SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you for responding.

Again, your situation is bad. I'm not sure he's ready to start working on any marital issues at this point.

As bad as things were, right now, the original marital issues are like a scratch compared to the gaping hole in his chest from the gunshot wound of the affair.

I like the idea of writing things out for him about the affair. That way he can recover on his own timing.

Just be sure and not hold anything back.

Most affairs are bad because of the sex, but people can recover from that.

What makes it harder is when a wayward spouse withholds information or lies about things.

As a BS, I can tell you, that hurts like hell.

Keep posting and asking questions. God bless.

I am a BS, that said, I feel badly for you and for him. I don't truly understand the "fog" having never been on that side of things, but I do understand the concept of the fantasy/escape.

I agree with others who say despite the problems in the marriage, the choice to seek validation and have an A is only yours to own, and it sounds like you are, so I commend you for that.

Gosh honestly I don’t know but I do know I don’t want to try and dissect him if he’s not willing to open up. I do think he needs to figure himself

Sadly, I feel like there needs to be some dissection and open dialogue to heal and move forward. It needs to be vulnerable, painful and honest. It sucks, but ignoring it does not actually move you forward.

I am new to this journey, but having been on the betrayed side, I don't believe I could be moving forward without discussing and really feeling and processing the plethora of emotions I have felt over the last few months. I can't imagine your H is not feeling those emotions and believe he isn't really going to be able to move through it with any sort of depth and healing until he does.

I have read other forums where BS made drastic changes/ended their marriages on the spot as a result of betrayal...but they still experienced emotion and grieved what they lost. That is the human experience, to feel. Your H history of PTSD may be playing a role in this.

I am also concerned with your language use that you had an accidental threesome...perhaps an unexpected or unsolicited threesome, but at some point in that, you had a choice to engage and it sounds as though you did so because you saw that your H was turned on by it (maybe I don't travel in those circles, but it seems pretty forward to come into a bedroom and start kissing someone you don't know...have you asked your H if that was planned ahead of time?)

What you choose to do sexually is your call, but regardless of your choice to have an A, you still have a seat at the table in exploring how you and your H can move your intimacy along and what you do or do not want to do sexually. My strong bias is towards healing the two of you first, without complicating things by adding new partners.

Good luck. Open, honest communication, though likely uncomfortable, is I think critical for you both and support in IC will help you both navigate this winding, undulating road.

[This message edited by hopeandhealing at 10:08 AM, May 7th (Monday)]

Has your husband been checked for low testosterone levels? As men age sometimes testosterone levels drop. No testosterone means no sex drive. He can love you like hell and see you as beautiful as all hell as well but without testosterone it's no sex for him unless he basicly forces himself.

[This message edited by Adotta at 11:20 AM, May 7th (Monday)]

Thanks again wool. I’m sorry that you were violated by your spouse. It’s encouraging to see your strength.

I think someone asked if I apologized to AP’s wife. I did. A few times. I texted her apologizing for the hurti caused and for the level of betrayal I committed. At my first apology AP had been lying saying that it was just once physically and some texting. As I said, my BS wanted no details so I did not tell him anything much other than “I had an affair with AP.” We didn’t really speak much the next couple weeks but some where in there I apologized to AP’s wife. She said she wanted to remain friends that she could get over it but just needed time. I didn’t say much to her other than just focus on you right now. And that o hopes o e day we could at least co exist in the same room for our children. After that BS and I were going to go to counseling just help us either end it or see if anything was left to save but to work on remaining friendly as possible for our children. The night before we went to counseling I contacted AP to let him know that I was going to tell BS the truth if he asked for it. I don’t know why I did that. I should not have. I love(d?) him and didn’t want to blindside him. He told me that if I told the truth he’d likely lose his wife. I told him that I couldn’t start fresh tho without the truth. I told him BS might not even ask about it but that if he did I would be truthful. AP asked me to runaway. I cried and said he could t eff with my headline this that I loved him and hated him. Then I hung up. The next day our counseling got canceled. That night I heard BS on the phone. AP had told his wife the full truth and she called my BS and told him. Then she called me and said she needed answers from me. The whole conversation is blurry. I almost like an out of body experience. There was a lot said. She was drunk. I just listened. Cried. Apologized. Answered any questions she wanted. After That was when I lost my sanity. bs and I stayed up most of the night talking. I think I did the same for him that I did for her. Just listened, cried, apologized, answered whatever he needed to know. The next day I checked into the psych ward. Weeks later AP’s bs reached out to me wanting to meet. I had already had my letters written. I met with her. She asked me more questions. We hugged, we cried... then I went to their house and gave AP my letter and said good bye to him.

