SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife and I have known each other 12 years, dated for 4 and married for 4.

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I thought everything was fine in my marriage. My wife and I recently survived 2 weeks without power and joked that if we could survive that in a tech addicted world we could survive anything. She always told me I was the love of her life and told me often, I complimented her regularly as a stunning beauty. Life felt good.

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We moved to a new city for her new career path. We put our house up for rent and left everything behind and made it happen. The problem was, I was heading into the city with no job. I hadn't had a job in awhile but I went to school full time with my military benefits and brought in about $1200 monthly. Her new job was quite lucrative, so much in fact that we talked at length and she said I wouldn't need to work. I could cook and clean and be the house husband while I studied. It all seemed fine.

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Enter her new job. There she meets coworker X and forms an emotional connection. I've never not trusted my wife before but she was texting this guy regularly and trading playlists with him into the night as she downed a few bottles of wine. In hindsight, I should have said something. But I honestly didn't mind. She said she was lonely and wanted a friend with similar interests. It just happened to be a guy. Cool, I trust her.

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A few nights ago we had date night and passed out early. I was starting to get very curious about these texts so I did something I never thought I would do. I checked her phone. Read hundreds of messages and the very last ones were about how she went to meet him that night while we were sleeping and confessing feelings for one another. I'm not happy.

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I confront her about it and she says sorry, that she does have feelings for him. I ask her why and she says common interests. She can't help it. I told her it's not cool and asked if she would stop talking to him as much, what she is doing is basically emotionally cheating on me and I feel betrayed. She agrees and we go to sleep.

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The next morning she leaves at 12pm to think about things and comes back at 11pm. She went to the bar and her and her coworker kissed. She apologized. I asked why and she said she likes him she can't help it. We talk but I can't get her to tell me what I can do to make this stop, that I love her and want to work on our marriage. It's too late, she says. She doesn't love me anymore. She asks me not to make say it but I begrudgingly do. Right to my face, she doesn't love me anymore.

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How did things turn so quickly? She's gone now, she left that night to presumably go to the coworkers after telling me she didn't love me and nothing could fix it, no matter how much I pleaded I would do anything to be the man she fell in love with. But no. She wouldn't budge. I packed my things that night and now I'm in our old city. I'm devastated. I don't know how to cope. Despite how much I'm betrayed I love her so much that I just want her back. I didn't get any closure, she wouldn't tell me anything I could do other than she lost feelings for me and has felt it for over a month. Why couldn't we talk about it so I could fix it? I would.

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I left because it was too painful to stay. She didn't come back home the next morning and I couldn't just sit and wait around while she was with another man. I have nothing now. I spent everything in this marriage, I gave up my career in the marines to marry her so we could be together more and I used my VA loan to get our first house. Then I put money into that house, and put it all up for rent when she wanted to change cities. Because I've been dependent on her and stopped a semester of school during the move... I only have $150 to my name. I realize the unbalance of the financial side of our marriage but we talked about it and for now it was ok. This is a total blindside.

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Was she telling me she didn't love me so she could push me away easier without confrontation? Did she really mean it? She could hardly look me in the eye and I asked her if it was about sex and she said it's about everything. Everything is so vague. I don't have any answers, all I know is I want to fight for my marriage. I thought this woman was my soul mate. I wouldn't think it was real if not for the absolute heartache. I'm not normally an emotional guy but I can say I'm effectively devastated. I sent one departure text when I left and asked her to take care of the dog, he wouldn't understand any of this and frankly neither would I. I also wrote a letter I left her when she comes back because I needed to get everything out, like I am now, if I was going to survive.

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Doesn't reaching out for a lawyer right now, when it's all so raw mean I'm throwing in the towel? I don't just want to let her go easily, but on that same note I would be dumb if I did not protect myself. Is there no happy medium where a divorce isn't finality but we remain separated and see if time works things out --- without me getting financially screwed?

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Last thing. I've talked to multiple members of my family and friends, including her parents and they are all equally shocked. Especially her dad. I asked him to reach out to me if he calls her and gives her finality and that if he felt it appropriate to share with me please so I could have closure. Not one person I've talked to has said we can't work it out, I don't know how and Reddit thus far is saying otherwise. i don't want to leave myself any more vulnerable than I already am

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Edit: i first posted this on Reddit and it's been about 48 hours now since I've seen her. I'm in another city, I left because it was too painful to be in our one bedroom apartment. She tried to contact me via text one time last night at 11pm to ask if I made it there safe, to which I did not respond. So far there have been no texts or attempts to call today. Now that I've calmed down... I truly feel like it's over and she doesn't regret anything. What are my next steps? I've set up an appointment to meet with a divorce lawyer tomorrow. This is just so surreal, my birthday was literally less than a week ago and we were saying how in love we were. We just recently went and saw our favorite band in concert and had a blast. Total, devastatingly, blindsided by all of this

**tl;dr**: Wife cheated and I don't know how to cope.

Stay No Contact. Do not respond to a text or call of hers for any reason. Please report back here ASAP on what the lawyers says in terms of alimony.

IHF, sorry you are here brother.

Sharkman is right, stay no contact with her, not a word. Let your divorce attorney handle all of the communications with her from now on.

Is the other man married?

