SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"I asked her to leave every night from here on out and not to come home until the next morning".

Bardo IMO you are supporting/enabling her affair by allowing her to go and come as she likes. Granted she wants out of the marriage and you now want the same. However you are giving her "permission" carte blanche.... no consequences and your 7 year old who is aware that something is going on between you two will remember what you did. Yes your WW is determined to throw all of her nasty behavior/disrespect in in your face and in your children's face, but you don't have to fall for it. She should not be allowed to go and come as she pleases regardless of how she feels towards you/the marriage. Don't ever lose your self respect in the process (she has lost hers) and bear in mind that you need to teach or show this to your two sons as their father.

breadfruit1 thank you, but I'm unclear what you're suggesting I should do. I AM doing that, asking her not to come and go as she pleases, that if she's going to go to him, go and don't come home until the next morning. It's hard to explain but otherwise it is like psychological torture for me; knowing where she is and WAITING for her to come home, then listening to her taking a bath downstairs, knowing what she did. This is all I can think of to retain my sanity so that I can do the most important thing right now, which is to focus on my two boys and shield them from this as much as I can.

You need to investigate the OM. He's married. Otherwise,she wouldn't have come home last night at all

Expose the affair to friends, family, and most of all, his wife. Don't warn her, or he will tell his wife you're crazy, abusive, dangerous,etc, and she won't listen to you.

This isn't going to be a nice divorce. In order for that, there would need to be little animosity. And you would have to trust her to be fair, do what she says she will, and be reasonable. You're assuming she won't pull this,or that, because you're basing all if that on who you thought she was,who you want her to be. This is who she is. She's a liar,a cheater, and a shitty mother right now. She is purposely destroying the father of her children. She's exposing them to STDs. She's throwing their family away for another man. And she's a drunk. If you think your kids haven't been affected by that, then you're blind. They know. And she drove them when intoxicated,at least once. That's a lousy mother. She may love them..but she's not caring for them. You can't drink from the time she's off work,until she goes to bed, and be a good parent. After work,before bed, is basically the time she's with the kids. No. Just no.

File. Get your own attorney. File for full custody based on the fact that she's an alcoholic. Get a voice activated recorder and keep it on you all the time. Once she realizes she can't control you, she will become even more dangerous.

But..yes..he's married. His wife deserves to know. And the chances of him throwing your wife under the bus is very high.

Also,don't lie to your kids. They're smart. They know. Next time tell them the truth..mom broke a very important promise she made to you and you're hurt and angry

It doesn't seem very amicable to me. Have you both sat down and talked about how to split everything and how custody will work? I really do suggest you see a lawyer and do this right with kids and all. You can do a No Contest Divorce if you both can come to agreement. If not, however, it could get expensive and nasty. Check out the divorce forum for guidance. The sooner you get this D ball rolling, the sooner you are out of this IHS shitshow.

I think your demand of her staying out if she is going to spend time with lover boy very reasonable. But there is also very little you can do if she ignores your request. IHS sucks, that's why it imperative to get the D ball rolling sooner rather than later if she won't move out.

What can you do in the meantime? No contact unless it relates to kids or getting the divorce moving along. No more arguing about lover boy or where she is going, no more chit chat about her day, if she starts that stare through her like a ghost and move along. The less you see or speak to her the better, unless it pertains to getting her ass out of the house quicker. After shes gone, it gets way easier. Look forward to that!

Good luck and keep updating.

[This message edited by Randy1133 at 9:07 AM, September 6th (Wednesday)]

Randy1133 good and reasonable advice, thank you! I am so looking forward to her moving out and beginning to heal. We have discussed an agreement. She says with utter conviction that she only wants what I can afford and nothing more. 50/50 custody. YES, I know at any time she can lawyer up and make this way worse. Believe me, I am prepared for that. But she does have some guilt right now, doesn't seem like much, but I have to do this soon while she's still somewhat reasonable.

Yes, she's in guilt mode and will give you whatever you want to get the divorce over quickly. Use this to your advantage!! Get a deal drafted up this week from an attorney and have her sign it.

She's been lying for a long time. This affair has been going on for months, maybe longer.

Does she work? Most affair partners are co-workers.

