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Bardo,

It will get better. And, yes, TIME is a 4-letter word.

I'm in a new relationship and it's great. Probably a little too soon, but it's a LDR so we are apart all week long and I'm learning how to live on my own. Spend the time on you - getting comfortable with you, reviewing your values (I know mine got skewed over the years of co-d), realizing what your life goals are, reconnecting with friends, loving your kids.

Peace will come, it truly will.

Hi Bardo

You say;

Please someone tell me a story about it getting better, and ultimately meeting someone better suited to you. Because that's the only thing keeping me going right now. Thank you all.

Well, I am going to sound like a bit of a hypocrite because I have been in a sadness and guilt pit for the past 3 days and am not quite all the way back out. I’ve been gently talking myself out of it with the help of Amazing. The thread from lilies21 has helped a lot as well but still not all the way out. And with me still being in the pit I am going to tell you a story about it getting better.

Not a fairy tale. A real life, 100% true story. My story. I am genuinely at a happier place in my life that I have ever been. DD and MMS are organising a “Freedom Day” party for me next week Saturday. It seems as if there will be over 27 people there. All genuine friends, not just acquaintances. At least 2 of them that will be coming are women that I am beginning to see might be relationship potential. I have not been looking at all. Actually swore off it for 10 years. Have not done OLD. Have not even been on a single date. Fate has just been kind and brought them into my life. Okay, maybe I am close to 18 months out, but hey, that is much less than the 10 year timeline I set for myself (and which Sharkman told me I was rug sweeping my emotions if I thought that I would hold out that long. Bugger, how is it that that bloke knows me better than I do mysefl?)

How can I have the gall to tell you this story of happiness while I am in the sadness pit? Well, even when the M was at its best did you not have the odd down day? This is just a few down days in an otherwise much happier life. And in any event, the sad is still due the POSMWW. Or rather POSMSTBXWW. Don’t you just love the SI acronyms?

arbuom so glad that you are feeling strong enough to post support for others. It is an important part of our own healing to be able to support others.

Please someone tell me a story about it getting better, and ultimately meeting someone better suited to you. Because that's the only thing keeping me going right now. Thank you all.

Hey Bardo, I'm fully recovered, and I did find someone better suited to me... the new me!

I took it upon myself to really take a good look in the mirror and see how I could be a better man. There's always room for improvement. True happiness can NOT come from another person. You must make your own self happy. Another person may augment your happiness, but if you don't truly love yourself, and truly make a conscious effort to improve continuously, no other will ever be able to fill that void.

As an aside, I do have a new woman, and we are very well matched. She is comfortable with who she is. We are together because we want to be - not because of kids, money or some ridiculous social contract we don't believe in. I don't, and never have mis-represented or oversold myself to her. This is me. She's decided to take it rather than leave it.

I'm very alert about our relationship, because the fact is that I wasn't in my relationship with XWW. There were plenty of opportunities and signs that things were a mess and should have been fixed or abandoned.

Most of all... I have no fear. I have let go of the outcome. I do what I think is right, because I think it's right - and that's it. Bring on the consequences - I'll happily suffer them.

I am 12 years out from D. But I remember the hell I was in after D-day. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I cried so much that I was sure there were no more tears to shed, I considered ending my life just to stop the pain.

But through good friends who listened endlessly to my constant sad story, therapy, medication, exercise, and of course the good people of SI, I got better - at first one hour at a time, then a day at a time, then a week. I remember the first week that went by without tears - I was shocked!

I had many lonely hours and quite a few pity parties. But I also had dear friends and family who took me by the hand and helped me - get a new bank account - interview D lawyers - look at apartments - help me get the house ready for sale - and helped me pack and move. I simply do not know what I would have done without them.

I made some mistakes in my new beginnings, I stumbled, I took 2 steps forward and one step back, but I kept going. And now life is so wonderful! I have experienced so many adventures! I have found my strength. I have welcomed new grandchildren. I have a wonderful SO who is so much better matched to me than my XWH.