Can you get the rent money for your house directed to an account that is only in your name?

It's not letting me reply to an individual post via my phone, but no other man is not married. We actually all hung out together less than 3 weeks ago and I genuinely liked the guy, I didn't feel threatened at all because as I said I had absolute faith and trust in my marriage. I didn't think anything was wrong at all. I'm still in a state of shock, but I've read every single article on the site and did find some comfort in the topics even if it does hurt more than anything I've ever felt in my life, and I've seen and been through plenty in the marines. This has absolutely and totally crippled me in a way I never imagined possible. I've wept like a child and broke down in ways I didn't think i could as a man. I feel pathetic and weak and hate myself for it. This all happened so fast and so quickly ... it's all very raw and surreal.

@timeless

The rent for the house does come directly to my bank account, which she does not have access to. We don't have any joint accounts. As far as bills and such that come out of my account, we are on the same cell phone plan but she would transfer me the money to pay for it.

At the point in time for our marriage, i was totally financially dependent on her. I left the marines and used my 50,000 in savings to support us, pay for our wedding,to put money down on the house, fix it up, pay for trips etc. that money ran out a little over a year ago and it's been all her since then.

[This message edited by Ithasfeels at 8:55 PM, October 9th (Monday)]

Get to that attorney and take advantage of the only positive thing about your situation right now: She's going to owe you a boat load of spousal support so you can continue school and get your career back up and running. Please don't get all sentimental and go easy on her. You gave up your career and ruined your finances for her career, and she threw you away like trash.

It might take a while, but I think it will eventually dawn on you that she is not a good person. Not good at all.

Do not reply to any of her texts.

Do not take any of her calls.

Do not communicate through an intermediary to her unless it's your lawyer.

I think in this situation, it's safe to say that her relationship with the OM will blow up very soon. When it does, reread my first three sentences.

This is not someone you want to grow old with.

Most of us here have been there, and felt the way you feel right now. Just know that you will get through this, and things will get better for you. Please just hang in there.

Lean on friends and family for support. It's a long road at times, but you will get there. Of course you have us here on SI to talk to also.

Making sure that you are taking care of yourself right now is very important, physically and mentally. It may sound trivial, but eating properly, exercising, keeping hydrated, and taking it easy on alcohol can really benefit you now. If you can arrange it through the VA, it may benefit you greatly to sit down with a therapist to discuss this.

Your wayward wife has served you a huge shit sandwich, but you do not have to eat it. Once your attorney let's you know where you stand legally, you can then start taking the appropriate actions to get yourself out of infidelity.

Take CuckNos' advice, do not let her off the hook as far as spousal support. Your sacrifices made her career possible, so she owes you.

Also, I know you probably love reddit, but this is the place you want to keep coming back to for advice. If you keep the regulars here up to date with the goings ons, they will help you immensely.

That's an emotional story. Please know that you're not alone in crying and punching walls and feeling like you're not a man. But remember - you ARE the bigger person. Because you did not cheat.

Similar situation in my case - she met someone that she saw every week, did some emotional cheating, then did some actual cheating. I had my suspicions, then felt ashamed that I had these suspicions because...hell, she's my wife. I'm supposed to trust her, right?

Good luck. Hang in there. Priority number 1 is you.

Cool, I trust her.

Yeah, been there, that's why you were blind-sided. You weren't looking for the signs, had no reason to.

Keep posting, follow the no contact, get lawyers advice. She may, or may not decide she made a mistake. You can only assume she won't and take action accordingly. Your mission is to help the lawyer get the best settlement you can, and move on. You have 4yrs in and no kids, it could be worse. You will not do the "pick me" dance. If she ever comes around, she'll need to prove you should trust her, and frankly, that'll be mighty hard to do.

Sorry you're here, bro.

Don't report relationship to HR before you see a lawyer.

Continue posting to SI.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 11:22 PM, October 9th (Monday)]

Go dark.

Get her to think twice on what she is losing.

Send her some seperation docs and division of assets form...make her second guess her choices.

Make this affair as inconvient and as uncomfortable as possible by distancing your self.

Good job on exposing the affair.

Who is the one person that your wife respect the most..contact that person and let them know you will not share her with another man.

This is classic affair fog and fantasy.

Its just a matter of time the other man is done using your wife and she regrets this whole mess.

Soon you will be her plan B.

The facts are affairs are never as exciting as they are when no when knows, now that everyone knows and you areno longer in the way....they will tier of each other soon enough...

Excellent advice so far Ithasfeels. Stay NC, follow your lawyers advice. You've found an excellent support group here at SI. And don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself. This is about her shit boundaries and poor coping mechanisms- and selfishness.

The realities are you most like will have moved on by the time the affair dies.

That's usually the case.

With you gone the other man may not want her anymore....to much commitment and work...It's easy to screw married chicks there is no real relationship...it's all hidden, no real work involved.:

But know it's a whole new ball game for this guy...who knows it might get really old real fast.

One more thing...dont try to nice your way out of this...again dont make this affair comfortable by being her friend.

Send her a seperation docs and division of assets form she needs to see you are not going to share her..

I just wanted to say, thank you for your service!

I also wanted to tell you that you will get great support here. It may seem harsh at times, but your on the right track.

Keep up the hard work!