SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My WW wife and I are separated but working on R and have been getting along very well. Her BFF threw her a surprise birthday party inviting all of her family except me. WW and I even went out to dinner with BFF and her Boyfriend a few weeks back and had a great time.

BFF knew about the affair all along so I'm not a big fan of hers anyway but put all that aside. WW feels she had good intentions about not inviting me like she didn't want in to be awkward for her. (Her BFF gave her really bad advice including teller her to lie to me when AP would contact WW during R) . I fell it was done out of spite towards me and our R process.

Should I be this upset?

WW says I'm playing too much into it

Also she told me she wished I was there with her, but I got no phone call.

[This message edited by Jeffruss79 at 11:36 PM, June 9th (Saturday)]

My suggestion is that your WW needs to end her friendship with this woman. She is not a friend of the marriage. I bet she is cheating as well. She needs to completely separate herself from this woman. And she should admonish her for leaving you out of it. Not give her excuses for her actions of leaving you out.

I agree with WilliamM. Your WW's BFF is not your friend and not a friend of your marriage. See, if the BFF was truly a friend she would have held your WW accountable for her choices. She would have encouraged your WW to tell you the truth.

How is someone a BFF when they encourage you to be your worst version of yourself?

My FWH had to end his over 30+ year friendship with his H.S. BFF because not only did this BFF know of my FWH's affair he went away on a weekend trip with my FWH and the OW. OW had to get a friend for my FWH's BFF to go on the trip, too. I didn't force my FWH to end this friendship. I told my FWH that, lets call him Andy, wasn't my friend. He had stabbed me in the back along with FWH. Fuck Andy. I don't have to forgive him or reconcile with him. FWH knew that being friends with Andy would be painful to me and trigger me. He knew that he had ruined his lifelong friendship over some strange va jay jay. He knew that things were never going to be the same and I didn't "make" him do anything.

That is how you know when you have a remorseful spouse who really "gets it". They can put themselves in your position, the BS, and realize that they would not want you to be friends with someone that wasn't a friend of the marriage. It is called empathy.

I feel your WW has a ways to go in the remorseful and empathy department. My FWH didn't "get it" right away either about some other things. What helped my FWH was for me to flip the situation. When you talk to your WW about this situation just flip it around. How would she feel if she was BS, there was a surprise party planned for you by your BFF and she wasn't invited?

The fact that your WW sees nothing wrong what happened is very telling as well as wayward behavior. While you are in R, she is not. At least not 100% mentally she's not.

WW feels she had good intentions

Given the BFF’s past actions, IMO she is incapable of having good intentions. At least in regards to you and your WW’s relationship.

WW says I'm playing too much into it

Nope. She is a horrible influence at best, a cancer at worse. You know it. And the fact that your WW does not see it, and instead makes excuses for her, is revealing.

Did her BFF facilitate her alcohol addiction in any way?

WW says I'm playing too much into it

Also she told me she wished I was there with her, but I got no phone call.

Sadly, your wife is still deceiving you and trying to manipulate the situation. During R, pay attention to her actions. Her words mean very little at this point. She has already shown you that she has no problems with deceiving you. Look at what are her actions are telling you by not inviting you and then defending her friend, instead of sticking up for you. In my opinion, they are both showing you a great deal of disrespect.

I strongly agree with WilliamM. Her BFF is not a friend of the marriage and their friendship needs to end. If your wife will not end the friendship, then her actions (not her words) will tell you what is important to her.

Your wife needs to show you she is worthy of reconciliation and that the marriage is important to her. So far, your WW and her friend are treating you and the marriage like garbage. You deserve better than this.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 3:19 AM, June 10th (Sunday)]

Wayward thinking. You aren't in R.

Sorry man

You're not in R.

The question is why are you going to dinner with them if they knew?

Your wife and this friend are still friends so how does that give you piece of mind when they go out or communicate about stuff?

Also how can you be separated but working on R? You wife is enjoying freedom, are you surprised you didn't get a phone call? Are you surprised the selfish person who had an affair didn't consider you?

Softly softly will get you slapped in the face each and every time. Time to make some tough choices about your R and how you approach it.

I went back and read your previous threads. You moved out of your home and living in an apartment.