It NC for a month after that when AP’s wife reached out again to chat.we texted here and there as she needed. Long story short there it was not conducive as I triggered things for her so we decided to say our goodbyes forever. I apologized again for hurting her so deeply and ruining our family’s bond. And that was that.

It was then that our other friends cut me out as well. I reached out to AP asking him if he was struggling with our other friends but he never replied and blocked me.

I have been completely honest w everyone when it’s asked of me. I don’t give forth details without being asked bc I tread lightly. I’m not embarrassed or trying to preserve my image. I’m honest about my infidelity to those that need to know and ask me.

Hope- my counselor said the same thing. bS says no but you’re right. It’s so strange. There’s other things that have happened that make me question BS and his fidelity but he swears to being faithful. I sure hope he is not lying.

Adotta- he won’t go to the dr! I suggested it, the counselor suggested it... I don’t know why. If I made the appointment for him he likely would but I already have 3 children. I don’t want to mother him.

I have a question... when we do have sex, he finishes quickly. If he had low testosterone would that make a difference on when he finished?

FoenixRising, I think can answer that last question of yours. I have to take t shots every week. My testosterone was extremely low and I had a hard time getting it up at all. But once up, I functioned normally. But if you have not had sex in a while (for me anyway), usually it is quicker than one would like.

Thank you William.

Bs spends an awful lot of time in the bathroom. Always has. I seriously thought that he just pooped a lot...

Last night after he was gone for a while and said he was in the bathroom, I asked him if he was masturbating in there. He laughed and said ‘no!’ Then got defensive about it.

I’m glad I came across this forum butihaveto day... now I’m doubting BS’s honesty with me and I’m not sure what to do with that. He never wants to talk about us. Just wants to move on past this. I thought that was just his coping mechanism but I’m wondering more so now if he is hiding things.

Our first counselor 10 years ago told me that if I demanded things from him that it would not be beneficial. That it’s ok to have some personal secrets (like when you masturbate... types of porn you look at...). But I’m not so sure about that anymore.

Hello, fellow wayward. I'll start by saying our situations were similar (as many affairs are) save for the fact that my wife was not interested in rugsweeping. She found out about my A after my AP moved away months before. She hit me with a D petition and told me we were done. She took me to task for every detail, repeatedly, for years. I listened and did my best to empathize. We are still together, 3 years later and still working on what our marriage is today. I no longer fear divorce but I'm concerned that I will spend the rest of my life in a dead marriage. She loves me but not all the time if that makes sense.

I know (knew?) him and his heart and he’s a wonderful person.

This is probably the biggest thing that I noted from your post. Wonderful people don't screw their best friends wives. I thought my AP was a wonderful woman too until I eventually learned that she was a spouse poacher. I found out that she was fired from a previous nanny position for hitting on the dad. Long after our affair ended, she was preying on another married man. I only know this because my BW hired a PI to gather info. I told my wife I didn't care and I didn't. I just wanted my wife back. I never intended to leave her for my AP but like you, I lost myself for a period of time. 40s are a bitch I tell you.

Until you accept the fact that your AP wasn't such a wonderful person, your healing and ability to go forward will be delayed. You're not seeing things objectively as it appears you're still in the fog and your BH can smell it on you.

I wish you well. It's spring here and like every spring for the past 2 years, I hope that me and my BW can fall in love again. It's happening but it takes a long time. I know that we will make it though because we are both doing/did the hard work that R takes. This site and the advice I received here helped me more than any therapy did so keep posting and reading. I don't post too much but I'm here reading every day. Good luck to you.