SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been thinking about this lately and saw another poster mention it below.

I am wondering how many people out there lost friends or had friendships change due to the affair or circumstances around it.

I've found I have a variation of reasons for losing friends or relationships changing.

One... I feel awkward/embarrassed because I spoke to these friends during the affair, told them details and they commiserated with me. Now I am trying to reconcile and things are awkward to say the least. I involved them in the sordid details and now want things to go back to normal. They can't un-know what they know.

Two...friends that distance themselves from you after the fact. The feeling that people may know..even though you personally haven't told them.

Three....friends your BS has asked you to cut out of your life due to the fact they "conspired" with you regarding the affair.

I find myself feeling a bit lonely and out of sorts with certain friends. I don't want to talk about the affair or how things stand, but it usually comes up in the course of conversation. I hate that I tainted my relationships with people and now they look at me and my BS in a different light.

Anyone else feeling like that?

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 2:09 PM, December 6th (Wednesday)]

I willing gave up the few friends I had. I’m not lonely though. I kind of enjoy having the space to heal.

I feel awkward/embarrassed because I spoke to these friends during the affair, told them details and they commiserated with me. Now I am trying to reconcile and things are awkward to say the least. I involved them in the sordid details and now want things to go back to normal.

As a BS, any friends that knew about the affair and supported you would no longer be friends. Your BH is likely going to find it hard to get past this.

I have been feeling this way also. I'm a BS. My WH and I had another married couple we were best friends with and did everything together. I really thought of the wife as a best friend. The night my WH cheated on me he was with her. In my life I will never understand how everything fell into place that day. I was supposed to go, but our daughter needed someone to watch our granddaughter so I stayed home and WH went. Her husband was supposed to go but bestie told him to go to work instead. She refused to explain that to me. It ended up my WH went with my two closest friends. I thought nothing of this because I trusted everyone involved at the time.

WH got drunk and was supposed to ride home with bestie, but opted out at the very last minute because OW offered for him to stay in her hotel room. He got home in the early morning hours, but I was unaware because I was sleeping. My best friend knew and wasn't going to tell me. It was my daughter who told me a few days later what time her father came home. I knew bestie didn't bring him because she had a sitter to bring home. When I tried calling her she avoided me. Like the plague. I questioned my other friend face to face and was lied to. She couldn't even make eye contact. It was like I had done something wrong.

I had and still have so much anger. I haven't spoken to them in a year. Once I found out what happened I thought it was a good idea to tell them all what I thought of them. I told WH going forward that everyone in that circle (including his best friend) was dead to us. If he didn't act accordingly then I would leave. He cut them out.

We are over a year out, but December has hit me like a ton of bricks. I have no friends. Like you I'm not sure if I want them. I probably need some, I sure do not want my old friends. Sad thing is it doesn't surprise me that it would happen with these people. They are partyers with low morals. It only surprised me that WH did this. We live in a small town so I'm sure most everyone knows and like you who wants to discuss this crap. Anyone decent wants to avoid the drama and really you can't blame them there. It does seem pretty lonely though.

As a BS, any friends that knew about the affair and supported you would no longer be friends. Your BH is likely going to find it hard to get past this.

Yes I have too. It just still seems like all my other relationships have been tainted. Or maybe that is just a reflection of how I feel about myself.

Lost a few friends who still works at the same place as AP.

A few friends of the H because they didn’t agree with getting back together with me after learning about my A. H didn’t care. He said not really our friends then if they can’t support our choice of R.

Overall it didn’t bother me to stop talking to them. I choose my H and our M, was willing to do whatever it took. But we are making new friends and making new memories with them.

Yes.

1. I had a few friends that I told about the affair. Once BS found out he told them he knew and was making all sorts of horrible threats like "she is lucky she isn't in the hospital right now" One friend in particular said that once he started making physical threats she had to pull away bc she has her own children to think about. I get it. there are a few others that pulled away in same fashion. Friends who supported me during but were freaked out by BS's reaction.

2. I lost friends who knew about the affair and kept trying to talk me out of it so I told them very little. I lied to them etc. When they realized I had been lying they pulled away

3. I had a friend that my BS seems to think is the ringleader in all of this (she's not) He made up lies about her trying to hook up with him so I wouldn't hang out with her anymore. He finally admitted he just isn't comfortable with me going out with her. I just avoid her now and she's gotten the hint. It hurts but what can I do.

