SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WD

You say

I just think I have fallen out of love. I want to love him and want the family unit but there’s something not there

You have been in a fog for so long you are unable to be attentive to your H. Your passion has been elsewhere living in La-La Land. Abandoning your AP will let you circle back to your H. I'm assuming you loved him enough at the time to procreate with him.

Aw, Wildest Dreams...I thought my marriage was over too. My best advice there is don't make any decisions while you are in this state. I gave myself 6 months to just not fret over a decision there, to do some work on myself and put my efforts in my marriage. And, you know what? Way, way before 6 months were up I had, and felt, a completely different picture. Just concentrate on NC, and IC, and be present at home. Try and concentrate on the good things in your life, be thankful for them, and let those steps lead you. I feel so much for you, I was you. You actually have several benefits that I didn't when NC was first in place. I didn't feel guilty. I felt like what I had with AP was special, etc...and I still came out with a different picture. Be still.

Wildest- I am going to tell you a story. I was first a BS, then a WS. My Wife was going to try and take her affair to the grave with her, probably for th same reason you think is best: to spare my pain. But I found out. And I went off the wagon, and ended sleeping with the OMs wife. Some BS do less than I did, some do ALOT worse. BS always find out. And I will say this. Having the decency to be humble contrite and have the respect enough to tell him, vs him catching you, is a MASSIVE difference. Honestly? It could be the difference between him saying some not nice words, and showing up to your APs house with a loaded 12ga shotgun, and doing some hunting. How does that sound, pretty fucked up and scary right? Well it happens. You have the ability to do some damage control here. But there is one constant. He will find out somehow someday. And how he does will make a big difference. Your AP is competition to him. Your respect for him is what can make the difference between bad and worse, angry and rage, and honestly? Life or death. This is not something you can play around with.

You messed up. Hell, everyone on this forum, we all did somehow. You have disrespected, humiliated and dishonored your husband, and you are hurting yourself. Your AP is a nobody, a loser, and when the light is shone on your affair, only then you will see it for what it is. Do the right thing, not just for your H, your kids, the OBS, but yourself. You don’t want this tragedy to become a bigger one.

I hope this message sinks in.

Lucky, I do love my spouse but like I said I don’t know if I am in love with him but you are right, I have been in this fog. However I am under no illusion about AP, emotionally he gives me nothing! Perhaps this week is the wake up call I needed to actually end it for good!

Hikingout, your advice is invaluable. Today is a bad day and reading your message I think you are right. I’m going to try to give myself time to work on it. I can’t see myself ever allowing anyone to touch me again let alone my husband. I feel disgusting.

Nicenomore, thank you. Scary reading but I take your point although my husband is much more likely to cut me off completely and be rightly disgusted by me. I read your story. You have been though a lot. I hope that things are better for you these days.

Sad.

So typical.

A lot of your assumptions about your relationship with your husband may be more flawed and mistakened than you realize.

Life's regrets....

The love but not in love, usually has to do with self and what you are doing or not doing to maintain and nurture the relationship. It usually is significantly more about self than what your partner is doing or not doing. Plus... More often than not, your partner is acting the way he does, more often than not, as a response for what you are bringing to the relationship.

You can't spare your partner the pain from infidelity. It is a debt that has a very high interest rate over time. Pay it up now and let go of the consequences...

Then, build a new one with who both of you are and end up. Grow together or grow apart. Yes, painful for all involved. But, potentially very rewarding for all as well.

Or, pay it later with even more pain and consequences. Or, watch it drag the relationship down to a ghost of what it could be... Usually causing lots of slow steady pain along the way.

Nothing swept under the rug goes away... The dirt is still there. The lump under the carpet. The allergies react even if the dirt, dust, and pollen is out of sight. Black mold is still unhealthy for those who live around it, even if you don't know it is there or where it is hiding.

All of your actions and reactions to your husband now include this variable. Your husbands actions and reactions will be based on your behavior. What you do, or don't do now as a consequence. Only, your husband will be ignorant of the true facts. He will fill in the missing information based on false assumptions. Usually... Blaming himself significantly more than you realize.

Or... Perhaps.... In the doldrums of a failing marriage, he will also reach out for someone else to take care of what is missing in the relationship.

It sounds like you have invested some time and energy growing and developing the relationship with the other man. Time and energy that could have been invested in tge marriage relationship. What would your marriage be like today if you had invested in it instead? Would you be feeling differently about your husband?

Actions and inactions have consequences.

Quietdan, yes I agree with what you are saying.

I can’t tell him, it terrifies me. I will think about it. I’ve made such a huge mess. Feel like my life is over at this point.

You say NC is “tricky”. I’m curious what you mean by that.

In order for an affair to work, you have to start rewriting narratives in your head. It will be near impossible for you to work on your marriage while you have a third person in it.

We convince ourselves that we don’t love our spouses or that they don’t love us, but unless you strip it down and start talking about the things that really matter with each other and be completely honest, you will never really know. You may find that your perspective of your marriage isn’t as accurate as you may think. We make a lot of assumptions in our life. We have a lot of expectations. Both can lead to a terrible amount of disappointment. It’s amazing how much light a little honesty can bring to a dark situation.

I see you making a lot of assumptions about what your husband will or will not do. You can not make those assumptions because you never really know what will happen until you are there. I made assumptions, members before me made them too. I’ve seen a lot of marriages survive. I’ve also seen a whole lot of them fail. There are patterns to the success stories and there are patterns to those that fail.

You are still at the fork in the road. I hope you choose a path that is healing for everyone involved.

Two years, is a long term affair.

The on again off pattern is often indicative of one type of stable affair relation. The relationship has turned physical. If you continue the relationship, that will probably continue to develop and increase as you find a new normal.

At this point. This is a way of life for you. By your choice. You will probably learn to find a way to mentally adapt and accept the transition into this new stage of development of your infidelity. Two years is a substantive amount of time. The mental skills, techniques, and tallents required to manage the manipulation and deception should be well engrained hard wired automatic reflexes by now. Long term habits are very difficult to break.

Do you find yourself in automatic auto pilot mode around your husband as you pretend to be his faithful wife, while you are thinking about and daydreaming about and planning your next conversation and time spent interacting with your affair partner?

For some, the experience of infidelity and affairs have been compared with and closely associated with compulsive addictions.

I have often heard the comparison that the on going experience is similar to being a drug attic or alcoholic...

In which case, outside help and support can often be very helpful in recovery.

Another aspect, once a wayward.. always a wayward... A former wayward never takes.. faithfulness for granted... They know they are capable of being a wayward... so.. they carefully guard and protect themselves from every getting into situations that create temptation and chances of failure...like a recovering alcoholic, always on guard and careful not to stumble and fall. Ever mindful to be a "Safe" spouse.

[This message edited by QuietDan at 9:59 PM, March 11th (Sunday)]

.... Accidental Repost....

Revising to the following.

Lot's of broken toys on this site.

Welcome to the island of broken toys.

Many of the other broken toys have found a way to be mended, and are willing to share and help.

Many are still broken and in the process of being repaired and rebuilt...

Some more broken than other...

[This message edited by QuietDan at 9:46 PM, March 11th (Sunday)]