SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a WW, my Day was about a month ago. I'm in IC and my husband is still around because I'm pregnant and I have two young kids. I love my husband and I was being selfish and was not thinking of the consequences when the affair occurred. My affair only was a week but we I gave into him...I told my husband the truth because I couldn't deal with the guilt. I still cry nightly by his bedside while he sleeps, he does not know what he wants to do and I really don't know how to act around him and he won't tell me. I am living in my own hell right now....one day I hope it gets better. Encouragement needed!

Me (37)

BH (36)

Married 5 years Together 9

2 girls one on way

Sosad17

Welcome to SI and sorry you find yourself here.

There are some recommended resources to get started. "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" is a great book and you can download it in PDF form for free if you Google on it. It is a quick read, and no nonsense guide to what your spouse needs from you right now.

I also strongly recommend "Not Just Friends" which is a good book for both of you to understand the affair.

If you look on the top left corner of the page there is a link to the "Healing Library", please use this resource and read as much of it as possible, there is lots of great info there.

All of this should get you started, and please keep coming back here for support (which, as the wayward spouse, might be a little "tough love" sometimes, but stick with it, everyone is here to help). You may wish to share this site with your spouse as he can find support here as well.

For now, please understand that no matter how badly you feel, and I am sure it is terrible, it is truly nothing compared to what he is experiencing. He didn't ask to feel this way, he had no choice. He owes you nothing at this point, do not expect him to give you directions on how to make him feel better. The best way to help him right now is to be humble and helpful to him and not lay your pain on him. Just start figuring out why this happened and what steps you can take to change who you are so that this will never happen again.

((hugs)) and please take care of your family.

Keep your head up. I'm 4 months out and I totally understand how you feel. Just keep telling him you love him and how sorry you are.

i'm a bit further out - know your feeling though, don't lose heart but SHOW him you love him rather than telling him - you're only a month out and he will be still so traumatised so give him the room he needs to work through that....but i found words were nice but pretty meaningless it has always been actions that were the most telling...go well...

Yes, been there. Heck, still there, sometimes. 3 months out.

Deep breaths. I know it's awful, and I'm sure the hormones from pregnancy aren't helping, but just breathe. Be healthy - don't let the stress get in the way of taking care of your baby.

You did the right thing by coming clean to him. Now, you can continue to do the right thing by helping him to heal. He's going to need some time. Be there for him. Be supportive. Listen to him. Answer his questions (completely and honestly). Give him space when he needs it. Don't get defensive. Don't minimize what you did. Don't blame him. Don't get upset when his mood changes without warning. He's dealing with more than you can imagine. He isn't going to be able to help you with your pain - he's working through his own, and it's going to take a very long time. Is he in IC? Many BS's find it helps with the traumatic symptoms.

DaddyDom gave you some good books - I found reading to be very helpful when I was a month out.

And remember to breathe. One thing that helped me was reminding myself to take it one day at a time. Even though the pain feels unbearable, it isn't. You can bear it. Just breathe, and support him the best you can.

Thanks you all for the replies. We are going to our second counseling session which I think is helping. My BH is not a man of a lot of words or emotions making it more difficult.

My MC doesn’t want me to start IC yet. My situation is a little different, I did cross a line over a weeks period but was targeted by someone. If he never came after me it would have never happened, doesn’t give an recuse for the PA but helps my mindset.

Does the guilt ever get better? I’m trying to not let it it get to me or my kids but am having an awful time.

If he never came after me it would have never happened

Sosad, this is not taking full responsibility for your actions. It was not your APs fault you cheated. So what if he came after you, can you not say no? More like you didn't want to say no. Passing the blame off on others is not going to help you. Of course it helps your mindset lol but that kind of mindset is no place to be, it's not healthy .. I know in a time like this (or any time one doesn't want to admit they fucked up) it alleviates some of the guilt, but if you want to do things right, you have to own this shit.

Something I've learned along the way is that time doesn't heal emotional pain, you need to learn how to work through it, not around it. So don't stuff your guilt, don't try to avoid it. That is how it gets better.

May I ask why your MC is against you getting IC?

