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My H has been gone for a week for work. I looked forward to a few days on the weekend to lounge and read, meditate, take long baths, sleep-in. That might sound selfish but we have both had traveling jobs and we are conditioned to try and make those times positive. We miss each other but it’s usually best to make the best of things and this has been that way most of our marriage. When the kids were young it was harder on whoever had to stay back, but it’s been better for years.

After dday I have turned down any travel, and h was able to arrange 6 months at home hoping to stabilize things better. So travel hasn’t been prevalent for some of our recovery.

Getting to the point, during this trip I realized that I have lacked personal accountability and motivation on certain things when he is not around. These are not affair related type things. For example, we started running together a little over a month ago to train for a race. In the past if we were doing something like that, I would skip over some of it while apart. Many times on things like that we really had a parent child thing going on- he says I need to go so I do it begrudgingly.

So when he was leaving he asked if I was going to do the runs. I said yes. I do enjoy them and the endorphins from them are great - gives me a sense of well-being. I had self doubts about them. Would I push myself as hard? Would I walk more through the intervals? I realized that I had been progressing out of accountability to him, even though I do want to do it.

So I have done all the runs to my maximum capacity. I made the same kinds of gains that I had been making the weeks he was here. I thought about what life looks like without him- the things I would never do or try on my own. What would happen to this or that he does? I do rely on him for a lot of things, but My new goal is not to rely on him for getting me to be personally accountable for things. If it’s something I have to force myself to do (hobby wise) then I will identify that as people pleasing and just say I am out. (After giving it an honest try) and if it’s something I like then I will take more accountability to reasearch it and not rely on him to set everything up, and I will be personally accountable to myself in carrying it through rather than making him my dad or coach or something.

That’s all, just some thoughts on changing dynamics.

Hiking out that is a wonderful post of self-reflection.

I wholeheartedly approve of your realization and your personal development goal.

That being said, don't be too hard on yourself! My ex BIL is my regular workout partner. Without the external accountability of having to meet him for our early morning workouts, I would be sleeping in. Every time!

Seriously, in your situation it perhaps comes down to this sentence:

he asked if I was going to do the runs. I said yes.

You said that you would. So you did.

Be kind to your knees. Seriously. I used to pound the pavement a ton. Turned 50 and suddenly I didn't want to get anything out of the bottom cabinet in the kitchen. Perhaps it might be prudent to try cycling.

Thanks Butforthegrace. We are older so we are doing the walk/run/walk program because it's supposed to have far less injury. I have never been a runner in my life. I always have these bursts of time when exercise/eating well has been a focus, but then longer times when it becomes dormant. It has been enough to keep me from being overweight, so I was always okay with it. But, in the midst of the depressing year we've had I learned to be more consistent with exercise out of shear need. I recommend it to all newer waywards because the endorphins have been therapy for me in so many ways. I do appreciate what you are telling me though!

Antlered - I am usually good about doing what I say I will do, but I think the issue for me is what's underneath it. (in other times if he asked that question I would have been non-committal - meaning I didn't say I would do something and not do it, I basically said up front I was unlikely to do it)

I was a big people pleaser before the A. I began to feel I had nothing left to give and I probably didn't, I did nothing for self-enrichment. I did and do have a good career, but between doing that and coming home and playing super-mom/super-wife I was a shell of a person. All self-imposed, no one did it to me but me. After DDAY my therapist made me stop everything and be still. Oh, the anxiety! I mean, I had just confessed an A, and now she wanted me to stop doing so much for my family? It was counter-intuitive. Especially since I think deep down I believed that I was loved for all those acts of service. My husband used to say how selfless I was, and I thought that was what was needed to be loved. Anyway, after giving up all that stuff, and slowly adding back the things I truly wanted to do, it changed my perspective a lot.

