SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel bad for the OP. He's showing a lot of pattern denial. A two year love affair and he thinks his wife just ended it at the drop of a hat? I can almost promise that she didn't. Also, not telling the OM's wife now makes the OP an accessory to her betrayal.

OP, I saw you post that maybe it wasn't time for you to post here. I'm going to assume it's because you're reading some responses you don't like. Please know that right now in your life those are the most important responses and feedback you can get. More honest and accurate than what a marriage counselor or your pastor will tell you. People here know what they're talking about. Your situation is not unique and while you have love blinders on, they don't. You want to fix this and we want you to fix it but listen and take heed to this warning. If you don't fix it correctly then the fix won't take. It absolutely won't. If you have any hope of truly fixing this then pay attention to the advice given here. The last thing you want to do is post less. If anything you need to post more. People here are great people that can help you every step of the way through this. Please understand that.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 12:49 PM, July 26th (Thursday)]

Time will bring more clarity if you step back and think.

You can’t make this work alone.

Be careful of your wife’s words. They mean little. Her actions tell you everything.

You will have to eliminate the other man from your life permanently.

Affairs are addictive. They have contact it will continue

[This message edited by Marz at 9:54 PM, July 26th (Thursday)]

Your WW has had a 2 year relationship with this guy, and I can tell you with a high degree of certainty that it isn't just going to stop overnight. There is a strong emotional bond there. I know firsthand the act they put on after the discovery and its very convincing. Don't fall for it. Chances are they've at least talked, met, or exchanged covert texts/emails repeatedly since this discovery and possibly more.

I would advise you to go into full blown detective mode now because I can almost guarantee she is still having contact.

If you haven't already, start by requiring her to be completely open with her smartphone and any other electronic devices that could be used for communication with the AP. No more passwords on anything. Install location tracking software on her phone such as Life360 and monitor her location constantly. Drive to those locations at random times to check up on her. Another thing I would advise is to install keystroke logging software on her computer to identify any secret email accounts and passwords. She can easily delete internet history, use incognito browser windows, etc, so keystroke logging is the only true way to find out. Also a voice activated recorder in her vehicle is a good idea. And of course, your home should be filled with cameras. She may resent it but she should understand that she has lost your trust and that complete trust is going to be slow and hard to earn back, if at all.

Hopefully she is as you say NC. But be prepared for the worst. Its common in these situations. And best wishes.

they each found what they needed at the time in each other. I can't fault them.

You know Boomer, you say several times that you don't blame yourself. Well, if you don't fault them either, then tell me, who is to blame?

You can say you don't blame yourself a dozen times, but it's crystal clear that you are trying to rationalize that it is your fault. You want to accept blame, because somehow that minimizes your wife's betrayal and makes your hurt more bearable. I know this, because I did the same thing - at first.

The reality is your wife is at fault. She cheated because she was selfish, lacked morals, and because she wanted to.

I was struck by a statement that LifeIsCrazy posted:

what you are going to remember five years from now is not whether or not you reconciled - you might. It's going to be how you handled it.

As a BS that's been in R for 7 years, I can attest that his statement is dead balls accurate.

If you decide on R too soon, if you don't fully test your wife's remorse before you commit, if you don't take the time to calculate your capacity to forgive, if you don't make her earn her second chance; that's what you'll remember for the rest of your marriage.

[This message edited by badmemory at 1:28 PM, July 26th (Thursday)]

I should say about when I said it is over, I do know that the connection they had doesn’t just disappear. I accept that.

When I say it’s done I meaning that it is an ongoing process.

My wife has agreed to be honest about her phone, social media, etc and even tracking. I know it’s early but I do feel that she is wanting to make it work. Even when I talked to the OM I felt the same thing from him. Are they sorry they did it or hatbyhey got caught? Time will tell with that. All I can do is go by what’s going on right now and what I’ve been told.

To answer some earlier questions, my wife told me quite a lot but I know not everything.

She explained when it started. The first time they had sex. Where they’ve done it. How many times. And whole mess of other details that even though they hurt, these details are helping me I believe. I’m imagining the worst things in my head and I need to know as much as possible so that it can start the process of healing.

I have asked questions. I’ve been doing that since I found out. Another thing that gives me hope is that she’s answering them. It’s tough but I’m doing it.

And when it comes to the other spouse. No I have not told her. I was going to give him the chance but he knows that if he doesn’t within the next few days, I am. DDay was very recent. And you guys may be right that I should just go ahead and tell her and that will be something that I will have to think about.

