I am OK. But when I shut my eyes it is a living hell I am in.

I am going to make this work, I simply have to get over it, I have to deal with it, I have to put it behind me, or it will eat me up. I love this woman with all my heart, she is my everything, she is my universe. I could leave, but what good would that do? I keep telling myself I should have been watching, it was just a little skin, our relationship is bigger than his penis!

Welcome here. You'll get a lot of advice here from folks who really know what they are talking about. Take it in and decide what you need but understand you are being heard and people here care. I'm going to be gentle with just a little thing for now. I'm sure others will have a lot more to say. Please understand this is new to you. Don't let her dismiss that as a long time ago. It was for her but not for you.

You are removing too much responsibility from your wife in this equation. You compare her to a lioness in a pack and also a rabbit in a cage. Your wife is not an animal acting on instinct. A lioness is genetically programmed to have sex with the dominant, strong male. This is what ensures the best survival of the offspring and her protection. The lioness has no choice here. Your wife had a choice. The second example you use is even worse. She was not a caged animal that was preyed upon. She was a smart, independent woman that was running a business. She got into his car on her own. She went to motels on her own choice. She wasn't drugged, caged, etc. Stop right now fixating that he was a predator and she was prey. Of course he is a POS but your wife picked him.

I do think the jokes about your son's dating of married women should stop. Now that you see the devastation of this you should tell him how wrong he is to do this.

Let me ask you a few questions. How did you find out? Do you know why it ended back then?

Greetings,

Im sorry to hear of your situation -

The first question that comes to mind is have you tried donw IC or MC?

You have a lot of time invested in your marriage to throw away for sonething that happened 20 years ago - im not saying that the pain you feel is not valid - im saying that you have mentioned several good things about your marriageand your wife, she is takiing to you and answering your questions -

Be grateful for whatever reason she was able to get out of the situation - im sure she is in pain also

Get some help to deal with your issues, walk through the pain, you have made it this far, fight for your vows by removing this barrier of pain -

You know your wife loves you, you love her, she has been truthful - know that you did not deserve this, but you can make a difference by taking charge of this situation and renewing your life and marriage -

she has been truthful

Just a question here. How do you know this from what he posted? I don't see the evidence that she has been truthful. Has anything she said been verified? How did you find out? Has she admitted to only what you found out? Why did it end?

I'm not saying she hasn't been truthful. She may very well have been but I don't see how you can tell from this post.

She says it meant nothing

Jimmy1962

Women that have a great marriage and an affair are a special case. What they all have in common is that the woman doesn’t see the sex act as a big deal. What matters is the relationship and their relationship with their husband is so great that nothing can damage it. In their mind they were faithful because they never dreamed of leaving their husband.

You will her two things from them over and over and over:

1. He meant nothing.

2. I was never going to leave you.

My analogy is a person that converts to a religion where it’s a sin to eat pork. They know that they promised not to and will hurt people if caught. They will feel sorry for hurting them but they will never feel guilty about enjoying a little bacon. Because there is nothing wrong with bacon. That’s why they can act so normal during the affair. What they were doing wasn’t all that bad.

Read the following thread. It’s long so just read Spaceghost’s posts. What it boils down to (they even discussed this before marriage) is that the wife thought an emotional affair (EA) was terrible and a physical affair (PA) wasn’t all that bad. The husband was the reverse.

Spaceghost’s wife gave him an expensive present during her affair and a card telling him how much she loved him. What she was doing is celebrating their relationship and reinforcing in her own mind that the relationship was all that mattered.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=552588&AP=1&HL=

Bottom line: You're not crazy. Your marriage was great. Physical cheating was just a fun hobby that meant nothing if she came home to you.

This is what you can't wrap your mind around. Sex with her was so special and she gave it away to a guy that meant nothing. Your wife doesn't get that on a gut level.

The best you can do is ask her if she can understand why sex with her is no longer special. There is an old saying: Women give sex for love and men give love for sex. You were all in body and soul. Sex with her was a benefit of your commitment. The OM gets it for free. Doesn’t she see how you feel like a fool for paying full price.

Read Spaceghost's thread:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=552588&AP=1&HL=

[This message edited by Michigan at 12:34 PM, August 2nd (Wednesday)]

I'm sorry that you find yourself in your situation.

