SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been 3 months since discovery of my wife's infidelity. Long story short, we are getting divorced. Im moving out within the next few months.

We have 2 kids age 8 & 10. Because we share same friends and will still both live in same community, I've decided not to tell anyone about her affair. This includes my father and siblings. I don't want anyone to lose respect for her. And I don't want it to impact the kids and their play dates. And I don't want people taking sides. And i dont want awkwardness.

We also are not telling the kids about the affair. Just that we 'didn't get along'.

I have to admit I'm concerned I'll be seen as the bad spouse because I'm the one actually moving out. I suspect I'll have people think I didn't try hard enough to save the marriage.

I'm trying not to care what others will think, but it's hard. But I feel like the small amount of satisfaction I'd get from people learning my wife cheated would not outweigh the pain and humiliation it would cause my wife.

Is this the right thing to do? I feel like it is the right thing to do for the kids. But i could also really use the support of some of my (our) close friends and family. Only people I have told are 2 coworkers who only know me.

Sometimes it just feels unfair that she basically gets to come out of this looking no worse than i do.

Tell whomever you want, except perhaps the parents of your kids' friends.

Live authentically and within whatever truths there are in life.

Telling your children that "you just didn't get along" is a lie.

You divorced for a reason and they will want to know why.

Do you want your children to grow into adults thinking that just merely "not getting along" is a reason to throw in the towel, divorce, and tear apart their families?

I divorced my XW for her adultery, despicable lies, deceit, and her betrayal of vowed trust.

I was faithful, respectful, honest, and held true to my vows to her and to my family.

She was not.

They will know both truths.

That does not mean they have to hate their mother.

But that will help to ensure that they never become like her nor ever accept being treated by someone like her.

Life has some very difficult truths to bear.

In the end though, the truth indeed always prevails.

Helping hide their affair won't get you much although I'm sure she appreciates it.

The truth fixes a lot of things.

My kids were adults with families of their own when I told them I was divorcing their dad. I told my ex that I would not lie to the kids...they were going to know that he cheated on me. When I sat them down to tell them, he refused to come in the house and be there when they found out. I believe it was because he didn't want to see the devastation on their faces when they were told.

He came in to talk to them after I told them. I offered to leave, but, he said I didn't have to but, he needed to know what I told them. I told him what I said to them, and he offered them a pathetic "I'm sorry."

I couldn't see any point in lying to them because I knew they would figure it out anyway. Besides, after all the damn lying their dad did, I was sick of lies.

I'm sorry you have found yourself here.

My experience.

After Dday, I told no one.

Five months of false R and then she left.

Another two months before I told my brother.

Another two before I told my parents.

After that, it was hers to own.

I told our two eldest children, 14 & 16 at the time. My WW is dirty on that. Said that it has hurt them. ? ? ?

Once I realized that it wasn't my cross to carry, in all honesty, the feeling of lightness was physical.

I was willing to carry the burden in the hope of reconciliation, but once she decided that was not what she wanted, I handed it back.

Your call my friend.

You will have my support whichever way you choose.

Stay strong brother.

I walked in those very shoes for very similar reasons. For me one of my reasons was also a hope of reconciliation.

It's a difficult decision. I too live in a small community where we both (she more than me) had a noticeable profile. In our case the kids are grown. She was the one who moved out. I think her plan was to live on her own for a short while and then move in with her guy when it would look "appropriate".

I told a few close friends mainly to get that - to me - abolutely vital support. For others I would say "It's her story to tell" because I hate lies. I did lie to my son when I said that I didn't know if she was dating or not after she was out of the house already for about 3 months.

It was tough. I felt like I was carrying a huge burden through a pit of burning mud. I did it out of love and duty and to protect her.

In due course she slipped and it was obvious that she had another guy and had for some time. That freed me. In some ways it was good because the hurt had lessened by that time and I didn't spew quite as much as I might have earlier.

The truth will out. It always does. The sad reality though is that most people don't care. Only those who have been personally affected by infidelity can know the horror that we go through.

