SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m not into or in an open relationship, nor do I have any interest in changing my very-monogamous marriage into an open relationship.

However, data indicates that open marriages have a comparable divorce/success rate as us in the vanilla-variety marriages.

What is clear though with “successful” open marriages is that it’s an agreement, the agreement is known and there are accepted and respected borders around that agreement.

For example: A couple might agree that there is no emotion, pure sex. There might be limits on financial spending on lovers. There might be a rule on safe-sex, cleanliness and protection. There might be a limit on time spent, frequency of meetings. There might even be an agreement on secrecy and a joint “blind eye” so you pretend to think she really is meeting “the girls” and she pretends you really need to work “overtime”.

The rules are known and both parties are accountable within those rules.

I can’t find your story. I don’t know what sort of affair your wife had. If it was “just” a quick romp in some stranger’s truck or an in/out at a motel then… well… maybe you two could agree on an open marriage. After all the affair was more of a sexual nature than an emotional one (often a prerequisite for open marriages).

But if it was a build-up with emotional attachment, romance and dreams of a future… If it was an exit affair… If it’s still ongoing and she can’t break it off… then offering an open marriage is a lot like trying to call your truck a boat after driving into a lake.

Are you OK with the thought of your wife being with another man if it’s with your knowledge? Will you be fine with going to bed on a Friday night knowing she’s at the Howard Johnson with Ted – the guy she told you about who hit on her at the mall the other day? If you are fine with those thoughts and/or think you two can agree on ground-rules for an open marriage then you could open that discussion with her.

With all due respect, I apologize for the threadjack, but I am curious about all the people who say it's so much easier for a female to get laid than a male. I also noticed that most of the people saying this are males themselves. If that's true, then why have I suffered long sex droughts in the past, during my 20s too which is supposed to be my peak sex years? And the most prominent sex drought occurred when with a WBF too...yep, denying me sex while giving it to others.

So, as a man single for a few years in his 50s, some observations:

- Most women can "get laid" easily, if they are willing to drop their standards.

- They know they can get laid, but they want relationship, not just a hook-up

- A large number of men are just looking for a hook-up

If you went without, it would depend on what you were looking for, and your relative attractiveness. A man looking for a ONS isn't going to stick around to try and connect emotionally.

Like Zaphod said, there will always be a Chad looking for some free sex with just about anyone with 2 legs and a vagina. It may get harder for women as get further away from your better years or perhaps you have let yourself go some, but alcohol can make 3's look like 8's. And Chad's love beer.

So, as a man single for a few years in his 50s, some observations:

- Most women can "get laid" easily, if they are willing to drop their standards.

- They know they can get laid, but they want relationship, not just a hook-up

- A large number of men are just looking for a hook-up

Actually, I was NOT interested in a relationship whatsoever when I was looking. Again, I'm probably the weirdo anomaly. In fact, I wasn't interested in being in a relationship with anyone except my at-time ex-BF at the time. So definitely it was just about wanting sex. I've been like that multiple times in the past too, just looking for a hookup and nothing more, particularly following after each of 2 long-term (1 yr in length) relationships. I'm the type who doesn't like jumping from one relationship to another, but I do like the idea of jumping from one relationship to a new and exciting sex partner. I guess that would be called a rebound hookup?

And yes, Randy, my looks went downhill. I won't say I "let" myself go, because it was beyond my control and caused by severe health issues, but I did gain 40lbs in only a few months. Most of it was in my abdomen and legs. I had health problems causing this, and it wasn't just weight gain, it was a problem that caused major varicose veins and cellulite in my legs too. And an enlarged uterus that had me looking 16-20 wks pregnant due to giant cysts, no baby (that's the size my uterus measured at the time of my cyst removal surgery). This also happened in the summer, when it was too hot on most days for me to wear pants to cover up my hideous legs. I definitely noticed men giving me weird disgusted looks, almost as if they were thinking "why does she think she can wear shorts?" I also felt insecure about myself because of the health problems and other stuff. I also lacked friends who had people I could meet or network with for social stuff.