SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been here for a few years, lurking mostly.

My wife had a LTA with an old boyfriend. Totally out of character for her. For our entire relationship she's looked like a Catholic school librarian...horn-rim glasses and all. Very conservative, long skirts, high-button blouses, the works. But for years she gave herself to him with reckless abandon. She was never like that with me. I know she was like this because one of the things I nailed him on was that he secretly filmed some of their encounters.

If you've never seen your wife with another guy, count yourself blessed, especially since she was getting it on with him with more energy in one session than she gave me in months.

He's was/is a so-called 'bad-boy' who did some bad things and, since I work in corrections, I was able to find out some stuff and blow his world up. He's out of the picture and left crying...literally...not for my wife or their 'relationship', but because I was hurting him so bad. F'ing narcissist.

Anyway, I've never felt the same way about her, even though she been mortifyingly remorseful. After HB phase, things cooled on my part...a LOT! I even had to get all the kids tested and they're mine. Thank God. But I spend a lot of time on the internet looking at YouTube vids. I came across this MGTOW thing and it looks interesting.

Even though she gives a Herculean effort to make things right I'm just not feeling it anymore. Like I'm living half a life. This MGTOW thing talks a lot about female nature and men being a utility...for bill-paying, chores, handyman stuff, etc., which is kind of how I feel even after all these years. I'm considering divorce because the pain is like yesterday. I'm sorry I rambled on.

Are there any MGTOW's out there?

I don't think I do the MGTOW thing, although I feel a whole lot like you do. The feelings for my wife have been forever changed. It's a matter of trust, and effort. I just can't help but think that there are better women out there, somewhere.

So the idea is that someone was selfish towards you, then you in turn become selfish and only care about your own existence? It doesn't seem like a road to happiness.

Do you have any kids?

We have 4 kids. I had to test them all because of the length of the LTA. All mine, thank you Lord. He was bad, but my little soldiers were badder! HA!!!

My kids were angry and embarrassed. Angry at their mom. Angry at me for needing the test. I told them I didn't care about the results, they were still mine and always would be, but I needed to know. Try to explain this to teenagers. Our youngest, who is secretly my favorite, is the one who convinced me to stay as long as I did. She made me take a hard look at myself and the way I was treating their mother. I've tried to get the feelings back, but I just can't.

I was thinking of going MGTOW monk mode. No woman, no sex. Just rub one out if I need to from time to time. Just live my life and be a good parent.

If you've never seen your wife with another guy, count yourself blessed...

Odd, but aside from mind movies, I have never really considered this. I think if I ever found vids of my wife with another guy I'd never recover.

That whole MTGOW crowd is bizarre if you ask me. Like a bunch of nut jobs.

I'm female. I did not use my husband for sex and bills. I loved him with my whole heart. I'm sorry you got hurt too, but please don't do that. Turn to a cult to shut your heart down.

While I am not sure there a female equivalent website or community of the same yet opposite vein of thought, I know of many women who feel taken advantage of in their relationships.

When I married, young, I made twice as much money, had no debt while he was drowning, spent 18 months pregnant, another six pregnant ending in miscarriages, continued working and raising my children, getting them to schools doctors sports extra curriculars, etc

Everything we did we did together but 90% of parenting and housework fell to me. Neither of us were “utility” for the other.

I have read the MGTOW website and I find it quite misogynistic.

As a betrayed I empathize with your pain, but caution you on espousing views here which may antogonize, belittle and hurt many members.

This site is for surviving infidelity. Not laying blame solely at the feet of one sex.

I've read about it some. To me it's a cultural "awakening" for a lot of men. I liken it to the attitude many women have showed towards men as being the dominant, working or in charge gender.

Yes many women want the husband as a father, provider, honey do list, and overall security but they want to unleash their so called sexual passion on the side just have way too many men have for decades. Both MGTOW and feminine independence as cultural awakenings are just about self entitlement i ny opinion. Yes you can screw who you want and congratulations. Should be fun of you make it to your seventies and still trying to find your center as a trustworthy balanced person regardless of your gender.

Too many people with too much time taking in too mich information on how to be self fulfilled. I do believe we are approaching a crest within the next 20+ years that will have us all having slept with one another at some point with ever decreasing degrees of seperation. Its not liberation, its the eventual stage of the decline of an empire on which we will all be judged.

[This message edited by NewDayforDad at 4:30 PM, October 10th (Tuesday)]

Though I divorced soon after dd, I can't imagine seeing a video of my xw getting down and dirty with om.

That's a bitch.

MGTOW sounds extreme and cultish.

Anyway, I've never felt the same way about her, even though she been mortifyingly remorseful. After HB phase, things cooled on my part...a LOT!

This is totally normal and your WW's LTA may be a deal breaker for you. Divorce won't instantly heal your pain, but it may help you heal long term.

I'm sorry the kids were involved.

That's how I found out, still pictures, videos and emails. She is working hard but after three years I can still tell the order of the pictures and what is in each one. The videos were likely skypes, He was wacking off, said she liked to see it and him cumming. God knows what she was doing for him. I didn't ask. Still have a hard time touching her.

Basically, since DDay I have been living a MGTOW type existence.

That being said, I don't buy into that philosophy.

In fact, I find it to be misogynistic bullshit.

Thank you Antlered,

And honestly I find this thread extremely triggering.

Perhaps betrayed menz thread would be better.

Or. Just join MGTOW and have at it.

what are the legalities if you decide to quit her ?

She doesn't deserve you and you'll never get the mind movies out of your head and nor should you. She was disgusting and I would have divorced already though I don't have 4 kids.

What is your situation if you decide to dump her ?

So dude, you're in pain and looking for a solution and think mgtow might be it?

You've probably already looked at the alpha beta male thing, too, am-I-right?

I would advise you to do the same thing with those as I'd advise you to do here: take what you can use and leave the rest.

No need to tow a party line for someone else's agenda right now... probably already done that enough for your wife.

Lets go back a few steps, if you dont mind and talk about situational depression. What healthy coping mechanisms do you have in place? No drinking? Exercise? Journaling? Antidepressants?

You're here and you've been stabbed in the back. We gotta look at stabilizing you first. Put the airplane dropdown thingy on your face before others, right?

So what do you have in place?

MGTOW is not going to help you because you're just looking for a bandaid. Either divorce her or tell her from now on you're going to have a half open marriage for the x amount of time she was cheating on you. Do you really want to become a priest and go the rest of your life with out sex because of her, go have your own fun.

BS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:56 PM, October 11th (Wednesday)]

I noticed that your username is "hatefulnow". It would behoove you to let go of the hate. It will only corrode and destroy you. If it's been a while since your DD, maybe think about counseling. It's not about your WW and working it out with her - it's your happiness that is at stake. You canNOT have happiness if you are hateful. Your future happiness may mean that you choose to be alone, and that's fine. Many find themselves happier being alone.

You sound like you have ptsd to me. Find a counselor that is experienced in EMDR therapy. It been around for awhile and works great.

Basically, since DDay I have been living a MGTOW type existence.

That being said, I don't buy into that philosophy.

In fact, I find it to be misogynistic bullshit.

Home run.