SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Like other said, never reveal your sources. Don't immediately confront when you find evidence and tell her what the evidence is like you did before. She's not going to tell you anything you can't prove at this point and now that she knows you're on to her she's going to hide her affair that much better.

Do not give ultimatums unless you're prepared to carry them out. Don't tell your wife "Stop talking to this guy or I'm divorcing you." Unless you're ready to to immediately file for divorce the second you find out she's still talking to him. Other wise you just look even more weak and your wife will take you even less seriously than she does now.

In order to work on the marriage it takes two people. You wanting to work on the marriage while your wife is in love with and probably sleeping with another man (hell you already said she's not sleeping with you) is not a workable solution.

Your wife needs to be woken up. She needs consequences. Slapping her with divorce papers is a HUGE wake up call to the consequences of her actions. Actions and consequences save marriages from infidelity. Not talk, letters, ultimatums, and words.

Also have you considered hiring a PI for one of her nights out??

Guarding the phone like it's her first born, not intimate with you for over a month and half, and you've been married about a year. The first year of marriage is still supposed to be the honeymoon phase. If she's this far down the rabbit hole this soon, who knows what else she's been up to. Does she sleep with the phone under her pillow, and/or take it into the bathroom when she takes a shower? If so, that's to protect the conversations at all costs. If you do get access to either phone, always take a screen shot of any evidence with your phone. Waywards will try to convince you that you didn't see what you saw. Screenshots are irrefutable proof.

Before you confront, pick up a Sony ICD-PX333 voice activated recorder, a 8GB micro SD card, and some lithium AAA batteries. Set it for the highest MIC sensitivity and best recording quality. Turn off any beeps and lights. Put that sucker under her car seat with some adhesive Velcro from Home Depot or Walmart. Or get two and put the other one somewhere in the house where she would make private calls.

After you confront, most of us here would bet that she'll call him from the car. You'll learn a lot.

The other phrase you'll read here a lot is that you have to be willing to end the marriage in order to save it. That's why people are advocating filing for D. The intent is to wake them up to reality. You don't necessarily have to follow through, but it shows that you aren't bluffing. Idle threats will just embolden her even more, since she'll basically suffer no consequences. There are two paths out of infidelity, R or D. Start down the path and see if she follows. Make her do the work.

Js84 -

I've thought about a PI. But she has only gone out 5 times in about 3 or 4 months. Never home late of course. But 10ish or thereabouts.

Not sure how much a PI could find that I can't with exception to catching them in 'the act.' God, forbid.

Hi OneRoad, I'm sorry you are going through this. The good news is that you have landed in a great place for support and advice while you work your way out of infidelity. It's going to be a rough ride, please do check out the healing library.

Your WW has shown you early in your relationship that she has boundary and honesty problems. You asked if what she is doing is okay. If a spouse is doing anything that leaves their partner feeling gutted, then what they are doing is definitely not okay.

Trust your gut, it's telling you what she has been doing with OM. The words out of her mouth are meaningless. It's brutal discovering that your spouse isn't who you thought she was and is capable of so easily betraying you and your vows. We can all relate.

Ask yourself if you want to find yourself ten, twenty, thirty years into a marriage, kids, a lifetime of savings, sharing a business, owning a home with this person. That's a question you have to answer for yourself. No one here can answer that for you.

I am a hopeless romàntic so like to see reconciliation over divorse. I am also one off those that think you don't need more evidence. It would be good if you could get more but look - she is having an affair, 7,000 texts, she has been out with him, she lied to you.

To reconcile she needs to be remorseful and she is not (now). Nothing going gets a wayward's attention more than saying I will not stay in a relationship with someone who is in a relationship with someone else. There can only be two in a marriage, choose now. Don't give her a week, or even a day to decide.

ICaughtThem -

I think even when I confront her it will be the same old song and dance. She brings up one or 2 things that I did a few years back and uses it against me. Avoided even the very notion that she cheated at all. Text or otherwise.

My fear is...if I call her out again...and throw out the D...and I'm wrong [most of you think I am spot on]...well...that is very scary for me. I need to be honest with all of you.

We have a 6 year old too. His father passed before he was borne. So, I'm dad. Honestly, I feel like just surrogate dad these days.

I am a hopeless romàntic so like to see reconciliation over divorse. I am also one off those that think you don't need more evidence. It would be good if you could get more but look - she is having an affair, 7,000 texts, she has been out with him, she lied to you.

To reconcile she needs to be remorseful and she is not (now). Nothing going gets a wayward's attention more than saying I will not stay in a relationship with someone who is in a relationship with someone else. There can only be two in a marriage, choose now. Don't give her a week, or even a day to decide.

Dude, 700 text messages in three months to MALE coworker is an affair.

Respectfully, Unhinged is correct, but you don't know to what extent.

Yes, you could wait until you have more evidence of what's already going on, but that's pretty much allowing it to continue.

This is also true, and is a completely valid argument. Balancing out when you have enough is a tough call. It's your call. It may be enough to stop the affair and R the marriage, but you risk not really ever knowing the extent of what went on.

That is the dilemma.

Forget about D right now. That is the standard response to newbies. You need to go into full investigation mode. She needs to hand over her phone and you download the messages. Likely you will find exchange of nude photos and some shitty stuff. You will also know if it was physical or not. Then put a VAR in her car. Give it a couple of weeks. Once you know what you are dealing with, you make the decisions. It that time you will see if she is out of her wayward behaviors. You will know if she is a safe person you can continue to be with. If the answer is no, no one here needs to tell you what you need to do. Do you have kids? Is the co-worker married? Will she quit her job? All things you need to investigate before you hire the attorney. Once you file, it will be harder to track her lying ass.