But the most important thing is that whatever happens in the future - I know I can handle it because I went through the worst and came out stronger. I like the person I see in the mirror and that does not depend on anyone else's opinion.

You will get there. And while the time is going by, make sure to reach out to your friends and family and to the wonderful people of SI.

Sending strength and peace.

NL

Thank you all. I feel that I am in the worst possible time right now: in the thick of her moving her possessions out, and having to tell our kids tonight what is happening. I feel such despair and pain, I can't even describe it. I am hoping that after she is out and we've had a few days for our kids to adjust, I can begin the healing process. My STBXW cheated on me, lied about it, then showed little remorse since DDay. She has been so cruel. There is rage inside of me, BUT... she has been my constant companion for 13 years and to know she is gone for good is so utterly heart wrenching. The juxtaposition of these two feelings is really confusing. I am having trouble sleeping, eating, and getting through the day. Does anyone else feel this way, or remember what it felt like? I can't remember worse pain in my life ever!

I can't remember worse pain in my life ever

It helps to remember who caused it.

Strength

Take comfort in knowing that you are not alone.

My STBX is counting the seconds to get out of here. I'm going to be in your shoes very soon. I feel your pain, and I know mine will get much worse when we finally say goodbye. We have been together for 13 years as well. She was everything to me, just like you. But I'm determined to keep my head high and keep marching. I can't let her be in control of me any longer, she doesn't deserve that power, and the same holds for you.

Stay strong. We are in it together.

OMG Bardo... the juxtaposition of feelings -- that has put into words how I feel myself! I'm angry, and sad, and disappointed, and enraged, and afraid, and wistful, and robbed, and ALL OF THESE AND MORE! I have a little over a week before I send everything to file for divorce, and it's heartbreaking!

TIME... everyone says time. And everyone says it's a different amount of time for each individual. Unfortunately, I want to have a family of my own, so time is precious little for me, and I feel time has been stolen from me. These people who commit affairs and heartlessly throw our feelings around are just so SELFISH!

arbuom - our situations have a lot in common: two kids, same amount of time together, probably roughly the same age (I'm 42), SAHM STBXW, lack of remorse on her part. My crumbling relationship went down differently than yours, but we're in the same boat. Know that I'm here for you, as we all are. I'm so happy I stumbled onto this forum a week and a half ago at my lowest point.

Simplicity, you're doing all the right things. There are good men out there. I'm telling myself there are good women out there. I refuse (and you should too) to let this experience dampen my hope for a deeper, more meaningful relationship in the future. As far as kids, I'm not sure how old you are, but you might be shocked at what age women are having kids these days. My friend is 44 and expecting her first in a few months!

Lean on us for support, and thank you for helping others.

[This message edited by bardo at 9:21 PM, September 14th (Thursday)]

So sorry you are going through this! I am not even a month out from DDay myself so I feel your pain. Although my WH says he loves his family and wants to stay, he thought seriously about leaving for this fairy tale life he thought he was going to have with the OW. Its just that, a fairy tale. She will do the same thing to him that she is doing to you or vice versa. I know that doesnt help with the pain and it doesnt make it any easier to let her go, just know what goes around comes around and if the grass looks greener on the other side it is probably astro turf. Fake.

So sorry you are going through this! I am not even a month out from DDay myself so I feel your pain. Although my WH says he loves his family and wants to stay, he thought seriously about leaving for this fairy tale life he thought he was going to have with the OW. Its just that, a fairy tale. She will do the same thing to him that she is doing to you or vice versa. I know that doesnt help with the pain and it doesnt make it any easier to let her go, just know what goes around comes around and if the grass looks greener on the other side it is probably astro turf. Fake.

Bardo,

Sorry your here, but this is the place to be after the fallout.

