SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Good for you!!! Seriously!!

Try to work on being alone. Have you ever been alone or have you always been with some one? Being alone can be hard but it can help us grow. We as people need to be able to be happy healthy people even if we are alone. Noone can make us happy. Hapiness has to come from inside.

Sure it's always nice to have a companion. But NEEDING somone to hold you and MAKE you happy is unhealthy. If your getting your self esteem from your relationships with other people then it's only fleeting.

If you rely on a man to make you happy eventually they can't ALWAYS be 100 percent there to make you happy and then BAM there you go looking for some one else to validate and make you happy. Looking for that new love high. That new crazy deep emotional kibble to hold you over.

No one has a responsibility to make you happy. That's all on you. Sure no one should make you miserable but seeking validation through others doesn't last long. It's fleeting. The buzz wears off. Look up the word limerance. That's the feeling at the beginning of a relationship. All the love chamicals over ride your brain. It's the reason 2 people get insanely in love in a super short time get married super quick and just as quickly get divorced. The limerance wore off.

Just hold off on dating or chasing your stbxh right this second. Find yourself. Better yourself. Advance your career. Improve yourself.

If one day you want to try to be with your ex hubby again look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself " am I an asset or a liability for him ".

If your an asset and a healthy strong person give it a try. If not yet. Work on it. Be the person you should have been before this all. Strong indipendent moral kind and sane. Let your ex hubby see that ( no not dramatic and crazy like) and maybe he might notice. Maybe. No gauruntee. Even if he doesn't you are in a better place then you ever were before. Every day is a new page. A new chance to take steps in the right direction.

I would tell your stbxh. Not in a here is my truth now I want you back. more like this.

"Ex hubby. I have to tell you this. I need you to know for 2 reasons. 1 because running from the truth feels like shit. And 2 because I don't want you to EVER blaim yourself. You did absolutely nothing to deserve this. I don't want you to look back on our marriage and wonder where you went wrong. You didnt. I did. I was / am a messed up and damaged person. I'm working on that. Every day is a battle within my mind to find the reasons I could do something so damaging to you , our family and myself. Every day I'm trying to be better then I was the day before."

If you absolutely HAVE to slip in a little hope for something more ( which I'm pretty sure your not ready for right now ) maybe add in something like " I hope one day you can forgive me. I know you will never be able to forget. I also want you to know I still hold a torch for you. I'm nowhere near ready to be a safe and responsible wife or partner again but maybe one day. I don't plan on seeing anyone for a good long while maybe never. If you ever find it in your heart to give us another chance , something I know would be a gift and not something I deserve, I will be waiting. I will always remember how great of a husband you where. I'll always remember how poorly I treated you, but maybe one day I can be what you deserved. If you could ever see it in your heart to give me another chance I would cherish till the day I die."

I'll be honest, I don't know if it's the best things to say. There are wiser souls here who might disagree. But in your situation this is what I would say. Just please don't restart anything with your stbxh unless your absolutely sure you will never do this again. Being burned on the same spot twice hurts more then anything in the world from what I hear. Don't put him through that.

I believe he deserves to know for his own sanity. It's all up to up to you and I would like to hear what other posters have to say about it.

Even if you don't confess I believe you have taken a great big step today towards healing yourself. It's not easy seeing ourselves for what we are. We always want to give ourselves excuses. We always go easy on ourselves.

And please don't see you om as a good man. Good men don't chase after married women. I don't care what excuses he used. " I know it's wrong but I just can't controll myself. " is just a bullshit excuse and he knows it. I'll tell you right now he probably felt like a Frickin champ for stealing another man's wife. It's a big part of being an other man. At least it was for me. I was a piece of shit that enjoyed the idea of being superior to another man. I got high off the idea. I thought I was the cock of the walk. A total bad ass all the ladies fell for. I thought I was so charming and good in bed that I could steal another man's woman.

