SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife's affair happened 20 years ago and I just found out 5 months ago. If we divorce I feel that I should be compensated for those 20 years. If I had known then, I may have divorced her cheating ass and remarried and had another family. She chose my life for me. I missed other opportunities.

If someone runs over you, by accident or on purpose, they are responsible for your injuries, they may have to pay you for pain and suffering, lost income and many more.

I have lost 20 years, how do you put a value on that. I have brought that up to my wife several times and she came up with, if we divorce I cam keep my cameras and I can have our piano. Wow!

I came up with my own formula. She was a whore so I will be her pimp. Hmmm, how much would charge for someone to screw your wife. Well, I came up with $30,000. Yep if we get a divorce I want my pimp money. I want $30K per pop and I want $15K for the time that were going to have sex but did not because he did not bring condoms. She had sex with him 5 times, so that totals $165,000. Pimp fee is how I want it written up.

Ok, i'll bite. What is it you are looking to establish from this?

Realistically, if someone had offered you $30K for sex with your wife, would you have accepted? Probably not, because you seem very angry about this.

Do you really expect anyone to pay this to you? Certainly not.

So what is the point? To express your anger? OK, that's reasonable.

Are you angry that you didn't find about this when it first occurred, so you could decide then if you wanted to D? Instead, you were lied to for a long time, and that option was stolen from you. I can't imagine how that feels and I'm not trying to tell you how to react.

Are you doing things to move forward in your recovery? Is your WW working to earn R with you? Have you asked her about this? If she wants to "work off" this sum that you feel you are entitled to? And if she said yes, how would she do that?

You seem more than angry at your wife and the AP. You seem to hate them. I could not imagine demanding payment from my wife for her affair. The payment is either she earn my trust back (which she did) or we divorce. I know this pain you feel. I had hate for the APs. I had some hate for my wife. But if I was going to heal, I had to get that hate out of me. You will never be able to recover (divorce or not) if you have this type of anger or hate in your heart.

..there isn't enough money in the world to compensate me for the betrayal of wife and bff, nor the 40 years of lies I've endured.

..the death of the bffOM from a brain tumor was perfect for the price he had to pay.

..the price my wife is paying is simply having to live with what she did.

hang in there Jimmy... if I can make it, anybody can!

smy

I don't think those replies are fair. Of course he is angry. If someone offered me £30k to sleep with my wife they would have my boot in their neck. There is no amount of money. That is a ridiculous thing to say IMHO.

As to the cost of an affair. My WW has cost us an awful lot of money and we are still together. The misery, depression and drinking are pretty expensive. Divorce would be more so. I hope to avoid that as it will only cost my kids.

edit: somanyyears, posted at the same time.

[This message edited by Lawyerman at 9:53 AM, December 21st (Thursday)]

Hi Jimmy.

I understand your anger and it is totally justified.

I had a business that I had to sell and move because I could not stay in that part of the country emotionally anymore because of the A. I lost money on the new house we had bought and had to sell at a loss. I had to take a job at 25% of what I was making. So I had/have an actual dollar amount of actual financial loss that I could attribute to the A. It was well over a 6 figure loss. I didn't deserve that and should have been compensated for that.

Fast forward almost 10 years from D-day and 8 years from loosing my house and business and I restarted my business in another part of the country. I don't have a house by choice but this year my business will have made almost 3 times what my old one did at the time that I sold it. Looking forward to this upcoming year I expect another 40% increase.

My point. It gets better man. What our BS's did to us was beyond wrong. We deserve to be compensated. The reality of it is, I don't think BS's get financial compensation for what we've gone through very often. Karma has a way of working things out though.

I've had to work hard to get to this point in my life. I have a lot of work ahead of me still too. You can rise above this. You can make a new life for yourself.

No, I can't put a dollar value on it. Some things are more valuable than money.

In Texas you can ask for the cheating spouse to pay you for "wasting of community assets". In my case it's multiple years of prostitutes, one night stands, etc. my attorney said I would need to hire a good forensic accountant. Your cheater may not have spent enough on the affair for it to be worth that.

Jimmy, I've been reading your posts and I can feel the pain and anger. If she's not doing cartwheels to win you back, you might want to have time away from her. Complete no contact. The day I did that was the day I started healing and the anger began to fade. Not because he deserved it, but because I did. Your anger means nothing to her and it only hurts you.

I'm sorry for your pain and I can tell you are coming here to vent and this is probably the safest place. Don't forget that not everyone will understand you, so take what you want from the replies. You are in control of your future. Sure, she took 20 years, but don't let her have any more. Focus your anger to help you.

The divorce industry (ugghhh) does very little to acknowledge infidelity in how things are split up. IN my state (NC), it only is a factor if the cheating spouse wants alimony. There are laws on the books that supposedly allow folks to sue for "alienation of affection," but those cases almost never win.

So, in my case, I had to pay several thousand dollars for the privilege of having been cheated on and then having my XWW poison our daughter that her infidelity was my fault.

You think you're a victim of fraud?

The A is costing my WW the house. We are selling it and all proceeds are going into my personal bank. I'm using the money to finance my further education to get an MBA. I'll make sure all of this is done before a D (if we go that route).

