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We have been married 15 years and have three children. For the past ten years my husband has been an at home alcoholic.. He drinks five to six days a week and about a 12-18 pack daily.. He stays at home, doesn't go to bars and as far as I know had been faithful to me.. He hasn't been connecting with me on an emotional level for several years.. I'm his wife and will do wifely duties, even letting him take nude photos of me and me performing sexual acts on him several years ago.. Well I found out about ten years ago that he posted pictures of me performing oral sex on him. Even though he blacked out my eyes to hide my identity, I was very hurt.. He could never give me an explanation on why he so freely whored me out to the internet.. This has deeply hurt me over the years and has only made me think I am nothing but a sex object for him..I gave him numerous opportunities to explain why he would do this.. There acts were sacred to us.. And he would always walk away from the conversation.. Fast forward, over several years we have been detached.. We were more like roommates with sex.. He'd come in after drinking and I'd usually be asleep.. This got old and tiring..I tried talking to him, but he was always drunk.. I wanted out of the marriage,you he was very controlling with finances and decision making of purchases.. I ended up confiding in a guy friend of mine that I have known for ten years. I wanted to end the marriage and didn't have the money to file for divorce..I slept with my friend twice over two months and told my husband. Now he throws it in my face that I'm unfaithful and I tell him the same, because of the pics that he put out on the internet of me..I told him I made that decision to give my body to another man because I wanted out.. He seems confused and doesn't realize that he was unfaithful too.. We have not filed yet and are currently separated.

Disregard. Thread has been moved.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:15 PM, July 19th (Thursday)]

Hey there AlyssaD,

You're in a pretty crummy situation. Yes you have been betrayed. He broke your trust by putting those pictures on the internet. There is no justification for it, no matter how many chances you give him to explain why he did it.

That said, having been betrayed is not a justification for your infidelity. It's a reason to feel tempted, yes, but it's not the reason you were able to go through with it. It sounds like you want out of the marriage and instead of pulling the trigger yourself you thought having sex outside the marriage would do enough damage that he'd either wake up and change, or leave.

Aside from the trust breaking, there is the issue of your husband's alcoholism. Nothing is likely to change with him if he continues to drink.

What is stopping you from filing now?

We are currently separated and have been for two months..He keeps calling me and telling me that he has stopped drinking and will commit to marriage counseling.. I'm a bit confused, because I had made up my mind to be out and done with us and now I'm considering going back into the marriage if he can stay sober.. Do you think my infidelity is equal to his of posting the pictures? I can't seem to get over that until he admits he was equally unfaithful too. Am I wrong to not think it's "equal"

What is stopping you from filing now?

Exactly. Quit playing the game of whose cheating is worse. Figure out why you are staying in this relationship.

But just to add: your post comes across as you blaming your H for your cheating. It's not him, it's you. You decided it was ok for you to cheat instead of other possible choices available to you.

So what if you couldn't afford D right that second? Make a plan and follow it so that you can. Figure out other resources available to you. Reach out to friends or family for help (you don't need to tell them the exact nature of your problem).

And figure out why you allowed yourself and your marriage to be dominated by a full-blown alcoholic. Was that really ok for you all this time? You need to value yourself more. But you can learn to do that without cheating.

We cross-posted. I think that it is good that you have separated. It will give you some time to think about what you want without the day to day contact.

Don't listen to his words, he needs to follow up with actions. Same with you.

Yes he betrayed you. Yes you betrayed him. For now though I think you are better served by owning your own shit and not by figuring out whose betrayal was more egregious.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "equal". Equally unjustified? Equally hurtful? Equally a betrayal?

What particular qualities of the two things are you looking to compare?

It sounds as if you are are not wanting to consider reconciling unless you can go in on the same footing, meaning either neither of you gets to process your pain and hold the other accountable for betrayal or you both do.

Do I have that right?

Both you and your H cross lines in the M. Both need to owe up to what they did regardless who did “worse” or did it first.

Both need to take responsibility separate from who did what or who was worse. You need to work on your issues why you cheated without blaming him and he needs to work on himself on what he did in the past without pointing the finger. Each need to work on themselves first then come together to work on the M. Things YOU can work on taking responsibility for your actions even if his not doing this. Don’t do it if he will also. Don’t wait for him to make a move for you to move the first move. You do you and let him do him.

If you two are wanting to keep score who did worse or who was more wrong the cycle will never end and you guys will get nowhere fast. This will allow the other person to get the free pass on what they did wrong and continue to put the shame and blame on the other person. Does that seem fair? No.

I would start in IC first for both and after a while when the two of you worked out your whys and willing to take the responsibility on your own then do MC together. MC will not do any good both going in guns blazing who did what or worse... it will be a shit show. Individual work...then later work on the M.

[This message edited by godheals at 4:51 PM, July 19th (Thursday)]

BS here. I cannot fathom how anyone would post sexual photos of a person he claimed to care about. For me, it's harder to understand than an A. I feel your pain.

You are both at fault, there is no point in trying to get anyone to decide who is worse.

The question is, can you forgive him? Yourself? Can you own what you did without rationalizing it? "You drink too much and I wanted out" does not acknowledge the WRONGNESS of your actions.

