SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

(sorry, english is not my first language, please pardon weired grammar, strange idioms and wrong usage of words)

A little backstory before I start to vent:

My wife and I are married for three years now. Before that, we were a couple for another 2 years. In general, we have a very harmonic relationship, are romantic, a good team etc.

Shortly after getting married we bought a house together and planned on having a baby. After a while, we learned that she has a condition, which made it very unlikely to become pregnant. We both were very sad but as a team decided that we can get over this. We even started the process of adopting a kid. It is very hard and unlikely in the country we both live in, so we droped our hopes on a baby about a year after that and decided to have a good life with just the two of us, lots of traveling, getting on with our carrers etc.

In October/November last year however it worked somehow and my wife got pregnant. Maybe the people telling you "it will happen right after you gave up hope" were right all along. Since my wife works in an industry, where pregnant women shouldn't work, she was given paid leave til birth (yes, this is a thing were we live).

And this is were the rock started to roll downhill: Around christmas, she told me that she wants to go on a vaction to the US (we're from europe) in February to visit an old friend and his wife. We both already booked a vacation to scotland in january the summer before, so I couldn't get days off to go with her. But this wasn't her plan anyway. She wanted to go there by herself, since she wanted to prove that she is able to manage that on her own. I was perfectly fine with that and even encouraged her to go. I thought for myself: Hey, thats probably the last chance for her to see those friends and have a vacation on her own.

I didn't know the friends before, but we talked on the phone for a while and skyped 1-2 times with both of them. They even offered that she can stay at their place. Great, this saved us a lot of money she would have spent on a hotel otherwise.

As she requested I helped her book the flight, a rental car etc.

The vacation in scotland was nice and we had a good time. Shortly before her trip to the US however, she started acting strangely. She switched of any alarm on her phone, bought a new case for it with a flap so you only see notifications when the flap is lifted. She never let go of her phone and took it with her anywhere. When looking back this is also were she started getting a little bit more distant (Hugs were decreasing, kisses were getting sloppier etc.). A blind fool that I was back then, I didn't thought much about that since we were also right in the middle of preparing everything for the baby, so stress levels were high.

As the day came she left for her solo-vacation, I drove her to the airport. The farewell was nice and heartfelt and I started missing her as soon as she went through the security check.

During her being away, I worked a lot, finished mostly of the baby-room and kept contact with her by skyping/facetiming and sending messages. She constantly told me she was missing me.

Yet, in the middle of her vacation she surprisingly told me she will go to a different city a two hour drive away of her hosts and take a hotel there to do some sightseeing and shopping. She justified this by saying that she cannot drive these 2 hours while being pregnant, which made totally sense for me since she additionally caught a cold. So, in the end, she spent three days in a hotel. During that time contact was sparse, only getting a few messages and 1-2 pictures.

As she came back from her trip, I picked her up from the airport again. At first everything was normal, but then I got the feeling that something was different. She became more and more distant and still only had eyes for her phone. I confronted her with that and she became angry and defensive about that. In the end she saw my point and I got a bit warmer between us, however, I noticed she secretly continued to use her phone heavily (e.g. sneeking to the bathroom, getting up in the middle of the night etc.).

In the next few weeks we got into a lot of minor fights, e.g. the dishwasher, chairs not being perfectly in place etc. Minor stuff. Trivialities.

I slowly grew suspicious about her behaviour and did something I'm not very proud of: I started spying on her phone. At first I simple took hasty photos of her lock screen, a few weeks ago I magically got access to her email account.

So thats were DDay happend: I found out that she is constantly texting/sexting and emailing another, 15 years older man since January now. On a daily basis, they send each other nudes, masturbation videos, pledge their undying love and loyalty and even make plans to spend their future together. I also got to know that they met (thats were she stayed at the hotel) and had at least oral sex. While being pregnant with my son. I was devasted. In fact I still am.

Since then I'm collecting "evidence" out of her email account. By that I constantly have to read that crap...

I also sought help with a very very close friend who - however - couldn't offer any good advice. I also posted this story on the internet. There I learned that I should take my evidence and go see a lawyer to learn about my options.

As of today, I'm still waiting for an appointment at a lawyer (not so easy here). However, it feels like I'm sitting in a roller coaster. At one day, she hugs and kisses me like before and I happily act like nothing ever happend. The next day, she lives inside her phone and sends pictures of her private parts to this old fart while I am sweating and painting the baby room next door.

