SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I discovered this week that my husband contacted an escort while at a conference last week. He had been acting strange for a couple of weeks, staying up very late, and not interested in sex. I checked our shared phone logs and he exchanged about 50 texts and a couple of phone calls with a number that corresponds to an escort service. I'm hoping some of you will have advice as to how to approach him about this - I worry that revealing I know about this one may cause him to confess ONLY to this one, when in fact I am suspicious that there have been more encounters. Thanks for your support and advice.

Sorry you're here, MidwestMom. My husband is guilty of hiring escorts and going to Asian Massage Parlors, so my heart breaks every time a new member in our shoes joins.

Your inclination is accurate. Don't reveal anything until you're able to document proof. Do as much digging as you can through phone records (Googling numbers generally leads to escort ads, if they are indeed prostitutes with ads somewhere on the 'net). Compile and back up your documentation so you have proof prior to confronting him. Get an STD test done as well. Also see a lawyer to discuss your options. You don't have to make any decisions now. First and foremost, take care of YOU. Then take care of your kids.

Others will be along with great additional advice soon. We have a thread called Emotionless Infidelity in the I Can Relate forum. Awesome ladies and a few men who have significant others whose infidelity is NSA, casual encounters, or paid services.

Hang in there and take it one day at a time. Try hard not to let on that you know what's going on or he will be on his best behavior.

I'm so sorry to hear this. JD is right, some others will have good advice...mine is a bit jaded. I am of the firm belief that you have to be as deceptive as them. I lied like a fool...I told my WW that she talked in her sleep and I heard her call his name and the interrogation went from there.

Get checked for STDs

Contact a lawyer to know what you will be dealing with this if you divorce

Get some IC for yourself...you will need this

Drink lots of water and try to exercise

Read the Healing Library

Finding more info might be tough if you can't get his cell phone and/or they have deleted. I might do something along the lines of this:

We need to talk. Officer Whack A. John from XYZPD office called and they did a sting on some escorts. It was right after you left there from travel. They busted a number of them and, during their investigation, there were numerous calls/text from/to you. They tracked your cell to this address and called me as the primary account holder. They were certain it was you as they were able to get GPS coordinates for the location you were in. Would you mind explaining to me what happened?

Before you start, if you lie, here are the following consequences:

I will be divorcing your ass so get it all out there now. If I find out more, I am out. I need full disclosure, full access to all of your phones/email/ etc.

Best of luck....this infidelity business is a awful.

So sorry you are here miswestmom... my wife was on CL in a long term relationship with a 2x convicted child molester. They would look for others interested in swinger's lifestyle. Really quite disgusting. You have already received great advice from JustDandee.

You are on the brink of a severe emotional pain even more than you may have now... Once you have confirmation from him, it will be a waterfall of emotion and pain quite a bit more than you feel now. Somehow just seeing this stuff pales in comparison to the confrontation and the admission. Mine didn't tell the truth right away and I had to hack the information out of her.

Consider secretly recording your conversation with him when you do it.

You can place a voice activated recorder under the driver's seat of his vehicle... use velcro to affix it. Also can use GPS attached by magnet or enable google maps to track his location. Be sure to have control of all places he checks mail when you enable it because any new place you logon to his account and anytime you start the gps logging it will send an email.

Check bank statements for cash withdrawals and spending money at places that are not familiar.

If you have the money, hire a PI.

Not sure where you are in your relationship whether you'll stay with him or leave but certainly agree with seeing an attorney.

Any proof you get should be stored in copies and away from your home where he can't reach it.

Something to know about cheaters is that they are living a different life away from you. This life is giving them great satisfaction and for some, any threat to that causes either violence physically or mentally. The trust you have for your husband is gone, yet you have x years that you've known him. It is an imbalance because your mind says you know this guy but your logic says this is not the person you know. The lost trust cannot be regained, it can only be rebuilt from the ground up. That is hard to do because in normal relationships, you learn about someone as you begin to trust and vice versa.

I think in your heart, you know if you're going to stay with him... there may be certain boundaries that you have but after everything my wife did, I wanted to stay with her and I knew it the moment I found out. Your emotions and logic are going to play at each other through this regardless of what you choose. One moment you can't live without him and the next you want to wring his neck. This is a normal and healthy response... well not actually wringing his neck though!!