I understand your anger totally, but your not getting that paid out. Look please vent away if it helps you heal but in our country unfortunately infidelity is often a non factors when divorce and division of assets are taken into consideration by the courts. Frankly they don’t care and don’t have the time to listen to be said she said, so they don’t. He best way to avoid getting screwed is to have leverage and strong arm before legal proceedings, mediation prior that is favorable to you.

I beleive that cheating spouses shouldn’t get a dime of worth from the marriage over what they financially contributed, no ifs ands or buts. But the laws don’t see it like that and you have to change your strategy to play by those rules.

Perhaps the most effective thing to do besides a prenup is make a post nup that favors you as the primary beneficiary of interest in assets, and no alimony paid.

Or set aside assets in a blind trust or in foreign bank accounts through more dubious means... but not advising this either for legal reasons...

Make a post up a condition of R. Leverage and force never pan out after legal proceedings start in these situations...only prior

My exw was remorseful from the get go and we didn’t have much between us so she didn’t ask for anything in the D.It was her way of trying to apologize to me. But I’m not sure how I wouldn’t have reacted if she expected a dime of alimony from me. I’d honestly rather have burned the money and property than give her a cent...but long story short, know the rules, play by them to win, and have some leverage in your favor.

[This message edited by nicenomore at 11:58 AM, December 21st (Thursday)]

I agree there is no dollar figure to compensate for the pain, suffering and wasted years.

With that said, during my WW's first affair, her AP was basically living in my house for 3 months. He owes me rent and utilities for those 3 months. He also got her pregnant and I paid for the abortion she had. He denied responsibility and she was unemployed at the time. Between them they owe me what that cost. She paid for the times they went to a hotel during the last affair in 2011 using joint credit cards as well as bought lingerie. As far as I can figure, from the information I have, they went to a hotel 7 times. They both owe me half of those costs. She also manipulated me into a rather expensive trip to Las Vegas, for our 30th anniversary in 2011. She was actively involved in that PA as well as the EA at the time. Obviously I would not have agreed to that trip or expense if I would have known the truth. She owes me what that cost.

Ohio is a joint property state as well as a no fault state however I can sue for divorce for cause. If I did that I would ask to be compensated for the following:

3 months rent and utilities $825.00

Her abortion $400.00

Hotels and lingerie $700.00

Las Vegas trip $7000.00

Even if we filed a dissolution I could/would still list those expenses on my side of the distribution of assets and make sure the records reflected why I was making that claim. I'm sure the rent and utilities would be denied, I'd just put it on there again, to be reflected in the records.

Jimmy,

Everyone understands your pain, agony and questioning of your marriage and vows.

You can divorce her, or ask to recoup any money she spent on her affair.

But, gently, no one owns their spouses genitals.

The pain and anger are real becuse this is one of the hardest things about infedelity is that there is no real way to get even or be compensated dor what was stolen from you. I'm so sorry and had and still do have anger around this that I choose to hand over to the Lord in my case for my own self. I can eat you alive. It is so hard. I struggle for quite some time of how to deal with this and where to put it. I'm sorry you are going through this. Even if you guy all of those things you would still not feel even I think. The pain cannot be matched.

I would have given every penny we had to prevent this, yet my H did it and can't take it back by handing me all the family money. If I wanted a D I think my H would give me everything I wanted financially but I don't care.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 2:11 PM, December 21st (Thursday)]

My asshole WS cost me my sanity and now I struggle with depression too. I don't think there is any amount of money that would compensate for what I have lost.

I like how a colleague's client handled it. He sued. He lived with her part year in Canada, and part year in the southern states. He sued both her and her AP for damages. He suffered impotence as a psychological consequence of her affair. He sued for loss of consortium,(that is the legal term) in the southern states. It was documented by several psychiatrists. He underwent a battery of tests, tried every drug known to mankind. Nothing worked. The lawsuit was kept quiet, the AP was the WW superior,and CEO of a publically traded company. We did a lot of fancy footwork. We used both sides of the border against them. Our lawyer (ugh, to argue in superior court we required a state bar certified guy)basically made it a slam dunk. They settled for a six figure amount. The publicity would have destroyed his career (we knew the makeup of his B of D going in).

The plaintiff, quietly moved off to a well known tax haven. Somehow miraculously he regained the ability(I suspect but will never be able to prove he had some assistance in temporarily causing impotence OR fucking them over big time cured him). In any event, he is living down there with a local. His ex has no idea where he is, her relationship with her boss soured, and she changed companies.

did she offer to come up with the money?

I have lost 20 years

I understand that it feels that way in your heart, but those 20 years are as intact as ever. You had them, lived them, enjoyed them--and what she did only steals the memories because you are letting it. Your memories may be tainted right now, but nothing about those years has changed. I hope you eventually can realize that.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 1:46 PM, December 27th (Wednesday)]

Come on...what is the value of your right arm? If an insurance company gave you 300k based on your current income and work that you would have done til retirement, along with a little pain and suffering, would you agree? Doubt it.

You cant put a dollar value on people in any way without degrading people in general, but you know that.

You are angry--I get it. At some point you have to make the choice for yourself to let some of it go for your own health. My WH had sex with OW like 10 times. Maybe 12. I get the anger. I get it. But truly, you are hurting yourself by clinging to it and letting it fester like this. You want to punish your WW? I wanted to do that to my WH, too. And it took me 6 months to understand why that does ME no good. So I've almost stopped. I feel better for it. I slip sometimes, but whatever.

I hope you find some peace.