SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Go back and read this section again. You are FOUR years out. Your words do not correlate with someone who has done the work to understand the impact of your actions on your BH. He may be stuck because haven’t really “gotten it” yet.

Telling him that you didn’t realize what time of year it is “affair season” because you don’t want to think about it as it’s negative is wayward thinking. He wishes he never had to think about it, but he wasn’t part of that decision process.

Are you in IC to help with understanding Your why and for expressing empathy to him? This may be the piece that he is looking for from you, and his digs are because he’s tired of waiting for it.

This is it. This was my wife at 4 years. Thinking time past, tears, pain from guilt, etc. was enough to move forward, always wanting to know why I would keep thinking of the past when it caused so much pain. The reality is that she still was not really any closer to "getting it" at four years as she was at one. She thought she was, as I think smf5175 may think so too. But if a WS does not get something as obvious and clear as triggers from the affair season, then, no, getting it is still a long ways away and it is likley the reason for mistakenly feeling that the BS is holding on.

There is NO trust until a WS gets it and has the empathy deep enough to show they get it, in what they say, do, and think.

smf5175, what you said about and to him relative to his pain about the affair season shows you have more work to do in order to understand that his current pain is not about your past, it is about how you keep the past in the present by not deeply getting it. Trust is not rebuilt by not cheating again. Trust is rebuilt by showing he can be vulnerable. That will only happen if and when a WS deeply gets it and embraces empathy as their #1 priority.

Many WS's say they are remorseful, but if you do not show your BS humility, empathy, contrition, honesty it is not remorse. If you question his triggers instead of empathizing over them, it is not remorse.

smf, I see a lot of similarities in your current situation to mine. It's been 17 months since Dday for me and my WW and it feels like yesterday for me. I am still with my wife and fighting despite some sobering remarks I have received.

My wife has been very unempathetic to me since Dday and has made similar remarks that you have made to your BH. I have also been very hard on my WW, at times unconsciously trying to punish her. However I think we have turned a corner in the past number of weeks. I say this with a great deal of hope attached to it. I worry given my wife's track record that she will revert to her old ways.

Nonetheless, she has made significant strides in being sensitive to my situation lately. She's been more proactive with me and shown honest empathy. I cannot tell you how much that has done for my anger and level of feeling safe with her. I too feel like you just don't get what you have done to your husband. I also understand that you are growing tired of going around in circles.

I like What BP had to say. The only thing I would change in his post is that I think your husband needs to tell you that the marriage is over and that after 4 years he has given up all hope that you will finally get it and he is forced to end the marriage. While painful to hear I think it would make you want to try something different and finally see your actions for what they are.

I want to really thank you for your post. It has given me optimism for where I find myself in my marriage 17 months from Dday