I think you should establish a boundary of what and how long you are willing to put up with this to get information and for him to stop. And you need to stick to those boundaries.

At a minimum...

He needs to come clean completely with you and tell him that. Trust cannot be rebuilt and we cannot move forward till I know everything. Because if any little tidbit comes out later, its going to throw us back to the beginning. Suggest maybe him journaling it on a timeline for you. If you need, schedule a lie detector test.

He needs to enable GPS tracking and provide his location to you voluntarily anytime he goes somewhere. This is not because you are that way, it is for him to rebuild accountability and trust to you.

He needs counseling whether that be pastoral or professional it must be someone EXPERIENCED in helping people through this.

Very important... every relationship has issues... its part of life. ANY marriage problem you two had did not cause this infidelity. We all choose how we respond and cheating is not a valid response. Separate the two... BUT at some point you both will need to work on marriage problems so your relationship sees forward progression.

Like you and the rollercoaster of pain you're going to go through, he will go through that too. He's addicted to his behavior because it makes him feel good but he "should" feel bad about it and avoid you or overreact in certain ways. It would be likened to a cocaine addiction. No matter how good of a wife you present yourself as, the addict will still go for the drug. Don't fall into the lie of trying to make yourself more "appealing" to keep him out of cheating. You need to be strong in this and it may be hard.

I wish the best for you and for him to stop his selfish behavior.

I am of the firm belief that you have to be as deceptive as them. I lied like a fool...

zmarley is right! That was a harsh realization for me. I had no secrets from my spouse. BUT when all this came out and she wasn't forthright and started gaslighting and blameshifting and avoiding... I had to go deeper. I wanted to trust her and let on to "some" of the information I had and when I did, she'd go deeper. I'm a penetration tester professionally and did not want to go that route but ended up on a full blown assessment with her. I felt terrible, recording her conversations, tracking her, getting into her email accounts and kik and facebook and text chats and snapping photos from her phone where she was. It killed me to do but she was with a 2x convicted child molester and there is no law that will stop me from protecting my children. That is where I learned the trust was gone and she was to be treated "trust" wise as a stranger because that's really what a cheater is.

Please take my statements with a grain of salt and I'm not a bitter person who divorced and cannot forgive... I chose to stay and reconcile as hard as it was and we are now in real, legitimate reconciliation because I can tell by her honesty and the way her soul looks when she looks at me. The gleam is back and I know it.

H3 - You are right and I am in R too, but the one thing I realized was that I didn't who the fuck my WW was. Well, I was going to show her who the fuck I really was..a part she hadn't seen. I am an IT guy who works with tons of lawyers. I went all investigative on her and peppered her with questions for which I already had the answer. When she lied, I slammed her with real facts I knew which kept her off guard. I think she was so shocked and didn't know what I really knew that she confessed to everything. It certainly was not the best me and I am not saying that the ends justifies the means, but in the case, let the games begin. Escorts is soooo low. It angers the shit out of me when a dude is paying for sex.

Midwest mom - hugs to you and I know you are really hurting, but you are going to need to make some very calculated moves and we are here to help you. You don't know how many people are behind you.

Hello. If you caught him once there is likely 100s of encounters. Mine was into NSA sex from Craigslist and other hookup sites. I wasn't as "lucky" as you... since he's hiring escorts you can FOLLOW THE MONEY... and it will tell you a lot about what you want to know.

Query the emotionless infidelity thread in "I can relate"... they know about what everything "costs" and patterns of behavior to look for. Good luck!

Hi midwestmom, I'm so sorry you find yourself here. All of the advice you have already gotten is spot on. Follow the money, check suspicious phone numbers, etc. know you are sadly far from alone. My WH exploited prostitutes ("escorts" is a word that glamorizes that sordid world) too.

You seem a few steps ahead mentally. Be prepared for lying, minimizing, swearing on graves of loved ones, only confessing to what you can prove. These guys don't just wake up one day and solicit. It builds over time. You might discover a porn habit, visits to massage parlors, then escort sites. The only thing I would add to what has already been said is consider getting a data recovery software like Aiseesoft Fonlab to download deleted text messages, website browser history, etc. also look through your H's phone contacts for unknown names and numbers. My WH had the number for his pimp programmed under the name of his best friend. I googled every number in his contacts to uncover that.