I again want to reiterate I blame them for the affair. No questions asked. It’s a horrible thing of betrayal and I do blame them and she blames herself as well and she has said the same things as everyone else, don’t blame yourself for this. So maybe I am not expressing that right when I say it. I just feel that I need to acknowledge my faults in our relationship even back before. Again I may not be saying that right but it’s just what I’m feeling right now.

I also am very aware that I’m going to get flooded with anger and emotion to the point that I might blow up. Especially as we move on in he process. I know I can’t handle it the way my emotions are going to want me to and I believe that’s what I’m doing right now in terms of keeping calm and accepting what has happened and trying to move forward.

I’m sorry if t feels like I’m getting defensive because I know everyone wants to help. We’ve all been in the situation and every situation is different.

[This message edited by Boomer45 at 2:06 PM, July 26th (Thursday)]

Double betrayal is a tough pill to swallow. Been there, done that.

What I have learned, some of it the hard way -

Get STD testing, have your wife get tested too.

Get IC for you. If the first one doesn't seem a fit try another.

NC is imperative. Your WW should never communicate with OM again. You shouldn't communicate with him either.

Be vigilant, it may not be over.

Get "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". Read it and give it to her.

The affair is not your fault.

And for gosh sakes tell OM's wife. Not telling her makes you an accomplice in the affair. OM is a proven liar. Stop making excuses for not telling her.

2 years and you did not tell the obs?. We all have suffered a lot of pain went the person we trusted had an A (Adultery).

Yes you own your mistakes for the marriage like you said, but not the A.

She has to be willing to do everything that indicates remorseful, not regretful.

You have to be prepare to know all the truth and not ignore it, because it will come back as TT and it will hurt and you will have a new Dday over and over. (be prepare to know that your wife did things with him that are not considered "christian") it happens.

Tell his spouse and he should never get any close to you again, 2 years there are feelings involved and you my friend in fantasy land are the villain. An A is like an addiction, he is the facilitator so he better go away, you should expose, because chances are this is not his first time. I've seen it many times when I used to go to churches. And also make her own the A otherwise you will more than likely another OM in the future.

You need to accept your reality and get out of denial, it will hurt but sooner or later you will have to face it.

Boomer 45 I think we are on the same wavelength. Love is love and if you are willing to forgive, then go with what is in your heart. You are brave and courageous. So many people tell us what we should and shouldn't do or think but only we know what is right for us. Good luck.

Boomer45 a 2 year affair under your nose by your WW and best friend (whom you supported and tried to help) is a HUGE double betrayal, apparently your WW is cooperating and giving you the info and that's a good thing, but since DD is recent you may know just 5% of it, a two year A is a LTA (Long time affair and double life) and of course deep feelings are involved and that's why NC is paramount FOREVER, that guy is NOT your friend and you should do the same by not talking to him ever again.

Keep in mind DD is too recent, your WW is NOT remorseful, she's regretful, she had plenty of time to feel remorse in 2 years and she never stopped the A on the contrary she was the "pushy one", it had no end in sight and could have gone on for many years more and possibly D (D is still an option for you and her). Make sure you tell OM's wife TODAT to make sure she has an accurate version of the A as you can be sure OM is going to minimize it. Keep posting, this is one of your best resources to deal with it and you will need all the help you can get.

Boomer.

Use the posts that are gentle to help sooth the pain that you are feeling. While you put up a brave face we all know the hurt that has been thrust upon you, regardless of whether you were a good H or not.

Use the posts that may sting to look at the message of possible actions you should consider in order to get through this painful situation. People have walked in your footsteps before you and have a good deal of knowledge of what works and what doesn’t.

This is your road to travel, but do it supplies with the knowledge to ensure the safest possible route.

Good luck.

I think one of the bigger things you will have to contend with... is you now KNOW for sure your WW is an accomplished liar. There was a lot of lying going on to facilitate each and every encounter. Where were the children at during these encounters?

Boomer you sound codependent and are definitely rug sweeping this affair

Boomer45,

I know how I’m handling it baffles everyone on here but it baffles my wife and him as well. I’ve had anger issues in the past. Bad anger issues and it was expected that I would react in that way but for some reason and I can’t explain it, I’m not.

Baffled would mean we don't understand. We do understand it. There is a saying: Experience is the name we give our mistakes. Posters are sharing their experience. Part of that experience is mistakes made post Dday that impacted their ability to arrive at their desired outcome. Other than a post that says, "D and BTB", every posts deserves a reading. It is the totality of the experience and advice given that offers the greatest strength ("None of us is as smart as all of us").

Try to look at the experience and advice as information that can help you form the environment here reconciliation may make a foothold.