And another thing don't self loath to much. Hate the person you WHERE. Become something better and learn to love that you. I can tell you right now as bad as you where and or are, I was MUCH worse. I was a damaged and evil pathetic little soul. I was involved with my stepmother since I was 15 sexually and in other messed up ways as a young child. My childhood was truelly messed up and chaotic. The amount of hurt I felt and gave out will never go away. I hated myself and just about everyone. I hated the world. I blamed all my problems on everyone else. Yes I was in a way my step mothers victim. But I grew up and knew better and didn't stop. It took alot for me to face my inner demons. To find my whys. To work on me and START to become the man I always wanted to be. I'm still trying. Every day is a new test. A new challange to be better then I was. I'll tell you right now a good IC was key to doing this. Try to find one that challanges you and doesn't let you excuse yourself. You have had some bad run in with them so far but there are good ones out there. I'm sooo lucky to have found mine.

Everyone can change. It's hard and requires introspective some people are not capable of but I believe your up to the task. Keep it up girl! Your at the doorway to a new lease on life. Don't throw it away. I have high hopes for you.

[This message edited by Adotta at 5:38 PM, April 17th (Tuesday)]

When I was still with AP, at least I knew I could count on him to be there for me. I have nobody now.

Something happened or you found something about AP to drop him even if you did not get back with your H? Is AP married. Your stand on staying single just to show H your commitment is noteworthy. A WW by the name Sophie (with two kids) in Talk About Marriage has a story where she was caught by H but stayed single after D and apparently they are back together after about four years.

[This message edited by goalong at 6:39 PM, April 17th (Tuesday)]

Joneswoman....

Be honest here...we're all a bunch of strangers to you, so why lie?

Let's reverse it. You're marriage dies. You have no idea why. Your H withdraws from you, starts being a prick to you and you don't know why. You've had enough and file for D.

D is final. Then your H tells you that he was sleeping with your good friend for that entire time, and all of his out of town trips were actually sex-fests with your friend. And that's why your marriage died and why you never stood a chance. But now he realizes that his AP isn't all that, and guess what? HE'LL TAKE YOU BACK bc things didn't work out with his AP! Also, he does still have a lot of fond memories of the time he spent with AP. He says he regrets what he did, except he loves those fond memories of the hotel romps!

But lucky you, BECAUSE HE'LL TAKE YOU BACK!

How would this make you feel?

"A WW by the name Sophie (with two kids) in Talk About Marriage has a story where she was caught by H but stayed single after D and apparently they are back together after about four years."

Yeah she posted that on love shack forums too. I was thinking about mentioning it but didn't know her story was here as welland Loveshack forums have been down for nearly a month now so i couldn't point her to the story.

It's one of the few stories to work out like that. Her husband started dating again and ran through a good number of women. She stuck it out. Never lost hope. Worked on herself and became someone safe to love again. They worked it out.

Her husband actually posted his thread on loveshack as well. He was dead set on divorce. Dead set on cutting her out of his life. He was a lawyer so he had his i's dotted and t's crossed and papers filed in record time.

There where another few stories like that as well. Some guy named dtk3 or something. His wife cheated. They tried reconciliation and it just didn't work. He divorced her and she stuck it out. He also ran through a gauntlet of women before he was wooed back by her. They had alot of trouble after getting back together but eventually worked it out.

Question is are you willing to stick it out? Each of these women had to sacrifice YEARS of thier life with not much hope of getting back with thier husbands (ex husbands ). It worked out in the end but the road to get there was jagged and painful. They had to watch thier former paramour date one woman after another. Some would call it fair comeuppance but it's still sad. Noone should laugh at someone who has to sit through that. I can't even imagine the hell it must have been for them.

I don't blame thier husbands at all though. Cheating emasculates a man. It makes a man feel like a sexual dud. And rarely is a ww capable of reinstating sexual confidence. It will always seem like pity sex. It will always seem like the "price" a ww has to pay to keep thier marriage and family. A man betrayed will wonder if she faking it. Women know when we guys blow our load. The sticky stuff is proof. But men.... we just have to trust our women that they O'd (usually). Just like we usually have only thier word to go on that our children are actually ours. So unfair but meh such is nature. The world is rarely fair to men it seems. At least that how it feels as a man.

