SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After my WW described her AP and how he made her feel mentally as well as physically you just go to shit about everything you thought she saw in you in every was.. Now your not hot, attractive, sexually more than anyone else ect..ect..

Now they swear up and down that you are way better in every way possible and always were. You look at them and just claim BS to their face. They cheated for those reasons and now say different. I just cant believe a person who lied about everything. Who would give themselves 100% in ways they never would for you to another person who didn't really care about them and whom they only liked a lot but didn't love nor want anything else from them... Makes me feel less than trash..dying inside about it all.

They didn't cheat because the AP was better. They cheated because something is wrong with them. The AP is always a piece of shit!

The AP was able to fill a void.

My wife's AP was a fat balding out of shape police officer. I'm a 2nd degree black belt who was in excellent shape at the time.

Talk about a hit to the ego...

You have to realize it's not about you.

You are actually the prize in this situation!

I ca.n get that side of it, He wasn't really good looking at all but she found him really attractive. He did have a bit bigger penis than me but couldn't get her off (so she says). He was skinny but in better shape then me. To me those are the main reason she wanted him so bad. Yes he made her feel wanted, desired and lusted for but from how she describes it, it just feels like more than she plays it to be. I know people say you cant compete with what he gave but that's the thing..no matter what I did/tried to do for her it was never enough. Not even our kids were enough for her to stop.. These things are what keep me held down and having the feeling of still drowning. I don't think anyone wants to know they were no completion compaired to the AP.

I felt like that AT FIRST. Then I saw OW. What a hog! I am so far better than she ever was. She remains an opportunistic loser who thought she could BJ her way to a man. Guess what ??! Didn't happen. It was a totally selfish act on both their parts. Stroking the ego among other things. FWH self esteem issues plus marital stress and she wanted a sugar daddy. Too bad we are poor. They had to hook up in the park and parking lots in Jan and Feb!! Sad and pathetic. Don't ever let their fantasy life make you feel less than what you are. They are the problem not you.

I'm a 56 yo Scot and my Wife's AP was was a 34 yo Mexican gardener, so yeah.... I feel your pain.

Mine after the first sexually encounter drove him from his hotel to the airport. Then the second time she actually paid for the flight and hotel to be with him in the state he lived in..he meant so much to her she didn't care he didn't even offer her lunch or even a soda during their sex fest..

OM's in my case were all pretty obviously inferior to me, so I am actually not losing any sleep about her opinion of me. I'm actually struggling with my disgust of her that she would pick such low-hanging fruit to try and fill her "void". I mean really, couldn't you try a little harder? One guy was a janitor that was missing teeth, one guy was 20 years older, one guy was a neckbeard video-gamer, and they were all married with children. Yuck. Only one guy looked decent and had a good job, and he dumped her ass like a hot potato.

They always downplay it. What can they say, "yea he was really good in bed, I orgasmed like 10 times and his dick was soooooo big!" They likely won't say that if they have any dreams of reconciling. Then again, he could have been a dud, but you will never know either way. Best not to dwell on it, it will only drive you crazy.

The biggest turnon was probably the taboo of the affair. She was being a bad girl, you know. Its kind of sick, how you are sort of used for them to get off with their AP. Disturbing, actually...

I KNOW I am better than them. Smarter, kinder, best f**k he'll ever have, and without a big gaping hole in my soul. His bulls**t is irrelevant.

(this is half affirmation since I don't always believe it)

Hers dumped here after his wife miscarried. He was the smart one. He found worth in his family finally..she didn't care..The A was over for a full month before I confronted her with everything due to his wife..Had he not dumped her they would still be together actually. making contact

A very common trait among cheaters is the ability to compartmentalize their emotions. It's one of their coping mechanisms that allows them have affairs which they know are wrong and horribly cruel.

She's right in both instances. She loved every second with the other dude and all her gushing over him was very real to her, she felt those things. When she says you're the superior man and she loves you and wants to be with you she's also telling the truth. She feels those things too.

The two opposing viewpoints don't collide in her mind because she keeps them completely separate. She compartmentalizes them.

You can't understand it because you're normal and don't compartmentalize like this. Once she gets mental help from an IC and unravels her mind's fucked up ability to compartmentalize then it'll hit her like a ton of bricks. Seriously, I've seen WS's go suicidal at that point when they become coherent again and realize the gravity of what they've done.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 2:34 PM, August 3rd (Thursday)]

I'm actually struggling with my disgust of her that she would pick such low-hanging fruit to try and fill her "void".

This^^^^

she found him really attractive.

No, that's not true. What she found was somebody who fed into her dysfunction and that's like crack to a drug addict.