Now for me swinging a 2x4 headed your way: unless you tell the other man's wife, you are complicit in deceiving her.

It sounds like maybe you're still in shock and trying to deal with this situation in the easiest way possible for your psyche.

Understandable, but these steps in Recovery and Reconciliation are investments you make in your marriage to prevent problems later. Kind of like teaching your son to brush his teeth. It might not be fun, but you don't want decay creeping into your family.

- Inform the other spouse

- Go No Contact with their family

- Your and your wife get into individual counseling to figure out why you had affairs (plural... the webcams, as you said, were one-on-one interaction with someone and constitute an emotional affair. It was cheating just as if you'd had a one-night stand.)

There's a board here called "I Can Relate" that has a thread for Madhatters (couples who have cheated on one another). It might really help you work through all the emotions you're both going to be feeling. Good luck.

Everyone here only wants the best for YOU.

Dude, you’re in shock.

You want to end their affair immediately? TELL THE WIFE OF THE ASSHOLE THAT HAD AN AFFAIR WITH YOURS. She is owed the truth. Like you do. He will then be responsible for his double betrayal. Don’t let this fucker get away with it. By exposing it to his family you are also protecting yours because his wife will (should) be all over him. You cut the ties that bound him with your wife. And you stop the asshole from doing it with another man’s life wrecking another family.

Why are you protecting this asshole from the repercussions from his wife and family finding out? Why? Why do you have to suffer by keeping it a secret from his wife? Don’t be a victim. Why are you carrying his cross? The fucker that tried to destroy your family.

I waited until I had enough information and I blew the fucker that had an affair with my wife SKY HIGH when I revealed it to his wife, siblings and parents. He thought he got away with it. He was a coward not to tell his family of the affair when he found out I knew about it. I can tell you he is paying big time for it now. His family didn’t get the watered down version he would have given them had he the courage to tell them and I gave it to them all in one go so he couldn’t refute the details. He was caught off guard. No where to go and this hit him right between the eyes. He had to fess up to everything. Justice served.

You’re going to read things here that are going to hurt. They hurt cause they’re the truth and when confronting such advice it’s natural to want to turn the other way and run. We are not doing it to hurt you. We want to help because we have been in the same situation. Thousands of us.

Never, ever meet again with the asshole who tried to destroy your family. EVER. This was a mistake. He was a friend and he didn’t think of you when he jumped in bed with your wife. He didn’t care what you thought or the catastrophic implications this will have on you and your family. And you are discussing the affair with him? Why? To make him feel it was OK? IT’S NOT OK. The message you’re sending him is you will carry his guilt. Fuck him. He should be a man and take ownership of his fuck ups. Don’t be a pussy. Stand tall. You didn’t cheat. Your wife did. Most of us are in a situation that we could have done better with our relationship that MAY have prevented an extramarital affair. But that is really irrelevant. Marriage problems are one thing (we all have them). You didn’t resort to having one when you had a marriage breakdown. Your wife did and whether she tried or not to work on the marriage before she had the affair doesn’t excuse her from having an affair. She could have walked out on you and that would have been better and honourable than have an affair behind your back. She thought she could get away with it. They all do.

One other thing: give the other BS the info and then cut all ties with her. Don’t engage back and forth because you will be reliving the trauma. Focus that effort on your marrriage.

And stop laughing and joking with the asshole. Wipe that smile off his face by telling his family. Because if you don’t, he’ll have a permanent smile on his face until the day he dies because he got away with facing his spouse and family over his infidelity.

I wish you the best. We are here to support you. The next couple of months your anger will surface. Let your wife know you are angry. She needs to know. Use that anger at the Gymn. And watch for signs that she is committed to you. Actions not words. ACTIONS. Look for remorse. She will have guilt and shame. For herself. That’s what most WW experience but the most important thing is whether that is combined with remorse for what she has done to you and your family and what she did to the wife of her partner in crime. How she will work to regain your trust and show you the love and commitment a spouse should show. And to say “sorry for the hurt I caused you”.

And you need to get yourself into IC as should your wife so she can work on herself and fix the shit she created. Then do MC when she has a grip on her pathology.

[This message edited by Mene at 9:11 PM, July 26th (Thursday)]

Boomer45,

How did you discover the affair?

Try putting your self in the OMW's shoes. If she knew and didn't tell you, wouldn't you be livid?

We’ve all been in the situation and every situation is different.

Sorry man but they all follow the same basic cheater script.

Your wife is a very typical cheater. The thing that's different is it's happened to you.