So, this moment for me is about being able to sort it out - things I do to please people, things I do because I want to, things I do to please myself. It's taken it to a new level and it's uncovered to me that I really do rely on my husband as if he's my accountability system. Like a parent or an authority figure. He isn't, but I have made him that. Something I would never have been able to see before because it was covered up with all my people-pleasing tasks and bullshit. It's my step of learning that I do have the ability to self-motivate for the things I want to do. While I don't ever want my life to be with out him - learning that I could still do these things on my own and be interesting without him is a way of building up self-love.

When I married him, I knew I was marrying up. He's interesting, he loves to learn, to try new things. My family wasn't like that. I wasn't like that. Anything I have done well in my life I have learned to do from him or through him. When he wanted to divorce a while back, I thought I would revert back to the young woman he found when we met - I would spent my days reading, watching tv, and just getting by. I wondered if I had an identity without him.

I don't know if I am totally painting the picture, but it's a new ring of growth for me. It's part of embracing myself and knowing that if he left, or something happened, that I will be a full person. And, knowing that I can expand in that in the marriage too. I don't think all that came out in the first post. I share it because I think the wayward board is usually focused on just getting through whatever is in front of us, and telling people there is a lot of work to do, but not really showing what that work might look like. It's rebuilding yourself as a person, and not just staying faithful to your spouse. Honestly, even though I know I am a wayward and I know I had an affair - faithfulness wasn't a struggle for me before and it isn't now. There are waywards on here that in itself is a battle. But, becoming a whole person, one who loves herself and doesn't need to feel like she is only who she is because of her husband. That's my battle. One I didn't even know that I had.

Running is great! I have been running for years but upped my effort a few years back, joined a club and have just run my first marathon. When I found out about H's affair it was running that kept me sane. You don't need to pound the pavements! I do about 60% of my running off-road - much easier on the joints.

Can any of you send me some of that running motivation...

I have cute running shoes, cute running outfits...no motivation.

hikingout,

Personal accountability at home is an issue for me, even in the smallest details. I work 2 jobs, one of them is part-time and at home I tend to collapse when I get home and not do my fair share of cleaning the kitchen. Just come home, eat dinner, and I am guilty of leaving dishes in the sink, and just falling asleep because I work 10 hours and drive an hour each way to work. All of which is lazy, blame shifting wayward behavior.

hikingout,

Following through and doing what you say you are going to do has been a huge issue for me. I know it has hurt my BS immensely each time I have let her down, it is great to see you keeping your word.

Thanks guys,

I don't know if I expressed this well in my other postings, but this isn't about keeping my word about running. It's more about not making my husband an authority figure. Doing things because they are ME and not because I am supposed to or because I will disappoint anyone. Yes, that's important too, especially while getting out of infidelity. But, I usually did anything that I said I would do (minus the affair, which trust and faitfulness is a big thing not to follow through on).

I used running as an example, but this is about way more than that. This is about the idea I had in my head to kind of follow my husband through life and not establishing myself (outside of my career). Taking responsibility for my own hobbies, actions, and becoming more whole for me, and not just for him. This is probably hard for some to understand, but honestly - many of the things I have done in life is for him. And, I am not saying I don't want to do things for him. I just have to learn when I am doing some things I am not really doing it for him. Personal accountability means that these are things I would do without him as well. I am having trouble expressing it, but even things I wanted to do in my mind I was thinking "I need to do that, he will be disappointed if I don't". That's a parent/child feeling.

I want to be able to expand myself more - for me - and knowing he will benefit from it is important, but not have it be the only reason that I am doing it. It's a different dynamic. A different way of thinking. It's like I said, I knew I married up, and I have walked around for the last 20+ years with this "I wouldn't have done all these interesting things or learned these things if not for him". And, I am thankful for that. But, I also need to be able to independently look at something and say "I made that goal, I executed it, and I feel good about it". That's different than saying to myself "He wanted for us to try this and I checked the box".

