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t doesn't matter if they bother the WH. If he truly wanted to R and not for you to just get over it already he would answer the questions to the best of his ability with compassion and empathy. It appears to me he wants to rug sweep

Agree with "it doesn't matter if they bother the WH" but not that if they truly wanted to R they would answer with compassion and empathy. Nor do I think their impatience and frustration means they want to rug sweep.

Im sure that's true for some but some are just emotionally unable to get over their own feelings to be compassionate and empathetic. Their betrayal ability shows their self-centeredness, their selfishness, their lack of compassion and empathy if it's a toss up between their feelings and their feeling for their spouse.

Wanting to achieve something and having the ability, the whatever it takes to achieve the want is something else. So some may truly want to R but just don't have the wherewithal, the emotional and psychological maturity to act towards R. Indeed, if they had all the qualities, the strength, the patience, the integrity, the love, it takes to R, rather than just want to, then they might not have done what they did in the first place.

I realized well into a year of dealing with H's frustrations, his feelings of remorse and shame that I was expecting my H to act like the man he wasn't--like the man who would never had done what he did in the first place. It made no sense.

What does make sense, is that they can work really, really hard to change; they must work really, really hard to get over their impatience, their frustrations and become empathetic and compassionate--to get over their feelings.

So yes, I'd ditto your H reading the MacDonald book over and over again. I also think he should be working with an IC and an MC who hold his feet to the fire.

Prickley, the beginning of discovery for me was in Feb. of 2017. If I had stopped asking questions--or more precisely, not studied up on the behaviors, etc., I would not have had the huge confession of today.

One of the reasons I knew he was lying is because he would get mad at questions, just like your WH. No reason to get mad or defensive if you're not still a player, IMO

Steadychevy- he has read that book. His issue with me asking questions is that I say that he didn’t try pre-A enough and he felt that he did try and that I wasn’t putting in the effort to improve our relationship. The thing is he never brought up his issues with me of the fact that he wasn’t feeling fulfilled in our relationship. So that’s where I point out that he didn’t try hard enough to improve our issues. This is the argument we get into every single time. We just get stuck in it.

Marji - I don’t think he wants to rug sweep. If he did, he wouldn’t bother with MC, IC or retrouvaille. I do agree with you, in that I’m expecting to see him to be someone who would have never done that by now. He just might not have the emotional maturity or capacity to do that yet? I can ask him to re-read that book. We have limited choices for IC and MC due to where we live and kind of have to take what we have right now.

Cnnabc- he doesn’t get mad at the question but my reaction to his answer. He thinks I’m invalidating what he’s saying or I say it doesn’t make any sense. He gets frustrated because he says what’s the point of me asking the question when I’m not going to believe his answer. I just have a hard time believing him because it doesn’t make and logical sense.

Sorry Prickly. I now see you answered regarding Linda J McDonald before. Missed that. Again, sorry.

Steadychevy - no apologies necessary. Thanks for replying!

WW here. I got questioned for 2-3 years. I was frustrated and we argued until I got medicated to think rationally.

Bottom line is he either gets it or he doesn’t. He learns or he doesn’t. He gets help with his crap or he doesn’t. My BH says now he wishes he would have served me with divorce papers instead of arguing with me, instead of putting up with my shit, instead of yelling at me. He regrets this now. He lost some of his dignity by stooping to my level.

Root - thanks for your honesty. He just loses his patience after a while of repeat questions and then the questions always circle back to the “why” and “how could you”. It just falls apart at that point and then tempers flare on both sides. So I might have to start asking myself whether or not I’m getting any benefit from the questions anymore - like sisoon suggested.