A new woman on the other hand is a great confidence booster. There are no kids tying her to you. Her leaving you in the dust doesn't label her things she would rather not be labeled. There are no kids involved. No houses or finances. She's there and she sticks around just for you! The ultimate salve for a betrayed man's wounds. I've heard the saying " the best way to get over a woman is to get under another. " seems to ring true.

So in closing. Are you up to the task? It will be even harder then reconciliation because your ex husband will be in no way working with you. You won't be able to talk to him much. Every second of contact with him will have to be used to best effect because your not going to get many chances. And again he still doesn't even REALLY know. Maybe he does but that's conjecture at this point.

I really hope you can do it. I really do. Stories like that make me all fuzy inside and give me confidence that love can survive just about anything.

[This message edited by Adotta at 7:31 PM, April 17th (Tuesday)]

Sophie was a troll.

" Sophie was a troll. "

Ahhwww. That sucks. Are you sure? Over at love shack her story stretched almost the entire 4 years.i find it hard to think somone would commit to 4 years of posting with only a few chunks of times stretches in between just to troll.

Well I KNOW dtk3 and his wife where not. They where corner stones of the community over at loveshack. And there story was all kinds of ups and downs. They went through the trenches and came out the other side burnt, bruised and scarred but together.

It's not exactly unheard of that divorced people remarry.

[This message edited by Adotta at 7:44 PM, April 17th (Tuesday)]

Yeah....it was sad when it came out. She said in her 2nd thread that when her H asked how many times they had sex, she told him the truth: 3.

But in her original thread, she said she was with him for several weekends in hotels, and that they also did it in the city they lived in before work, during lunch, after work, etc.

When someone pointed out this conflict, she tried to say that "did it" meant hang out. She never every tried to explain how 3 times matched up with several multi day/night with trips in hotels.

When she started getting questioned on this in her most recent thread where she said they are back together, she then just disappeared.

So what if you make all of these improvements and you and your XH start spending time together, maybe he has broken up with the GF (and you should hope so, don't become your AP), and he starts to look at you differently. When would be a good time to tell him? After you had 1 date? 2 dates? After you've had sex a few times? Maybe after you've told the kids you are getting back together? The truth is that will just send him back into a spiral and you know it so there will never be a good time. You should tell him now and then follow your same plan. Improving yourself, healing yourself will help you be a good partner for someone in the future whether it is your XH or not but withholding this information until you have him "hooked" again will kill him.

BTW - Count me as someone who thinks he probably knows some to all of this and that may have something to do with his ambivalence towards you. You won't give him the respect to at least tell him why you ended the marriage.

Adotta- that is some really good advice. I really have never been single. I have had 2 serious boyfriend, then BH, then AP. That's all, and they were all back to back. It makes a lot of sense that I truly need to learn to find happiness in myself. That is a real eye opener.

I appreciate you showing me an example of what I would say to my BH. Wish I would have read that before I talked with him a few days ago. It was messy, and probably came off a little desperate. I don't think I totally scared him off, but he is pretty much just sticking with encouraging me to get some help. I suppose that is best for now since I won't be emotionally available for him for quite awhile. Maybe I can write him a letter when my head clears a little bit, and incorporate some of your wisdom.

I have a pretty solid plan for myself for the next couple years. I am starting a RN program in the fall. Have been working on setting myself up for this for awhile. Like I already said, I have 3 kids, so I will be very busy. Just need to focus on getting through these next few days, and weeks. My counselor appointment went well today. I am seeing her weekly. I am also back in church, praying, journaling, and waiting for some self help books to come in the mail. I am so very determined to change. I will prove I love my husband. I can stick this out.

