SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am new to this site, and new to this entire topic. My BH and I have been married for nearly 5 years, and have never had time to develop a true connection in all the years we have been together. I started taking birth control pills as soon as we became exclusive and lost all interest in sex. BH started a new job right around the same time and worked 12-14 hour days. We did talk about our greater connections to our cell phones than each other frequently, but we never changed our behavior. I finally went off the pill about a year ago and BH had a vasectomy. My sex drive returned, but BH and I had issues in the bedroom (acknowledged by both of us and discussed in detail long before A). Things got distant between us, culminating in me taking a girls trip to Texas. Once there, one of my friends was engaging in emotional As with several OM she met at work. She seemed so happy. So when I went home, I told my BH all about it, hoping he would pick up on the hints. In retrospect, I should have said it in unmistakable terms. So I put a profile on a couple of dating sites. I eventually met one guy out for drinks, then again out for drinks. We ended up being together 3 times, with my BH figuring it out the last time. I have no feelings toward him (in fact, have always been able to separate love and lust) and have no issues with NC. In the meantime, we had agreed to an open marriage, but he decided he couldn't handle it. So I cheated and regret it more than anything else I have ever done in my life. My BH and I are planning on working on it, going to MC and I'm doing IC. I thought that maybe posting on here might help me with insights on how to keep going when things get impossibly hard, as they always do. TIA.

Well, I started to type Welcome! But, that seemed a little cheerful for the reason we are all here. Still, I think this site is very helpful and can be a great tool for processing.

There is a great resource here if you haven't found it, it's on the left and called The Healing Library.

It sounds from your post that you feel your husband and you have never had a great connection, but that both of you would like to make it work. It's a bumpy ride, just be prepared for a long road ahead. I only say that because almost 10 months out now, and it is obvious to me we are still in the early stages of healing. If the foundation was weak to begin with, I do wonder how solid of a commitment can be made? That's really more for you to consider, but that was the initial reaction I had to your post.

I think the top thing to keep in mind is try not to do any trickle truth. Meaning, make sure to give honest complete information. The lies are what hurts most about affairs and to continue those would be nail in the coffin for your marriage.

Also, get very clear on why it started. No blame shifting...The whys should relate specifically to what allowed you to go onto a site and register to find an AP? What was the thought process? Finding our whys are a difficult journey sometimes. It's not about the connection in the marriage, it's about the decision that we make to go outside of the marriage rather than to divorce or do some thing to fix the issues we have.

I say all of that because there are pieces of your posts that I relate to as well. We were working 16-18 hour days for about 18 months prior to my A and my husband traveled extensively. But those were not the reasons for the A. The reasons were inside of me...bad coping with a number of issues, maybe some entitlement mixed in, lack of self-esteem, etc. I am sharing that so you kind of know what it looks like, but only you know your combination of whys. The whys are important because that helps you find what needs to be deconstructed and rebuilt in being a safe partner for your H to reconcile with.

Not having an EA is probably helpful to you in that you don't have all the things that come with that. But, for the BH, the sex is often the torturous part. I would recommend writing for your spouse two timelines:

One is all the details of the affair with no sexual details. The second is one with the sexual details. I say that because he needs to feel like he has all the information. But, the information relating to the sexual aspects, let him control that part. I would practice the pause, "If you want to know that I will tell you, but you need to think about if you want to know the answer". If he wants to know, then tell him. If not, then don't. My H didn't want a lot of the details, mostly he asked me some very specific questions and I answered those. I say that not because it's great to hide anything, it's just sometimes they do want to be spared of that.

That's all I can think of for now, but keep writing and processing. There is a lot of experience in this forum.

Thank you hikingout for both the welcome and the insight. Both BH and I are committed to working this out. He and I have been more open and honest since the A than we were before. I will admit that reading some of the threads on here paint a daunting picture of what may come.

Sooo let me get this.... you took birth control and didn't want sex any more..... then you got off birth control and wanted sex again. But you have what I'm guessing are "compatibility" issues with hubby. ( I'm guessing what those issues are.) Those compatability issues " caused " you to want an open marriage..... and then hubby backs out. Like any self respecting man would and you thought..... " meh might as well continue on anyways." These open marriages almost never work outby the way. Unless hubby enjoys being cuck ed it's just not going to work.

I'm guessing the birth controll was a great excuse at the time huh??..... because if it wasn't an excuse then why the hell weren't you jumping his bones when your sex drive came back?