He came home Tuesday night and we ran together on Wednesday morning. When we were approaching our home, he said "I can see you have improved, we averaged X each mile that's about 30 seconds more than when I left". I said "Were you surprised I did this while you were gone? Not always my MO" and he said "Yeah, I know. You took up this hobby with me, but you have learned you enjoyed it and stayed accountable without me". I said "Yes, normally I would have just made the motions. I made you an authority figure and was doing something because you said I had to do it, but I used that as an excuse to dial it in. Now, I realize that if I don't want to do something I don't do it, and I don't lead us down a path where I am doing it to please you. But, adversely, the new thing I recognized if I do something I no longer will then say I am doing it because he will be disappointed if I don't". He understood completely, but of course he is more in tune with where I was and where I am trying to head.

I wish I could express it better, but it boils down to - I have been mastering the people pleasing thing, but didn't realize that I was still martyring myself even on the things I wanted to do. I made him my accountability for both things. That's exhausting. It's not healthy. It paints him in a way that makes him not my partner.

I understand hikingout...

I will share that as a BS that is my process EXACTLY.

I spent many years trying to be the perfect wife, mother, friend...to the point that I was exhausted and resentful.

For example...I love baking. I love taking cupcakes and treats to my kids school. I started doing it because I enjoyed it...then it turned into if I didnt do it..people would think I was lazy, that I didnt care anymore, that my husband would see me as not being the perfect"mom". I hated baking...but I did it. I become the bake sale martyr. And I was miserable and that came out in all other aspects of my life. I completely understand where you are coming from.

THank you for being apart of my journey today. Sometimes I stumble. But is it REALLY REALLY hard to undo behavior when your self talk is negative. I appreciate you today. That you were honest about your journey..because I needed to hear that other people are in the same place as me. Thank you so much...I truly believe that you have learned from your choices. But not in away that just benefits your husband... but everyone who loves you and who is LOVED BY YOU.

Isnt it ironic that our journey is the same in some parts...even though we started at opposite ends of this mountain called infidelity.

Thank you for being a guide not as a WS but as a human being who is taking this journey step by step. I appreciate you with my whole heart today. Thank you

Thank you Prissy4life.

Before I read your response I saw another BS describing this struggle. I was like "Wait! This is how I have felt! This is what I have been trying to express".

I realize that infidelity aside, many women struggle with what I am talking about. Being the perfect mom, showing our love through service. It's been freeing to see that I can be loved and as a good mom or even wife without all the over the top, give more than I have to give nonsense. It's been a wake up call for me. It's empowering sometimes to realize this is separate from being a wayward. This might have been a contributing factor with how I ended up poorly dealing with all of it, but this specific part is a journey many of us are one as our children need us less and less. It's been humbling, and I am very humbled by your message today.

He's interesting, he loves to learn, to try new things. My family wasn't like that. I wasn't like that. Anything I have done well in my life I have learned to do from him or through him. When he wanted to divorce a while back, I thought I would revert back to the young woman he found when we met - I would spent my days reading, watching tv, and just getting by. I wondered if I had an identity without him.

I find that statement to be the most interesting thing I've read in any of your posts apropos of your A. Consider what we've been telling Rideitout ad nauseum in his thread. So often we find some kernel of existential angst at the heart of an A.

Way back in the day I had a GF who seemed 100% all-in in terms of going running with me, or to the gym, or reading a book, practicing a musical instrument, etc. When we broke up she told me in anger that she only did that stuff because she was trying to impress me and that the effort of keeping up with it all was stressing her to the breaking point, which was why our relationship was going so badly. I never knew. She made it seem like all of that stuff was an authentic part of who she truly was.

Way back in the day I had a GF who seemed 100% all-in in terms of going running with me, or to the gym, or reading a book, practicing a musical instrument, etc. When we broke up she told me in anger that she only did that stuff because she was trying to impress me and that the effort of keeping up with it all was stressing her to the breaking point, which was why our relationship was going so badly. I never knew. She made it seem like all of that stuff was an authentic part of who she truly was.

