SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband of 9 years recently admitted to having many sexual affairs with many different women which one was my sister. I am feeling devastated, angry, sad, lonely, depressed and betrayed. I can't get the thoughts out of my mind. Everyday is a struggle. This is my first marriage and the first man I ever truly loved. How can I ever trust him again, how can I forget? This is beyond the worst feeling my soul has ever experienced.

JulyLady-

I'm so sorry you're here. I'm so sorry this happened to you. The first thing I want to tell you is that it this is not forever. The world is going to start spinning on it's axis again, and gravity is still going to keep doing it's job. Your hair will stop being on fire. But for now, yes, this sucks.

I'm not going to tell you what you should or should do about your Husband. There is more time for there that later. And a lot of people will tell you what you should and shouldn't do about him.

I'm going to tell you that all these crazy feelings you are feeling are normal and this roller coaster is real. You're not going crazy even though this stuff is crazy.

I want to suggest that you do your best to take care of yourself. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and socially. EAt what you can, drink water. see a therapist if you can to help you process all this craziness. Do things that give YOU life. You don't mention any kids. Do you have any? Make sure you're there for them, too. But first and foremost, take care of yourself.

More people will be along to talk about the "Healing Library" and offer support. You' dont' have to make any decisions until you're ready to.

You're going to make it. We're with you.

Hi JulyLady. Sorry you had to find us, but welcome.

Weekends are slow around here, so be discouraged by that.

First things first.

1) Set up a meeting with a lawyer ASAP to learn your rights. You dont have to divorce or anything,but knowledge is power. Know the rights in your area.

2) APpointment with a doctor for a full STD test. Embarrassing but we’ve all done it, the doctor has heard it all before, and it is imperative.

3) Ask your doc for meds if you are having trouble sleeping or anxiety. You need to be clear-headed to get through this shit storm, and sleep is a must.

4) EAT and drink lots of water. Avoid alcohol. Again you need a clear head and you need to take care of you. Protein shakes are great if you are having a hard time stomaching anything.

5) Exercise. Get out and walk, go the gym, whatever. Good for the mind and the body.

6) Call in the Calvary— your close friends and family you can trust. It REALLY helps to have some nearby to talk to or just sit with you or offer a hug. Not that sister....

7) Think about getting therapy. My therapist (IC in SI speak) literally saved me the first few weeks. Since your sister was involved, that is really rough. I think IC would be good to help you process that.

You can decide about him later. No need to rush to a decision. Take time to get to know your position financially and legally, take time to get over the initial trauma to think about what is best for YOU. Do not take ANY of the blame for his affairs. None of us are perfect, but his actions are 100% his responsibility. Do not let him try to blame you.

If you want him out of your sight, then ask him to leave. It is all about you now- what you need to keep your sanity and to start the path of healing.

And keep posting. Tell us more. How did you learn? Did he confess? Do you think you have the whole story? Do you have children at home? If so, how old are they?

And do read the Healing Library- yellow box up in the corner. Some really helpful stuff up there.

Sending you strength, JL.

-BB

Hi, welcome to SI. My heart breaks for every new member there, we all share the same pain of betrayal.

It sounds as though your husband is a serial cheater. He is showing you who he truly is, please believe him.

You love the man you thought he was, not the true him.

He has some real issues that need to be addressed. Understand you cannot change him, you cannot fix him, nothing you did or didn't do made him cheat repeatedly.

Why did he confess?

I highly suggest you make an appt with your doctor asap and get tested for STDS. Him as well.

BearlyBreathing gave you some good advice. Please heed it.

Hugs.....

Hello JulyLady and welcome to the most supportive people you never wanted to meet. I'm so very sad that your WH (Wayward Husband, one who cheats) gave you the reason to come find us.

You've been given some good advice to follow and the best of it right now is just to remember to breathe, and to be good to yourself. Infidelity is as just much trauma as being set on fire but it's interior, not exterior. The results are pretty much the same. You have exposed nerves screaming PAIN PAIN PAIN at your mind, and your mind cannot find anything stable or safe to latch onto. You are going to feel as if you're going crazy. Let me reassure you that you are not. Your reactions are perfectly normal in this most abnormal situation. You WILL get through this. Your marriage may not, but YOU, will get through this.

And now comes the reading assignment, previously mentioned.

Knowledge is power, so it's time to start reading. Look in the upper left corner, at the yellow box and click on the link to The Healing Library. Read it. Read the first two posts that are pinned to the top of this forum. Read the posts that have red targets next to them and a gazillion pages. Just read the first page, not all the pages that say BUMP to get that post up to the top again. All of this material has been written by people who have a lot of experience with infidelity. You're going to want to come up to speed on the abbreviations we use, the common bullshit that cheater spout, and so forth.