I'm guessing your compatability issues are the main driving factor here..... my question is WHY DID YOU MARRY HIM?! I mean these issues didn't come out of nowhere did they? You knew what you where signing up for. You said these issues where there from the beginning. So why??!!!! Why stay? Was he a nice shoulder to cry on? Did he pay the bills in a manly way? Was he your BEST friend?

I don't know your situation exactly but if it's anything like what I think it is your basicly telling your husband "YOUR NOT GOOD ENOUGH". And he's trying to make it work for you because he loves you. He must feel absolutely horrible. Poor guy. Did you bring up an open marriage? His heart must have broke at least a little that day.... but he said yes... even though he was probably crying and broken inside he still said yes.... Jesus I'm about to cry for him right now.

Also your wayward thinking AF right now. The whole slipping in the fact that you can handle NC and it was never about feeling reeks of wayward. It's an excuse. What you mean to say is " I can handle this. I can cheat and not have it effect me. Or him... as long as he doesn't know. " guess what YOU CAN'T (you don't understand the first thing about sex / love chemicals if you do think you can). And your husband surely can't either. And I don't think your husband cares as much about your talking with other men as much as them sticking thier penis in you..... just saying. Every time he knows your having sex with another man the only thought running through his head is probably " I'm not good enough. I'm such a dud. I can't even please my wife." I can tell you as somone who had a complex about my own penis size as a young boy ( grew out of it.... plus it grew lol) the thoughts as a man that run through your head when you believe yourself to be a sexual dud or not "enough" are suicide thought inducing. You think your never going to be good enough for ANY woman. The truth is there are women out there COMPLETELY compatable sexual with your husband. But instead of going to find them he bunker down with you... because he loved you. I can assure you he is less happy with your and his sex life then you are.. probably by a long shot. No matter how many times he O's. Pleasing our women is 75 to 80 percent of the fun in sex. Going into sex with the thought of not being enough makes sex hell when it should be heaven.

Your not at remorse. You would have talked about hubby more and how he is doing and asking how to help him if you where. Your at regret. And that's fine. Most people take a while for remorse to set in. But for the love of god please don't drag your husband through reconciliation unless you mean it. If you can't see yourself being pleased with hubby and hubby alone.... then sorry to say you should leave. For his sake.

I get the feeling that your thinking along the lines of " as long as he doesn't know it won't hurt him. It sucks that I got caught. "

I guess I can suggest a book called how to help your spouse heal from infidelity. And also suggest working out the bedroom issues with hubby. And I don't care if he's got a wang the size of a tick tack or whatever those issues are they CAN BE worked out... if you want to work them out. Lesbians get along just fine without penis don't they? If THE can make it work you can too.

You signed up to a life of fidelity with your hubby. Don't want to be exclusive any more??? Then leave!!!

I just hope you really work on your relationship instead of just looking for boxes to tick untill everything's back to normal. A better relationship means finding what you need and want in your hubby. Normal has you cheating again.

I'm sorry about throwing 2x4s I just think you've got a mountain to climb of personal growth and finding your way to accept your husband is the only man you should be sleeping with.

[This message edited by Adotta at 4:27 PM, April 24th (Tuesday)]

Wow that was so helpful Adotta. I guess my husband is right about the kind of support and encouragement you get from bitter, unhappy people. I can't wait to laugh with him tonight.

One person throws a 2x4 at you and you judge the whole forum?

Alright let me assure you. There are plenty of smarter people then me here. Ones who will take it gentle. Ones who can really help you better then I can.

But I tried looking at this from your husbands point of view and the only thing I could feel was dejection and sorrow. You do know that's what he's feeling right now don't you?

Why don't you tell me where I'm off. Tell me where I got it wrong. Tell me how off the mark I am. Sure I might seem a little agressive but actually I'm not really angry or bitter at all. I've never been cheated on. I don't feel any sting when I read your story. But the second I try putting myself in your husbands shoes I honestly think I would lose my sanity and self esteem. And that's really what I think you need to do. Put yourself in HIS shoes. I mean it.

How would YOU feel if you loved somone very much and desired them but they expressed a desire to sleep with other people all while you're having trouble in the bedroom? Think about it. Think about the message sent. Think about how much your self worth would crumble.

That's my biggest hang up really. Your sending your husband the message that he's not good enough and that shit sticks with a man for life. It's a specter that can haunt a man forever if he doesn't do some serious mental psych work.

Also how did you go from watching your friend be happy in emotional affairs to thinking screw emotional let's go purely physical affairs! (Bad friend btw.) And how do you HINT to your husband that you want to have affairs? And how did you go from dropping hints to Asking for an open marriage.