I've read a bunch of stories about people who didn't tell the kids or didn't tell them for quite a few years. In most cases the kids are upset at being lied to for all those years.

Take a good hard look at your motivations though. You, like me, want to protect her. Well, we got fired from that job. You may feel a duty to her but the tough lesson for me is that duty is a two way street. Otherwise it's abuse.

In my case my STBXWW has on her own isolated herself in the next village over and is afraid still after a year and a half to be open about what she's up to and who. It's been nearly a year since she was outed accidentally by a friend on social media which freed me. I can hold my head high and continue to be (I think) well liked and respected in the community. I have no clue how she is doing socially but from indications I have had she is down to a couple of enabling friends plus some new ones who never knew her during our marriage.

I think though that one of the elements of my pride is that it was not me that outed her. She doesn't have me to blame about that. Mind you, she lied to her lawyer and probably lies to everyone else claiming that she only started seeing her guy after she left. Many people know differently. And as I mentioned earlier, most people don't care.

I hope this helps. It's a highly personal decision.

BT

(edited to fix the dratted spelling mistakes)

[This message edited by BowTie at 4:56 AM, November 24th (Friday)]

Why do you care if anyone looses respect for her? I'm sure you lost respect for her, that's why you are getting a divorce. Yes you are going to be the bad guy especially in the eyes of your children. You moved out, you left the family. Maybe you should have stayed and she moves out.

You don't have to announce her infidelity to the neighborhood but you should be honest to your children, family and friends. They are going to find out eventually and it's better that it comes from you. She will probably spin the story to blame you. It's better that they get the truth from you.

If my WH and I ever get a divorce I will be telling everyone the truth about his infidelity. I'm not going to take the blame of the breakup of the family.

I told my family what happened.

I told his family what happened.

I told close friends what happened.

Heck, I even told a few bank tellers and store clerks what happened. But, that was on a particularly bad day.

It wasn't the first time he cheated.

My kids were a bit younger than yours when we divorced. They were 5 and 7. So, they got a very watered down version. It was basically that sometimes moms and dads can't stay married. I also remember telling them at some point that there are promises you make when you get married and that their dad broke those promises.

Fast forward to my oldest being 10 years old, and he had pieced everything together. Asked me point blank if his dad had been "dating" (that was the term he used) OW/Wifetress while his father and I were still married. I promised myself that I wouldn't lie to cover for their father. So, I told him yes. I again reiterated that he broke promises and that you can't have a girlfriend and wife at the same time. My youngest followed suit shortly after. He was 8 at the time.

So, I guess long story short... Your kids are 8 and 10. There is a good possibility that they've already suspected something. You don't have to give them all the gory details, clearly. But, they deserve at least one authentic parent. My kids know I'm not going to lie for their father, that they can ask me for the truth and they'll receive it.

I think you would be doing your children, and yourself, a disservice if you keep this in the closet, so to speak. You need a support system IRL. If you don't want to trash your STBXW, I get that. But there is a way of telling those closest to you in a factual manner. You don't need to protect her from the fallout.

[This message edited by Brave30 at 11:08 AM, November 24th (Friday)]

Amen to everything Brave30 said! Read it over and over.

I can understand where you are coming from. Are you sure there isn't a pride aspect to this all as well though?

I say that, because I didn't tell my family initially because 1) I didn't want them looking badly at him if we R and 2) we had a rocky marriage and I didn't want my family saying to me "i told you so"

Now, I don't have kids, and I do understand that you want to protect them and perhaps at their young age you can give them the "watered down version" as others have said, and tell them the through later. I do agree though that eventually they need to know the truth. I agree it's important that you did take your vows seriously and just didn't hand in the towel because you didn't get along.

As for telling your parents and friends. YOU need support right now. They are just as much as support system to you as they are to her. I would tell those that you want to when you need the support. Don't bottle up your feelings just to make your WS look good still (TBH I don't think she really deserves this and you're being WAY too kind, but that's just me). It's not worth your own mental health as you struggle with all the changes that will take moving forward.

Good luck!

Everything Brave 30 said.

