SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have often described to my wife the feeling that because strippers and strip clubs were places of business and that strippers were just there to do their act and make their money, the strip clubs and strippers didn't seem like reality to me the way a normal girl acting this way outside of a strip club would. I never had a stripper approach me for anything more than a lap dance, not that it wasn't bad enough getting lap dances but perhaps that also has something to do with it feeling like it just being part of the act and part of the show rather than the sexual act it was.

I'll say the same old thing I always say. These so called businesses are just a step away from another business called prostitution. And guess what they thrive on certain delusions that certain men and women tend to fall prey to.

Delusions such as:

1. It was just a place of business.

2 There was no emotional attachment

3. Everybody else was doing it /does it.

4. The women are not hookers ( even after paying them for hand job, blow job, sex.

5. I'm just doing it to pay the bills ( delusion of stripper / prostitutes ). It doesn't really hurt anyone

6. They are clean. No std risk. You should have seen some of the specimens walking out of the massage parlours I stalked. My husband was happy to be served by girls who had just rolled on a filthy table with sweaty greasy pock marked grandads. Nice.

7. Delusion 7 probably a part of delusion 6 that she only dies it with me because I'm special. You would be surprised how many idiots rob their kid's college fund or profess love for a hookers because of this delusion. Almost funny. At least the hookers laugh I'm sure.

I could go on but you get the idea. This industry will always be booming because some people don't mind being exploited as long as their ego is being stoked and they get to live in fantasyland where prostitutes and strippers are either harmless business reps or soulmates waiting to be rescued.

Took me years to understand this. It's not about the strippers or strip clubs it's about the unilateral decision you made. A car dealership is also a business and I assure you my BH is going to be pretty pissed if I buy a car and hide it from him. Betrayals come in all shapes and sizes.

Focus less on the business aspect of strip clubs because some couples are totally okay with it. Focus more on why you thought it was okay to make such a major decision without telling your wife. What I eat for lunch, clothes I wear, that bag of chips I got at the store. Totally up to me. Deciding to buy a car, go to a strip club, chat online with men, stop my bipolar medications, etc without communicating with my BH first is not okay.

There are numerous "businesses" where I chose not to have any transactions. Surely, you have some discrimination when it comes to making a decision on where you give your business and how you spend your money. Strip clubs are selling sex. Whether or not you touch them, you are there because it is a sexual encounter. If you weren't there for the sexual pleasure, why not just go to a bar and watch baseball?

Isleguy,

You have 3 daughters right? How would you feel if they decided to work at a strip club becaus, it’s just a job where you wear minimal clothing and do a little dancing....right? How do you think you would feel knowing that there would be men, young and old, gawking and lusting after them? How do you think you would feel if some old geezer was willing to tip her $20 if she let him feel her breasts?

Would it eat you up inside to watch the faces of the men looking at her knowing what’s going thru their minds and what they are wanting to do to her? But, hey it’s just a job and, she’s making money....right?

outtanowhere,

I am not trying to defend my behavior or say that I agree with my attitude from back then. I completely agree that I would not want my daughters anywhere near those places. I know I was wrong in the way I was thinking but yet that was how I felt. My feelings on strip clubs changed a long time ago. I am just struggling to explain how I felt back then and how I made excuses for myself with this flawed attitude about strip clubs.

I used to think strip clubs and porn were harmless. Now I think they are unwholesome. More than anything I think the harm is in the way they reinforce the brain wiring that is involved in objectifying other human beings. Dehumanization is along the same axis, it's just a matter of degree.

As a social species humans are actually hard wired for kindness, compassion and empathy toward each other. Going against that wiring makes us emotionally uncomfortable. If we want to take an action that we rationally know will hurt or harm another person (like betraying our spouses, for example) we have to subvert that wiring and we do it by objectifying, dehumanizing and demonizing.

That is why the "imagine it were your daughter" thing is so powerful. It forces you to apply the scenario under consideration to people that you consider to be people and you can't avoid the emotional discomfort that arises.

Just my $.02 from this ever EvolvingSoul

Have you explained your then and now thinking to your wife? Have there been any more violations in this “business” that she doesn’t know about? Are you just telling her what she wants to hear or have you truly changed your perspectives?