All I can think with what little info given is you and your husband never connected in the bed. That led to distance outside the bedroom. And then you thought "well if I can't get what I need in my marriage let's get it outside of marriage. But why throw away such a great working relationship me and hubby have so let's just have an open marriage. Oohhh he's not really ok with that. Let's do it anyways." I mean if your going to say that your emotional distance with him played a part in this (like you hinted) then why an open marriage? Why sex only relationships? Why not go for sex and emotion?

This just keep circling back to sex IMHO. You desire other men. Your husband doesn't want you to desire or sleep with other men. What's your plan to fix this? Can you see yourself being fulfilled sexually by your husband alone? Can you? If not this isn't going to work. Talk about feelings and go on as many dates as you want but if the sparks don't fly in bed , how do you think the next 20 or 30 years are going to go for you? Or him for that matter.... you will end up cheating again. Or miserable.

Have you or your husband ever thought of sex therapists? I have heard some good things about them. Most men will balk at the idea but some couples really need an experienced guide to help them along.

Also I highly doubt your husband will think my posts are as funny as you do. I can't claim to be on the mark 100 percent about anything right now as i dont have alot of info, but I can assure you my thoughts about his feeling probably run VERY true.

[This message edited by Adotta at 6:40 PM, April 24th (Tuesday)]

So can certainly see the compatibility questions based on the framing here, but geesh, seems a little quick to judgement on some of this.

That said, I had a very similar view that love and lust were totally separate - I enjoy the physical act of sex, and can comfortably say I can have sex with a person without an emotional connection. Purely fun.

However.

I think that I did not really think through the effect that sex w someone else would have on how my emotional connection with my wife was working. I think it could be ok, but would need ground rules and testing. On a unilateral basis it is very hard to say with certainty that sex w someone else did not undermine the emotional connection with my wife.

SoIsuck would you be ok with the idea of your wife sleeping with other men? If not why?

Sex is one of if not THE key factor to a romantic relationship. It's the deepest level of trust and intimacy. The chemicals that run through your body during pleasurable sex are bonding chemicals. It has been well documented that the chemicals released during sex spur romantic love and desire for your parnter. If your chemicals are all saying your ap is the one for you but the more civilized moral part of your brain is saying BUT my spouse.... that's a problem. When those chemicals spur you towards falling for your ap they pull you away from your spouse. You have your ap on one side of the scale and your spouse on the other and you keep adding to the ap side with the help of all those beautiful little chemicals. your bound to find that ap is winning eventually. Sure you don't see it as a scale. But your barbaric little brain TOTALLY sees it as a scale.

I honestly think it's funny that some people think they can separate love and sex. It just doesn't happen. Not in the long run. If your doing all one night stands or a small limit like 3 to 5 times only and no communication outside hooking up then fine, the chemicals don't have alot of time to set in and work thier magic on any one single of those partners. BUT those chemicals are being wasted. They are not doing the job they where made to do. Which is bonding you and your spouse. Enchrenching and reinforcing the family bond that makes our species grow and populate.

Just think about it. When we where all cave people the idea of romance, and affection and dating and marriage where all foreign concepts. So what exactly made men and women stick together? What exactly made a man stick around to protect his woman? Nothing... nothing at all. There was no chivalry. No morals. No respect or kindness. No charity or pity. The only thing that kept us men and women attached to eachother where the chemicals in our barbaric brain that told us " hey you NEED that person. hey being with that person feels great. Don't you feel so comfortable around him / her?" Those chemicals came about as an evolutionary trait that increased our survivability as a species by making sure men stuck around to protect thier family and made sure women stuck with thier men as well. Without those chemicals men would have banged any female they could get thier hands on then slink off into the forest to hunt and not share any of the meat with thier women folk.

None of us are as civilized as we like to and have been led to believe. We all still have shadows of those cavemen and cave women in our heads. It's instinct.

[This message edited by Adotta at 7:37 PM, April 24th (Tuesday)]

I appreciate your strong view on this, and agree with the idea that you can undermine the emotional give inside your relationship by getting sexual appetite fed elsewhere.

With that said, if both sides agree there are sexual desires/wants/needs that can be better filled outside and both are committed to working at pulling the emotional energy back to the relationship, seems like it could work. But that’s a hard place to get to.

As for me, i love her. I am thrilled when she is happy. If someone else can make her feel good, how can I deny her that? Maybe that sounds odd - and I certainly don’t mean some cuckold like thing - but if we can both recognize there are other sexual things we enjoy that we can’t give to each other, why not?