Another thing that I struggle with even now is If I'm so good, why the need to buy a sex toy to use that was closer to his size to pleasure herself. Why did she continue to make our sex life so bad but make theirs so much more better and go out of her way to do so. Just to keep punishing me and letting me know how disgusting and worthless I was.

No, that's not true. What she found was somebody who fed into her dysfunction and that's like crack to a drug addict.

But she still claims she found him very attractive and really like him so much.

You're trying to find logic in something that has none.

A WS's logic will never make sense to us.

I don't care if I'm uglier, fatter, smaller or whatever. I just know I'm the better man.

But she still claims she found him very attractive and really like him so much.

To me, it sounds like she isn't actually remorseful yet. A remorseful WS would see the OM for what he actually is and not the "fantasy" she thought he was.

I prob said it wrong in my last stamen. She refers to him in a past tense. Not that means much to me in my heard at all.

[This message edited by Texashunter41 at 2:50 PM, August 3rd (Thursday)]

My now ex WW was dumped by the OM also. She would have kept the A going indefinitely but his BS found out and gave him an ultimatum; he ended it. My ex WW even showed up at his place of work afterward asking if he was sure that he wanted to end it. He told her not to contact him anymore.

Once I was informed by the OBS, my WW said all the things that yours is saying; it wasn't good, she wanted to end it, never wanted sex, he wasn't handsome, didn't know what came over her, it was a mistake, worst time of her life, etc. She lied ad nauseum.

I then went through all the questions and struggles that you're having. I didn't know about this site at the time, but common sense told me that my WW was full of sh**. I also sat down with the OM and his BS and talked about the A. I asked pointed questions and the conversation gave me more insight into what transpired.

I determined that my WW liked the attention he provided; 3,200 texts a month along with phone calls. She also liked his size and stamina. While I was at work, she was meeting with him for sex 3 and 4 times a week. She was addicted to him sexually and emotionally.

This caused me to question my worth, my abilities, my looks, everything about myself. I was in a black-hole depression for 13 months.

But over a period of months during that depression I remembered back to who I was when I was single. I remembered how care-free and happy I was back then. And at some point I determined that the only way that I was going to get out of this mental mess was to remove her from my life. I considered the kids, and even sat down and explained to them what had happened and what they thought about it.

In the end they were on-board with D and the biggest weight I've ever experienced was lifted when the final D papers came in the mail. I've been able to heal and move on, and my kids are happy and doing well. It was scary as hell at the time and I'm so glad I pushed through it.

As long as you're living with a cheater you will not get peace. You've got to separate her from you and find yourself again. I feel bad for you because I know what you're going through and what you're likely thinking. It's gut wrenching pain over and over again. You've got to save yourself for the good of your kids and yourself. You've got to mentally and physically separate her from you. You've got to put away what was and focus on the positive aspects of what is and what will be your future. Take care of yourself.

Texas,

I know this has hurt you hugely, but perhaps you need to step back a bit and question your wife's judgement about any aspect of the whole sad and sleazy affair.

Your wife did a monumentally dangerous thing in hooking up with a stranger from the internet who could have murdered her in a hotel room. That sh*t happens. She has three kids and she put herself in a situation where some Ted Bundy wannabe that she knows nothing about could have killed her for kicks. Is that a person with good judgement?

She did a monumentally dangerous thing in having unprotected sex with some low-life turd who was happy to betray his pregnant wife by having sex with someone else's wife. She could have caught HIV, herpes, or who knows what else, but she was fine with that. She had no idea who else he was having sex with, or how many of them there were. Is that a person with good judgement?

She let a sleazy reptile make several movies of her, with absolutely no idea of whether or not he was going to share them with his buddies or put them on the internet. Is that a person with good judgement?

She thought that clown was worth risking losing her husband and family for, and abandoning her dignity, self-respect, and integrity for. Is that a person with good judgement?

And finally, if she honestly thinks that a piece of bottom-feeding trash like him was any kind of man at all, I ask again, is that a person with good judgement?

Texas, the person whose opinion you should be concerned with here is your own. You know you are a good man, you know you are an honorable man, and I am sure that you have nothing to worry about in the bedroom department or the realm of being a man that women would be attracted to. The problem here is that you are bashing yourself because of the opinions of someone who has proven they have no judgement whatsoever. Step back from that. Just don't go there. You are not in a race or a competition with that guy. Whatever your wife saw in him was a product of her obviously extremely poor judgement, so use your better judgement about yourself and don't even think of any comparisons with that crumb.

[This message edited by M1965 at 3:52 PM, August 3rd (Thursday)]