Right now, I'm in autopilot going through the motions. One day, I'm very short before loosing my nerves and would like to scream it in her face that I know and how much I'm hurt. Then I feel regret since she is pregnant and carries my son in her (btw, I'm very sure it is in fact my kid). With the birthdate getting nearer and nearer, I am constantly shifting between these two emotions. This is slowly wearing me down...

So, thanks for reading. I'm glad I found this community. Feel free to ask me anything.

I can feel your pain. She clearly went to the US to meet that guy and used her friends as cover.

Do you know if the other guy knows she is pregnant?

If he stayed at her hotel that would imply there was a reason she could not go to his place. Can you find out if he has a partner?

When will she give birth?

You can assume they had sex. You should probably get tested for stds.

Do you have a close relationship with her parents?

[This message edited by Smillie at 10:28 AM, April 23rd (Monday)]

Are you willing to raise another man's child?

You can try a pre-natal DNA test.

How did this man get into your life? How does he know your WW? You seem certain that the child is yours but was he visiting your country recently? How did he meet your wife? It is clear that the visit was to see him and not the friends. Do they know the OM as well?

Thank you for your answers and questions! It helps to stay sane and distracts me.

He knows that she is pregnant. I don't know if he did when they met, but they talk about the pregnancy in their emails.

I know the name and adress of his wife (and that he has two kids as well), however I'm stuck finding out her contact details. I also don't know if they are divorced or not. All these websites promising to give this data seem to be scam.

My wife will give birth in about 2 1/2 month.

The kid definitely is mine. We did a pre-birth test if everything is alright and part of it is a comparison of genes (since my wife has a minor disability they wanted to check for). Also, as far as I digged through the emails, they do not refer to it as THEIR baby. A blood check for stds for both her and me was also part of that checkup.

My relationship to her parents is very good, I see them as my second parents and they love me as well. Goes I did a good job in their eyes.

At this stage I have no idea how she connected with that guy. He could be a contact from the past (he is/was in the military).

Normal protocol would be to tell his spouse (usually supplying them with a copy of your evidence), tell her parents (again showing them evidence) and possibly filing for divorce.

Her initial reaction to discovery should tell you all you need to know. It’s best not to forewarn her before you do any of these things. It’s also good if you can synchronise then to happen at roughly the same time.

HOWEVER, the baby kind of complicates things and I would hate to give you advice that could adversly effect the health of your unborn child.

I think you should hold off on divorce, and threats of divorce until after the baby is born. I would proceed with telling her parents and POS’s (Piece Of Sh*t) wife.

Also find out if he is still in the military. You can report him for that.

[This message edited by Smillie at 12:06 PM, April 23rd (Monday)]

You could try pipl for a search of his wife’s name.

If you are having trouble getting contact informatioon then a private investigator might be worthwhile.

[This message edited by Smillie at 12:40 PM, April 23rd (Monday)]

You have the evidence you need. You should confront her. Demand to see her phone. If she refuses, have her parents come and pick her up and file for divorce.

I'm guessing that the reason you have not confronted yet is that you are worried about stress and the baby? the problem with that is that STD's are also very bad for the baby. If they got a hotel together they did more than oral sex.

Do you have OM's Wife's name? Can you look him/her up on face book? Do you think her friends in the US know about who OM is?

I would probably find out who OBS is and start exposing the affair. When you tell her parents you should concerned way. "I'm telling you this because WW is going to need your support..."

My guess is that once her secret is out she will be begging to get you back. My concern is that she is cheating 3 years into the marriage while pregnant and acting in a very risky way. Please do not take her back immediately, she needs to earn back you trust and show true remorse.

You said that you get along well with her parents and don't want to upset her while she's pregnant.

See a lawyer first. Then tell her parents everything. Ask for their advice on how and when to confront her.

Your wife takes you for granted because she can. She needs to realize that she can lose you.

That's exactly my stuggle right now: Should I wait with confronting her after giving birth or should I tell her right away?

Can't find a solution here.

Also, there is one very odd thing I noticed in the last few days:

She suggests buying a new closet, renovating my office, rearanging our furniture, so in general making plans for our future, a future that possibly will not happen if she proceeds. Is this "normal" or regular behaviour of a WS?

Smilie: Thanks for pointing me to pipl. Seems like I found a facebook profile that might be the OMS... Need to think of a way to contact her without scaring her off.

Freeme: STDs were already tested after her vacation, so I can be safe on that.

I would contact the other guy’s wife before confronting your spouse. Most of the time cheaters warn each other and if he intercepts your messages then it’s going to make it more difficult.