Thank you for your encouragement. And thank you for sharing some of your story. Sounds like you have come from some very difficult times yourself. Glad you are able to help others now with what you have been through.

goalong-

I don't really understand what you're asking. Nothing crazy happened with my AP. He is not married. He went through a divorce right when we started seeing each other. Has only been with me since. He is very much in love with me, and wants us to have a future together. I am the one who has struggled with what I have done, accepting it, and forgiving myself. I just had enough of feeling like that, and realized I could never truly get healing from the A if I did not leave him. Regardless of if my H decides he wants to R with me, I still don't think I can be with him. It just wasn't meant to be. Wasn't ever supposed to be.

Let's leave the goings on at other sites at those other sites.

Sorry....

I figured since it's dead, it's not really advertising them anymore.

Won't do it again.

GoldenR-

I did not say I had fond memories of hotel romps. I was trying to be honest in admitting I fell for my AP. We had much more than just a sexual relationship, so naturally there are some good memories there. I don't understand what you expect. I said I JUST broke it off with AP. Can I not have a short period of time to process everything? Am I supposed to immediately hate the man? He made the same bad choices I did. It's certainly not ALL his fault. I don't wish to remain his friend or anything, but aren't I allowed to admit my feelings of regret and remorse at this stage or is that not appropriate because I still might have “feelings” for him.

I get what you did. And yes, it made me feel awful and completely unworthy of ever being loved by my husband again. I understand I don't deserve him. Are you trying to tell me to kick rocks?

What I'm telling you, is that is how your ex-h is going to interpret what you tell him. No matter how you sugar coat it, no matter how you spin it that it is all on you and nothing to do with him, he's gonna see it like that.

He will feel like plan B. And it's a horrible feeling.

When you tell him, it'll be old news to you, but it'll be the present for him. It will be his D-day, a year or two late, but still a D-day.

He's going to want to know "Why now?". Wh not back then? Why not love and respect him then, when you were his wife.

You need to be prepared for anger and sadness like you've never seen.

One thing I'll advise, don't tell him until you are totally over your AP. No good memories of him can remain.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 9:29 PM, April 17th (Tuesday)]

goalong-

I don't really understand what you're asking.

What I meant was there must have been something missing in your marriage to get involved with the AP in the first place. Then as you described everything that happened there after is to the detriment of the marriage and you were happy with AP and all indications were that you are going to be with AP long term. And all of a sudden you changed your mind

JW -

Your affair remaining secret has sabotaged you in so many ways.

1) it has kept you in this in between space.

2) it has kept your husband blind to what the REAL issues were in your marriage. Keeping him from doing what he needed to make himself whole. Most likely making him feel broken and defeated.

3) Your husband was unknowingly in the presence and potentially influence of your AP... in an environment where he could receive daily feed back from your AP, people the AP influenced, or the AP's work friends that was/is designed to influence you husbands opinion of you and or your marriage.

4) when you HAD your chance to reconcile, your husband had no clue he had competition.

5) keeping this secret has kept you from being the woman he fell in love with for so long... that "YOU" is most likely dead and gone and this secret keeping, lying, cheating, mattress-back that stairs back at you in the mirror (as you wipe away the tear from mourning your marriage) is the "YOU" that has taken her place. and the old "YOU" can never live again as long as you keep the your affair secret from him.

6) you have kept this secret so long and with deception to such an extent that you probably don't even know who you are; but the man who loved you, with all his heart, and made 3 perfect little people with you sure as hell has no clue who you are....

Its true, if you tell him he may hate you. But if you don't tell him, he will never really know what happened to your marriage & why it failed. And he will never be able to truly love you again.

Out of curiosity do you really love him and miss him? I ask that not to be my usual shitty self, but to point out a few things...

If you truly love him, wouldn't it have hit you when he moved out????

If you truly love him, wouldn't it have hit you when he filed for divorce????

If you truly love him, wouldn't it have hit you when he met someone new????

Why did it only hit you once the divorce was final??? I have a theory.... Something snapped in your life ~2+yrs ago and you became much more emotionally immature & still are... here is what i mean, like many young women (teens-mid 20's) you seem to want what you "can't have". except its no longer the bad boy or the guy the parents hate, or even your married English professor now it shit that has REALLY FUCKED UP your life. here is what i mean...

