SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You probably already know this, but try to put all communication in writing, even if it's just a text, nothing verbal, in case you need to use it in court.

The journal that was suggested is a good idea. You could buy a small date book, or get some kind of app on your phone, or use Google calendar or even send yourself an email (and that would have your time stamps on them automatically).

You sound like a very strong person. I think you will do well.

Just caught up here.

Is your XW's vehicle registered in your name?

If it is legally your vehicle, you could be liable in civil court for damages even if someone else is driving with no insurance and has an accident no matter who is at fault.

The insurance thing was just a side comment...It's nothing to worry about or get hung up on. Nice to think about but it don't really matter. I let her know anyhow. Not my problem.

How are you doing RockStar Dad? I hope you and your boys are settling into your new normal.

Ok...it's been good to have closure but it hasn't gone all the way away yet. Still ponder wtf happened but highs and lows are leveling out nicely.

Still really want them to implode. I could really forgive her then and probably manage a semi-functional in persontalking relationship with her. Bigger, I can consciously read what you say and understand it's the best way to think about but I don't want that in my heart yet. Hopefully I can get there someday. A lot more indifferent than I used to be but I still want to watch this end. Hey I am still under 5 months from day so I got time. Read everything on the internet about how affair relationships end again which wasn't helpful. Probably not healthy...need to move on. It's just happening slow. Oddly what I type reads like I am angry but that isn't what I am feeling hardly at all. Kind of feel like the end of there relationship is the last chapter in this affair story and I just want that book done with. My life is being written as a separate book now and I just started chapter one.

XW tried to screw me over after I found out a check she had written bounced. There had been an agreement on splitting some debt and this was supposedly already taken care of pre final divorce. Long story short I didn't engage but gave her three days and then text via app that I would be taking the next steps to recover the money. I got it in cash tonight. I asked her to stay while I counted it out loud, maybe slightly dickish...but hey she deserved it and need a to know I don't trust her.

There is some stuff I found out that do to sources I cant reveal. I will be keeping a VAR on me at all times for the future. One minute she will try and stick something to me and the next message will end with "thanks!!!!". Still doing gray stone here and sticking to the app for communication. I am going to have one more conversation about school districts next week and then all the face to face should be done for a long time.

Other than that going well. I had gone down a waist size and getting close to going down another. Healthy eating, weight lifting, quit smoking, taking care of mind and body. Looking better than I ever have including the army days. Best thing is I like the new lifestyle.

Kind of a cool thing happened today with the shrink (affectionate abbreviation) I was talking how I still felt disrespected even though I consciously believe this had nothing to do with me. He asked me why I never cheated. I said it goes against my values of who I am and I would never do that. The shrink explained the alternative answer is that I would never want to do that to someone else becaus e of how it woould make them feel, but that that answer isn't as good as if you could negate the other finding out then it would be ok with that logic. He said in my answer I wouldn't cheat because it would be a betrayal to myself. My XW betrayal wasn't to me it was to her (yea I get that it was to me too but that is ancillary) and that she never really considered me in the equation. This betrayal hurt her more because she betrayed herself and that she is feeling it. This fit nicely with the affair not being about me or the marriage. This is her self sabotage because she is not worthy and she tried to bring me down as she escaped the boat that she knew, in her mind, I would have thrown her off eventually anyway so she took preemptive action. In truth I never would have but that's her screwed up thinking. Alternatively she could have worked on herself to being herself up to my level but she didn't make that choice.

Very interesting to hear him talk about the subconscious. He says that is what drives everything. Glad mine isn't that messed up. He says that by how I talk he can hear what my subconscious is saying and through talking about it retrain those things in my subconscious after bringing them to the surface. After those things are retrained my subconscious will no longer hide things from me and seeing flaws like deception and not being able to trust someone will be easy.

For example the shrink says that when I met XW my subconscious helped hide the things I saw that she could not be trusted. My subconcious hid them because my fathers cheating made me think all relationships would end eventually anyway. Therefore I pick people that are not trust worthy so that when it ends I am the one that looks like roses while the XW looks like the whore. He said my subconscious has been very successful... which is kinda funny now to think.

He said it would have been obvious to see her faults early on but I didnt want to see them subconsciously so I didn'tsee them/hid them. Once it is fixed I will see them right away and make sorting women really easy. Benefits in the job as well as a bonus.