I'd plant a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) in her car and snoop to get more info. If she has bluetooth, you'll hear their conversations. You can also buy a GPS on Amazon for $50 with a $25/m charge to track her vehicle real time. You'll find out where they are meeting and be able to see who OM is.

Time to get pissed. Time to find out who OM is. But you won't use this information to expose until the divorce is finalized. You are using this for leverage in case she changes her mind about giving you a more than fair divorce. If she starts to get greedy, you have an A up your sleeve and can "threaten" to expose unless she goes with the original divorce plan.

Once the divorce is finalized and you made out like a bandit, then you expose to the entire world and blow her/his world! You also tell your kid the truth.

You can do this!!

[This message edited by GuyInColorado at 9:44 AM, September 6th (Wednesday)]

GuyInColorado but isn't that pointless? If I gather the evidence to expose it (and I'm 99% sure he's not married), and she changes her mind later and tries to get more money, the courts don't care! Most states (including mine) are no fault divorce. Infidenlity makes a difference in alimony, but not in assets/child support. She's not getting alimony because in my state that requires a 10yr marriage (ours was 6). Why would she care if I exposed, she'd already be out in the open with her new boyfriend!

bardo,

You have to get yourself into a position so you can function as a parent and in your job. Do these three things to get yourself some semblance of control. Right now she has all the power.

1. Have you been to your doc? You need sleep to restore yourself to some extent for the next day. Get on top of this ASAP, be honest w/your doc about depression and any repetitive thoughts you are having. There is no shame in getting medical help. It is a sign of self respect.

2. Read about the 180. Practice it. Read it again. It *will* help you get your feet back under yourself. It begins to give you a measure of control over yourself so you are not foundering.

3. Google "Grey Rock". it is related to the 180.

Fight for your family. That is you and your child. Detach from her. Spend your time and energy on your family. Spend none on her.

I think the OM is married too. If he was single your wife would be spending the nights with him (per your request) and not coming home. Find out who he is - expose this affair to the other BS. Don't tell anyone anything - go straight to the OBS and tell her. Logically, if the OM is single, then why, why is your wife coming home every night? Since she has "such deep feelings for him", wouldn't she want to spend every minute with him possible? There is a wife somewhere, you have to find her. Peace!

I'm not certain he is married. I think he is not. There is NO way that she's making this leap without a safety net.

The reason she's not staying the night is because she has legal counsel telling her not to.

[This message edited by Sharkman at 12:33 PM, September 6th (Wednesday)]

I really do not think he is married. It seems very far fetched. She's not staying the night because she has to be up early to get our kids ready for school, and doing that after driving home from wherever he lives, in her mind, would be more of a pain in the ass (probably because he lives more than 15 minutes away and she would have to deal with morning rush hour traffic). I will ask her tonight, and ask her to look me in the eye. So far, since DDay, if I ask her to look me in the eye, she has been unable to lie. Every time she has lied to me, she has been looking at the floor.

[This message edited by bardo at 12:53 PM, September 6th (Wednesday)]

Let's say he is married, I'm still unclear what good it would do to expose. Remember, we both are 100% committed to D at this point. Her being caught in an affair will not affect what she is legally entitled to in a no-fault divorce state.

[This message edited by bardo at 12:54 PM, September 6th (Wednesday)]

There could be dozens of reason why she doesn't spend the night. Maybe she has to get up early with the kids, she got sound legal advise not to just up and leave, maybe lover boy has another hot date that night and doesn't want some dude's wife around ruining the mood so he tells her some bullshit to get rid of her.

I wouldn't waste much sleep or resources figuring out who this scumbag is, the relationship will likely torpedo before the lawyer has time to draft the papers. On the flip side, it wouldn't be bad to gather some evidence, if she starts playing hardball with the divorce and gets greedy, be ready to go nuclear. Be hopeful and strike while the iron is hot, but she is your enemy, so she is not to be trusted.

Let's say he is married, I'm still unclear what good it would do to expose. Remember, we both are 100% committed to D at this point. Her being caught in an affair will not affect what she is legally entitled to in a no-fault divorce state.