It’s one thing to “know” how this is in reality. Do you really get how violated your wife felt knowing you let some woman grind on you for money? This is my battle Isleguy. It’s a place you won’t be able to come back from if you can’t acknowledge the difference between how it started and now and trust me, she knows the difference.

How would you feel if your wife worked as a stripper? Would it be okay for her to wear a tiny g-string and dry hump random strangers? How about letting men feel her breasts or buttocks for a few bucks?

or your spouse could find some emotionless infidelity on Craigslist.

I see no stop sign sooo Im a BS but I am writing from more outside the box.

As someone who works in a industry that crosses over and is derived from strip clubs, I have to say that any man that ends up paying for dance - you are being exploited. You are nothing but an easy ATM

You keep them in the nice clothes, the life where we can simply use their bodies, clothing, hobbies, and a pole to gain your attention and money. They do not care about you, your emotions, your needs. This aint Magic Mike, the girls simply take your money and laugh at you in the back room. They feel empowered and minted and you, you're nothing but a cash cow.

So your wife? She knows its a business. Thats not the issue. She absolutely knows what women can be like. And its such an insult that she could give you genuine love and intimacy and her heart, all for free, - but you paid for cold acts to get a bit of attention.

To her, everyone involved is heartless. She had a lot to give , for nothing. You paid SOMEONE ELSE. It doesnt matter who. Its a massive insult. It makes her feel worthless.

I usually stay out of this forum because it triggers me. But when I saw this thread I popped in. islesguy I understand what you are saying. My husband said the same things to me when he was trying to explain where his head was at the time, but it didn't make it any easier to accept. Visiting strip clubs was part of business entertaining, he said. It was almost expected that he go aling with it, he said. He travelled for his job, and it was what the men would sometimes do. Blah, blah, blah. All this time, I was home, taking care of our children, cooking, doing laundry and waiting for him to return. I had no idea where he was, and that should have been his clue. If he had to keep something secret then it was probably not a good thing for the marriage. He continued to go. But then, it progressed to lap dances. He told me he knew he had crossed the line when he went to a strip club by himself. But by that time, he was hooked. The rest, you can read in my story. I hope you don't expect your BS to buy into your way of thinking back then. I know I NEVER will. Although we are reconciled and happy now,His way of thinking has forever changed our marriage and has killed a big part of me.

Color me cynical if you wish, I do not believe that any adult male with a functioning brain stem does not know that strip clubs, strippers and lap dances are cheating.

Five minutes in a strip club and you understand the extreme touchy feely going on. You not only understand it, you pay extra money for more touchy feely.

But, it’s a legal establishment and looked upon so often as men will be men, blah blah, so you pay to touch and be touched by another woman in varying states of undress.

You know it’s cheating. You just hope that your SO buys your bullshit excuses.

I have never been able to really wrap my head around what i think or don't think about strip clubs.

I have been a handful of times in my life. twice when i was late teen/early 20's single guy. I thought it was cool, spent a bunch of money blah, blah, blah.

Once for my Bachelor Party, on that occasion i was taken by a group of girls that i worked with at the time. i had more fun at the bar later lol...

And a couple times with my ex WW and a few other couples...And frankly it felt awkward and i didn't really like it at all...I never had to worry too much about the women rubbing up on me cause i wasn't giving them any of my money lol...

I don't really have anything against them, i just don't want to go and spend my money there personally...

I have no real interest in going, i would not ever go without speaking to SO.

boontje,

No, I don't expect my BS to ever accept what I said about strip clubs. Not because it wasn't how I felt because I know I was just deceiving myself. It is obviously wrong, it was obviously cheating but I didn't want to see it back then. I also went with the guys from work when I did go but don't go anymore and never would want to again whether I am married or not. I also never for a moment believed that any stripper cared about anything more than money.

Thanks for clarifying, isles

guy. I hope you and your wife are in a better place today. I just read your story in your profile. It made me sad, because it is so similar to my own. Especially the 10 points you made. I wish you peace in your journey.