At this point, with the A being so distant, it's not really going to be helpful to beat the dead horse. I agree with the first poster in that your WW wasn't being preyed upon like a rabbit. She made the choice to sleep with the OM. He didn't force himself inside her; she chose it. However, does it matter at this point?

It will take time for your emotions to come back into some form of normalcy. The mind movies will continue for some time. There's no way to end them aside from allowing time and the desensitizing process to take its coarse.

It's best if you don't focus on what was but rather what is now. The OM got your WW's seconds. You got the firsts. You had the virgin; you had the best of her. The OM was just a fleeting vapor of a boy man. Sadly, kind of like your son who's disrespecting all of those married men who are out providing for their wives and children.

Focusing on what is now, your good relationship with you wife, is what's important. No amount of worrying, reasoning, or comparing will change the past. Focus on your future together and make it better than your past. Glean the wheat; leave the chaff.

Your life was going great and then you picked at it. See what happens? Honestly, here's my assessment. She fucked up back then. She did. Obviously she had no plans to leave you and she learned from this stupidity. According to you she's been a great wife for 35 years. 20 years after she fucked up. I suggest you go to individual therapy to help you get over this because you need to let it go. You've got a life worth envy. Stop picking at it.

Our businesses were like prisons. We hardly lieeft or anything, we ate lunch standing at a showcase while waiting on customers. She was stuck at a miserable job with her employees that were almost Neanderthals. We had two children, our daughter was just starting high school. she was very difficult getting into boys, and getting into drugs. My wife would come home after a hard day at work and have to do laundry and clean house. I left her at her workplace, I never went out there. I could have, I could have took her a cup of coffee or sweet tea, I could have just gone in and checked in from time to time just to say hi. If I had came in and saw that guy there I would have ran him off. I am sure he made her feel young beautiful and special. He was an escape from her humdrum mess she was in and could not escape. I know she is it at fault. But I have to get over this. Once I let her know that I wanted to know, she told me. She told me everything. She has been truthful, and remorseful, and sorry. I know her well, she is my wife, she is truly sorry, she is truly remorseful, and she is telling me the truth. She is not telling me "oh that was a long time ago". I know it was a long time ago. I know she's been faithful always except for this one time. But I know looking at this from some outside point of view, it was a long time ago, she could have left at any time and did not, she truly loves me and always has, she made a mistake and she is sorry for it. And it is just a little skin.

She says the sex was cold and empty. She had never had sex with anyone except me. She says that she did not love him and he did not love her. She said she does not know why or how it happened she says she must have been crazy. I personally think he was handsome, he was built good, he made her feel good about herself and I think he was just a boy toy for a little while. My experience watching my son, he does not care about these women, and the women do not care about him. And I know that if these women's husbands found out they would be devastated. I have spoke to my son about this and he agrees that it's ugly but he's also explained to me how it works, and my wife just fell into that I suppose. This fellow had nothing to offer her. He was also married with a child, he didn't make much money, had no material possessions to speak of. Just a boy toy.

[This message edited by Jimmy1962 at 12:41 PM, August 2nd (Wednesday)]

That is the right attitude. Life isn't black and white. Good people do stupid and cruel things some times. What you have to judge her by are her actions as your wife/best friend. I think you're going to be fine. If you need help letting it go you can talk to a therapist. That's not as scary as a lot of people think. Talk to a pastor if you like. I would advise against you coming to sites like this. You'll find some good advice but also a lot of projection from people still crushed by what has happened to them. A lot of it very fresh. My own betrayal was over 10 years ago. It was unimaginably horrible but I got over it. I can speak a little more objectively. Actions are far more important than words in life and your wife has shown you very positive actions.

You're not alone in this. Other's have been through finding out historic cheating too, and they've made it through and they're fine now.

As I said earlier, focus on now. Her cheating had nothing to do with you or how you treated her. You did nothing wrong. She made her choice at the time and has since been 100% with you. That tells you that the OM was fleeting and wasn't as good as you. She chose to stay with you over him.

You both have a great future together. You've worked, and built, and created together. You have a lot to look forward to. Make the most of it. The pain of this will subside over time, and you will be better and stronger because of it.

I, too, had my sh!t sandwich served twenty plus years later. It's hard to wrap your head around it as the pain is like it happened today, but it didn't! How can you cope? The other guy is long gone (maybe dead as hell, like in my case). Will she offer up a name?