You may also prepare to demand a polygraph so your WH knows you mean business and if you feel you aren't getting the truth. Don't promise reconciliation upfront if it is something you might consider. Focus first on yourself and kids and once you work through the initial trauma and see your WH working hard to make things right, then you can work on the marriage. See a lawyer just to know what divorce would look like for you. That knowledge is empowering. My number one regret was ,jumping straight into R. I am still in R, but I gave my WH too much power.

Be kind to yourself and we are here for support. Hugs.

I discovered this week that my husband contacted an escort while at a conference last week. He had been acting strange for a couple of weeks, staying up very late, and not interested in sex. I checked our shared phone logs and he exchanged about 50 texts and a couple of phone calls with a number that corresponds to an escort service. I'm hoping some of you will have advice as to how to approach him about this - I worry that revealing I know about this one may cause him to confess ONLY to this one, when in fact I am suspicious that there have been more encounters. Thanks for your support and advice.

midwestmom, let's settle everything down and come back to earth...

I understand what you must be going thru right about now. This is very difficult and takes both courage and strength to work thru. So here is a list:

1. First, if you want to confront him you should have some evidence. Take some screen shots, print out things... showing he has been heavily contacting escort services.

2. If you have no proof he actually hooked up with a prostitute, I'd say it doesn't matter. The fact he has ceased all affections for you and is constantly calling prostitutes is a genuine "guilty" plea.

3. Once it's out on the table (and be very blunt- tell him what you know; nothing cute) and ask him why he is having sex with prostitutes.

4. Demand he get tested for STD's immediately. You have a right to know about your health.

5. He is in a pretty dark place right now. I suggest an immediate separation. If you have kids at home, either he goes or you and the kids go.

6. For #5 above, you will have to contact a specialist attorney handling only divorces. Set up temporary custody and support... You don't necessarily have to go thru a divorce, but this is to protect you and the kids now.

7. Expose. I get it when people say it's a private matter, but when people understand what he has been ding they usually aren't so fast to support him and his ways. Peer pressure may be the best thing to get him out of this.

8. My guess is that he is probably also into porn. I would think the two are close to being mutually inclusive. Demand he go to IC immediately for his sex issues.

9. If he is going to be militantly in denial, set up a polygraph for as soon as possible. Do not tell him what is going on, just that the two of you will be meeting with a professional and when he shows up, if he balks and leaves, again, it's a full confession.

Lastly, breathe. This is the beginning of a long and painful journey. You will need to decide if you want to R or D. But let that decision come in its due time.

ZMarley ~ Brilliant, just brilliant!

Please make an appointment for STD's testing.

Men who hire escorts /prostitutes have serious problems and you are wise to think there is more.

If you confront him he will deny, or admit it was his first time or even better, he was curious but he never went.

If you can, gather all evidence from credit card spending, put GPS under his car and monitor where he goes.The more evidence you have, the more successful your confrontation will be.

What are your intentions if you discover that he has been using prostitutes for some time?

Do you have children? Are you dependent financially on him?

ZMarley haha! Yes, I became a different person to her that she had never seen. I too would ask her questions that I already knew the answer for and wouldn't take her BS. Honestly I was looking seeking any opportunity to prove she was trying to be honest. I then started reaching out to her OMs telling them to go away.. she'd attack me each time I did that. I'm prior airborne, professional penetration tester and also a licensed firearms instructor. Who the H3ll did she think she was trying that SH1@? All but one of the guys ran away. I went to the child molesters house to take him out with my 30'06 but I blame God that he ran out of town and wasn't home. Funny, I told no one of my intent and my spouse was at work at the time and I left my phone at home. Came home and my pastor had left dozens of calls and a few VM saying God laid it on his heart to pray for me and reach out to me. Talk about some crazy stuff! I told her over and over again you want to cheat... put on your big girl panties and leave. Don't bother bringing the children while you're with a 2x convicted child molester. Come back when you're all used up and done and I'll even let you back. I even sent some of her friends and family her illicit texts. She was trapped because she didn't want to leave the children BUT she didn't want to stop whoring around. I felt no pity for her and anytime she hit me, I'd document it and record her admitting to it later... the cards were in my hand and it was want I wanted to deal. She'd never seen that side of me and I was playing for keeps because I wasn't going to let my children be around a child molester.