SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A hard no contact will make you stronger.

It's you're only option even though you may not realize or what to see it.

Alright, I've finally come to my senses. The complete 180 it is. Wish me luck.

The best and most simple piece of advice is to change her number in your phone to "DO NOT CONTACT!"

She WILL reach out - it's exhilarating having two men fight over you. When she does, she'll get radio silence.

Just understand as you do not respond she will try to manipulate you. Anger ("HOW CAN YOU TREAT ME LIKE THIS?!") Appeal to White Knight ("I REALLY NEED TO TALK TO YOU!") or some bullshit reason like her dog is sick and needs your help (She has fired you from this job of caring about stuff like this remember)

Here's one thing -- if you feel a moment of weakness come here and talk about it first.

What do I do if she comes by the apartment to check on me? She does have a key. What do I say? I haven't told her I'm going NC, I'm just doing it.

Today I also started the process of filing with the local county courthouse online. I paid for the forms and filled out all the information. I will just have to wait until I get the $409 for the cost, +$40 for the serving fee

[This message edited by Ithasfeels at 8:16 AM, November 10th (Friday)]

However do not antogonize her until you reach a financial settlement. I hope you read about 180 - it does not mean being confrontaional with the other party (is she trying to keep a line of communication with you open (other than business matters). Good luck with your progress and as others said there will be up and down days as you progress towards achieving the new normalcy.

What do I do if she comes by the apartment to check on me?

By being civil, You can still be within your 180. But it will affect your recovery. Try to avoid such viits by telling her you have some other businesses or something. Are her visits her part of keeping a line of contact open with you or out of guilt

[This message edited by goalong at 8:41 AM, November 10th (Friday)]

In my opinion, you should be out of the house as much as possible anyways. Cut down on when you could possibly see her.

Go hiking, running or even reading at the library. Hang out with friends or make new ones. Your personal goal for the next four week is to great a ball of activity around your life. The more activity satellites rotating around your body the healthier that you will be.

Ok thanks for the advice. I did read the 180, I just think she will send a text like "Why haven't you text me I'm worried about you" -- To which I would just respond with something like "I'm fine," right? Or do I say nothing at all.

I can keep it civil, am perfectly fine with that. But it's painfully obvious she has no remorse

Nothing. Completely ignore her unless it directly has to do with separation and divorce. Like if she asks when she can pick up her things you can tell her when it would be convenient for you. And then have a police officer or a trusted friend witness her entire "visit". Another thing you would likely respond to would be her asking you "when do we have to meet to sign the divorce settlement?" or some such thing.

No contact means NO CONTACT! Zero. You need to begin detaching from her and that means facing everything in your life without her or her influence. Once you finally make it to zero contact you will be surprised at how quickly detachment begins. Better after 2 weeks, a lot better after 4 weeks, and "never going back to that slut" after 6 weeks. Your mileage may vary but it really does happen fairly quickly once you work up the grit necessary to honestly begin your healing process.

[This message edited by ISurvived7734 at 1:50 PM, November 10th (Friday)]

If she sends you a text and you think she may come by then don’t respond and leave the house. Go for a walk, go shopping...something.

She will try to manipulate you this way.

If she shows up unexpectedly, grab your keys as if you were just leaving. Say you don't have time you have something to do.

I couldn't afford something that good right now, they are amazing benefits, wouldn't I lose that in the D?

Not necessarily, make sure your lawyer knows this. It's a negotiation.

What do I do if she comes by the apartment to check on me?

Stop her at the door, half closed would be even better. Do not let her in. Tell her you are fine and not interested in discussing anything at the moment, thanks for asking. Close door.

Keeps you out of trouble, and she be wondering if you were hiding somebody in there, as a bonus.

[This message edited by twisted at 5:06 PM, November 10th (Friday)]

And then go read Spaceghost007’s thread :)

Thanks for all the advice everyone.

Today is day 2, I'm actually surprised she hasn't tried reaching out to me. Just goes to show this is the right decision, wish I was wise enough to make it sooner.

I'm actually surprised she hasn't tried reaching out to me.

Stick with the 180. It takes some practice. It does work. Just remember...the 180 has nothing to do with her..it is all for you. Sometime you will post that youare surprised that you haven't thought about her.

I like your question about what to do if she stops by. It is actually good to run some scenarios through your mind and practice doing the 180. Her stopping by unannounced and she rings the bell/knocks on the door: "Now is not a good time" and close the door. If she uses her key to get in, "I'm just on my way out" and leave.

She wants to meet to discuss finances: "That doesn't work for me. Email me your questions."

wish I was wise enough to make it sooner.

Don’t beat yourself up. Wisdom comes with experience and unfortunately you now have it.

Half of this place are folks who have stuck around to say ‘don’t make the same mistakes that I did’ and so will you.

You WILL come out of this a happier person. You’ll soon start seeing that things weren’t quite what they were.

In my opinion, at some point you are going to end up face to face with WW. If you are doing the 180 and plan to divorce you don't want to be rude or mean. There are still thing you need to work out together.

I'd tell her the truth but keep it short.

Her: Why are you ignoring me?

