SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I wish I wasn't so jaded. I wish I believed you ever truly heal from this. Maybe some people do because obviously every situation is different but mine just seems to be worse 4 years later some days then the 1st year. He tried that year more. Not enough probably but more. I have told him over and over what I need and he does it maybe a week and stops until I bring it up again. I have accepted this is how it is most days and just give up trying. Others I'm so sad and lonely. I long for a connection to someone. He sees no problem in our relationship no matter how much I tell him and I'm like really we aren't connected emotionally at all and he says it's what he figures he deserves and it's good enough for him. So he knows there is a problem but he is happy and never acts like he is hurt or unhappy. I honestly have no idea who he is how he thinks or if he feels any emotion at all. Still I tell myself all marriages have lows for whatever reason but how long should you be in a low point? Do you ever believe marriage is more then a piece of paper for taxes and to have help raising kids again? I can honestly say I would never marry someone I loved again at this point. That gives them to much power over you. See I'm jaded.

It gets better with time

Marriages used to be arranged. The more I see how love is something that built brick by brick the more I see that arranged marriages weren't such a bad thing.

The bright beautiful love that leads to marriage might actually be putting the cart before the horse.

I don't know maybe I'm rambling.

You have told yourself the children are enough to sustain you through a sort of transactional marriage. Clearly you want more. As I said before, you deserve more.

It’s not just waywards that need large doses of self truth. You need to verbalize what you really want in your marriage, in your life. You long for connection. It’s good you said that. Lay it out for us.

You are hurting and we are hear to listen. We can be your interactive journal.

This is precisely the reason I keep wondering if I want to continue on this road. If 4, 5, or 10 years later, I'm still going to feel crappy as hell, then what's the point? Why would I live this life, when there is a 50/50 chance that I might find happiness again and put this disaster behind me? To me a 50/50 chance is better than 80% misery.

The reality is waywards are selfish pricks. They only care about themselves. This has actually manifested itself in many ways throughout our marriage, but we have turned a blind eye because we have loved them. We have said: "It's OK. I will do more of the heavy lifting in this marriage because after all when two people love each other, it doesn't matter who does what or how much." I realized this especially more when I was talking to my WW earlier this year about where we have been and what we have done to build this life together and her attitude was as if I had no contributions to our success and the life we have built together, when in fact half of that time she was in school. That was an aha moment for me that our points of view in terms of how much we have invested are totally different. I realized that no matter how much I do, she will never comprehend it or appreciate it. For now, I'm just waiting, but I am no longer committed long term.

Raises hand I am definitely jaded. I have no desire to get a D or ever meet anyone new. I healed on my own and now enjoy life for me and me only. I am selfish with MY happiness now. It has made a world of difference being with a WS that didn't 'get it' for a loooooong time.