SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you all again for your compassion and your words of encouragement. I really appreciate it!

If there is one piece of advice for any new BS's reading my thread, it is sticking to strict NC. I can't emphasize enough how helpful that has been for me. I wish STBX would text me less, but she has somehow found something relating to the kids to text me about every day since I've left. I still feel connected to her in some way, but not seeing, or talking to her has been invaluable for my sanity.

ohforanewme, thank you for your kind words! Lucky for me, I absolutely have no attachment to our home, and the sale of it has evoked nothing in me. Actually, one of the best decisions I made was to be the first to move out, so that I'm not the one to be the last to leave it. That may have been tough, but I'm feeling settled in my new place, and it's feeling a lot like home.

I have a BIG night ahead of me this evening. I'm meeting OBS for the first time. It should be interesting...

-Arb

It's so great to read such an awesome update. You just leave us wanting more!

I'm so happy for you! Be sure and tell us how your meeting with the OBS goes tonight!

Are you have to post about your meeting with OBS as soon as you’re done. I can’t wait to hear how it goes!

Remember, be as antiseptic as possible. You are not here for revenge. Go in with the mindset of a neighborly friend who needs to deliver some news. You may want to print out a few of your posts from here to give yourself structure.

You will do awesome! You’re making an effort to save another person’s life tonight. That makes you one of the good guys

Arb,

How did you come to meet with obs?

Are they still together? I had assumed she was unconcerned about her wh's behavior. At any rate, keep us posted.

Separately, glad you consider your new home 'home'. Nothing but good things to follow.

there is one piece of advice for any new BS's reading my thread, it is sticking to strict NC. I can't emphasize enough how helpful that has been for me. I wish STBX would text me less, but she has somehow found something relating to the kids to text me about every day since I've left. I still feel connec

If you're smart you'll put that in place permanently.

Over time you'll get stronger and she'll become a very distant bad memory.

A good thing.

You can coparent well without any connection plus you won't give your kids false hope

Before I get to the details of my meeting with OBS, there was an incident that happened about a month ago that I haven’t mentioned. I was walking up the street from our house to catch public transport to work, and that walk passes by STBX’s clinic. I watched POSOM drive back and forth in front it. STBX was suppose to be working there that day.

My meeting with OBS was absolutely horrible! I wish I never went. I realize that it’s none of my business, but she is in complete denial, and rug sweeping the shit out of the situation. What I realized yesterday, was that POSOM is a class A con artist, who conned both STBX and OBS.

She was already there when I arrived. I sat down and told her that I’m sorry that we both find ourselves in this situation. I offered to take her through the timeline, and she agreed. She pulled out a note book, and asked if it was ok for her to take notes, I said sure. As I started to talk, I immediately got the feeling from her that I needed to prove everything I was telling her! She interrupted me often, and would ask how I knew what I was saying to be a fact. I found that to be very annoying. Here I was pouring my heart out to her, telling her everything that I know, and it felt to me that she was defending POSOM. When I explained to her that anything I tell her will get to STBX, she looked dumbfounded, and said how? I looked at her in disbelief, and said because POSOM tells STBX everything! I think she believes POSOM because he assured her that they are not in contact.

I told her about the Christmas miracle. She asked me what the miracle was, I said I had no idea, but I asked her back what she thought POSOM’s one wish was, and she said she didn’t know. I said, what do you think a guys one wish might be, she still didn’t know! I then told her about the Pinterest page that’s full of naked woman, she asked how I knew that it was his, I said because it has his email address on it! she said she had no idea about it. I told her that I found it, and showed it to STBX, who later asked POSOM to take it down and he did.

I told her that throughout the affair, I constantly asked STBX if OBS knew that they were seeing each other on a regular basis. And she said she did know. OBS told me that she never knew, she had no idea that any of this was going on. I then told her about the roaming incident in front of the clinic mentioned above, and her reply was, how did I know that it was him, there are many cars like the one he’s driving. That’s when I lost it internally, but stayed completely calm on the outside. I told her that his face and license plate are imprinted in my brain forever!