Hard to type the whole thing but it makes a lot of sense when you talk about it and then we apply the thought/subconscious theory to her actions and for that matter mine. The inner susubconscious motivation comes out for what is happening. It probably reads like voo doo but its pretty cool. My advice to anyone who has had multiple cheaters in there lives would to be to see a psychologist not just a counselor. Counseling was great for the trauma, and until I got through the I intial crisis I couldn't have done psychoanalysis anyway so no regrets, but I can say if I do the work I am pretty darn confident I won't be back on SI again (posting my own stuff), which is what I want. Not that I don't love you all.

Other than that I got a shit ton of school work in the next two weeks. Been a huge struggle to focus. I remember the end of last semester doing finals with her walking across the street to his house. Ugh. Progress is being made.

I do think I am going to move. I need to be not just out but away from the circus. I have noticed that they are playing off of me. For example I grilled out and they left and came back and put a fire pit in there driveway and sat and drank cocktails it and looked at my house. I don't need the drama. My life is about me and the boys nothing to do with them. Waiting till after school is done and then that can be the focus.

Apparently they still drink a lot and got Celtic knot tattoos on there ring fingers. More teenager type decisions. Heard this from XBIL. Switched the topic and talked about other stuff. It reinforces getting the heck out asap but I don't need to talk about it with him. We switched to talking about a duck hunting trip to the Dakota's I was thinking of doing next year. More fun talking about that.

Been very tired lately. Think I am coming down. Going to call in tonight and take a sleeping pill and catch up. Last night I drank two cups of coffee and slammed a monster and couldn't stay awake 10 min later...it was bad. I wonder if I am going to start needing 8 hours sleep again. It's been 4 hours a night for 5 months since I first suspected with few exceptions. I was just learning to like it....lol.

[This message edited by RockstarDad at 7:36 PM, April 26th (Thursday)]

Hi RD:

Yeah, I'm not at all surprised that in the aftermath your body is saying "Hey, remember me? Thanks for all the healthy stuff you've been doing but I NEED SOME SLEEP".

I've been praying for you since the final D date was given...and then postponed, and then done. I thought it was so great of you to not disrupt your boy's lives by staying put....but as I have been praying for you it occurs to me,, it's really too much to ask for you to keep looking at that shit show, especially if they are staring you in the face. And how weird for the boys to be stared at by their mom, or to see her staring at you.

So now my prayers are for strength for you and a great new home.

RsD,

That is a tremendous leap forward in your self awareness that the doc has unlocked. Anything that adds to your emotional intelligence creates growth in you.

In a perfect world with a perfect WW you could live across the street from each other and share custody...always being there for one another on a whim. I think for people on the outside it's easy to see how good this would be for the kids sake. But... she wasn't a great wife, she isn't going to be a great Ex or neighbor. I'm sure if you weren't doing grey rock she would be over much more often and it would really be messing with your mind, OM mind and the kids mind. I also wonder how your WW would/will take it when she sees a female go into the house or a new car parked over night.

All the triggers. I think that if you were in a different house and your Ex moved nearby with a new man (not OM) it might be a little different. You need to be healthy too. I hope you are able to find a place that works for all of you.

I get the subconscious part. I must admit when you were writing early on about finding out your WW had 100's of partners, and cheated in past relationships, had a one-night stand baby daddy plus a convict boyfriend... I thought "What were you thinking?" I think you were thinking ... "What a pretty single lady with a young child." and ignoring all of the red flags. You will be much more alert next time.

Apparently they still drink a lot and got Celtic knot tattoos on there ring fingers.

Silly neighbors...the removal rings didn't work but maybe these permanent ones will. All the drinking isn't a good sign and it looks like your WW might already be having money problems.

Thanks for the update.

Sounds like you are doing well. I think you should move too. You probably need a fresh start. If you do meet someone new I doubt that person will want to be near your ex. They both sound quite petty and I doubt they will last very long.

I could really forgive her

Hey! Despite my “holier-than-thou” uber-mensch, Stoic stance I would never expect you to forgive her per se.

It’s more an acceptance that because of the kids you will inevitably have some interaction for the next 15 years. Chances are it will grow less and less over time, and once the kids are young men then maybe no interaction.

During those years it’s to YOUR advantage that her environment is as stable as possible because that’s what’s best for your boys. You might get a kick out of hearing there are issues in mommy-town, but it should cause you more pain knowing you need to send your kids somewhere there is no happiness.