Cheating is a big lie don't be to trusting. A 2 year affair is 20% of our marriage.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:00 PM, July 26th (Thursday)]

Rubixcubed

I discovered it by finding screenshots of snap chat pics and snap chat conversations and then went through old text messages on her phone. At the time I was not trying to snoop and was doing something else on her old phone.

Putting myself in the other spouses shoes, with the way I’m feeling right now, and as some have said it’s pribably shock and denial, but I don’t think I would be livid. Finding out is finding out and if I was the last to know, I don’t think it would make me feel worse.

Marz

I worded that situation line completely wrong. I know the cheaters script is all the same and that situation is no different than any other. I think what I was saying when every situation is different is how I’m handling it. Just since DDay I have discovered things about myself and a lot of them good and those make me feel better knowing that I am healing myself. I am in IC with my pastor who is a trained marriage counselor and psychologist and also a couple really close friends that have either seen or felt these things before and the way I am handling it is amazing.

And the way I’m handling is making me feel better. I do have those raw emotions and a lot of the stuff people have said I need to do are things that I have thought about and are not in anyway off the table.

I think one reason why the way I’m handling it is that I have always considered myself a man of faith even though I never truly have been close to God and I have always wanted to be close to God and even though this is extremely screwed up situation and could potentially destroy the relationship with the only woman I’ve ever loved, I feel myself getting closer to God and that is making me feel better.

And to everyone else, I know you want to help. I know because we’ve all been through this. I don’t take anything personally. It’s all with love and caring.

I know I probably am in denial and shock and may seem like I’m sweeping it under the rug but I can assure you folks that I am not seeeping it under the rug. I’ve told my wife every day that I may be forgiving right now but it doesn’t mean that I will forget and that he trust I had may take years to develop back. She was betraying me. She was lying to me and I know that she didn’t feel it was wrong. That is something that is not going to go away. But I do want to save our marriage and maybe right now she still feels that way but that is why we have to try to fix it. So that she can realize it was wrong and that she should feel guilt and shame knowing that she has put our marriage and our son in serious jeopardy. Neither one of us want to screw him up for life and that’s why we’re going to try and fix it.

I people still probably won’t understand why I’m acting the way I am but I have made some serious errors in my life not just in my relationship. I truly feel that I will be a better person because of this and that is one thing that is giving me something I need in a time like this, comfort.

Thank you again everyone. I will try and keep everyone updated on the progress.

God bless.

Panic often leads to appeasement. Appeasement has seldom if ever been successful in modifying or controlling the behavior of others.

Desire, still friends, being sorry, and labeling things as a mistake are nice words and great to hear. But, you cannot short change redemption and reconciliation. Hope is good if it stirs you and her to action. You and her will have to do the work if you never want adultery to enter your marriage again. Your marriage must be rebuilt from the ground up.

I suggest you and her read the book

"How to Help your Spouse Heal from your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. It is a 40 minute read and is a road map out of infidelity. Once you and her have read the book you and your wife will be able to evaluate if both of you have the strength and character to re- build the marriage.

Your wife needs to read

"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. You should read it as well so that you both understand boundaries and how to avoid the slippery slope if you will.

The last book I recommend is "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. He is a Christian author and I feel will get you to a place so that you may confront the infidelity instead of potentially rug sweeping it. It is about accountability. Please read it. It is for your eyes only.

My last thought is that you and your wife are in serious danger of rug sweeping the adultery. This will result in resentment and ultimately may be fatal to the marriage as the work that must be done in reconciliation for you and her to become safe spouses has not been completed. Wanting results and doing the work to get the results is not the same thing.

Right now I see nice words. You cannot nice a wayward spouse back into a safe spouse. The same goes for you. What have you done to stop the internet sex and masterbating?

Please post often and describe the actions you and your wife are doing to restore and heal the marriage.

Also, your friend that screwed your wife has to go. He needs to be cut out of your life. Your wife cannot handle that level of temptation and it is not fair to have her experience it. From your post he basically served as a surrogate partner for getting her needs met for two years. She will not get over that type of intimacy overnight. If you play with fire you will get burnt. Right now he is white hot. If you need an example no contact letter we can provide it to you.

He also needs a definite time limit to inform his betrayed spouse. She should not be forced to live in sin because you three are to weak to do what is morally correct. If he does not tell her, you and your wife must. Why is it okay for you and your wife to restore your marriage while hers disintegrates into hell?

One final thought, you may wish to read and add Psalm 34:16-18 to your by line.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. We will be with you and your wife as you journey out of infidelity.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 6:21 AM, July 27th (Friday)]