When you contact the other man’s wife be sympathetic and stick to the facts. Provide screenshots of evidence. Her husband is a cheater and 99% of people would want to know about that.

If he is in the military you can contact his command and report him. I don’t think it will matter if you are not a US citizen, maybe some other posters will know more about that. You might be able to find that out from his wife if you are polite enough in your communication with her.

I would also think about contacting his parents if you can find their contact info. You really want to try and scare this guy off permanently, even if you don’t want to reconcile. You also want to show your wife how seriously you take the whole situation.

Confronting your wife is not easy. I would not threaten divorce yet. Try and be calm and not too aggressive. Just tell her you want a full written explanation of her relationship with this guy. Tell her you will decide your future after the birth and that her attitude to discovery will be a part of your decision. You could possibly contact a marriage counsellor and seek advice about that.

[This message edited by Smillie at 1:49 AM, April 24th (Tuesday)]

Bathroomfloor,

IMO, the main concern rigth now is your child. I am sorry but even if this kids wasn’t yours, his well being is prirority number 1, so I belive your should not comfront your WW til after this kid born.

It doesnt mean that you need to wait to see what happens, IMO it mains that you have a avery clear deadline to be prepared. Following a few things you should work on:

· Get legal advise about all your options and future scenarios, not just about marriage but parenting rigth, alimoney, etc. (maybe your WW wants to go live at the States with OM and your kid).

· Don make in future plans and proyects. You don’t know whats ging to happen.

· Document everything, it may not have legal value, but can gice you leverage when/if your wife tries to safe face or protect OM.

· Work on your self: eat well, excersice, etc.

· Make a future plan, not involing other but just you: New hobby, get skillet in something new, gat a dregree, etc. This is for you to have a gold, just for you. Tis plan must be able to be achieve with your WW or withour her. Also it may help you realise your WW role in the past decisisopn about thing you wanted to do (if she was supporting or limiting you). IMO your shpould worry about her wondering about this, she is just to focus on OM riogth now that she wont even notice.

· Make a exposing/DDay plan: How to confront, next steps, who you are going to expose to the truth, exposing to OM wife at the same time, etc.

· I also belive that no matter if you decide to R or D, at this point the path is the same: After confronting implement 180;

· Get a new place for you or request she moves with her parents (she may need help with the new born);

· Design a schedrule to be with your son. You can be at the same time, just avoid any conversation but about the kid.

· Full exposure to OM wife;

· The friends that helped/enabled her are not your friends so a NC letter to them from you is a must. If you decide to R, this friends are enemies of your marriage, so your WW must take them out of her life (tem and other enablers)

· Implement your sepration plan. Even if you want to R, she will be in the fog for a while and nothing spanks out the fog a cheater faster that D papers.

· IMO the path remains the same even if you want to R or D at this point. Even if you decide to D it doesn’t matter you can not date again after she proves she is a safe partner and, of course, you still want to be with her.

Anther consideration is after new born delivery, your WW may experience post partum depression (due to hormonal decrease), this jontly with confrontation may take her to a very dark place. Would be good idea to keep her under observation to not harm her self or the child.

I know all my post sound resaallye xtreme but all risk must be adressed properly and have a plan.

Last thing, before deciding to R, there are a lot of things that must be considered as: This is the first time or was others, IC for her to fix her, etc.

Many pregnant women "nest" - its a real biological impulse tobput the house, etc in order before a baby comes. I'd not country on it meaning all that much beyond that.

I'd confronted now. Why wait? Later its not a good time either because a baby. Which then grows into a child. Always lots of reasons to not rock a boat. Longer it goes on worse it gets and greater probability the outcome becomes worse for you.

Strength brother, it is tough and SI is here for you.

SI is a knowledge vault, try to read as much of the other topics and the advice given therein, knowledge is power and you will learn from it and the knowledge will guide you.

I, in my humble personal opinion, strongly recommend you to take the means necessary (e.g., legal advice) but also to just sit and wait it out and not to confront for the next 2,5 months until after the baby has been born.

You think you know this woman but you do not. You think this woman has a stable personality but most likely she is unstable. She can also be blinded by love for her OM.

My live-in GF that cheated on me, in the period of stress after DDay, she tried to cut her wrists with a kitchen knife, tried to strangle herself with a clothes hanger, and threw herself in front of a car multiple times (luckily, the drivers stopped in time). Better to confront when the baby has been born and is in a safe environment (e.g., with your parents).

Strength brother!, SI is here for you!

In 2-5 months the affair will have gone on 2-5 months longer.