But for all I care you can throw darts at her effigy after each and every hand-over.

I think your IC is on the ball. The reason I don’t cheat, steal or do other comparable things has little (if anything) to do with being caught or the consequences of others, but everything to do with what it would do to ME.

Good for you, RockStarDad. Good for you.

I took the max dose on the sleep meds plus melatonin and got 10 hours last night. Feel great I needed that.

Bigger, I think I am spot on with what you are saying. I accept what happened I just resent the shit out of being replaced especially as it relates to the kids. If they broke up and she found someone else I could shake the new man's hand, have a beer and talk about the kids with no problem. I would like that. This current situation I don't have that desire. I will do what I need to by my kids and I too hope that there is a good environment over there when my kids are there. BIL said OM has been making a effort with the kids and she sits on the couch. That's good that He is trying but the multiple father figures in his life bothers me. I get it that I will always be the one steady rock, but there is going to be a price to pay with the kids someday. What FOO issues arise out of this is something I am not looking forward too...

She still has money troubles. Two automatic withdrawls of 125 dollars failing to pull means she ain't being financially responsible. And the BIL said she was drinking rum and coke at noon one day when he went over. Luckily nothing around the kids that I know of. I think she likes not having the responsibility on her days without the kids and acting like a teenager again. He seems to be a better choice than me for that lifestyle. As long as it ain't around the kids I don't care what she does. It's sad really...to toss your life away like that. She could have been retired and living well in 17 years...at age 50 all she had to do was put some work in. Being a BS sucks but I'd rather be one that a WS.

The ring finger tattoo thing is just another indicator of childish/foggy thinking. Gonna be a hell of a reminder for her someday I think.

She looked like she aged 5 years when I saw her yesterday. I hope she turns it around someday for her own sake. Ugh what a shitty way to live.

For the record it was 50-100 men before me and there was no convict involved. Her promiscuity is her issue not mine. I only know of the one during our marriage but there were some married men in there before. Her morals are bankrupt. I remember looking back having some reservations at the 9 month to a year mark but she got pregnant and I went all in. I Think that is her MO and i aint going to be accross the street when that happens. I didn't lose much when I lost her I just lost the dream

Plus my being here lets them focus on me just as much as I think about them. I don't desire to be part of there lives.

Gonna stop talking about them now. It no longer matters. I am at peace with myself. I just got back from the bank and my credit is good enough to get a loan which is great. It's good to have options again.

Finding something wrong with the subconscious with the IC is a relief. I got something I can fix to make me better and prevent this charade from reoccuring.

Waiting to get my picker fixed, but when that is done I can start dating again. Apprehensive and looking forward to it at the same time.

Going to let this thread go. It was kind of my journal. Maybe I will print it off and throw it in with the other divorce stuff. I appreciate all the help, guidance and support. If something happens I will revive it. I got out of infidelity as fast as I could in the best shape I could which was the goal. Couldn't have done it nearly as well without the support I found here. I'd mention you by name but I would forget someone. I read every post multiple times and appreciated all of them. Thank you all once again.

Feel free to post closing thoughts or predictions and perspectives. Definitely come back to read them and curious as to what you all think.

To those who may be new to just found out who read this, remember it will get better. Do what you think is right, hold your head up high and keep going one minute one hour one day at a time. My thoughts and prayers will always be with you. Your not alone and you will be happy again.

"For the record it was 50-100 men before me..."

You asked for predictions. Mine? Her past will dictate her future.

All the best to you and the kids.

God speed to a good man and a great dad ( even if he isn’t especially humble i.e.Rockstar Dad). Well done sir. I predict that within five years you will be remarried to a fine woman and an expectant father again. Oh, and your oldest child will be the youngest phenom in the NHL playoffs. As for your WW ..... who cares.

Congratulations on escaping!

You should be proud of what you did and how you did it! Keep your head high!!!

And when she comes knocking on your door because her life is destroyed, simply smile and close the door!

I won’t wish you luck because you don’t need it. Everyone who has read your thread knows that great things are ahead of you!

It has been great walking with you through this Rockstar. The way you have handled this has been of the utmost class. I wish you the very best in the future. God bless.

Good going RockStar. You sound like you're on track. Hoping you have a great life from here out. Take care of yourself.