Affair is the forbidden fruit.... you want it you bite that apple.

Only its not dangerous enough it has to be something so close and so "In-Your-Face" to your husband... but its your secret...

Your husband move out, but.... Hey, he's still your husband, and besides you still see him..

Divorce is filed... hey you both decided it was best, but you can back out anytime .... right...

But now he is getting along well with out you, has a SO, now you start to realize you might not be able to have him anymore... so you start to be nicer to him, show him more caring and affection... just to see if you can still have him.

Now he takes your bait and wants to work on your marriage, you jump in just to make sure he is serious... then you realize you can have him so you and your secrets Sabotage the R.

Its all taken so long you never realized how close to the end you really were.....

Hell, the divorce was taking so long you probably only wanted it because you thought you couldn't have it. you even stopped going to the court house with him.

Then 2 weeks ago he calls you to tell you the divorce is final... and you realize... "YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM, ANYMORE"

Then you realize you CAN have AP, and so just over a week ago you break up with him.

Only light and time can fix what you have destroyed. You must shine a light on what you did, what you hid. It will take plenty of time for that sting to go away (if ever). Then take time to heal yourself. And make no mistake, you are broken, otherwise you would not have cheated and deceived in the vile way you have.

Lastly, you said/imply that your husband must know and be in denial... and you might be right but here are a few thoughts...

1) with the AP being a co-worker of BH (unknowingly to him), odds are that bug was put into his head (just not who) in order to blow-up your marriage.

2) if he did know and was in denial, then he tried to save your marriage and R, so what do you think that says about how much he lovED you??... unfortunately for you, that's a love you can't have anymore!!

Just my shitty thoughts!

"What I meant was there must have been something missing in your marriage to get involved with the AP in the first place."

Oh boy do I cringe when people say that. It's usually not true in my opinion. At least not always. Maybe 50 / 50. It stinks of blame shifting. No marriage is perfect. But that's no excuse. I'm sure you don't mean it quite how I interpreted but that's how it sounds to me.

The rest of your post I think she basicly answered didn't she? Or at least as well as she can currently. She got woken up because her divorce is going through. Something that probably should have happened earlier for her own sake. She has also stated she felt guilt and no future with an ap.

I think your trying to digg for a lie maybe? Maybe you think she doesn't want to admit something else happened?

SEADOUG those are some interesting thoughts. I kinda wondered why she only broke up with ap AFTER divorce was basicly set in stone in her face barreling down on her. I'm guessing she might have always thought she could always get him back if she wanted. I mean she broke up with ap a WEEK after final notice. Maybe that's what go along was hinting at?

And yes I agree big time on women these days LOVING the forbidden fruit. They want what they can't have or aren't supposed to have. Men too but I think women suffer from it more.

[This message edited by Adotta at 10:14 PM, April 17th (Tuesday)]

"What I meant was there must have been something missing in your marriage to get involved with the AP in the first place."

I keep hearing that as well. My new counselor even brought it up today. I really don't have a good answer, so maybe there isn't one. We had a pretty good marriage. There was nothing that my BH did to push me away. I did it to myself because I got curious, and liked the feelings I was getting by pursuing a relationship with AP. It was 100% selfish on my part. My BH is not perfect, but definitely did not drive me to want to be unfaithful.

I think what’s golden R was trying to do was get you to empathize with a situation you are on The other side of. Put your set in your husbands shoes.

But the more important point I would like to reinforce is about your AP. At this point in my life, logic tells me of course you have lingering thoughts and feelings for your AP. He was after all, a lover of yours, and bonded to you deep. Untwinong the emotions isn’t instant, and again my sense of logic accepts that. But the Betrayed in me resents that. My sense of justice, and self respect don’t care about that. That man Is your BHs enemy. You need to understand that.