You are in for a long haul of hurt, I'm afraid, and I wish you the very best while healing. My D-Day was over two years ago and there are still days...

The only thing we have in common is a grandson. Other than that, I could walk out the door today and not look back. She says we have a history; we do, a history of lies. Her FN lies.

So I don't want to sound like I don't think you can get through this because I think you can. You are in probably the best place to get through this of anyone that I have heard on here. I'm not sure I would focus too much on whether or not everything she is telling you is absolutely true but I wouldn't trust that it was. Doesn't really seem to matter to you so maybe it is no big deal but all I was trying to say is that I wouldn't completely buy it because later if you find out it was not it will send you for a tailspin. With it being so long ago, memories fade, things get forgotten, etc. I would just assume that you know enough, there is likely more, but you're not going to go pain shopping. If she is remorseful and you really feel it then you guys can make it. Good luck.

Jimmy,

You are in a good spot for R, given your wife's confession, that it happened 20 years ago, and that she is apparently remorseful.

However....you need to stop making excuses for her. Stop focusing on the OM. Stop obsessing about how you could have prevented it. Even if you could have prevented it; you shouldn't have had to. She did it because she wanted to. She hid it from you for 20 years. And now, the thought has to have crossed your mind; are there other OM's she didn't tell you about? Your wife is not the saint you thought she was.

And even though it happened 20 years ago, it's fair to ask yourself this question. What would you have done if you had found out then instead of now? Whatever your answer is, keep in mind that her 20 years of deceit robbed you of the chance to make that decision.

Bottom line is; if you decide to R, you better make damn sure she demonstrates genuine remorse. She doesn't deserve for this to be swept under the rug.

[This message edited by badmemory at 1:34 PM, August 2nd (Wednesday)]

I sort of knew the other guy. He was a policeman. He came in my store wanting to sell a motorcycle, and we had just opened my wifes store. I told him to take it to her and she would sell it for him on consignment, and we would not charge him anything, we would give him all the money. I sent him to her. I was trying to help him, and then he puts the make on my wife. I believe he came in for at least a year before they ever got together. He is known to chase the women. This guy has been married three times and divorced while he was married he cheated on all of his wives. I suppose if some knockout girl was hitting on me I would like it. I see where I may end up in a motel with another woman for a quickie. But it would not mean anything to me much. Just some good sex. I would not want to throw my life, my wife away. I really feel she made a mistake and I know she is truly sorry for it. This is absolutely the only time it's ever happened . I have no doubt about her faithfulness. I asked about this and she has told me. She also has tried to not leave anything out so as nothing else comes up about this. She does not want to get caught in a lie she's told me that. She does not want to leave anything out, she has really racked her brain trying to piece together what happened 20 years ago for me. She told me she is not leaving anything out because she does not want to ever get caught lying to me again. She has never told a soul about this until right before she told me she told our son.

Please don't minimize the work you both have to do here to get past this. While the A is 20 years old for her it is fresh to you.

Do you both still work in the same situation? If so you should have frank discussions about boundaries going forward.

Get the book "Not Just Friends" and read it together.

Also it is her responsibility to help you heal from this. She should get "How to help my spouse heal from my affair" and read it.

You probably both could benefit from counseling. Just trying to forget about it will make it fester and get worse.

Tell her she needs to prove her faithfulness every day going forward for the rest of your lives for you to stay with her.

This is absolutely the only time it's ever happened . I have no doubt about her faithfulness. I asked about this and she has told me.

Oh, I see. You have no doubt because she told you she didn't.

This is what you wrote in your original post:

I have had questions about him for the last 20 years, and her answers just did not make sense.

So after lying to you for 20 years, you now accept everything from her as the gospel truth.

Maybe she is telling the truth or maybe she isn't. There is no way you can be certain based on what she tells you. Anyone capable of having an affair, is certainly capable of lying about an affair. In fact, that is the default for a cheater.

That is one of the crosses that we BS's bare. We will always know what our CS's are capable of. My WS told me that she only had one A. (We've been in R for 6 years). It's very possible it was only one A, but I damn sure wouldn't swear to it. Just like I can't be positive she won't have another one. Because I now know what she is capable of and I'll never forget it.

Look, if R is the best outcome for you, I wish you the best. Just go into it with one eye open.