Also ask your self what your legacy will be. How will your children view this time? Will they say "Oh they seemed fine, then one day they said it was hard, and Dad left".

How will they feel about you leaving?

I'm with the truth camp. A nice truth. But always the truth. Be the parent who told the truth.

You are not hurting them because you told them. The will feel hurt because of what she did.

I told the whole world. It was my story too. Everybody has their own shit in the world and it's better to be authentic than to drown yourself in secrets and lies.

That's how you got into this mess in the first place.

Please don't lie to your children.

They do not need gory details. But lies are not good. This isn't a "well I don't really like broccoli either, but you have to eat it" kind of fib.

As for the rest of the world - it's really no one's business. But I guarantee the version most people will believe is that you must be getting divorced because YOU cheated. It's not the least bit fair - but all too many people seem to want to think that the man did something wrong.

Try not to let your personal reputation be tarnished to save hers.

It is very liberating to finally tell the truth about the betrayal. Tell it to the kids. Tell it to the friends. Everybody is better with the truth.

You and your kids will heal faster. The friends/community will be a great support to all of you. Some of them, unfortunately, for your WW too. But with the truth, people can deal.

the small amount of satisfaction I'd get from people learning my wife cheated would not outweigh the pain and humiliation it would cause my wife

What about your pain and humiliation? Here's three pointers

Thou shalt not commit adultery,

Thou shalt not bear false witness.

...Forsaking All others

On confrontation night, I gave my WW the obligatory task of telling our grown Kids that we were separating and more importantly WHY!

It took her weeks to work up the courage and her story line. She sugar coated it, spun it as a mutual agreement between us but didn't out the reason- her Adultery. Afterwards,

she phoned me to tell me she had contacted the kids and told them.

I got calls from them immediately afterwards asking me WHY? I explained the why in all vivid detail to them all. Later they Thanked me for being truthful with them. I married a serial adulteress who ruined two marriages prior to ours. She hid the truth from me for 15 years before I found out her real past after Dday.

I asked WW, "You want ME to remain silent for YOUR COMFORT?

I refuse to carry a lie in my mind and have to whitewash her incredulous decision to affair down, TWICE! She left me for AP2 on 8 Sept and has been gone 75 days today.

Your "satisfaction" shouldn't matter at all, Your INTEGRITY however will be with you forever and proceed you in your small community.

I am chiming in because my personal take is not the same as what most post here. Not saying one or the other is a better POV, but I feel like it’s important to share other perspectives.

My kids are 8 & 10 now...6 & 8 when we divorced. They don’t know WHY we divorced. Personally I felt like it wasn’t appropriate to share AT THAT POINT. Now, they’ve since seen how I behave post divorce vs how he behaves (for example he moved them in with a woman 8 months after moving out of our marital home...NOT the OW...and while they know I date, they’ve never met anyone I have dated and we talk a lot about WHY I choose to go that path vs the one their dad is on) and they don’t ask a lot of questions but absolutely make comments. At this point, should either ask me about it, I would be honest. My kids and I have a very open relationship. They know about how babies are made and born, how periods work, we talk about politics and morals and other important things. But it’s all at THEIR level and largely guided by what they indicate readiness to learn. They know that their dad wasn’t treating me well...my son actually used to tell my ex when we were still married that he should be nicer to me...but they haven’t indicated emotional readiness for that level of reveal re their dad’s infidelity.

In addition to that, while the A and it’s fallout was the tipping point in our marriage, it wasn’t the sole reason we divorced. I had been unhappy for years and the A just made the decision clearer for me. But to tell them ‘dad cheated so I divorced him’ doesn’t give credit to the nuanced ways in which adult relationships work, and would be slightly disingenuous. Maybe that’s not true for you, in which case the conversation is much less complex. My kids and I talk a LOT about the complexity of relationships...with family and friends and I discuss with them the importance of honesty, kindness, and caring in relationships. So they hear the lessons that outing the A might teach without me explicitly telling them dad cheated.