So what about stds? Your putting your spouse at risk for that. What about accidental pregnancy? What if your wife didn't even want to have sex with you or showed a lack of desire but totally showed massive desire for another? You wouldn't feel rejected? What if somone you knew caught on and spread word?

This board and others are FILLED with stories of well meaning sexually secure and confident people who tried open marriages with great ground rules and they just got way to deep. That's the danger. By the time you have noticed feelings are forming it's WAY to late.

And honestly why does ANYONE need the BEST SEX EVER. Why? With all the risks involved does it really matter that much? I mean as long as the sex with your spouse is GOOD then whats so special about that little bit extra? I think it just comes down to finding something new. Yes some couples are not very compatable. Small penis, a too big penis, too small vagina too big vagina, ed, ect. ect. But mostly I think people just get bored. The allure of something new and unknown and risky is way to much of a draw.

Hey there Barregirl,

Welcome to SI. I'm sorry you find yourself here but I hope you'll find this to be a helpful and supportive place to lean on while you're figuring out how to navigate the post-infidelity chaos.

It sounds like your BS and you are going to try reconciliation and what you asked for in your first post is advice on how to deal with the difficult feelings that are necessarily part of the aftermath.

Like you, when I first came to SI I was new to the topic of infidelity. It had touched my life in various ways, both in my FOO and in several of my own relationships having been both the cheater and cheated on. My view of things at that point was that it was just something you got over and moved on from without focusing at all on how things got so screwed up in the first place. SI shined a light on a whole new way of thinking about things and it was here that I started my own journey. I remember how terrible it felt, how screwed up everything felt and the feeling that it could never be untangled but here I am about 8 years later and I assure you that it can. It takes a long time and a lot of patience and some serious perseverance though so I hope you're in it for the long haul.

The best thing you can do is start educating yourself about the nature of infidelity and how it impacts the people involved. Here's some recommended reading that helped me start to wrap my mind around it all and I hope it can help you too:

1) "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. Don't skip this one. Lays out a concise roadmap for reconciliation, with emphasis on which behaviors on your part are likely to help and which are likely to hinder. Don't skip this one.

2) "Things Every WS Needs to Know" by HUFI-PUFI on this board. Something you can read immediately. When I first read it I thought it was exaggerating with regard to what BS's go through and how long it takes to heal but as I can verify that it's not. I'll bump it up to the top for you.

3) "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. This is the first book I read and it's a good general education on infidelity and give practical advice for affair proofing yourself going forward.

The Healing Library that hikingout recommended is also a terrific general education resource.

I hope the tough response from adotta doesn't put you off. Sometimes tough advice is what you need, sometimes you're not ready to hear it though and that's okay. Two good pieces of advice I received here are "Take what you need and leave the rest" and "If something makes you sad or mad, it's probably something you should look more closely at". Generally in both your interactions with your BS and here on the board it's a good idea to try staying open, keeping your defenses as low as you can and your curiosity as high as you can.

Committing adultery means that somehow you got to the point that hurting your spouse and your own integrity was an acceptable price for getting what you wanted. You're going to need to figure out how you arrived at that kind of thinking and once you figure that out you'll need to work to change it. It's the only way you can ever hope to offer any kind of emotional security to the people you are in relationship with. It takes a while, though, to dig down on that thinking and so in the meantime you'll need to develop some tools for dealing with difficult feelings. A mindfulness practice that includes meditation can be a huge help. Two people whose work has helped me so much are Brené Brown and Pema Chödrön. Both approach the necessity of getting comfortable with vulnerability from different angles and as starter books I would recommend "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brené and "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema.

Recovering from infidelity and untangling the "you" that got you here is a big project and even if you make progress on figuring out you there's no guarantee that the marriage will survive. That's why cultivating your tolerance for vulnerability will be so important. You'll need to show up and be all in while letting go of the outcome.

Proceed with conviction and valor.

Welcome to the path from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

Thank you Evolvingsoul for true insight and encouragement. (As opposed to a discussion of penis size and envy, lol). I read HUFI PUFI post and a plethora of books and articles. My BH is not someone who dwells on his pain at all, and thankfully is committed to a stronger connection and marriage. He has suffered enough and I am truly sorry that I added to it. I am committed to the process of helping him to heal.

Ad -

Sure, there are safety issues (and if you follow my reasoning I think you will see I am not actually advocating an open relationship), and very real relationship risks.