Not saying anything and hiding 'you know' for 2-5 months is hard. Not to mention it will suck your soul out.

Ww will be in the affair longer and it may be harder to knock her out of the affair in 2-5 months.

Want to bet 2-5 months of knowing everyday she is cheating, cyber sex, nudes, I love you, etc. Want to bet that love he has now fades during that time and becomes cold contempt?

The don't tell now she pregnant can easily be substituted with don't tell now she's got an infant and her and babies health are still issues. What changes? That much more time to know, swallow she's cheating everyday, and to hit anger stage.

You have a little clock ticking most of us didn't have. You don't want to confront last month of pregnancy or first month or two after birth, IMO. So either confront NOW or wait 3-4 months. I don't think its OK for you to hide you know for that long. It will kill you inside.

Ww will be in the affair longer and it may be harder to knock her out of the affair in 2-5 months.

You have a little clock ticking most of us didn't have.

One thing is ticking all right, and that one thing is the one thing that all of us BSs had ticking, namely the WS and the whole situation caused by the WS that is in fact a ticking bomb, and many BS who chose to confront without careful thought and consideration had that thing explode in the face.

I am not saying to rugsweep this whole thing, but I AM saying that confrontation would be better when that baby is not with them and, for instance, relocated to the parents of the BS.

Of course, it hurts to keep this all inside for 2,5 more months, but it is for the greater good (= baby), and that thought might pull BS through. This baby makes things more complicated.

Also, we all know that this whole thing is not something that is easily tackled by confronting, and that there is possibly much more that BS still has to find out via research. A 6,5 months pregnant wife being intimate with an OM?, the pregnancy should be visible on her and she is carrying BSs child, how messed up is it for OM and WS to do this?, yes it is messed up!

Better for BS to not confront but to carefully make plans and weigh his options and make up his mind (what does he want?), seek advice and support (e.g., legal advice, seek alternative housing, etc.), collect more information (e.g., VAR in car, telephone records), and do the preparations (e.g., relocate funds to his own bank accounts), so that when the time comes, he can strike to his best advantage. In fact, if he can find any incriminating evidence, in court the custody of the baby might go to only him.

Hey Bathroom,

Sorry, you are here but I'm glad you found us.

My wife was cheating on me for at least part of the time she was pregnant. Then again many times after but I was unaware of any of this until much later.

I just wanted to chime in and say that I am glad I wasn't faced with the decision to confront while she was still carrying our child. However, If I was faced with that decision I would hope I would have the strength to hold off until after the baby was born. My M may be over and you may decide or find that yours is too but there's another relationship that's about to begin and that's the one you need to concentrate on. Do everything you can to make sure that your WW is healthy and stable leading up to and right after the birth.

That doesn't mean you need to sit idle. I would first get yourself an IC session as soon as possible. If you can find someone in your life you can truly trust to keep a secret ask them for support. If not that's okay too you have us to fall back on if nothing else. If you need a break away from your WW for awhile is there a way you could ask family (yours or hers) to come and stay with her? You can disguise as something else if need be.

It would be very risky to engage the situation head on right now and I want you to know that you are already doing better than most just by thinking this through clearly and talking to us here.

Even if OM does have a wife I think you should hold off on contacting her until after the child is born. It's not ideal but there's just no telling how the OBS might react and she may out you to your wife's AP and start a chain reaction that's beyond your control.

So my advice would be to continue to observe, collect info, take notes, record evidence, prepare and speak to an attorney, lean on your family/friends/this board for support, monitor your own health and well being and seek out counseling for yourself.

Has this been a difficult pregnancy for your WW? How is the baby? Growing at a normal pace?

I know that it took you a very long time for her to become pg but how has this pregnancy been?

When OM and WW talk about their future together do they discuss the baby?

Is her behavior (video, nude picts, graphic talk...) Unusual for her or is that what she is like in a relationship?

If it were me I'd expose the Affair to her parents . They might be able to offer some advice, at the very least they will be there if you confront without planning to. This is a huge secret to be keeping.

You need to find the OBS. He has two kids, your WW is most likely a play thing. When you expose this to his wife he is most likely going to throw your WW under the bus.

See a lawyer. It may not come to divorce but you need to know your options if she tries to leave with the baby or is deemed unstable.

Lastly, I know you are gun shy of exposing because of how hard it was for her to get pregnant. If you look at the internet chances of a miscarriage during the third trimester for a healthy female is 1-3%. Get your ducks in a row you can even ask her doctor if you should be concerned that bad new could trigger a MC.