4. I lost a close friend bc my AP was her husband. So yeah that one is pretty obvious. Although she had told me they were separated but living together and he said the same when she found out she cut me out. At first I was pissed but the rational non fogged up me knows that it doesn't matter if you are separated or divorced or hate your ex. Your friend shouldn't ever be the one your spouse/former spouse hooks up with. The pain and betrayal I inflicted on her is as great as the pain I inflicted on my husband and every day I am reminded that I broke the girlfriend code in the worst possible way. Her H had cheated a few times before with friends of hers (I found this out AFTER our A was exposed.) she had pulled away from most people and it is with me she began to trust again. trust that her h wouldn't do anything and trust that if he did I would have told her right away. I didn't. I despise myself for that.

I also lost friendly acquaintances that I think have caught wind of what I did because we don't get invited to stuff and I can feel their cold stares. I mean would you want ME around YOUR husband. Nope. I know I wouldn't.

I have also gained some new friends. Friends that see the broken me and love me anyway. Friends that are lifting me up to be a better person and not judging me daily. I judge myself daily.

Yes.

1. I had a few friends that I told about the affair. Once BS found out he told them he knew and was making all sorts of horrible threats like "she is lucky she isn't in the hospital right now" One friend in particular said that once he started making physical threats she had to pull away bc she has her own children to think about. I get it. there are a few others that pulled away in same fashion. Friends who supported me during but were freaked out by BS's reaction.

2. I lost friends who knew about the affair and kept trying to talk me out of it so I told them very little. I lied to them etc. When they realized I had been lying they pulled away

3. I had a friend that my BS seems to think is the ringleader in all of this (she's not) He made up lies about her trying to hook up with him so I wouldn't hang out with her anymore. He finally admitted he just isn't comfortable with me going out with her. I just avoid her now and she's gotten the hint. It hurts but what can I do.

4. I lost a close friend bc my AP was her husband. So yeah that one is pretty obvious. Although she had told me they were separated but living together and he said the same when she found out she cut me out. At first I was pissed but the rational non fogged up me knows that it doesn't matter if you are separated or divorced or hate your ex. Your friend shouldn't ever be the one your spouse/former spouse hooks up with. The pain and betrayal I inflicted on her is as great as the pain I inflicted on my husband and every day I am reminded that I broke the girlfriend code in the worst possible way. Her H had cheated a few times before with friends of hers (I found this out AFTER our A was exposed.) she had pulled away from most people and it is with me she began to trust again. trust that her h wouldn't do anything and trust that if he did I would have told her right away. I didn't. I despise myself for that.

I also lost friendly acquaintances that I think have caught wind of what I did because we don't get invited to stuff and I can feel their cold stares. I mean would you want ME around YOUR husband. Nope. I know I wouldn't.

I have also gained some new friends. Friends that see the broken me and love me anyway. Friends that are lifting me up to be a better person and not judging me daily. I judge myself daily.

I too willing gave up the friends I had that knew about the Ad's. They were not my friends. I dont miss them. The one friend that that is suppose to be my best friend has distanced herself from me since she found out about them.

Hi pinkpggy,

Once I read "Not Just Friends" I realized that people who were not friends of the marriage would have to go. In fact the first post I made to SI was about how hard it had been to explain it to the first person I told that our relationship was done because they were furious with me. It was the person who had introduced me to AP and had always been a friend of the affair, rather than a friend of the marriage.

There was another person from the same circle of friends who knew and was friendly with AP but knew nothing of the affair. He and I were able to stay friends because it felt like he truly was a friend of the marriage. I did ask him to not give any information at all about me or BS to AP once NC had been established. He ended up moving to another state and now we've lost touch.

There were other acquaintances that I made it a point to cut out of my life as I learned more about my MO of seeking out the presence of people attracted to me so that they could validate me. I realized that was the entire basis of my desire to interact with them. It took a while before I could see that.

Essentially if a relationship wasn't wholesome, I ended it. I would say the only exception to that was the relationship with my mom. She did not know about the affair but as a rug-sweeper WW herself when everything came to light she blame shifted my choices onto BS and the marriage, a lot like she did after her own d-days. Over the years I have persistently and consistently shot those comments down and in fact talked a lot to her about what I've learned about infidelity in the context of her own choice to cheat. She has changed her view somewhat and has at least owned her own choices a little but I don't know that she will ever fully "get it". Still, she's my mom and I love her and want her in my life. BS does not go out of his way to spend time around her and in fact when they are together there is a little part of me that is afraid that she's going to say the wrong thing and he's going to lose it.

If you are feeling the loss of connection with friends, consider pursuing something new where you will meet some people who don't know about and have nothing to do with your infidelity. I joined Toastmasters and that turned out to be a really wholesome thing for me. Just pick something you're interested in and use Meetup or Facebook or some other social media thing to find a group of people interested in the same and make some new friends. You can establish good boundaries from the beginning.