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How delusional can a wayward be. She thought she could try this relationship with the confidence that you'd still be there.

All those years you thought she was insecure. It was more likely that she was projecting. It is HIGHLY likely that she has cheated before.

She went into a this affair with her eyes wide open. This was not a drunken ONS. She went there to basically test drive this guy for 5 months.

Either he dumped her after having his fill of her or she thought his short falls made him less of a catch than you, so she's back to you demanding R.

You didn't mention having kids. With her being gone for 5 months, I'm assuming there were no kids involved. Which should make kicking her to the curb that much easier. Yes 16 years is a lot of history but it was only valued by you.

You have been dragging this for so long after infidelity etc, and it looks like you are not very sure about what you want to do (may be in two minds)though you have not mentioned it in the post

Thank you, everyone, for your responses. There are a few that I would like to respond to (not that the others weren't valuable or important).

My first wife was borderline personality and they are extreme in their views and emotions. Very hard to live with. She had frozen me out of her life after 15 years after she had an affair. Then she was sort of shocked when I chose divorce after MY efforts to reconcile failed.

The larger question is do you want to be married to this person -- forget the affair for a minute. If yes, try the reconciliation. She gained 10 pounds, lost physical attraction -- that happens, that's not a sin or a fatal blow.

But it sounds like she is simply unstable emotionally and there will be more heartache in the future. Try to find out.

Meantime, definitely consult a divorce lawyer so you can be prepared for the worst. Your divorce would probably be ugly -- as mine was.

Thank you, Ferus. I'm interested in the significance of the 15 years. There is a poster at the Talk About Marriage website whose marriage to a BPD crumbled after 15 years as well, and he has studied this and concluded that BPD people will get sick of dealing with their fear of abandonment with respect to their spouse, and walk after 15 years, like it's a scientific thing. I don't know.

With regard to her weight, I wrote "tens" of pounds, not merely 10 pounds. She was about 140 when we were married and went up to about 200 or a little more. Since then she has stabilized at 170 to 190. I can't help it that I'm not attracted to that and after her affair, I no longer have interest in trying to pretend.

Now she has an interest in concealing the emotionally unstable aspect of her personality, but yes, yes, she is. And that's one of my reasons for not wanting to reconcile. Let's say I can wave a magic wand and make everything like it used to be. Do I really want to risk putting myself in the same position with respect to her as I used to be - on the receiving end of her controlling and abusive behaviors? Afraid of going in public places with her? Being made to live my life in shame? I can never go back to that. Hell, she even tried shortly after coming home, but I wouldn't accept it and I told her she no longer had any right.

I don't know if you posted about this before, but I would like to hear more about how your divorce turned out. You can pm me if you like. Thanks again.

How delusional can a wayward be. She thought she could try this relationship with the confidence that you'd still be there.

All those years you thought she was insecure. It was more likely that she was projecting. It is HIGHLY likely that she has cheated before.

She went into a this affair with her eyes wide open. This was not a drunken ONS. She went there to basically test drive this guy for 5 months.

Either he dumped her after having his fill of her or she thought his short falls made him less of a catch than you, so she's back to you demanding R.

You didn't mention having kids. With her being gone for 5 months, I'm assuming there were no kids involved. Which should make kicking her to the curb that much easier. Yes 16 years is a lot of history but it was only valued by you.

Thanks JSmart, you are correct about most or all of what you write.

One night during one of our arguments she admitted she expected me to forgive her right away and was shocked when I didn't.

When I was at the height of my shock and having trouble understanding this, my lawyer and therapist both had to tell me how common projection is. It was a revelation to me and really threw our marriage into a whole new light.

She will not admit to any further cheating, no matter how many times I ask her. I know she had what I now know to be an emotional affair back in 2010 or so. I didn't really care that much, other than the obvious double standard (how would she feel if I got so attached to some girl?) and in fact was relieved not to be the center of her attention for a while. Before she left for Nepal in 2016, she told me that when she was there in 2011 she went to a hotel room drunk with one of her other old friends but insisted that they didn't do anything, even though he wanted to. After her affair, I pressed her about it again and she still insists that she didn't do anything with him. It's like, you have nothing to lose now, so just go ahead and tell me if you fucked him. But she won't admit to it.

Regarding her affair partner, yes, it was a 5-month test drive. He's a loser who still lives with his mother, never has developed a career, doesn't want to work, and was always hitting up my wife for money as well as sex. He can't take care of her, can't take her in, can't give her health insurance for her asthma. He wanted the pussy but none of the responsibility. They have stayed in touch ever since she came back home last March (in fact, the night she arrived, I saw a message from him on her phone). He recently blocked her in Facebook after she said she couldn't give him money. This is one of the biggest losers on the planet. But, damn, he's hot (insert eye roll here).

He was also already married and unable or unwilling to get divorced for my wife. After my wife left to go see him, his niece told me he also had a long-term girlfriend in addition to his wife. So was he cheating on both of them with my wife...how does that work? Lol. I don't think my wife has ever known about this girlfriend and I don't feel the need to tell her.

Yes, we have no kids, thank God. Our sex life always sucked. But it's a blessing that I never actually had children with this person.

[This message edited by OneLittleVictory at 11:54 AM, February 11th (Sunday)]

If this was an investigation, it would be an "open and shut case" if their ever was one. It's all about her. No mention of remorse. No acknowledgement of her selfishness. No mention from her concerning her vengeful affair being baseless and in response to an affair you never had.

Marriage, is supposed to be mutually rewarding. Unless there's more to it, you're just surviving, not prospering. She has significant issues requiring IC, but her narcissism may prohibit her from actually seeing it. The audacity to "demand" a reconciliation speaks volumes. A remorseful WS would be enthusiastically graceful and show the BS why she deserves a chance, not demand it with words.

Throw in not being attracted to her for good measure and April can't come around fast enough for you. Seems as if she's going to be trouble for you after separation, so you're going to have to think through strategy with your attorney on how to proceed forward unscathed as possible. From the sounds of it, getting her to move and/or sign divorce documents may be difficult. Time to restart and live the life you deserve though.

[This message edited by Jorge at 12:34 PM, February 11th (Sunday)]

She’s a serial cheater, she deserves nothing from you other than D papers.

File, D, move on to a better life.