The guilt is always there, but as time goes on and you have learned to forgive yourself, and (if) your spouse forgives you, and the results of your hard work to change yourself make you a safer person, and your kids become stronger people, and you again feel worthy of people's respect, THEN feelings of self-worth and love and drive begin to take center stage again and you will start to feel alive. No, the guilt never goes away and there are times years later that it is almost overwhelming again, triggered by pictures of your spouse from before the affair or your anniversary of D-Day or any other triggering event. And then the self-loathing and guilt make it hard to function. On days like that, I just need to hold my wife and tell her again how sorry I am. And her words of forgiveness and the feeling of safety I now have is a balm.

Hang in there. Time heals all wounds. The scars are still there and act up from time to time, but most of the time, you don't notice them so much.

Reading through your posts, you seem to apply a lot of significance to the fact that you were pursued and wouldn't have done this if you weren't pursued. I was also pursued and gave in gradually, but that does not make what you (or I) did any less evil or deceitful. You alone are responsible for the decisions you made. You had the power to shut this suitor down clearly but you didn't. Do not place any significance to being the pursuer or the pursued. And do not think that your PA was the result of one bad decision. An affair is a mindset, not a decision. You need to change how you think and how your react - change your mindset. If you don't change you and take full responsibility for what happened, you will not be safe the next time a depraved pursuer enters your life innocuously.

I appreciate all the reflections... I am coming to terms with the Why....and I think my BS is wanting to know this too. I need to gather my thoughts on the why which I think is due to my low self esteem and more, but I need time to figure that out!

I am going to ask my MC about IC this week. She feels that a BS feels like IC is just someone that is helping me and will not help the long term plan. But I’m loosing it and need to work on the self esteem issue...

I am doing ok not great when my kids and BS are around but when I am by myself when I’m at work(my only alone time). I need to be supportive for BS and my young children but I need to get my stuff together.

My mom and my sister know and they are very supportive which helps, but their trying for me to snap out of it, they have never seen me like this and are worried not only for me but the baby.

My BS when the kids are around acts like everything is normal, we only have time to talk at MC and he isn’t really asking questions when there is time. It’s almost normal but NOT! Has anyone had experience with BS’s not asking questions only in MC?

I know time is suppose to help but it’s not and only making it worse..Do I deserve to be happy? Will that ever happen?

Your MC is clueless. There is no long term plan if you don't learn how to change yourself. Get into IC as soon as you can, you already know you need it.

Time does make things better but only when measured on a near-geologic scale. In the short term after your affair is exposed, things get progressively worse as your BS (and you) come to grips with the level of deceipt and betrayal that you were capable of. They will begin to question every memory and start wondering if you were ever really engaged in the marriage. Then things will start to get a little better when they come to terms. But then something will trigger them again (a holiday or a place or a season) and it will get worse.

People tend to refer to the healing process as a roller coaster. I tend to think of it more as a merry-go-round where you seem to deal with the same issues over and over again and things continuously go from crazy to healing to sane to crazy. It takes time to get up to speed and when it is at its craziest (about 1-2 years), it can definitely fly apart at any moment. I am about 5 years out now and I'm still on the ride. Both my BS and I have hung on, even though I was sure the whole contraption would break apart many times. Looking at the merry-go-round as our marriage, many things did fly off the ride during the craziness and are gone forever. Some were things that I miss and enriched our lives and marriage, but most were not needed.

I guess my point is that when people say healing comes in time, it is not a linear process. Take a look at the stock market - every day may be down or up, you can have an up or down week or month or year, but across time, the market tends to go up.

Just be as open and honest about everything as you can.

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:46 PM, October 27th (Friday)]

The first and foremost step is to get you healthy, and that may have to wait until the baby is born. You are likely to require some anti depressants, and you cannot take any meds while pregnant. Your husband has a lot to overcome, and it is best if this is kept on the down-low during this time. It gives you both some time for introspection. At the end of the day, whatever happens, you cannot control the result, only yourself.