If she didn’t want me any more b/c someone else gave her something I could not (or even just better?). I’d be totally crushed. BUT. If I really thought that made her happier or really more fulfilled, how could I not want her to have that?

I love her. I want to be with her, and I want her to want to be with me, but the most important thing is that she is happy. If our connection faded because of her connection with someone else that would have an impact on our relationship. I’ve already wrecked it though, so maybe it would be reasonable of me to allow her to feel...better, happy, whole? and deal with the emotional hole, and work at making us better from the other side.

How can I not at least owe it to her to try if that is what she wants? I did it unilaterally and w disregard for effect on us. And I don’t even know if there is that thing she wants (but there probably is if she is honest). Is that scary? Yes - the idea terrifies me. But it isn’t about me, it is about her, and what is best for her.

Your husband is sucking it up. Us men are Olympic gold medalists at that. Please don't minimize his pain. I can assure you he is feeling plenty.

let me just put it THIS way. Even the most sexually confident men on this board have almost universally talked about feeling emasculated. Most of these men didn't have or didn't perceive any problems at all connecting with thier wife in bed and or at least they had that with thier wife at SOME point. They all still had issues with thier self image and feeling inferior after being cheated on. Even a man with a 12 incher would most likely feel not good enough. Now your husband has been dealt a much clearer and profound hit to his confidence.

Please please please understand that. Your husband will struggle with self worth and confidence in that department for a good long while. Be prepared for that. He might seem like a brick wall that can't be broken right now but that can change at any point. He is on a rollercoaster of emotions right now. My guess is he is being the white knight like he's been tuaght from birth and he's just SUCKING IT UP so as to not make you sad.

Go ahead and read the just found out forum. There are case after case of men struggling with the emasculation. It's not a joke. I'm not trying to rub it in your face. Emasculation is no joke. He has had trouble connecting in bed with you.... WHATEVER the reasons for that disconnect he will STILL struggle with that.

Ad- you took the words right out of my mouth.

Adotta, just stop even bothering with my situation. You are obsessed with the size of your penis and frankly it holds zero interest for me. Now if you have nothing to offer in terms of real support, I will ask you to stop commenting on this thread. I am here for legitimate help, not a discussion of your shortcomings.

I'm going to take one more crack at this and then move on.

You are not like most wayward women here. Most wayward here are battling feelings for the men they had an affair with. Most if them are even wondering if they want to be married at least at the start. They are still "in the fog" as it is called here. They are still very confused about how they feel about thier husbands.

These women mostly need 2 things here IMHO.

1. Tips on fighting the fog and tranfering their focus and energy back to saving thier marriage and away from the OM.

2. tips on how to be a safe wife for thier husbands and help thier husbands heal. Things like communication. Honesty and transparency. Understanding what remorse is and what you have done to your spouse (BIG ONE). Understanding boundries. Understand accountability and respect. Understanding reconciliation is no easy road and that even if you fight as hard as you can you still might lose. Finding your whys.

You aren't really like that. The second group of my text applies to you. But the first group. The fog and emotions for your om..... nothing... you can't claim to need help with that. You have zero feeling for your other man. There is no fog. He was just sex. Completely devoid of connection as you say. Let's just pretend that's a fine way to think about sex and move on.

So what's left then? The second part. The second part is mostly about you're husband and to an equal degree working on YOU and the damage that allowed you to believe cheating on and lying to you're husband was ok to get sex with another man.

I thought my first part didn't apply anymore because there is no fog for you. No emotional upheaval at the loss of your ap. So I skipped right to the second part. And I believe the second part TRULY starts with UNDERSTANDING what you have done to your spouse. How your cheating effected them and what they need to heal. That's what I'm trying to get you to understand. It can be VERY hard to TRULY understand. I believe you understand A LITTLE. Everyone does. Nobody LIKES getting lied to and cheated on.... well most everyone. BUT they can't REALLY understand. I feel I can understand part or most of it but I can't REALLY know. not untill they have had a wife or husband they where 100 percent all in for life with, that betrayed them in that way. And even then males and females react to this in similar but also dissimilar fashion. And I think that's where the divide between me and you is. I'm thinking from a male point of view.... like your husband.

Let's me wrap up....

I have only read 2 MAYBE 3 other stories here and on other sites among thousands I have browsed and hundred I've in depth read and thought about with MORE emasculation involved then this story of yours right here.

