I discovered my wife of 14 years has been in another relationship for the past 10 years. I learned that the relationship was both physical and emotional, but more emotional control over her. Apparently, he regularly verbally abused and even pulled her hair a few times.
I have never laid a hand on her and am typically an easy going laid back dude.
Anyhow, they met on the commuter train into the city. She loved sitting near him. He had a little group of 5 friends that all commuted together and had a good time, so it seemed fairly innocent. However, this quickly changed and he began making advances. He then started contacting me to hang out and then we would hang out as a group.
My wife then convinced me to loan him $40k back in 09 when he was going to lose his home.
At this time, I did feel like their relationship was unusual. I didn't know or understand why anyone would have an affair with an abusive man.
I figured this was a romantic one and tried making it easy for her to leave our marriage. I offered to help her get a place in the city and we could just separate. She just kept denying and laughing saying that i was crazy.
She would raise her voice in public towards me and the children. A couple of people had pulled my aside to ask if everything was ok with her.
I just assumed this was my fault since i grew up in a home with an over bearing and controlling mother that treated my father this way.
It all seemed normal to me.
In 2009, my wife wanted to start actively trying to have children. Every time i was about to look into their relationship closer, a major event such as this would happen which was confusing to me.
In 2010 we learned that I needed to have an outpatient surg procedure before trying for children. She really didn't want to wait another year and wanted to have kids before she was 30, so we began IVF. The first time worked but she had a miscarriage. 2nd time took and she was preg with twin boys. They were born in the summer of 2010. They were actively together during this time of IVF and throughout her pregnancy.
There was birth complication that left my wife unable with paralysis in her lower extremities leaving her unable to walk for a few months and in rehab for the next 6 months.
They took a break during this time but still were actively talking/texting and things got back to normal for them in 2011.
She would continue being harsh and critical with every move that i made. I kept trying, but all i heard was complaints. She then said this is why she hasn't been able to become physical with me. She said that i needed to make some improvements in making more of an effort with the kids. I thought i was going crazy because I was doing more than most of all of my friends.
In 2012, he decided to relocate to southern CA and thousands of miles away from us. I was thrilled, but my wife fell into a depression. She then insisted that we move to southern CA saying that there's a job out there for her.
I met a couple of friends last month for drinks and asked them if they had suspected anything and they said yes. I was shocked, but they said no one wanted to get involved since they didn't definitively know it was an affair.
This made me feel worse because I was apparently one of a handful of people who didn't know.
I then hired a PI 3 weeks ago and he uncovered messages and potential plans to go to CA for a visit.
I confronted her and she didn't put up much resistance and admitted everything.
I talked with his wife and she was actually concerned for my wife! His wife went on to say that he is an abusive man and their 2 boys are in therapy because of their father's verbal abuse.
His wife immediately left and was more thrilled then devastated saying she already had one foot out the door.
My wife was extremely remorseful and ashamed. She ended the relationship and gave me full access to her phone and has no expectations of privacy. She also has began individual therapy and we just started marriage counseling last night.
I am pretty reasonable and could understand a relationship that fizzled out prior to children. Seeing another man for 10 years of a 14 year marriage and 2 years prior to children was unbelievable.
My wife has some deep underlying issues and I was not aware of how severe they were. Not excusing her behavior but at least I am having a better understanding.
Since discovery, we (mostly me) have been very intimate. I have never felt so strongly connected with someone and need to be with her.
At the same time, I feel a strong hatred that results in me saying some pretty harsh name calling and nasty stuff. I never get in her face or anything close to physical, but she gets frightened sometimes i think when she's uncomfortable and says it's because of the 10 years of verbal abuse she had endured with the other guy.
She now says it's a relief that she was caught and she's no longer shackled since i've released her.
Here are my issues:
Is it realistic to think her relationship with another man of 10 years is just going to stop? I mean, all i had to do was ask and they both complied. She said she wanted to get caught.
The majority of our marriage was built on a huge lie. One that was flaunted. The guilt and stress led her to verbally take it out on the family for the past 8 years or since the children were born.
is it realistic to think that someone wouldn't be consumed with animosity even years later?
