SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your question is phrased with a lot of negativity and doesn’t read as honest curiosity, but I’ll do my best to answer from my perspective as I’m trying to work through this with an IC.

Right now my answer would be that I’ve been with H since I was 14 years old and he was 22, there’s always been issues of power discrepancies and inequality in our relationship, I live hundreds of miles away from my family support system and I have been very isolated living in H’s hometown with HIS family and HIS friends and he has always discouraged any other interactions or friendships, I’ve been a SAHM for the majority of my adult life and money has always been very very tight with periods where we lived below poverty line, we have a very codependent relationship, and H was willing to fight for custody of the kids to spite me and so he wouldn’t be alone, even though it would not be to their benefit as he’s never been a primary or active parent. He made it very clear he would perjure himself if necessary, going so far as to threaten abuse claims and alienate me from my older child.

In my very first visit with my IC, I told her, I’m a weak chicken shit, and that sums it up nicely. I don’t expect H to change anymore. I’m trying to let go of my anger and resentment over that and focus on what I can change. I recognize that I have to break our codependent cycle, stop enabling behavior that makes me miserable and stop making myself a victim. Maybe fixing myself will turn the tide for my marriage, maybe not. Hopefully it will set a better example for my children.

To me it seems to boil down to selfishness. If a rational person was unhappy, they would say something and get counseling or divorce. The problem with exit affairs is they don't want to lose their Plan B. So they have their affair fun and "choose" who they go right into a new relationship with. The AP or the BS. This way they don't ever have to be alone.

IMO, all affairs should be considered to be a form of EXIT AFFAIR - as one spouse exited the Marriage.

The WS knows that they are doing something that they themselves cannot accept if the roles were reversed and they do it anyway (that’s why the struggle with the idea of a potential RA in the aftermath - some WS’s give permission for these as a way to maintain control which a BS never had and the offer is an effing insult).

Affairs are built on selfishness and need - I need this or more of this - which us BS’s describe as cake eating or blame or the feeling of revenge for not providing WS’S (usually)unspoken need.

Those WS’s that stay in their Marriages, I believe that either during the Affair or upon discovery realize - wait, I dont really want this person full time - I mean I wanted it for a minute and I twisted my brain to do it but I didn’t really think this all the way through. The AP does not fill any desire other than being my cheerleader and sex slave (sounds nice but we’ve all dumped this person before). I gave the keys to me and AP just pretended to be exactly what I said I needed - checked those boxes first (tell me I’m awesome - act willing and like a porn star in bed). When the AP begins to show that they have actual feelings and desires outside of the unspoken rules of engagement - there is either a Full Marriage rewrite to accommodate a new potential future or a keep AP happy so they don’t tell. I do not know her/him - would I bank my future on the AP - they’re cheating with me. Most Affairs that I read about or know - the WS doesn’t actually like many (too many) things about their AP (they always affair down). It’s mostly surface “likes”. I would go so far as to say if everyone was single they wouldn’t even date their AP (or date again - the old flame that didn’t work out the first time). The options are somewhat limited when people are married to have an affair/a new sexual partner - being that good potential future mates would not be an AP. There is a desperation in all AP and WS’s - like they have to move on it right now or the opportunity will go away. A good AP is hard to come by - the cake eating kind that is NSA - no feels - no demands - does exactly as I need when I need it, plays second all the time - doesn’t exist unless it’s paid for. IMO, these could still be considered an exit affair as the WS understands the risks of losing their family for these acts.

So, let me rephrase my opening sentence - as a BS- I believe that all sex outside of the marriage should be considered an EXIT AFFAIR that maybe really just come down to OPPORTUNITY (created or otherwise), COWARDICE and PURE SELFISHNESS. If it works out that a WS actually exits the marriage for an AP - well, very few of those work out.

A true exit affair (by the definition most seem to uphold) probably looks more like WS dumps everyone - hurts BS and AP and walks away - leaving no doubt that AP was used as a tool and BS doesn’t deserve any respect - it’s a straight FU.

If a WS chooses to stay to rebuild - the struggle is real. It takes a whole lot to convince a BS that when the opportunity is in front of you again and all the superficial likes are in place that the WS won’t take a bite again - especially now that they have had a taste.

All affairs are EXIT AFFAIRS if the BS chooses to not rebuild. The initial exit was already made by the WS. It’s the BS that decides if their is a future with a WS (unless the WS has an AFFAIR to hurt their partner with that purpose - doesn’t really hide it - wants to be caught and everyone gets to feel that wrath including the borrowed AP) - I have only seen one of these. All other WS keep coming back to their BS or are very unhappy with their AP and I mean very unhappy with the lies they told themselves for the AP.

I talk too much - I get that!

ETA- dang - just realized that this was WW side - said too much - probably grounded - it can be taken down if it’s too much!

[This message edited by Thislife at 8:54 AM, May 13th (Sunday)]