After you confront, most of us here would bet that she'll call him from the car. You'll learn a lot.

^^This^^ More than likely she is calling him in the car anyway. get a VAR in there today!

Before you confront. I'd suggest giving it a week to collect what you can, then demand her phone. If she refuses, you have your answer. She knows she's caught and somebody needs to start packing.

[This message edited by twisted at 12:30 PM, October 3rd (Tuesday)]

All -

Doesn't seem like they talk much. Texting almost always. Tis their pattern. I've seen maybe 5 calls in 3 months of logs. Plus I have Sprint and they DON'T hold onto texts.

I don't think a VR will help. And I've already done my snooping around the house, purse, etc. Seems like it's all on her cell and FB.

Trust your gut! I had a feeling for a year and he kept gaslighting me. I wish I would have dug deeper and kept snooping and checking his where abouts. I was right, he was seeing her for the entire year I was worried. Trust your intuition. Their A started as just friends as well.

Your scared cuz you dont have all the answers.

Knowledge is power.

Sit back and play it cool, whatch her dig her own hole and gather the info you need to confirm the choices you need to make in the future.

In a sbort time you will find the intel that will verify your decision to keep her around or not.

But dude... after only a year with this chick and she is pulling this crap...I have to tell you, you most likely will bail on this one.

Again do the work to verify if this chick is worth keeping around.

Something tells me you will not like what you find, but it will surely give you the resolve to make a knowledgeable and informed choice in were you want your life to go and with whome.

In short it is way to early to confront IMHO!

Man, can she really defend keeping her phone hidden from you?

Try that VAR, believe me they have to hear each other's voices, i guarantee you will turn up something between them or maybe she will tell a friend something, i guarantee it.

Go with the VAR...it will either pan out or not.

Start taking the steps needed to protect your self from this betrayal.

What do you have to lose?

A women that doesn't respect you?

One Road, just my opinion, but, no, I don't think you have enough evidence either.

I things can be explained away, that's what you'll hear. If they work in an environment in which it's easy to have a full-blown affair say a hospital, it will be harder to catch them.

I'm out of ideas unless you can afford a PI.

She defends him like he is gross, and she helped set him up with his new GF

her: i need a hug from my favorite guy

Do you mean she is saying he is "gross" to her, like he is repulsive? If that's the case, she wouldn't be saying to him that she needs a hug from her favorite guy. And aren't YOU supposed to be her favorite guy?

allusions - yes, and she is telling me that she set HIM up with a new GF. This whole thing stinks. I know she is lying that is for sure.

Friend,

You’re not developing a court case. Of course get as much info as you can. But In this situation you are judge and jury. You are the only one that needs to be convinced.

As I said before the words you know she said show that you are no longer her number 1.

Why should she be hugging anybody be but you?

If OM is single I would tell her she can date him or be with him as much as she wants, but not as your wife.

If she shows no remorse at that and only makes you feel like shit for keeping her from her love, then that is not Reconciliation.

You cannot R with an unremorseful wife.

I believe You currently no where near have a remorseful wife in front of you. If you did, you would know it.

- She would be inconsolable with the thought of how she was the cause of so much pain to the person she loves most in the world.

- she would be begging to know what she could do to make it right.

- for you she would want to let everyone know it was her that screwed up, not you.

- she would want to read books on how to support her BS. She proactively orders them and starts reading. She actively discussed what she is reading

- she would be in IC as much as possible to figure out what went wrong with her and how she could do this to the person she loves most in the world. She proactively schedules this for herself and also proactively asks her therapist for IC recommendations for you to help you deal with the pain she has caused.

- she would feel your pain more than her own and put your happiness ahead of hers.

- she will gladly answer your questions at any time day or night with no objections

- she would write you a letter of apology highlighting how she must have made you feel

- she would focus most on your well being, ignoring her own

- she would realize what the OM really is and start being sick at the thought of him/her. She would start calling him/her names like POS for how he helped her destroy her life.

- They show remorse thru actions, not words. Examples of this could be that they proactively prepared a written timeline of what happened and are as thorough and factual as they can be.

- Other examples are: They book a polygraph when you are available to attend. And they buy a GPS tracker for their car so they can give you peace of mind. They sell something of value to only them to pay for these things so the cost doesn't come from your joint funds (e.g. Collectibles or jewelry or exercise equipment).

If they are only showing Regret and not Remorse then they will only be giving you words, not actions: e.g. "I'm so sorry. But you can trust me now. I promise you I've told you the whole truth: e.g. "You can trust me now. I love you. It didn't mean anything. I know I messed up - do you forgive me? I was so stupid, but I've learned from my mistakes. It's in the past now and we can move forward. I love you more now than I ever have. I promise it will never happen again, can we move on?"

Finally. THE EFFORT PUT INTO RECONCILIATION! If the betrayer doesn't work harder at repairing the relationship than they did to damage it, it isn't going to work no matter if you stay together or not. They need to be working harder at R than you are.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:05 PM, October 3rd (Tuesday)]

You could also ask to double date with him and his new GF and she what she says. If not Ask the GFs name. Call her and verify your wife’s story.