To tell the other spouse, so she knows she is with a cheating scumbag. It is the right thing to do and if you can get in touch with her do it, but after she signs on the dotted line...

Bardo, I've been reading your story. I'm so sorry you have a need to be here.

It is imperative you find out who this scumbag is!

This man will be around your children if you are not careful. Do you really want his morals rubbing off on them?

It does sound as if he's married. There quite possibly is a poor woman out there who doesn't know she had a cheating SO(b). Not only that, there's no telling what diseases he may carry! Her knowing could potentially save her life.

Speaking of which, I can't remember reading, have you both been tested for STDs?

[This message edited by Wool94 at 1:27 PM, September 6th (Wednesday)]

Dude I would pack her a bag and drive her to his place and say get out, this is where you live now. I'd also expose this affair to the world. Not in a vindictive way but an informative/call for help way. I would also notify the kids in an age appropriate way. "Mommy and daddy are fighting because mommy has a boyfriend and married women are not supposed to have boyfriends. That hurts daddy very much." That's not judgmental or untruthful in any way. She's doing WRONG and you shouldn't shield her bad behavior from the kids.

Let's say he is married, I'm still unclear what good it would do to expose. Remember, we both are 100% committed to D at this point. Her being caught in an affair will not affect what she is legally entitled to in a no-fault divorce state.

Exposure is the best tool out there. Granted, the biggest tool is to KILL the affair.

Someone already touched upon the ethics. The world is our village. There are literally THOUSANDS of people here who wouldn't have known that they were being betrayed if it wasn't for the good graces of another betrayed spouse.

But beyond all exposure represents empowerment. You are no longer the downtrodden spouse that she (and her boyfriend) are walking all over. You look at her and say "I SAID I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO, BUT AS LONG AS WE ARE MARRIED I WILL STAND UP FOR MYSELF".

There is none of this "deciding to come home" bullshit. If you say you'll be home by 10 and she's not, then you call it into the non-emergency police line. I'm sure the lawyer that she says that she's not talking to will love that, it's an incredible paper trail of negligence towards her children on her part.

Stop being a punch bag and STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. You have it in you bro, we are one billion percent rooting for you!

Stop being a punch bag and STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. You have it in you bro, we are one billion percent rooting for you!

So true!

Even though she's being "generous", it still hurts that I'm going to somehow have to scrape 2000 a month to fund my cheating ex-wife's life. But if we are going to live apart, and she has 50% custody, she needs a house for them. It just sucks.

You really need to find out who OM is for a couple of reasons. Your WW could have hooked up with her personal trainer, or any other sort of lowlife. (You do have receipts for that expenditure I assume?) If she met the right scumbag 2000 dollars a month could be very tempting, very tempting indeed. Figure on as soon as soon as the money runs out... your WW trying to find her way back into your life again, crying about being so sorry, made a big mistake, it will never happen again, etc. Cheaters aren't known for making good decisions. Don't forget your WW is in lurve.

I don't fault you at all for getting D and protecting your assets as much as possible, but if this dude is a lowlife douchebag; Is that how you want your children raised? Just giving you another angle to look at this.

Don't ask your wife who the OM is. She will only lie. Find out on your own.

You MAY be doing the right thing in order to get the best deal in the divorce, but it wouldn't hurt to find out to some greater degree of certainty.

I agree with another who said you check with an attorney (if you haven't already). You don't have to use that attorney for the divorce, but it won't hurt to check whether what she's offering is better than you could get otherwise in a no fault State, or to learn what you may need to be wary of.

As others have said, and I'd agree - study the 180, detach, and continue (as you have started) to consider the marriage over. As far as fighting, avoid it at all costs (especially within ear shot of the kids). At most, if you absolutely can not control the need to say something negative to her, express your extreme disappointment in her, but make it sad, not mad. That's at the very most . . . better still, just work on not feeling anything towards her. Almost impossible initially . . . but that's what the 180 is for.

Now as to exposing the affair . . . If he's married, then his spouse definitely needs to know. If her life and health suffered because of an STD that might have been avoided if you'd warned her sooner, wouldn't that bother you? If he's not married, exposing is still not a bad idea. If you don't expose, to some extent you become an accessory to the affair, helping keep it a secret.