Your WW's friend is an enabler. The only one who thinks they are in R is you. You aren't getting along well because you're still separated.

You are married to a cake eater who is playing you.

The only one keeping you in this mess is you.

You can waste your life on this if want but I sure wouldn't.

You should wake up now to reality. Make a decision and move on.

I agree with the others that her friend has to go but I imagine she would cut you before cutting her.

Why would you even go on a double date with her friend. You t seems you’re making all the compromises. This friend is not your friend and is a threat to any possibility of a successful R

Since you’re separated, how sure are you that she’s not seeing a new man. Someone who may have been invited to party.

You’ve been playing knight in shining armor with this woman so long that you’ve lost any willingness to pursue what’s best for you. 12 years is a long time but don’t let the thoughts of the sunken cost keep you stuck.

The time has long come for you to stop putting your life on hold.

BTW: Did you ever want kids of your own? Just curious.

Your wife's BFF is not responsible for your wife's choice to LIE to you or to cheat on you.

And you're right - if your wife supposedly wanted you at that party SO bad, she would have called you.

She chose not to.

I'm assuming your wife is a responsible grown adult with a job and a car and a marriage and all the trappings of adulthood - not some 16 year old kid bending to peer pressure.

Any choices your wife has made have been made by HER and were made in her OWN best interests.

Put the accountability where it belongs.

[This message edited by NoMercy at 7:40 AM, June 10th (Sunday)]

If your wife is truly into reconciling, she needs to get rid of this friend or really distance herself. This friend doesn't have her best interest in mind. Your wife should be telling her "friend" that now that she's made the decision to reconcile, she needs the friend's support, not sabotage. Also, I'm the betrayed wife here, so maybe my view is skewed, but she should say "You don't invite my husband and you are no friend of mine."

Gently, it sounds like maybe someone else was there who was her date. Is your wife in R, or is she dating you (and others) while separated? That's not information you're going to get from her or anyone else by choice. You'll have to do some investigative work -- or not. You're separated already. You shouldn't have to deal with this kind of BS too. I think I would 180 her for now and see if she distances herself from the friend. If not, this might not be a healthy relationship for you. Good luck.

Echoing all the comments above!

Also, this is a perfect example of why it’s not a good idea to be separated while attempting R, and it certainly sounds like your WW is not really in R at all...if she was then she should have walked out as soon as she discovered you were not invited.

A point made above that the responsibility lies with your WW and not her enabling friends is completely correct, however, those enablers need to be removed from her life to be sure that those unhealthy influences are no longer there, and as a consequence for her choices.

If those friends don’t go away and you don’t start cohabitating, your chances or R are slim to none.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 10:04 AM, June 10th (Sunday)]

My suggestion is that your WW needs to end her friendship with this woman. She is not a friend of the marriage.

Yeah, I can't imagine being ok with anyone who knew. In my case I'm not aware of any who knew, but anyone who even acted sympathetic to her after the A (a couple work people) have been blackballed.

You've taught your wife how she can treat you. She's fine with the current status. She doesn't have to anything so she won't.

Perhaps you should make a decision

I’m sorry - my first thought was the BFF invited the AP instead and thought that would be awkward. Whether the affair continues or not - whether AP was invited or not - your WW is doing/saying something to her BFF that gave BFF the impression that not inviting you would be okay.

Thank you all for the insight. You all said everything that I was thinking. I struggle with codependent issues and I'm working on myself to overcome them. It's infuriating to me that my WW won't see the manipulation from her bff. I feel that WW does talk shit about me to her and that's why this all happened. Either way it's not OK.

Thanks everyone

My WW wife and I are separated but working on R...

As others have pointed out, this is a bit of a contradiction. It seems to me that your WW is just stringing you along. Reconciliation requires 100% commitment to the marriage. Anything less is just... well, less, you know?

I also agree with several other posters who have pointed out that this BFF is not much of a friend. Deliberately excluded you is a slap in the face, if you ask me. It's a revealing action.

I struggle with codependent issues...

This is something you're going to have to work out for yourself, because it will become an impediment to reconciliation. There's really no way around that. Read Melonie Beattie's books on codependency. There's also a thread dedicated to CoD issues in the "I Can Relate" forum.