SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

And if you're 40 days from d-day your husband is still numb and a walking zombie..... That could easily last several more month. So you better really brace yourself for the shitstorm to come.

Two to five years. Realistic timeline - you're probably longer given the four year lapse in between affairs. That in and of itself says something about you, your coping skills, etc - it's not a terminal diagnosis but in the scheme of things it's pretty bad news.

Hi gonnaberg!

Is there something you could point to express your feeling why you think I don't understand what I did? Because I need to make sure I am doing every, single thing I can. Its confusing to me because I don't see how anybody couldn't understand that an affair has blown up the marriage,destroyed the BS, made everything look like a lie, and destroyed the safe being of not only the BS but the children and that it will also take extra human strength to put back together. I think about this every second of everyday. There is not a day that we don't discuss something, some feelings, some detail. I constantly ask him for his feelings and check on him periodically and very aware of making sure I give him no reason to be anxious. He knows my whereabouts 24/7. (We work together so that makes it easier than most) I give him all my love, patience,and understanding. I do mess up from time to time and that scares me because I feel like there is no room for error. I'm hyperaware that my 2nd betrayal is infinitely worse. I hope y'all understand my husband is a very private person. It took something with more pain than anybody could bear to write online at SI for him.I understand that, I understand he'd rather die of cancer than see a doctor. That's him. I can only gently suggest he see somebody or come back online to help himself.He has expressed wishes to see a therapist so I did find him one, and tried to schedule an appointment for him but they wouldn't let me. They said that he has to do it himself. The best I could do is write the name and number down and lay his insurance card down so all he would have to do is call.It hurts me to express to everybody the amount of pain I have caused him. It's excruciating and I am very ashamed. He see's that everyday and that's all that matters to me. Y'all can have faith in me that although I may not write it all out I am doing my very best to help my wonderful man. I am aware that this will take 2-5 years...maybe longer and I am ready and more than willing (let said shitstorm commence) I also know that if we get through this....there is NOTHING we can't handle together.

Hi JM: for starters - at forty days out most BSs barely know which end is up. I can't imagine your H is all that different. Your marital and divorce decisions - his and yours - will

Probably change many times before anyone lands on a

Final answer. At forty days out - there is a lot yet to sort through.

Also - just a side note - Would you be willing to break up your thoughts in to paragraphs a little please - makes it a little easier to read.

Are you in IC?

Is your H?

Are you in MC yet?

Have you started asking your why of the affair?

A lot of wAywsrds do not understand the magnitude of damage we've done - poke around a little here and you'll see it consistently - my wayward doesn't know how bad my hurt is - my ww has no idea what pain I am in - it's likened to a grenade going off.

So maybe not personal to you but your posts that I have read don't sound like you quite get it. You seem to want to gloss over the damage but I'd love to be wrong. And remember - I'm not your audience your betrayed spouse is. So how is he doing?

Your affair pattern is pretty bad news - a four year break and you went back to it.

Why?

Hi again -

just to hold myself accountable for posting to your thread, I took a few minutes to look up your spouses JFO post and it seems like based on what he writes that you don't get it.

It's a feeling thing when you get it - your poor husband.

It's a crying on the floor - OmG - what have I done pain feeling thing.

He needs to process more - you need to listen more and probably talk less. He's in shock.

You may still be in your head, denial or fantasyland - but no I don't think you quite get it yet. But it's great you're trying.

you guys rug swept affair number 1 and you're trying to do it w affair #2/same guy but it lasted longer.

You did/said all of the right things to rug sweep affair1 like you're trying to do with affair2. I'd tell your H not to buy it and divorce you.

I'm glad he's posting on here - the BSs will take care of him and help him learn ho to take care of himself.

It's a crying on the floor - OmG - what have I done pain feeling thing.

Sigh...I did that....I just don't post everything we go through. I actually remember the very moment the whole thing came crashing down on me it was on October 10th, Day 31. I know because I journal almost everyday now. I thought just as you said, I thought I got it, no I didn't, not by a long shot. It was just a normal day, I was all by myself and I just lost it. The pain I put him through Is soul crushing. If it's soul crushing to me, his must be obliterated.

I'd break down at work, or in the shower, driving my kids to school, but my pain doesn't matter right now. His does. At that time,he posted,no I didn't, I was still in defense mode, TT mode. Since his last post he has gotten two timelines, with every skeleton I've ever had. It actually felt good to come clean but that was barely felt because I was in compassion mode for him.

I'm learning and yes he's still processing and I listen,listen,listen. With my therapists help I've been trying really hard to not interrupt but I'm am practicing on that as well. Divorce is something he very well may do but it's not going to stop me from trying to heal him while I'm able.

The reasoning behind what I did are in my other posts and I'm still currently working through it with my therapist.

you guys rug swept affair number 1 and you're trying to do it w affair #2/same guy but it lasted longer.

You did/said all of the right things to rug sweep affair1 like you're trying to do with affair2. I'd tell your H not to buy it and divorce you.

We royally messed up affair 1, I've also explained how that went down. We are not rugsweeping this affair by any stretch of the imagination. I am dead set on "affair proofing" our marriage at least while we are still in it. Even If we divorce I'll continue to prove to him I love him. It's not over til we're dead. I truly hope to prove to him he is the love of my life one day (yes a very very far away 1 day) and give hope to people that people can change when they apply thenselves and truly want it.

Hello,

It looks like you have read many books and are very prolific in expressing many of the life-changing self revelations you have experienced in a matter of a few weeks. It's great that you have SI for this purpose. What else would you like to accomplish here? There are many perceptive waywards in this forum, that haven't weighed in yet. What would you ask them?