Unfortunately, at that point, I started to berate POSOM to her, while staying completely calm. I told her that I’ve yet to meet a bigger scumbag than him. I asked her what decent human being would shake my hand and pretend to be my friend, and then two days later send an I love you book with my wife on my family vacation? I think I must have called him a scumbag a dozen times after that. I also told her that he has the blood of my boys on his hands.

In the end, I said to her that STBX has huge money in the bank, and is single now. She should take that and think about it. And finally told her (which I regret very much), that all the Moms at that school will know that POSOM is a predator and a scumbag. She was visibly shaken, and urged me to take the high road, but can understand why I might do something like that. I gave her the copy of the book that I brought, which she took and put away in her bag without looking at.

As we parted, I asked her if she has any intention to stay in touch, and let me know of anything that would be of interest to me, she said she highly doubts it, because: “we don’t have a relationship together”.

I will admit that I fucked up. I let my emotions get the better of me. I also realize now that I had a hidden agenda, I want POSOM to burn, I want the motherfucker to suffer. But OBS wasn’t giving me any of that. I also didn’t appreciate that she wasn’t sharing anything with me, it was all one sided.

Please don’t be hard on me, I’m feeling like absolute shit this morning. All I need are words of encouragement at this point. This hell will end. I’m determined to make it end. And maybe last night was the last nail in the coffin of my old life.

-Arb

Arb, you did fine, trust me. I was one of those spouses that staunchly defended his wife in the face of evidence.

I was a fool and so is she...but I woke up, and she may also some day.

You did your part and cannot be faulted for that, just keep moving on and you’ll be fine.

I have a hunch that you may hear from her again eventually.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 6:55 AM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

I think your reaction to the meeting was normal. I don't think you were out of line. I would say you handled it quite well.

I think you are right and the OBS is in denial, as she doesn't want to lose her M. However, you did her a great favor. I suspect that she will probably look at the book later and realize it is her WH handwriting and that will be eye opening for her. I suspect that she was working hard to keep herself together and not allow herself to accept what you were saying in public. In private may be a different matter.

You did the right thing and you should feel good for doing it. You have no control over the POSOM and OBS relationship. What they do is up to them.

I agree that you should warn other parents at the school that the guy is a predator and likes to take advantage of people and he is a liar.

Arb,

It took you months to accept facts. Just understand she’s just been presented with....a lot. We all process things differently. She needs some time to disgest what she was given.

It’s not surprising that she was defensive about exposure. Six months ago so were you.

You absolutely did an amazing job. She knows now. You can only control your own fortune.

Did she see the ‘book’?

Hey Arb

Have to head to work so just a quick note to say that just because her immediate reaction wasn’t what you wanted doesn’t mean that she didn’t absorb anything and won’t eventually use it against her POS H.

You never know how people will react over time, especially someone you don’t really know. After it starts to sink in, all he has done, it may start to come together in her mind.

Anyway, it was good at least she agreed to meet, and you can only control your side of things, which it sounds like you did rather well externally.

From this point forward it’s all on her. Now go back to focusing on you. You don’t owe anybody anything except your kids, and you’re doing a great job at that.

Take care. Do something special for yourself today. It’s ok to do that every now and then.

You did fine. You can’t make her get out of denial. That has to come from her

ARB, you shouldn't beat yourself up (or have ANY regrets) on how you handled that meeting. Wanting to see the POS OM burn is totally understandable.

That said you did what you were supposed to do (telling OBS).

Very interesting that you saw this POS at your wife's work. My only concern moving forward would be if this scumbag leaves his wife and winds up dating your wife and him being around your kids.

Speaking of your kids...,,,how are your boy's doing? It broke my heart when you had to tell them, and your one son started crying and said, "but I want to be with you daddy".

At the end of the day, after all of this BS, your two boy's well being are THE most important thing.

ARB, I am proud of you my friend!!!

I pray that this new journey you are on will bring you happiness.

Arb, I truly understand where you are coming from. When I told the OBS, I was accused of making it all up. To the extent of creating fake emails going back 8 months.

I'm pretty good, but not that good. I gave her all the proof. It didn't matter.

You and I did the right thing. Now it's up to them.

You did fine. She's in full denial.

The writing is on the wall--or rather in the book. Time will prove you right.

Look forward to your wonderful future, and leave the three kooks behind. I'm a firm believer in karma.