As the WS you may still have fond memories that may eventually fade, but your BH will know they came to be at hos expense. His pain and suffering bore the fruit of your illegitimate relationship. To you BH, he feels second place to the AP, and like he lost. You couldn’t expect him to like or understand your residual feelings for the AP. He’d never feel safe if he felt an inkling that you still cared for AP. Itd Be disrespect and anxiety all over again.

I will say this to you for perspective. I don’t believe my wife really loved her AP. But after discovery, I needed her to hate him as much as I did. I needed to win and be in control of my life and relationship again. My wife, probably in An effort to minimize the damage her affair caused, asked me to please not Tell the OMs wife. Logically now, I see that it was out of shame and self preservation. But at the the time? It felt like a she wanted to protect her AP, my competitor, my enemy. Not good. Like a kick in my face on top of it all. She didn’t understand it right away, she didn’t have SI to tell her what I am telling you.

If it was legal, I stand by this: I would have killed her AP and made her watch. I would need her to hate him with every fiber of her being, before he ultimately became indifferent to her. That’s what an OM, especiallly one who knew your BH, even more so one who claimed to be his friend, and stabbed him in the back, deserves. He was YOUR lover. He trampled and disrespected your H to get you. That’s how you’re BH will feel.

I fucked the OMs wife almost entirely to destroy him. Sound malicious? It was. Do I regret becoming a cheater who hurt let wife? Absolutely. Do I regret destroying the OM and getting my revenge? Not in the least.

I say this all to you so you can get a taste of how a BS fees about the person you chose over them. I get why you’re still emotionally attached, I am just saying you need to figure out ASAP how to despise him, before you forget about him. Think about everything he cost you. Think about the broken home your children now come from, the emotional damage to them. Think about the financial loss this has cost. Think about the depression and sadness you and H have felt. You’re AP decimated your life as you know it, and now you get to pick up the pieces.

And the kicker? You will never be happy with AP, even if you go running back. You will always carry guilt and shame, you will never fill the hole with him that you have , and one day, he will cheat on you, karma will go full circle, because you’re relationship Is based on damaged ground and falsities. It would have crumbled anyway, even if you hadn’t left him.

This man attacked your children’s future. Think about that. You think your kids want to call him daddy if they knew? And eventually they will. And then they will blame you.

I don’t say this to attack you, truly. I say it to start the order of operations in getting you to realize what your AP really is. A cancer to you, and perhaps the cclosest reason your Bah would commit murder. I mean that.

Please heed my thoughts, internalize them, and think about them. But whatever you do, do not have a travel of fondness for your AP, for you’re own will being, esp if you want your H back.

[This message edited by nicenomore at 10:55 PM, April 17th (Tuesday)]

That seems very self destructive. The whole nothing was wrong I just wanted something new part.

The more I think about it the more I think you need to dig into your whys. I'm sorry goalong might be right. (Sorry goalong I misinterpreted you ). I'm so defensive to people trying to say the marriage is messed up so it's not completely the cheaters fualt that I kinda thought you where leaning at that.

You saying there was nothing really wrong at all shocks me a bit. Like you just up and decided to throw everything away for NO REASON. Yes all cheaters are selfish to one degree or another. But if hubby was still all green on the board and you had loved him with all you heart why even have the AP?

You where still attracted to hubby?

You weren't unhappy in any big way?

You weren't stressed out?

Under appreciated?

Sexually starved?

Was the spark gone?

What was the ap more attractive? A ladies man? I mean what exactly lead you to believe you would gain anything you couldn't get from hubby from this guy? Was he just something new?

What exactly wasn't super engaging enough about a relationship with your husband that seemed Shiney and cool about Mr AP? You where really playing with fire here girl!! What was your pay off? Did you just never think you would ever get caught? Did you want your cake and eat it too? Then why cut hubby off from sex?

Did you talk about how you and your ap met? How it all got started and the lead up to the end? Did it start as a emotional affair or just straight into a physical affair? Please go into more detail onto how it all started and progressed, And how you detached from your husband.

[This message edited by Adotta at 11:30 PM, April 17th (Tuesday)]