I know you, and have another relevation about yourself that might be useful, eventually. How does a compete stranger think he knows you? Background: Like your husband, I came from a good family with loving parents, basically leave it to beaver type thing. Wife and I were together 25 years. She came from a broken home, abusive father, sexually abusive grandparent and older half brother, cold and critical stepfather, mother hot and cold, 6 month stint in foster care, ect. Had lots of unstable relationships and a long on and off one with a particular charming asshole that she eventually 'hated'. Broke that off to be with me. Oh and I adored her and healed her, etc, ect... You can guess the rest of the story now can't you?

So here's the observation (or projection ) : I think you are being absolutely honest in that you have a newfound appreciation for husband you for years took for granted and betrayed. You love him now because you might lose him. Before, when you were more secure in the M, he didn't matter as much. Now though, you realize his great qualities and are desperate to hold onto him. Like my wife, love was an uncertain thing in your abusive childhood, so you recognize and value that. At the core, uncertainty and unavailability means love. OM in my wife's case was that emotionally unavailable charmer whose compliments went farther than a husband's same ol'... I'd bet the mortgage that was your situation as well. Your emotions are engaged by fear of unavailability in a lover, and less engaged by a stable one. Anyway, if that resonates then file it away, if it's bull then sorry for wasting your time. Anyway if true you need to recognize this pattern in yourself for any of your future LTRs. That way you will be prepared not to act on the butterflies you will feel when the OM contacts you in 2-6 years from now. Right now you would tell him to go away, but 2 years from now... you have work to do before then.

If your husband ends up staying with you it will be years before he can begin to trust you. He probably hasn't begun to process this. If he had a great childhood then he doesn't have a template from which to act on this level of betrayal. He will think of this everyday. Don't be discouraged, this is a marathon, not a sprint. You must understand that the rational thing for him to do is leave. It won't be the end of the world for either of you if you split up, though. It's true.

Still, the fact that he is still there is encouraging. Your best bet here is simply honest effort. I agree that you are practiced at manipulation, and BH knows that as well. My advice to you focus less on convincing him that you are sorry and have changed, and focus on simply changing. It will take sustained effort for years, but then again so did the affair. It's a better use of your time. I think you get this on at least a surface level now, but the question in your husband's mind is this attitude will last and if you can make the necessary changes. Marathons aren't for everyone. You have made a good start though.

Best of luck to you both.

[This message edited by antlered at 2:26 PM, October 21st (Saturday)]

Omg...Antlered....omg you hit the nail right on the head. That is our same exact situation. Thank you that post made me feel less alone in the world. He is from a leave it to beaver family and I basically jumped my entire life from person to person.

The relationship part with OM is what I went through as well. My husband asked me, "Why when I tell you you're beautiful you don't believe me but you believe it with him"

My answer: You love me and are supposed to think that (much like a mother with a child, i.e. Unconditional love) He doesn't love me so for him to say that it MUST be true.

I also thought my husband had healed me...I just came to the realization (thanks to SI) that nobody can heal me but myself.

Try as I might,to explain,what kind of abuses I've been through

He understands it traumatic but he doesn't, not really. How can you feel what it's like to be abandoned by both parents, multiple times, when you come from a perfect family? I do hope if he chooses R, we can go to MC and hopefully that can help.

Jesus how idiotic I was...I had unconditional love with my H...it's the only thing I ever needed/wanted and I can't believe had to lose it to figure out how amazing and rare that is. I'm crying while writing this btw. I am just so,so incredibly sad.

Edited for additional thoughts

[This message edited by JulieMarie at 2:58 PM, October 21st (Saturday)]

Yes we had that same.exact.conversation a few times, nearly word-for-word.

So we've followed the same life script so far, now why don't we make it an alternate ending type of thing, hmm?

Now, in my case her last A was the first I discovered and it became an exit affair. She was moving out of state and no way in hell would I follow her. So in our ending, she was with the old boyfriend OM for maybe 6 months(?) of bullshit dance before he did the whole distancing himself thing. She then repeated her original script circa 1990 and found someone scarily close to her ex-husband (me haha). She's a few years into that relationship and shows the signs of being dissatisfied. (We don't speak much but I can tell). So she has basically repeated the same pattern, and has not learned much. I'm mostly happy on my own if lonely sometimes. I have been profoundly changed. [FYI It was something my sheltered upbringing could never remotely prepare me for. Emotionally, your BH won't know which way is up for months. At some point he will get angry so be forwarned]

So there's My and ExW's ending, it's the easier obvious one . Why don't you change your role, write another ending. Regardless of what happens with your M, work on yourself, ok?

[This message edited by antlered at 3:23 PM, October 21st (Saturday)]

Antlered,

THANK YOU SO MUCH. This is the exact reason I stay on SI. Also it's like therapy every single day (and it's free,lol) There are so many people out there who have gone through what others have and can help them get a positive/different outcome. Oh how I want to change the script so bad. If anybody is worth it, it's my husband. I am so,so sorry you and your wife didn't work out. I'm glad your happy mostly, that's what the end goal of the journey is...just being happy. In a way it helps to know if I don't get help I'll just rinse and repeat and I WANT to be a person like my Husband. He is a truly good,unselfish, wonderful man. My ideal self. I'm not stupid...I know I'll never find anybody that good ever again who loves me that way. I mean... miracles do happen but I don't even win on the dollar lotto tickets... I'm just saying he deserves better than me, but maybe if I can become that better person, I can be deserving of him. I have a lot of work to do, and thank you. I will bust my ass doing what I need to do to be happy for myself regardless. If we work out,perfect. If not hopefully I can be happy on my own.