Off topic or maybe on topic. I see, for business purposes, several people going through divorce a year. In the cases of infidelity (approx 25%), I (because of my past), always want to ask the wayward spouse, "How would you have reacted if it was your spouse that was unfaithful. Waywards, how do you think you would react if it was your spouse that was unfaithful? This is something everyone considering an affair should consider first.

[This message edited by Crazymixedupkid at 10:53 AM, November 16th (Thursday)]

(((Sosad17)))

It is good that you confessed and that you are here. It is great you are both going to MC and you need to start IC. I think many WS not only need it for therapy, figuring out whys, etc, but you need a person who can be only in your corner as far as your mental health.

My advice is to work on staying in the current moment and not look too far ahead. That also helps me to focus on what I can do NOW to make things better-that is really all of the control any of us have. Work on being the person you want to be.

Your H may not know what he wants or even needs for awhile. Most BS seem to need total honesty, transparency and consistency in everything. These are very important as his trust and vision of you and your life have been shattered. I think in your situation, your H is in shock which is not uncommon. If you decide to reconcile, you will learn great patience. It is hard at first but later on it becomes a gift. Much of the time in the next year you will live moment to moment. It is hard at first but once you accept that it is how life will be for awhile, you will be able to handle it better.

Read or listen to audiobooks of the suggestions in the healing library. Start with how to help your spouse heal from the affair. I got that one on audio so I could listen when commuting or with headphones doing housework, if others were home. I have listened several times over the past three years. Twice right away.

Practice gratitude. Find 1-3 things a day that you recall before you go to sleep. This helped me focus on what is good in life. Challenge yourself at times to not be grateful for the same thing everyday.

Take care of your self daily- watch a funny video, take a bath, talk to a friend or family member who encourages you to be your best person, etc, etc. Taking care of yourself will help you to develop healthy coping skills when you are stressed and will strengthen you to support BH.

Listen to BH a lot. Acknowledge his feelings with things like, It sounds like you are really hurting right now, etc. This will help you truly see his pain which will help both of you heal. When you are with him, focus on his needs- this will last for at least a year but remember to stay in the moment.

Your life matters.

You did a terrible thing but you are not terrible.

You are not the worst thing you ever did.

Don't make further bad choices to cause more suffering.

You can do this. Lots of other Waywards are doing it every day, helping their BS and helping themselves heal. You already have a lot of strength as you confessed and you let yourself feel the negative, conflicting emotions that occur during the A (guilt). Many WS don't confess and they supress their conscience for a long time. As a result the transgressions increase and so does the damage.

Sending you both strength and healing.

Story in profile.

SadLady-

We appreciate the support, We are reconciled and he tells me he loves me. My IC and MC both think this was a part manipulation of a sociopath so now I am dealing with that as well as why didn’t stop it at the beginning. The children are my top priority and life has not changed for them at all. My BS says he needs me to forgive myself so we can start dating again and learn from this. My life was good before this Ilost sight of that when this younger man cane into my life. I️ am Catholic and the priest abolished my sins, but the forgiveness issue is causing me great conflict. I’m reading a lot, but not much for wayward wives with kids....and success stories so I️ term to books on forgiveness. Any rips being further out on the day s you just want to cry?

Seems to me, the first time, the second time, or the 200 th time, affairs and cheating usually require intentional activity. If you chose to meet with him and talk with him and have sex with him, you are responsible for your behavior. You are the spouse to your husband. You said the vows. You are responsible for your actions. The other man could not have an affair and cheat with you if you did not respond and let him. Every action you took to accommodate, facilitate, assist, interact, etc. was done by intentional actions based on intentional choices. Unless, you are choosing the accidentally fell on the other man's penis repeatedly defense? Was it an accident? Somehow you tripped and fell on it? You chose, you did, now own all of it. Don't facilitate and take advantage of you husbands rug sweeping. In the long run, it won't be healthy for the relationship. It is an easy route that only leads to long term frustration and usually only postpones the problems. This is a high interest debt. The longer you postpone, the more expensive it gets.

QD:

I am owning my part in this and we are going to MC and I’m going to IC. I will be forever grateful for the grace my husband has shown me. We have a long road but we are trying...