I'm sorry you think I'm focused on dicks right now ( your a woman you wouldnt understand) BUT even if your husbands junk isn't the issue at all in your bed life.... your a woman you wouldn't understand. Your also someone who doesn't connect sex and love. Your also wayward. You do not understand. Men don't perceive and feel love the same as women... you do know that right? Men feel love and emotional connection through sex (not completely but it's a big part). Its very important to us. VERY IMPORTANT. Most men will care more about thier wives having sex with another man by a much larger margin then an emotional affair. Maybe your husband is different. But from what I've seen that's rare.

So please stop saying I'm being juvenile. I'm not. I'm very worried about your husband. VERY worried. Most Betrayed husbands on this forum would most likely agree that they would rather be in thier own shitty situation then the situation your husband is currently in. That doesn't apply to everyone of course but still....

I want you to be with your husband. Happy and full of life and love with him. I want that for you. If that's what you truly want. BUT let's think about your husband for a bit. Are you a safe parnter for him?

Most waywards claim 0.2 seconds after the bombs drop on dday they love and adore thier husbands or wives. How it will never happen again. A huge fuck up. How they are going to help thier BS heal. But it takes time to REALLY get there and in thier hearts and souls KNOW they will NEVER do this again. To know what it really takes. It takes effort to get to the point where you don't minimize the damage done. It takes effort to understand your bs and thier pain. It doesn't happen that easily. Some waywards NEVER get there. You are not SUDDENLY a safe partner because you have to now face some consequences and have seen a LITTLE of your betrayed spouse's pain.

You are not there yet. Please put your defence down. You need an open mind. I don't hate you. How could I. I'm no better then you. Please understand that while I'm not nearly as smart as I like to think , I do have an opinion and this is a forum..... and I'm not here to hurt you. This is all just my opinion. And while it may sound crazy and wierd I mean absolutely no harm. I just wanna help. I'm sorry if my first few posts came of super snarky. I guess I did slip in alot of that. But honestly I don't believe my points are crap. Not untill you tell me why they don't apply to you or your husband.

If you want me to leave you alone I will. At this point it would become harassment of sorts if I kept going any further. So I won't make any more posts in this thread if you don't want. This was my last shot at talking to you.

P.S

Also it is kinda funny how you turned the whole shortcomings thing around on me (gave me a chuckle).... but I dealt with those mental knots years ago. Those words are all water off a ducks feathers.

P.s p.s god it took me a while to wrap up.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Adotta at 10:44 PM, April 25th (Wednesday)]

Hi again Barregirl,

Adotta, just stop even bothering with my situation. You are obsessed with the size of your penis and frankly it holds zero interest for me. Now if you have nothing to offer in terms of real support, I will ask you to stop commenting on this thread. I am here for legitimate help, not a discussion of your shortcomings.

This is defensive posture, which is pretty common for people who are just starting out. You're going on the attack and then trying to distance yourself because the respondent's comments are making you feel crummy. When something makes you mad or sad, that's the time to slow everything down. Try to stay open. Read past the strident tone of the posts and look at their content. Get curious. Could it be true? Could your BS be feeling emasculated? Could there be hidden depths to his pain of which you are unaware?

Usually when we push something ardently away it's because we really, really don't want it to be true and we don't want it to be our fault if it is true. I did a lot of this in the early days. You asked about how to deal with the difficult feelings that come up in navigating the post-infidelity landscape, this is a great opportunity to get some experience doing that.

Proceed with conviction and valor.

Barregirl,

Your particular situation sounds familiar. Although, your post is fairly brief, and short on details. So, it leaves a lot to the imagination of those who read it to fill in the missing pieces. Most people usually fill in with what is familiar and related to personal past experiences. Or, what has been learned from reading too many of these threads.

Don't be too surprised by the range and variety of responses.

The usual line goes like this...

Take and learn from what is useful and relevant, leave the rest.

You are not the first, nor last spouse that has taken idle speculative conversation of mild interest regarding an open marriage, and then use it as an excuse to unilaterally seek and engage in a one sided open marriage without telling and involving your significant other. Usually seeking and acting out in the fashion you describe predictable causes problems in the relationship.

Your story line isn't the usual run of the mill typical cheating spouse top ten most common types.

However, I read them enough to say it is probable in the top 20 storylines. Actually, your experimenting/cheating with an open marriage story line is probable one of the top 3 type stories that have the phrase "open marriage" as part of the thread storyline.

Add a few more details. Fill out the time line a bit better. What was said? How? When?

It will define the details and help those who have relevant experiences and knowledge about this provide a bit better/more accurate answers that might be of some use.