You: It's painful for me to watch as you go off with OM. I need to detach from you. Going forward please only contact me when necessary (financial and divorce)and via email.

This is a conversation I'd wait to have. If she shows up at the house unexpected. You run into her when you are out and about... It's not a conversation I would pursue... For example don't contact her just to say ... I'm not contacting you because....

The truth is that you can ignore her, dodge her, avoid her but at some point she will track you down to find out what's going on. Keep it simple and make sure to get your point across about NC except for important information via email.

You don't want the conversation to come across as poor me I'm in pain. You want it to be a ... I'm doing what's best for me. What will make me healthy. After you have said what needs to be said ask her to leave or you leave.

Good luck

Ithasfeels,

How are you doing Brother?

I'm only on Day 6 of NC and I can identify with what you're feeling. It's HARD AF. I have these feelings EVERYDAY. Stop playing the PICK ME GAME. You are only HURTING YOURSELF She ain't coming back. This morning she woke up IN ANOTHER MAN'S BED.

The LONGING for the woman you USED TO KNOW is what drives that compulsion to call, text or meet her. It's an ILLUSION. RECOGNIZE IT.

She does not love you.

You can not trust her.

You cannot depend on her.

I'm right there with you. Suffering the same mental and heartfelt anguish.

Study the 33 steps of the 180. Commit them to memory. Write them out a hundred times if you have to. Practice your reply to her in the mirror. Visualize the encounter BEFORE IT HAPPENS.

You WILL come face to face with her and it will be a test of all you've got inside you- but I promise you this, Once you steel yourself and disconnect as coldly as a stone you'll get your first tidbit of freedom. Watch her reaction after you tell her and commit it to memory. You'll replay it a thousand times in your mind. It's the first step in the long arduous road to freedom of your very soul.

You don't owe her any explanations whatsoever. Don't fall into that trap. I told my WW that I had to do this (e-mail contact ONLY) FOR ME. I told her the OM could have her. I was interfering in her relationship. That we (our marriage) were done. Post your experience here as soon as it happens, while it's fresh so you can help the NEXT man in our club.

You can DO THIS.

I broke the NC for an email. I may have made it too personal but the intention was to begin talks about how we would divide our assets and debt for a divorce. Did I mess up again?

[Wife's Name],

I began the process of filing for divorce on Friday, November 10th.

I realize that I have spent the last month since the affair dwelling on what I could have done to prevent this, but after having Individual Counseling I understand now that this is not my problem to fix. You’ve shown no remorse for your actions, no love for me, and you’re still presently engaged in an affair with [Other Man]. I think it’s best I move on so we can both be happy and you can be with the man you’ve chosen.

I did love you very much and I know you know this. I went back and read through your journals to get perspective on our love story for my novel and it’s crazy how far we’ve come to being completely smitten to where we are now. I won’t bore you with quoting what you wrote about me, you know how you felt. I always imagined a life for us together that would span until we were old and shriveled because we had such a capacity for love and understanding, but now I can see myself moving forward and moving on. You may be happy to know I’ve gotten a decent paying job in [Current City], I will be enrolling in school here, and I intend to stay in the apartment until the lease is up.

It will be less expensive if we do the divorce without lawyers, which neither of us can afford, but I am willing to go into even more debt if we need them. In order to do that we will need to agree on a division of our assets and debt:

1. What debt do we currently have that is shared and how much?

2. I want the house. Do you want to contest for a 50/50 split? If so we will need to contact lawyers.

3. How will we handle the division of our current bills?

4. I wish to remain on the benefits for health / dental insurance until the lease for the apartment is up, would you agree to this if payment was split 50/50?

Please email me back and let me know.

[My Name]

It feels ... disarming to share with everyone the exact email I sent, but I've been transparent with my posts so I thought I would keep with the theme. I still intend to hold with the 180, I did not send her a text or call to let her know I emailed her and I will only be communicating via email. Something in my head clicked and told me it was time to move towards the closing of this chapter so I can start fresh again.

[This message edited by Ithasfeels at 9:44 AM, November 11th (Saturday)]

I think it is good as a closure and also WW get the sense she cannot keep you in limbo. Hope WW would agree with your suggestions/conditions. During the ensuing discussoin you can mention any support you need from her until you settle (if you think you want such alimony). I feel you deserve it since WW dragged you along with her career move and then deserted you. Regardless whether it is mediation or contesting, I think you should discuss with someone you know and trust about all the aspects involve in these proceedings. SI members with such experience will also help you in this regard.

Use ww's present purpoted guility conscoius mind to your advatage in the negotiations. It may not last long especially with POSOM possible involvement. Do not unduly antogonise her and play hurt (even more than you feel) in talks with her

[This message edited by goalong at 10:44 AM, November 11th (Saturday)]

I think overall it was a very good note. You did not play pick me and informed her you are moving on.

Now that you have, back to NC unless it’s something that absolutely pertains to the D and needs to be discussed.

Right now she has shown absolutely nothing in the way of wanting R so time to move towards happiness and out of infidelity.

You learn quick

[This message edited by Stevesn at 3:15 PM, November 11th (Saturday)]