My story is nearly identical to yours in many ways. My STBXWW left us on DDAY. At that time I was in a numb and devastated frame of mind. She left without any tears, remorse, or compassion at all. It was as though she was waiting to be exposed so she could get on with her new "happy" life...(exit affair) Her disgusting A was definitely a deal breaker for me so filing for D was a no brained.

On that day and the next few weeks to follow, I realized how fortunate for me it was that she left so quickly and with no chance at R from either of us. This sounds a bit callous but true. It let me begin the detachment and healing process much sooner.

I am now nearly 6 mos. Post DDAY and our separation agreement is signed and executed, our final hearing for D is two months out. I have come a long way in that time and getting stronger every day. Other posters have given you much useful and needed advice here but I wanted to let you know that you can do this. It's a rough road ahead but it really does get better.

I too have asked the question of how and why she could destroy a family the way she did...I don't ask that anymore. There will never be an answer. My health, my kids health and our future is what drives me now. The why is no longer included in our need to heal.

You will get through this.

Bardo, Simplicity, arbuom, I am so sorry that you are all going through this. I am not sure that being told that you are stronger than you think and that you do get through it and that it does get better helps. When I was where you were I did not believe any of it but looking back I do think that the messages of hope did help. So I will say again. All of those are true.

Also, I am glad that you folk are supporting each other. I got fantastic support from everyone on SI but the support that I got from my band of brothers who were at pretty much the same place as me at the time and quite similar stories was the support that I found the most helpful. They are still walking this road with me.

Stay together and stay strong.

Sent you a PM, bardo.

Hi everyone. I am feeling quite low tonight after having been on the up for a few days. It is only 2.5 weeks since DDay. She is already gone and we're full speed ahead on D. I am still in disbelief.

But tonight, I am thinking of all the memories, the great times we shared. I thought she was my soulmate. I really miss her.

That's all. I am just feeling low. I know (or I hope) it will pass. I have tried to focus on the things I will NOT miss, like her avoidance of conflict, her inability to communicate, and her excessive drinking. All the things that doomed our marriage.

I think I just need someone to remind me that things will get better. Thank you all.

[This message edited by bardo at 9:29 PM, September 20th (Wednesday)]

The first 2 rounds I was a mess for months. This 3rd and final D-Day/D round, I'm snapping back fast, but only because it's not my first or 2nd time and I've done preparation in IC. NC definitely helps.

I'm now almost 3 months out, D is nearly final, and the waves are getting small and far between. It feels like I've just about reached end of mourning phase for what I thought was the love of my life. Being down is normal. You'll get the full team of emotions knocking on your door for a while. They may make appearances for months and even pop in a occasionally for years.

It does get better. There is a good place of the other side. You and kids will make it though.

Bardo, Know you are understood here no matter how much pain, confusion or anger cycles through you.

I shudder thinking back 22 months, how bad it was where you are now. I cried earlier tonight as I approach our divorce becoming a reality .

And now I'm crying again for you. We will never understand how our ww could become so cold and turn from us so easily, how they don't seem to be phased by their cruelty and how they move on so easily, as we wallow in brutality of what seems like the erasure of our very life and history.

It is "getting better" ,we will find happiness again.

We are our own best friend.

I wish I could shut it off and stop missing her too,

and loving her, all the while hating who she is now. You will struggle through this pain, through the insanity and when you stabilize The cold heartless treatment afterwards is by far, so much harder to understand or forgive . It is devastating and there is no answer.

I just try to accept, detach and focus on the good in my life, my sons and try to look ahead to find a new dream.

Hang on , find support , cry , scream , believe in the future no matter how much it seems there is none. There is! Peace brother.

Damn. I saw your thread on LS. You're in Hell? I'm sure you are. And I am sorry for your pain. That doesn't,in any way, justify becoming an OM in another man's marriage. You need to NC this woman. Her husband doesn't deserve to be cheated on,any more than you did

Find your integrity,man.