May I suggest Al-Anon to help you deal with one huge issue...his alcoholism? Even if he never drinks again, he will have to deal with his addiction and the underlying issues that feed it. Al-anon is a wonderful group and helped me immensely. Even if you D, you will co-parent with him, his issues will affect you.

Please know that only 1% of alcoholics quit drinking without ever relapsing. You will have a tough road ahead either way, but good to be informed.

I wish you strength as you make these decisions. I hope you both find good IC.

It's not the same. If you only sent pictures to someone you did not actually meet, maybe there could be some argument to be made that the actions were similar.

Let's face it, you showed, and gave up the whole enchilada: Sight, touch, feel plus the emotional connection to boot, and without anonymity. There is no comparison.

Look at this way, if you posted pictures of his member on-line, do you think this would compare to him screwing a woman and having an affair?

He needs to be responsible for his drinking and the posting of those pics while you need be responsible for your affair.

It don’t matter who the pictures was sent too. Knowing the person or not don’t make it more or less wrong. Clearly it’s not the same thing! Just because it’s different don’t mean it’s less or more wrong. Wrong is wrong.

If I went out and killed two people and my H killed one person... does my H get the free pass because his was only one person and not two? Does his become less wrong bc again it’s one person? No. Both my H and I are in the wrong regardless how people. It could be counted as more worse then my H but that don’t make his ok for doing it. Both would be held accountable for theirs actions. I would go to jail longer then my H but he still would have his time to do also. See the point?

Betrayal is betrayal. Bottom line. No one can say who hurts more. There is just hurt. ANd really it doesn't matter. Marriage is not an eye for eye. If you are to work, you must let down your guard and defenses. BOTH of you. You need to figure yourself out. He needs to figure himself out. Maybe. MAYBE, after you can meet in the middle with flowers in your hair and grace in your heart. That though, is LONGGGGGGGGG time away. Be on your own for a while. Grow. YOu were trying for this for years. It seems silly to go back when you both can;t admit to your selves your own capabilities and levels of betrayal that you able to commit. Read and read and read here. It will help you on your journey. Godspeed.

He wasn’t unfaithful, he assaulted you. He gave your body away without your permission.

You assaulted your marriage.

I think that taking time and figuring out how to go forward is the right choice. Either alone or together.

It don’t matter who the pictures was sent too. Knowing the person or not don’t make it more or less wrong. Clearly it’s not the same thing! Just because it’s different don’t mean it’s less or more wrong. Wrong is wrong.

There is a reason why a put a maybe in my text. maybe it wasn't seen. OP asked for thoughts and I gave them. You can disagree, but my opinion is not wrong.

I think an affair is much worse than posting an anonymous picture. And no I am not one to post anyone's picture's, anywhere, if that's what you're thinking. I am a BS myself, of an EA. I can't even imagine that I could post pictures of my wife, which would be wrong in its own way, and say we're even.

I also said both are responsible for their actions.

And no I have no idea what you are talking about with 2 murderers. They both did the same thing. This is not at all the case here.

[This message edited by toughtotrust at 6:32 PM, July 19th (Thursday)]

the marriage has been over since he posted the pictures. neither of you wanted to admit it. I am assuming that you can tell that you are the person in the pictures. they will be out there forever for anyone to see. its tough for any of us to say what is worse or what is a deal breaker I think for any of us. if you had asked me 2 years ago if I would stay I would have said not in a million years. only you can make that decision. I think a separation is good. do you feel better without him?

It's not the same. If you only sent pictures to someone you did not actually meet, maybe there could be some argument to be made that the actions were similar.

Let's face it, you showed, and gave up the whole enchilada: Sight, touch, feel plus the emotional connection to boot, and without anonymity. There is no comparison

He wasn’t unfaithful, he assaulted you. He gave your body away without your permission.

Two vastly different opinions on the same act. Not surprisingly divided by gender.

TTT, I don't think Godheals was talking to you, but to OP. She's saying don't try to assign more "wrongness" to one or the other. Like the OP and her BS, they have very different opinions on which is worse. They are BOTH WRONG. They will never have a decent relationship, whether R or M and co-parenting, if they can't stop trying to figure out which of them did the worse thing to the other.

They are BOTH WRONG. They will never have a decent relationship, whether R or M and co-parenting, if they can't stop trying to figure out which of them did the worse thing to the other.

Exactly. It's not about who was worse. It's about each partner figuring out their own shit. Fighting over who was worse is just a diversion from the REAL issue, which will never be solved if they choose not to confront it.

Never said your opinion was wrong, I just slightly disagreed with it that’s all. Bottom line posting pictures is violating trust. Her A is violating trust. They both need to become safe for each other again. Crossing lines, cheating and infidelity comes in many different ways. It’s not all going to be the same thing of course but what it all comes down to is being disrespectful and betraying your spouse. I was trying to give a different outlook in this by talking about a different situation to see my point. Maybe I should of talk about one when out and killed someone and one robbed a bank.... maybe that would of made more sense.

I will edit that story later to make it sound more like this situation.

latebloomer45-thank you for that. Yes I was trying to talk to the OP. I didn’t get why it’s always a issue who did worse. Or it’s not the same. A five year long term A or a one night stand. Should we talk about who is more wrong or talk about the fact it’s ALL WRONG!!!