Matt,
One thing that tends to happen in this forum is that some threads turn into philosophical debates between forum members, to the extent where six, seven, or eight pages can be filled by posts from other forum members, without a single word from the original person who asked for help. For that reason, I am going to stick to things that you have said recently.
“I met Dan’s wife this morning. Just as I thought, his version does not add up to my wife’s. Dan claims my wife was the aggressor. She made the initial coffee date and took the lead on sex. His reason for the affair was feeling lonely because his wife travels frequently. He told his wife that the affair was physical and he had no emotional attachment to my wife. He said they had sex every day, Monday to Friday except when the kids had off from school for holidays or I was home. I believe him over my wife’s 3-4 times a week. Dan told his wife that he kept fucking my wife because it was easy and on demand. According to him, he’s my wife’s first affair. I don’t know how to believe that. Dan’s wife wants to save their marriage. She doesn’t want to be alone or raise their kids alone. She believes that he hasn’t cheated before. She actually blamed herself a little bit for working as much as she does. She said he gave up his job to stay home with the kids.”
So poor Dan is saying that his cruel, neglectful wife worked lots of hours to support the family, leaving him suffering agonies of lonely torment at home, and then, to make matters even worse for him, some other guy’s wife dragged him into her house and ravaged him, every day, for months. My God! What a tragic victim that man is. Two vile women, one neglecting him, and the other preying on him. What is a poor boy to do? I hope his wife feels truly remorseful for doing such a good job of financially supporting him while he betrayed her. Some women have no heart…Honestly, what he is saying is classic cheater speak. Everyone is responsible, apart from him.
Disengaging sarcasm and irony for a moment here, I do not believe for an instant that this is his first rodeo. No way. He has probably been taking advantage of his ‘stay at home’ lifestyle since it began. However, we cannot blame his wife for drinking the kool-aid. The poor woman is working hard, she has just moved to a new neighbourhood, and now everyone knows she has been cheated on, and her husband is well on the way to becoming a hated pariah. And they have only lived there for three months. Great going, Dan. Husband and Father of the Year.
I think you need to tell your wife everything that Dan said about her, because it will help to drive a wedge between her and Dan. Although this does not matter to you if you plan to divorce your wife, it will be doing Dan’s poor wife a service to make your wife hate Dan for laying all of the blame on her. It will help to keep her away from Dan, and anything that helps his poor wife has got to be a good thing. She may be deluding herself, but she did nothing to deserve this, and she is as much a victim of Dan and your wife as you are.
“I’ll keep talking to her to make sure nothing else happens.”
She may be a bit resistant to this, because it keeps dragging her focus back to what happened, but there is no harm in trying to get her to co-operate.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get the truth. Honestly, it’s not going to make a difference at this point anyway. She’s desperate to save the marriage so she will continue to lie and minimize. Talking to Dan’s wife tells me that neither will own up to it.”
I would argue that you got all the truth you needed when you walked in on them, because there is nothing deep, complex, or worthy of analysis in the dynamics of what happened here. It is what it is, and nothing more.
“I think divorce is my only option. Even with all the truth, I will never trust her. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering if she’ll do it again.”
Maya Angelou, a wise woman who survived a lot of adversity in her life, famously said this:
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Her point being, how much more of your life are you going to give someone to let them prove it again, and again? However, some who have reconciled are likely to dispute that. What really matters here is understanding yourself, and how you ‘work’. If you feel like you will never trust her again, and that you will never have peace of mind because of that, then you are right to be considering divorce, because you will never have a ‘true’ reconciliation with your wife. It will not matter what she does, or what she says, the second she is out of your sight, you will be wondering what she is doing. I had a similar thing, and it just did not go away. I am not saying it is right or wrong, I am saying that it is how I am wired up. If you feel you are wired up that way too, you are wise to accept that. An attempted reconciliation could lead to you turning into a domestic policeman, and the relationship between you and your wife descending into distrust and hostility, and that would be horrible for the pair of you, and your kids. I have seen couples whose relationships have degenerated that way after infidelity, and it is awful to see. So it could actually be better and more positive to part, and be able to be civil to one another, than to remain together, with suspicion and dislike simmering between you.
“I know it might sound childish, but why should she get to fuck around and keep her marriage? I know it’s not a popular sentiment, but I think waywards who are gifted with reconciliation are getting away with their affairs.”
Reconciliation is a complex process, demanding on both people involved, but the one thing that it is not is giving a cheat a free pass. Far from it. It is a process in which the cheated person gives the person who cheated a chance to work hard to prove that they can do better, prove that they see the why what they did was wrong, and prove that they can, at the end of all that, be worthy of staying with. To be frank, it is like an emotional assault course for both people, but it is the wayward person who really has to make the effort, put themselves on the rack, and find ways to prove themselves. It is such a tough process that quite a number of attempted reconciliations fail, because one or both people run out of energy or commitment.
Reconciliation is not an easy option for a wayward, and it is not a fast process. It can take years, and relationships still may not return to the level they were at before infidelity. That is why I think, with everything you have written about how you feel, that reconciliation is probably not likely to work for you. Your wife might be desperate to save the marriage that she just fired a missile at, but you would not be committed to it, particularly if you feel like it would be like giving her a reward. If you know that that is how you feel – and you have every right to your feelings – then reconciliation would be a waste of time, because it will not work.
To put it simply, and to pour some oil on troubled waters: reconciliation in itself is not right or wrong, it is just right for some people, and wrong for others.
“I’m not a victim and I don’t see myself as one”
That is very good, because it will allow you to tackle this with confidence. Actually, a lot of people have already commented that you have been doing that. You know your own mind, which puts you streets ahead of many who come here feeling like they don’t know which way is up, let alone how to proceed.
“I will get past the betrayal, it’s just that my wife will not be with me on the other side.”
Fair enough; that is a legitimate choice. Your wife chose to do a stupid and reckless thing, and like a drunk who climbs behind the wheel of a car, a wreck is often the consequence.
I really feel for what you are going through, Matt. It is totally unfair, unjust, and undeserved. In your place, I would be choosing divorce too. It is just how I am wired up. I am sending friendship and strength to you. Focus on you and the kids and you will get through this alright.
[This message edited by M1965 at 2:07 AM, December 7th (Thursday)]