[This message edited by badmemory at 4:43 PM, August 15th (Tuesday)]

The red pill would have a field day with this story. Your a good man and it seems like everyone is giving you a positive spin to keep you from hurting more. An earlier comment said that this isn't comparable to lioness because she has no choice but to sleep with the alpha male... actually that is exactly what this is. I don't mean to pile on but I don't think you can heal properly until you face the truth and know exactly what was happened.

So you think sex multiple times over a drawn out period was a mistake? You think she kept going back to a hotel with him because the sex was bad? You really think he meant nothing? Tell me what you think would have happened if he made real play for your wife? To actually be with her. When she says it meant nothing... it just meant nothing to him. This took planning and anticipation. She got dressed to gotonwork hoping he would show up. You think a busy married woman with kids Makes time and takes risks over and over for "cold, emotionless, bad sex"? Come on man.

She had a textbook emotional affair as well. She lied to you everyday for 20 years... now she says she's "sorry." every WW says That when they get caught. Shit... she is still lying... about everything. She took away your most basic right to makes choices about your own life. There are a million more things you don't know...

[This message edited by brandnewwhammy at 2:29 PM, August 2nd (Wednesday)]

I had always said that if she ever had an affair our marriage would be over, I would drop her like a hot potato. I have always said that it's just something that I would not take and could not get over. When she told me about it she was ready to move out. She was going to move because she thought that I would want her to. I always said I would not put up with that and she knew I wouldn't so she was going. I said "well I felt that way before it happened to me, and now that it's happened to me, I feel different". Her moving out was the last thing I wanted. I was in a dark place, And she was my only light. I told her if anyone moved out it would be me, I would be moving to an urn. She is so so sorry for the hurt she has caused me. We had a fantastic marriage since day one till now. But if you take out that little part that I'm just finding out about, Then we had a great 15 year marriage before that. And we have had a fantastic marriage the last 20 years after that. There was only a 8 or 10 month rough spot that I did not know anything about. I'm a big photography buff, constantly taking pictures everywhere all the time. I've been looking back through photos taken during this time period. Everything was great. When I found out and after looking through our photos and reflecting back on our marriage, I jokingly asked if maybe she had got on drugs? I know she hadn't but it just was so out of character for her. And this guy is not her type at all, there is nothing refined or classy, about him. We are now retired and have been for a while even though we're fairly young. Right now she's 52 and I'm 55. We were sitting pretty good at that time, we had an airplane, yacht, cigarette boat, she had more jewelry than that she could swim with. I think she just wanted a boy toy. That is the only thing I can come up with that makes any sense. She could have left me, and she could have moved in with this guy if she wanted to, and she could have set them up pretty good because she would have got half of everything we owned which like I said was quite a bit at the time.

Something else that I have not mentioned, my wife on a scale of 1-10 is a strong 15! She is smart, she is a good person, and beautiful. I am one lucky guy!

I'll say this one more time then get off my microphone. Do not rug sweep this. It is impacting and will take a lot of work by both of you to get past it. But if you do the work you can get past it.

If you just ignore it and forget it and move on without doing significant therapy and reading and discussing then you'll end up building it up and exploding down the line

Set up IC for each of you. Get the suggested books and do the reading.

Your marriage will be different now, but it still can be good. You have to acknowledge and mourn what you both have lost.

You have lost the person you thought she was. You have lost the ability to ever completely trust her again.

She has lost the faith that you had willingly given her all these years. She has lost your trust. Most impacting she has lost some or perhaps all of the pride you had calling her your wife.

How much of these things she has lost depend on your mind and heart and are involuntary reflexes and emotions. You don't get to decide how much trust and pride you have lost for her, it will just happen and you will both have to learn to live with that going forward.

Please don't sweep this under the rug. Do the work and you can find yourselves a new normal which is still a good one.

My wife on a scale of 1-10 is a strong 15! She is smart, she is a good person, and beautiful. I am one lucky guy!

Okay, I'll take one more crack at this.

You are a not lucky guy - remember, you just found out that your wife betrayed you. You just found out she is not the person you thought she was. That 8 month period that you are so quick to minimize, is the stuff divorces are made of.

You are going to need a 25 foot ladder to get her off the pedestal you have put her on and I can already see the dust in the air from the rug sweeping you're starting.

[This message edited by badmemory at 3:15 PM, August 2nd (Wednesday)]