Separately, how are the kids?

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 8:30 AM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

Hi Arbuom

You did really well in the engagement with the OBS.

I know how tough that is. At least it did not take you over a year to get up the courage to do it. (As it might have taken some of us, and then only after being called out by the SI crew)

In my case the initial reaction was similar to what you seem to have gotten, only much more aggressively defendant of her H. Saw me as the enemy of the M. Not him.

After a while, she came around, once there was strong, irrefutable evidence.

There is a chance that, once the reality begins to sink in, she might need to make contact again. Be prepared for it , and to support her through it, but don't be upset if it never happens. You can sleep easy knowing that you have again proven yourself to be an honourable man , who is not afraid to do the right thing.

Hope that as you move forward from this you begin to get back to that happier place you were at after moving into your new place

You did well. That's a very difficult conversation to have. I still recall feeling very nervous when I reached out to OBS, and like your situation, she responded by coming up with excuses and explanations for everything that I presented to her. You have done her a huge favor, although she didn't yet realize it at the moment you were meeting. In time, she probably will appreciate that you shared your experience and information with her, but whether she does or does not -- that is beyond your control. It took guts to meet with her, you should absolutely feel good about yourself for having done it.

arbuom, in my situation I was that OBS. The OM's wife called to meet me and we did. She presented me with pages and pages of printouts of the WW and OM's texts, chats, emails. I, too, was in denial. I didn't want to believe it. I questioned the OM's wife like the OBS questioned you. All I can tell you is don't take it personal how she reacted. She is in denial for now until that evidence she has from you starts to sink in. Give it time. You did the right thing by telling her. It is up to her to do what she will with that info. I think the copy of that book is the key. She will read it. She will try to analyze the meaning behind the words, the phrases. She will try every rationalization she can think of to excuse the POSOM. She will probably show it to family or other close friends for their input, their interpretation. They will deliver 2x4's to her.

Just give it time. Be available if she calls you again. Be calm and emphathetic.

In my case, I showed the printouts to my WW. The shock on her face alone told me what I really needed to know. I will forever remember her first reaction to me - "I'm sorry you had to find out this way." But, to this day she denies there was ever an affair...despite the evidence. The POSOM has but one defense - deny, deny, deny. I think that book is going to paint his ass right into a corner. I think the OBS is going to interrogate him over and over, again and again, for as long as they stay together...which may not be long from now. In my case the POSOM was interrogated this way by the BW until he finally cracked and told her in a public restaraunt "Yeah I fucked her! I fucked her in our house. I fucked her in their house. I fucked her in her car, my car, and any place we could meet and do it!" It may not feel like it right now, but for the OM in your situation his own consequences are already being set in motion.

When I told the OBS,he didn't believe me right away. He thought that my STBXH made it up to get back at OW who was/is a COW. I contacted him once after to see how he is doing and he never responded. That's fine by me. Not my job to make him believe me. I know he did some investigating but don't know what the outcome was.

You did the right thing Arbuom whether the OBS believes you or not. You have satisfied your moral mandate. I doff my chapeau to you.

Sometimes, in the eagerness to offer an important part of resolution - telling the OBS - the fact that (initially at least) the information may not be welcomed is often left out. The OBS can indeed be a valuable ally and source of information . . . but that is far from guaranteed, and that is NOT the main reason for sharing one's information.

The primary and best reason (in my opinion) is for health . . . hers and the general public for that matter, to help prevent the spread of STD's. The second reason is (usually) because if the roles were reversed, you would want to know. After those two reasons is the possibility that the OBS can be an ally in sharing information and getting you out of infidelity. Finally, trailing the others, is for revenge or to hurt the OM or OW. This is valid, though arguably not necessarily a 'good' or 'healthy' reason.

Concentrate on the first two reasons . . . which are the right reasons . . . and hope for (but don't count on) the third.

I believe you did the right thing, and you should have no regrets on that account. The only reason I can think of not to tell is if you determine for a FACT (NOT something claimed by the OM or OW), that the OBS is seriously unstable. In such a case, it might be wise to relay the information to a relative of the OBS, or to a professional that is treating them.

[This message edited by c24j at 7:31 PM, November 15th (Wednesday)]