How can I ever trust him again, how can I forget

You can't trust him right now. He is a proven cheater and liar. He is not a safe partner for you. The only way that HE will ever be able to try to re-gain any trust from you at all, is for HIM to do the work needed to get to the bottom of his gaping, empty hole that he is trying to fill with OW (Other Women). And that is 100% all on him. It's his work, and I'll tell you that serial cheaters, which is what your WH appears to be, rarely have the drive, honor, or guts to do the work. And even if he does, you will never, ever, forget. Won't happen. You may be able to live with it and with him (having done the work and earned your trust back again over years) again, but you will never forget what he has done. Nor should you.

Keep posting for support and when you feel able, tell us a bit more about how you found out and what's going on so we can try to target any advice for you. And remember, you are going to get a lot of advice here, and some of it is from people who are still very raw and hurting. You go at your own pace, remembering all of the time that your ultimate goal is to get yourself out of infidelity, not linger in the purgatory of not doing anything.

I have an appointment with my Dr. next month. My husband had an app that recorded all his phone conversations and I listened to many disturbing conversations between him and other women that ripped my heart out of my chest. After confronting him he then opens up to other sexual affairs and a few details how they took place. I have never been so heart broken before. I have forgave him. Moving forward is the hardest. Thanks to everyone for the support. I currently do not have a support system or anyone I can talk to. Considering seeking therapy soon.

[This message edited by JulyLady at 9:34 PM, November 20th (Monday)]

If you have no one in real life an individual counselor (IC) that deals with infidelity can help. Forget the marriage counselor (MC) for now. It is a waste of time and money at this point in my opinion. Please read in the healing library (upper left corner, yellow box). It will help you know which questions you need to know more about.

Do not rug sweep this and think that everything will fix itself. It takes lots of work on the waywards part to get to a place that you can move forward. By work, I don't mean he talks and that's it. He has already proven he is a liar. Actions speak louder than words ever will. You can't reconcile by yourself. It takes both of you to get through this. Read about the difference in regret vs remorse. Lots of BS's confuse the two. Regret is when they only regret getting caught, remorse means they are truly sorry for what they have done to you, the family, and even themselves by their betrayal.

Knowledge is power. Keep reading and posting. You will get through this no matter what. (((HUGS)))

My husband of 9 years recently admitted to having many sexual affairs -Pretty sure it's been said but sorry you find yourself here, make sure to check out the healing library. with many different women which one was my sister.- Double betrayal and the worst kind at that, sorry that familial relationship is going to suffer/end. If she has a boyfriend or husband and he was betrayed in said affair please let him know, people have a right to make informed decisions about their life. This also applies to all his affair partners(do not tell him, they will try to make you look crazy). I am feeling devastated, angry, sad, lonely, depressed and betrayed- Normal to feel this way because you were. This is my first marriage and the first man I ever truly loved. -You actually never loved him just the idea of who you thought he was, unfortunately that person only exist in your mind the real him is not much of a prize. I know it may seem counter productive but now that the veil has lifted you will mentally go back to when you were dating and start seeing all the red flags you previously missed. How can I ever trust him again, how can I forget?- Two part answer; (1)you can't until he works on himself, not to be a Debby downer but he is a serial cheater and from a analytical/ statiscal view point he is most likely not going to change his ways(you can Google up research on serial cheaters).(2)you will never forget. This is beyond the worst feeling my soul has ever experienced.-((JulyLady)) remember you can forgive and move on, really can't say this w/ out sounding mean but all his affairs probably did not take place in the span of a year most likely he's been cheating since you have been dating. Some times in life is best to move on, what ever decisions you make regarding you'r life make sure you to make them from a position of knowledge not feelings.

[This message edited by xZOOMx at 6:27 PM, November 21st (Tuesday)]

I have forgave him. Moving forward is the hardest

Sorry to say that, but you haven't and it is unlikely that you will be "moving forward". It looks like what you are doing is rugsweeping. I.e. you haven't solved the problem, it still exists, but you are trying to forget that it does. It doesn't appear that your husband has done any work to find out why he's been doing it, he hasn't faced any real consequences, so it is very likely that he will do it again. From your other post I see that you are living separately, but "that isn't helping". It is probably good that you are apart. You should use that time to find out what do you really want, start thinking about future of your relationship rationally. You have to be strong for yourself and your kids.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. Welcome to SI. Pull up a chair and get cozy. There is a wealth of information on this site with many people willing to help and share their experience and hope for a better future.