But, again, if the conversation ever goes that way I will not lie or cover for him. He made the decisions he did which ultimately led to us having no hope of reconciling our marriage, and he owns that responsibility alone. My reasons for not telling them about his infidelity have nothing to do with protecting him; rather they are a direct reaction to my kids’ emotional needs at this time. There is not benefit from my perspective to them know that now...and I don’t perceive not sharing adult relationship issues with my kids as lying to them. There are a metric ton of adult issues that are not kids’ business and/or are not something they need to know and the infidelity is no different to me. I wouldn’t tell them many of the myriad reasons our marriage sucked at the ages they are at, and infidelity is just ONE of those issues. YMMV and each parent has to make the decision right for them and for their kids on this. I think it’s too personal to paint in broad strokes.

As far as family, none of mine knows. All of his does bc when I told him I was filing, I said we could keep it amicable IF and only if he came clean to his family. It was important to me that he not be able to spin a false narrative about me to them (something I don’t worry about re my kids because the ex doesn’t talk smack about me to them and ask bc my kids are too in tune with me to fall for any false narrative anyone might try to sell them). My family already didn’t like him, and my relationship business was mine alone. I have never shared personal relationship details with my family because we just aren’t that type of family, and I chose not to tell them bc it would have complicated interactions related to splitting time and I worried they would react differently to him/regarding him around my kids. It’s not about protecting HIM...it’s about keeping my kids out of toxic crosstalk and bad mouthing because no kid deserves to grow up hearing shit about their parent even if *I* feel like he actually deserves it. My kids spend a lot of time with my mom and she sometimes has to see the ex bc of school stuff...and my brother’s kids go to the same schools as mine do, so the same for him...and it was important to me to protect the civility of those interactions.

I told some friends and not others. That was based mostly on whether I felt I needed their support. Had nothing to do with protecting him. The friends we shared have all ended up cutting ties with him over time even without knowing because without me there as his social buffer, they quickly saw him for the person he really is and wanted nothing to do with him. FYI I believe the same is true for kids and mine are already starting to see his ‘flaws’ much more keenly without me there to cover for him and pick up his slack.

(PS: I share all this just to give MY perspective because I feel like differing viewpoints may be helpful to read. I am 100% comfortable with my choices but don’t think if someone chooses differently they are wrong and I am right. You have to do what is best for YOU and your kids. Only you know that answer. If you’re making a decision that goes against your heart and gut to protect HER, sit on why you feel the need to protect her. But if it feels like the best decision to protect YOU and your kids, trust your intuition to know it’s right for you at this point in time.)

Several Family "pairs" less than most honorable people. Mother/Father, Aunts/Uncles, Cousins.

It all came out in full Technicolor years later.

Why? The story tellers varnished the truth to make the scenario "palatable" as they determined the listener would perceive.

So, the credibility of said story tellers forever suspect.

Tell the TRUTH - when asked - find the words to make the message as least painful to the listener but don't varnish it - "Just the facts Ma'am."

I didn't do any varnish on the facts - makes it far easier to reconcile the story years later when recounting.

The Hurt is the same. The trauma is the same. In the end - the truth is the final ending of the story.

If you tell the truth from the very first time of discussion, you won't have to remember "fabrications" or ?? - and you will get resolution/finality sooner with less angst and pain.

I never told anyone the reason why we divorced except a councilor I visited briefly and my lawyer. And mainly because they were on a need to know basis. I didn't tell anyone else, including my parents and friends, frankly because it's none of their business and it avoided the awkwardness I didn't particularly want. They can wonder, but I'm not interesting in letting them inside my sex life. I enjoy my privacy. Besides that, her affairs weren't the only reason the marriage ended. Like dry heat said, it was just the tipping point. Since the immediate aftermath, the only one I've told since is my LT girlfriend.

The only person who's business it is, is my childs. My personal view was she was too young to know the whole ugly truth, but if she ever asks later in life then I will reevaluate the situation. She loves us both and we both love her and that is all you can ever ask for.

Share what you want to share. You have no duty to let the community know about you and your ex's married sex life.

[This message edited by Randy1133 at 8:31 PM, November 24th (Friday)]

Not even a question. Throw her under the bus...when asked.