SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It just seems as if Kamstel wanted to read some uplifting posts. We posts links to posts by "ohforanewme" and "spaceghost0007" all the time. What's the problem?

[This message edited by Wool94 at 6:31 PM, May 4th (Friday)]

The Guidelines are clear that links to other posts aren't supposed to be posted. If they are posted, let a moderator know. As much as we try, we can't catch every infraction.

Thank you for clearing that up.

Walloped I posted your links because you are an example of somebody who searched for your truth and then followed it.

Sorry for causing this problem. I didn’t mean to violate or encourage others to violate any of the rules.

I was thinking it might be helpful to read some quality threads from people who did a good job surviving and exiting the hell imposed on them, whether it was to move toward divorce or to reconcile

Once again, I’m sorry

At the very top of the Reconciliation Forum, there is a very large thread started by SI staff onPositive Reconciliation Stories.

Could we do something similar for those betrayed non Judy Found Out Forum???

Just an idea, not trying to cause a problem

JFO and the R forum are inherently different, both in form and tempo.

Much of the advice in JFO is triage, though occasionally a story is bumped to give insight into a new member's situation.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 9:54 PM, May 4th (Friday)]

Then why not give examples of how others dealt with that triage?

Now this is going to seem odd....

But after looking in the other forums, there are threads about positive stories of reconciliations, and new beginnings, why is there no “positive stories”’of divorcing and separation? Do we as a online community favor one decision over another? Even subtly?

-Posting as a member-

Every New Beginning story is a story of a member who in 99% of the stories, divorced. It might help if you clicked on that pinned thread and read it.

Every member who JFO is encouraged to create their own success story by applying the sage advice in the pinned and bullseyed threads in this forum.

There is no bias. There is no agenda here except to support members experiencing infidelity to get through this intact - regardless of the marital outcome.

This is getting out of hand...and for this I am sorry.

Then if we already pinning “tactical primer” and selected bullseyes, wouldn’t it also benefit those who just discovered that they have been cheated on to read some of better threads by individuals that have survived and gotten through this hell?

I’m sorry, but I swear I was and am only trying to help others. I am NOT trying to push either divorce or reconciliation.

Maybe it would be best if we just shut down this thread completely, and I won’t bring up the topic again.

[This message edited by Kamstel at 7:17 AM, May 5th (Saturday)]

"....threads by individuals that have survived and gotten through this hell?"

That's the intent of the collective forums--the essence of SI.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 7:33 AM, May 5th (Saturday)]

But with all of the threads from those that are in complete turmoil, wouldn’t it beneficial to have a select few that new people can draw inspiration from?

How long would it take new people here to find such inspirational threads?

[This message edited by Kamstel at 7:39 AM, May 5th (Saturday)]

I think you have to define what you think is a success. If its reconciliation its one thing. If its divorce then another. The end is the same, getting out of infidelity, but the paths are different.

Mine was to D as quick as possible with as much as possible. That meant trying to keep her in the fog where she didn't care about anything but the AP and I came out on top in the D by minimizing consequence in other places. It has it's own brutal side too.

For those trying to reconcile it appears the strategy is to snap them out of it with a massive amount of consequence up front. Reconciliation has a huge amount of suffering too from what I've read. God bless those who go this route.

To each there own. In the end there is happiness in both routes. There is none in infidelity.

I see nothing positive in JFO stories. They are filled with pain and trauma. No one is ever going to say “I just found out and it was awesome!!!” New members find their inspiration from members responding to their threads and by engaging authentically with others. It requires time and effort - but if one is looking for a shortcut through this experience, they’re going to miss out.

Karmital was one really strong bw. Her response to getting cheated on is the ONLY one ive ever read that made me actually laugh. Its incredible.

Have you read the Tactical Primer, pinned at the top of JFO?

Also, there are a few posts with target icons in JFO, usually within the first 2-3 pages.

I think I understand what you are looking for but there are no "selected few" that would be most fitting for most everyone.

I think when we first find ourselves here, we often think we are alone and our story is very unique, rare and the worst thing that could happen to anyone, ever. And then we go to the other extreme in thinking that all stories are similar, all cheaters are close to the same, there is some pattern to the best choices to be made, and the worst, or some formula to go through if couples want to R (like prescribed lists of must do's for the WS). And the WS who doesn't do everything on the list MUST be divorced. I'm exaggerating a little to make my point.

While we can be supportive and sympathetic to each other and share experiences which may help a BS who is trying to figure out the best plan of action in his/her own situation, the fact remains everybody needs their own plan, and should not rely too heavily on advice of others who are not really in their shoes and never will be.

We have had threads before that were almost like fan clubs where members were naming the most "inspirational members" or something like that. Nobody ever named me, except me. I rarely push "collective wisdom" in any form, don't post my own positive story in the "positive stories" on the R forum, and so on. I certainly don't fault those who do but will explain why I don't.

Because my story is unique. You can be happy for me that my M is solid, but it just does not have any bearing on what is going on in YOUR marriage. I guess I feel it would give false hope to some.

I also survived infidelity prior to coming to SI as I threw my serial cheater XH out after 13 years of M, in 1992. I will not discount the things I did right and wrong, that I figured out mostly on my own. For me it is weighing it all out as best I can with the information I have and being decisive.

These individuals were decisive; they didn't linger in victimhood.

This is somewhat my motto in life, and it has served me well, but I'm not one to give others advice other than think about everything and do what is best for you, and on your own timeline.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 9:19 AM, May 5th (Saturday)]

To sisoon:

Thank you for writing this. It's where I am now and was a comfort to read.

1) I took the time I needed to decide what I wanted to do.

2) I analyzed my sitch and figured the probabilities of getting what I wanted.