I would say my boundaries would be described as better than that. But not much better. I was young when I married my husband. And, I was married and divorced before that. The first marriage was to my highschool sweetheart, it was very short lived and we both were not ready. As a divorced young woman I was a bit of a disaster - living on my own where I virtually knew noone. And, I didn't know what to do. I was lost. I watched reruns on tv, I slept through the weekends, it was no existence. So, part of me thinking of being divorced put me in that was the mindset I would be in. It was certainly a weird fear to have, but it's true, I have been with my H my entire adult life pretty much.

He came from a better, way more normal family. And, he accepted my crazy chaotic dysfunctional one. Today, I can see their dysfunction and just observe it without any attachment to it. But, he was the fire that would say "Why can't we do this? or Here is how I see that working". He was solutions oriented, learning oriented, adventure oriented. I was not any of those things at all. I didn't have hobbies or interests. I had, however, been a good student. I was and am a hard worker but to say he expanded my horizons and viewpoint puts it mildly.

So, it served me well to follow him around and get into things with him. He doesn't have many close friends though, so he relies heavily on my for companionship on things. We have really had to work and evaluate that.

He has given me my life, and I turned my back on him. No appreciation.

But, I need to feel I give me my life and I share it with him, and vice versa. The crisis prior to the A that I was having hit after we decided to start a business. We were both working 18 hours a day - but I wasn't getting everything done. I have a full time executive level job, and I have been the one to do the kids stuff (though they needed me less), the house stuff, the shopping and the finances. I felt like I couldn't do anything to satisfaction any more and I was failing every one and every thing. My identity has been wrapped up in that, so suddenly I was this big fat failure (I know that I wasn't now, but that's how I felt on a day to day basis). The last kid was leaving, and I just didn't want to do it anymore. I blamed my H for how I was feeling..."You are treating me like an employee!", "I can't do anything right!" We had forgotten to be sweethearts, which we were for so many years. And, I forgot that it's okay to say no and have boundaries and not feel guilty, I just kept on taking more and more. A lot of this extended from a childhood of not ever pleasing my mother who is very self-involved and was emotionally abusive. I was wrung out, nothing left to give.

But, that wasn't my husband's fault. It was mine.

It wasn't my husband making me feel this way, I was wired to feel this way from a young child. That if I wasn't meeting the needs and expecations that I was worthless.

He couldn't have known any of that. To him, we were securing our future of not having to "work for the man" and being able to spend more time doing what we wanted to do.

Enter the AP. I couldn't fail him. In my mind, I became this wonderful blessing to him and he appreciated it. I reverted back to a younger time, and acted like a fool. None of that validation was real either, instead I traded all the integrity, everything I had built, for being seen a certain way and feeling seen. Also, a big element for me was to escape the responsibility, and just have fun. I could have chosen such better ways to go about that for sure.

Over the past year, realizing that I could have boundaries, not my responsibility that every one is happy, and not having to anticipate what someone would think or feel if I did x, y, z. Removing the boundaries I had put on myself, it's been a learning curve.

I am about halfway through my life and I should know what I want, what I enjoy, what makes me feel filled up as a person. That's the quest I am on now. And, I want to expand - but expand as a married woman, with that wonderful man by my side cheering me on. I wish I could have gone about it differently, but I didn't. But, to me the A was just the beginning of the crisis, it's just one I am learning to manage more effectively.

It took me awhile to fully understand what it meant to take full responsibility for my actions. I knew what I had done was wrong and hurtful. But I never fully took ownership. Through IC, I have been able to truly understand how to do that. I am now more aware of how my words and actions hurt others. I was always spiraling out of control but know I have the proper help. I am not sure if my BH will truly forgive me or if we will ever fully get past this. I pray that we can. I hope he sees my efforts and the changes I am trying so hard to be. I want to be a better wife, mother, friend and person. But first I need to work on learning to cope with my guilt. That is daily struggle.